Friend is really rude ,aibu here?

[sanber]

We have been friends for over 10 years but the last year she's been really rude.
She rarely texts me first,rings me once every couple of months.
Today for example I text her "oh I have the worst headache today,hope you've had a good week"
Went on WhatsApp and didn't click on it for two hours,then read it and didn't respond.
Now obviously it wasn't a question but normally that's how you speak with friends.
Yet she's on Facebook,sharing random rubbish.
Yet can't be arsed to string a two second reply.
Then other times mid conversation she just stops responding and you will see her on Facebook.
Am I being over sensitive or is it rude ?

I don't reply to things straight away, and I'll usually left the message unread so I don't forget. Often I'll be reading something on Facebook while getting a rare few minutes and would rather do nothing much instead of type out a message/have a conversation.

Plus I also have a friend who just moans but messages constantly along the lines of "how are you?" "are you enjoying the weather?" etc. before launching into a rant and it's draining.

Maybe she's just not as invested in the friendship as you, maybe a bit self absorbed and prefers just talking about her problems to listening to yours. I'd just scale back on the communications a bit and don't feel you always have to listen to her problems if she's not interested in returning the favour.

Why ask on Mumsnet if you're just going to argue with the consensus?

I think you're being unreasonable. I reply to WhatsApp messages when I feel like it. I'd expect my friends to understand because they're reasonable people and they know their lives don't revolve around me and vice versa. Sometimes I see my best friend (of 25 years) has read my message at 7am but doesn't reply til 10pm and I don't get irritated about it; I put myself in her shoes and think she's probably had a busy day at work! If she posted on Facebook in the meantime I would think she'd probably decided to use her lunch break for some social media escapism. People don't have the same priorities as you and she might choose to reply to you when she can be arsed.

@partyatthepalace 😂😂😂

My thoughts entirely!!

I am shocked and depressed actually by the amount of posters saying they couldn't be bothered with someone who had nothing positive to say.

This is how I think people feel. I have been chronically ill with both physical illness and my mental health over the past 4/5 years and rarely have much positive to say as there aren't many positives in my life. As I don't think people want to hear that I've gradually cut myself off from people (I don't ring as I don't know what to say to people and that adds up to you not toning for weeks then months then years). I now don't really have any support network which has made things feel so much worse.

Awful to hear my thoughts are true and people don't even want to hear you have a headache as that's too depressing. No hope for me then.

Hope you are feeling better OP anyway and sorry you are feeling unsupported by your friend.

Sometimes a person doesn't want to have to deal with another person. Especially if said person has started the conversation in such a negative manner.
I might be really happy and not want to be dragged down or I might be having a really shit day and not feel capable of dealing with someone else's shit day.
Sometimes I just can't be arsed. I will continue to look on Facebook or whatever because I don't have to interact any more than I want to.
I'll get back to them when I'm ready. Just because people in this day and age are contactable 24/7, it doesn't mean that they have to drop everything when summoned.
And no it doesn't take 2 seconds to ping back a response, but it's not that which is the problem, it's the ensuing lengthy conversation which follows that she doesn't want to get drawn into.

Well I think yabu. Sorry. I loathe the culture of people expecting instant responses. Drives me mad. I finish every day with several half typed messages because I'm constantly interrupted by kids, DH, life. If people don't respond to me, I know it's either because they're similarly busy or they just forgot. It's really not a big deal.

I second this! Instant responses are just not realistic so much of the time. I don't want to constantly interrupt my day to reply to innane conversation.

oh I have the worst headache today,hope you've had a good week

I wouldn't start a conversation in this way. Start with the 'hi, how's your week going?' Then when the peerson asks how you are you reply.

But regardless, every time this person treats you how she is, it's hurting you.

A friendship needs to be reciprocal.

I would block her.

If your sat reposting random shit on Facebook I think it's safe to say your not busy.

Maybe it's not like it for you, but for me conversation/messaging is harder work than posting stuff.

I don't expect people to reply immediately- even if they are on FB they might not feel like replying at that moment, be a bit tired or whatever and that's fine. But there are limits and I block/unfriend someone when their length of lack of response or whatever seems disrespectful- for instance if they haven't bothered replying for a few months or whatever.

Everyone has their own preferences and if someone hurts you, cut ties with them. That's self-care.

Having said that, don't expect people to reply immediately/even the same day necessarily.

But the amount of effort/care put in should be mutual/equal and even out over time.

If that's your idea of making conversation, I don't wonder she can't be arsed to reply.
You sound horribly boring.

Whilst I don't expect instant responses, I do find it irritating if people take ages and ages to respond to something that just a few words would 'resolve'.
That said, I have a friend (or rather reacquainted friend from my childhood) who messages me from time to time. Often something quite random, as though she's had a conversation in her head with me and suddenly decided to text a bit of it. Or just rather vague things like, "Had a work meeting today. Will be working Tuesdays going forward"

I can imagine she’s read it, tried to think of a good answer, started doing the washing up, taken the dog for a walk, scrolled Facebook while he sniffs the bushes, taken a photo and posted, liked a few things, got home, made lunch, answered a couple of WhatsApp messages and is getting to yours. Yours isn’t urgent so it will be in the reply today but not immediate list. She’ll also be checking emails, messenger etc

Have you ever thought about telephoning and speaking in person?

Threads like this seem to be popping up a lot on here lately.

Maybe she's exhausted and mentally drained from homeschooling her kids and just can't be arsed to text you back? It's not a crime.

I have a friend who I recently messaged back five weeks after her last message - that's pretty common for us. It's been a week and she hasn't replied yet - I'm not remotely offended by it.

Her life consists of plenty of other things that have nothing to do with you.

She doesn't want to talk to you clearly.

She's just not that into you.

YABU, you sound like so much hard work.

Replying to messages is a completely different energy level to posting random memes on Facebook.

Would I really care if a friends husband was a dickhead? Yet I listen to drivel constantly

Well yes, I'dve thought you should care if your friend's not having a good time.

But when it comes to your other comment that you're often listening to her going on about her issues but it doesn't cut both ways; that isn't a sign of a good friendship with keeping.

Sometimes one person has more going on that they need to talk about, but they should still seem interested in the other person.

So, what're you going to do? I would unfriend.

I think some of the responses are a bit pointed but OP, with respect, you don't know what is going on in your friend's life. I agree that a message saying that you have a headache is a bit of a drain if there's no context for it.

I also have messages that I don't reply to instantly. I am chained to my laptop throughout the week and any friend who would demand attention 'just because', wouldn't stay on my very short list of friends. It's tiresome to feel that you're on a 'stopwatch' and that's how it feels sometimes with this oppressive 'blue tick means they've read it... countdown to a reply' crap. It's like a bloody read receipt on e-mails, I don't do those either. I need to think sometimes and that's on my timetable, not theirs.

It sounds like you're out of kilter with your friend and perhaps your friendship has run its course. I say that because you say you've been friends for 10 years, I have friendships that long and longer and not a chance would I be whinging about them on a chatboard for x, y, z transgression - I'd be ringing occasionally, checking that they're ok and not minding if there's a delay in reply or call back.

People are exhausted at the moment; don't add to it, especially if this person is actually a friend.

Many people right now are just sick of having the same conversations over and over.

Every week is the same.
Lockdown is boring.
Homeschooling is hard.
Life is weird.

I wouldn't really know how to respond to your message.

I have a headache. How's your week going.

Oh. Same as every other week for the last year.

The old saying, never make somebody a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs, is pertinent here. I would cool off, not in a mardy and upset way, just let her do the running. If she doesn't, you have your answer. She is ready to let your friendship go I think. These things are upsetting but people come and go in lives all the time. Don't chase her, stop tracking her, find someone else to talk to.

So no one actually does casual chat through WhatsApp?? Especially at the moment? OP I need a reply immediately. I have cut 1 friend out (no loss either side I'm sure) I'm sure I'm viewed as needey and negative but that's not an issue in our friendship group. I feel for those of you who way overthink a WhatsApp!!

@Thedogscollar

Maybe her radio silence is actually speaking volumes!!

This!

YABU

It sounds like you want a conversation but want her to do all the interesting chat. We’re still in lockdown, we have no news, and we’re tired of being the entertainment for someone at a time that suits them, not us. We’re all exhausted with home schooling, work, worries about family, mental load, getting ill, and the thought of having to make conversation at the end of that is mind numbing.

Nobody is interested in anyone else's headache.

@Sometimeswinning

So no one actually does casual chat through WhatsApp?? Especially at the moment? OP I need a reply immediately. I have cut 1 friend out (no loss either side I'm sure) I'm sure I'm viewed as needey and negative but that's not an issue in our friendship group. I feel for those of you who way overthink a WhatsApp!!

Jesus... I feel stressed out just reading your post that you need an immediate reply. Find friends that also don't need or want thinking time. I'd agree it wasn't a loss for your friend either, you don't treat friends like that.