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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is really rude ,aibu here?

318 replies

sanber · 27/02/2021 18:51

We have been friends for over 10 years but the last year she's been really rude.
She rarely texts me first,rings me once every couple of months.
Today for example I text her "oh I have the worst headache today,hope you've had a good week"
Went on WhatsApp and didn't click on it for two hours,then read it and didn't respond.
Now obviously it wasn't a question but normally that's how you speak with friends.
Yet she's on Facebook,sharing random rubbish.
Yet can't be arsed to string a two second reply.
Then other times mid conversation she just stops responding and you will see her on Facebook.
Am I being over sensitive or is it rude ?

OP posts:
Itsnotyouitsmeiswear · 01/03/2021 09:29

And if you no longer class them as a friend pr don’t want to have idle chit chat with them anymore, at least have the decency to let them know!!

Eckhart · 01/03/2021 09:47

[quote sanber]@Changechangychange why don't you tell her you just don't like her then?
Clearly you don't if you can't be arsed to reply.
Save her the embarrassment of you know (being nice and trying to be your friend ) [/quote]
Because she is responsible for whether or not she embarrasses herself, and changechangeychange isn't.

Nobody should be put in a situation of having to say 'Hello! I don't like you!' Social cues are the tools we use to do this for us. We are social animals. We are responsible, as individuals, for taking care of ourselves, socially, and making sure that our social interactions are healthy for us.

I'll just ask you again, as you seem to have missed this question about 4 times:

Is your concern your friend's welfare, or is your concern the fact that your friend is not being the friend you would like her to be, and her behaviour is upsetting you?

SackofTurtles · 01/03/2021 11:04

@Itsnotyouitsmeiswear

I literally can’t believe how many people think it’s ok to just totally ignore a message from a friend, no matter WHAT is says! If a friend text me saying she had a headache I’d reply with ‘I hope you feel better ASAP’, if she told me she was having a shit time and feeling depressed I’d respond ‘I hope you perk up soon and let me know if I can do anything’ of it was as simple as ‘I’ve got so much housework to do and can’t be bothered’ I’d respond ‘me too, stick some music on and get cracking’! Ok I’m a crap texted at times abs I may not reply INSTANTLY, but I would NEVER flat out ignore someone for days, weeks, months on end! I’ve come across texts a day or 2 later that I opened abs totally forgot to respond to as I was busy at the time, and I’ve been very apologetic and explained. To all you people that can happily look at a text from a friend and ignore it without a care in the world (because your life doesn’t revolve around them Hmm) I for sure wouldn’t class you as a friend. That person has taken time out of their day to think about and text you, as a friend the least you could do is return that gesture even if it’s a day or two late! Honestly baffles me!
I can assure you I'm equally incredulous that some people on this thread think 'friendship' is the regular exchange of witless trivia and minor complaints, or that someone sending you a message to say they have a headache is some kind of kind gesture of friendship that requires a reciprocal 'gesture'.
Original poster
sanber · 01/03/2021 11:10

Don't you think friendship means different things to different people?
Just because your friendship with someone is different to how someone else conducts a friendship with someone doesn't make it any less odd.
My friend has changed her behaviour for no apparent reason and that's why I find it odd /rude.

OP posts:
SackofTurtles · 01/03/2021 11:28

@sanber

Don't you think friendship means different things to different people? Just because your friendship with someone is different to how someone else conducts a friendship with someone doesn't make it any less odd. My friend has changed her behaviour for no apparent reason and that's why I find it odd /rude.
Of course it does, but maybe your friend has become as bored and impatient with the expectation of endless to-and-fro as I would be. I don't think I'm particularly unusual in this.

And I agree with a pp who said that you don't seem sure whether you're actually concerned for your friend's welfare or just think she's being rude not to reciprocate.

JorisBonson · 01/03/2021 11:33

"no apparent reason"? You alluded to the fact she may be in an abusive and / or controlling relationship.

SackofTurtles · 01/03/2021 11:44

@JorisBonson

"no apparent reason"? You alluded to the fact she may be in an abusive and / or controlling relationship.
I'm not entirely convinced the OP does think that, as it didn't appear in her OP or for some time afterwards, until other people started responding that they wouldn't be dropping whatever else they were doing to emote in response to a photo of a cocktail. If she were genuinely concerned for her friend's welfare, I would assume the tone and content of the entire thread would be quite different, rather than simply appearing aggrieved her friend is no longer replying to her texts.
SackofTurtles · 01/03/2021 11:45

I mean, the title is 'Friend is really rude, AIBU here?', rather than 'Concerned about friend in relationship dropping contact/changing communication pattern'.

JorisBonson · 01/03/2021 11:57

Fair point @SackofTurtles

Itsnotyouitsmeiswear · 01/03/2021 12:37

But this wasn’t two people exchanging pointless witty trivia. Clearly based on the OP’s evidence, at some point these two people were friends and close ones at that! Now one decides she has had enough, fine, but at least let that other person know so they don’t keep chasing you thinking you are friends.

TheChip · 01/03/2021 12:47

@Itsnotyouitsmeiswear

But this wasn’t two people exchanging pointless witty trivia. Clearly based on the OP’s evidence, at some point these two people were friends and close ones at that! Now one decides she has had enough, fine, but at least let that other person know so they don’t keep chasing you thinking you are friends.
But how do you tell a friend, who has done nothing wrong, that you don't really want to talk to them as much anymore?

Its going to upset them, no matter how nicely you try to word it. Isn't it far better to just fade away and be less available, rather than cause any personal upset by telling them?

Original poster
sanber · 01/03/2021 12:56

But why would you just not want to talk to a good friend as much anymore ?
When there's no reason
It makes zero sense
And also no just not speaking to them isn't kinder than telling them.
Would you like if a boyfriend didn't tell you they wanted to dump you and instead stopped ringing you after 10 years.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 01/03/2021 12:58

She's just not into you.

If you are bombarding her with memes, messages and other stuff and she isn't replying it is because she does not want to engage with you. To be fair from the fact that you say that you are doing this all day with other friends too says more about you than her I am afraid.

Just leave her alone.

fairycakes1234 · 01/03/2021 13:02

@SeasonFinale

She's just not into you.

If you are bombarding her with memes, messages and other stuff and she isn't replying it is because she does not want to engage with you. To be fair from the fact that you say that you are doing this all day with other friends too says more about you than her I am afraid.

Just leave her alone.

youre an expert???
Original poster
sanber · 01/03/2021 13:04

@SeasonFinale no I'm not bombarding her with anything Grin

OP posts:
Eckhart · 01/03/2021 13:04

@sanber

But why would you just not want to talk to a good friend as much anymore ? When there's no reason It makes zero sense And also no just not speaking to them isn't kinder than telling them. Would you like if a boyfriend didn't tell you they wanted to dump you and instead stopped ringing you after 10 years.
But you've said she does respond sometimes. She's phasing you out.

Are you worried about her, or are you offended that's not responding in the way you would like?

Original poster
sanber · 01/03/2021 13:04

And the phrase "she's just not that into you "
Makes zero sense

OP posts:
Eckhart · 01/03/2021 13:06

@sanber

And the phrase "she's just not that into you " Makes zero sense
She doesn't really like you, or want to be friends in the way that you do.

Does that help you understand it better?

Original poster
sanber · 01/03/2021 13:09

@Eckhart no I'm afraid it doesn't.
It's not a case that she doesn't like me..I don't think a friendship would last that long with someone you don't like.
Seen as tho you seem to have psychic powers ..can you give me the euro numbers for Tuesday ?
Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
sanber · 01/03/2021 13:10

How many bitchy people are actually on Mumsnet
Wow!!

OP posts:
TheChip · 01/03/2021 13:16

I've got a friend who was trying to talk to me daily. I've known her for over 15 years. We have absolutely nothing in common and for some reason she still tried to start conversations daily.

The conversations wouldn't get past the stage of answering what each other had been up to. Our interests are too different, and the conversation would die. This same thing happened day after day. She wasn't doing anything wrong for me to want to tell her to stop, but it was frustrating how the conversation was on repeat. So I had to lessen my responses. Now this conversation happens once every one to two weeks and is much better.

She picked up the message, where as you're not.
If I had of told her that I wasn't enjoying our conversations and would rather she didn't message me as much it would have ended the friendship we do have, probably.

Maybe your friend is not wanting to converse as much and is trying to let you know by saying nothing.

Eckhart · 01/03/2021 13:16

@sanber

How many bitchy people are actually on Mumsnet Wow!!
You seem to be being unpleasantly sarcastic yourself.

You can see my posts then? And are just deliberately avoiding the question 'Is it her welfare that's concerning you, or are you upset with her conduct as a friend'?

Your comments on the thread have indicated that you are worried about her being isolated due to her relationship, and that she 'can't be arsed' to make a 2 second reply to you.

It's confusing. It looks a bit like 'My friend is in trouble, why isn't she prioritising texting me about my headache?'

Are you able to clear this up? I'm not the only one who's asked.

Eckhart · 01/03/2021 13:17

It's not a case that she doesn't like me..I don't think a friendship would last that long with someone you don't like

But the friendship hasn't lasted, has it. She's trying to phase you out. You just won't go.

Original poster
sanber · 01/03/2021 13:17

We have been on many holidays together
School friends
Lived together at college
Both love shopping (go on shopping breaks)
Love music etc etc
We have so much in common

OP posts:
Eckhart · 01/03/2021 13:18

@sanber

We have been on many holidays together School friends Lived together at college Both love shopping (go on shopping breaks) Love music etc etc We have so much in common
And now she's not interested any more.

This happens.

How old are you, Sanber?

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