Have I gone too far with my son?

[BBCONEANDTWO]

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

[ThinkingIsAllowed]

If you're cleaning your son should only be thinking either 'should I help?' or 'I'll stay out of the way'. Nothing else!

[LindaEllen]

My DSS17 said similar because apparently the hoover was so loud he couldn't hear his game (big deal..) - which he plays on ALL the time he's awake.

So when I got to hoovering downstairs, the hoover may have accidentally slipped into the plug that the WiFi usually plugs into .... Oops 😄

And no. He didn't have the balls to come and complain about it. He just had to sit it out while I hoovered (purposefully slowly).

I'm not having him complain about what I do in my own house; particularly when he only contributes to anything domestic when nagged to death and threatened with no WiFi.

[Thedogscollar]

Don't keep apologising for cleaning.
Don't keep excusing them.
They haven't any excuses for their behaviour. Not one.

[MyLittleOrangutan]

What the actual fuck?
Your 21 year old son isn't currently working. You are working full time. Yet you're still spending your time off cleaning.
And the brat has the nerve to tell you off for disturbing his life of leisure by cleaning the house you all live in?!
God my mum would have said "yeah you're right, I shouldn't be spending my weekend cleaning up while you sit on your arse. Either get tidied up and find some manners or get out of my house."
Cant wait for someone to be on here in a couple of years complaining about him as their partner.

[LindaEllen]

@BBCONEANDTWO

During the week DH makes dinner. DS cleans his room and pays board each week and gets himself a sandwich or something at lunchtimes (he's furloughed).

I'm sitting here having a wine and enjoying myself in another room so don't even have to see them at the moment. I'm more pissed with DH - but he'll be sorry I can so do the 'silent treatment' when it is deserved.

You're absolutely in the right to be annoyed at what happened - but the silent treatment is so immature and doesn't help anyone.

Sit them both down and explain that you can tidy when you like, and then give your son tasks that he needs to do.

He may pay you board, but that's to cover the cost of bills, not a bloody maid service.

[BBCONEANDTWO]

Just read this all back and I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself that I'm actually in this position asking strangers for advice on whether I'm BU.

I do feel disrespected by both of them now but I'm more annoyed with DH. Feel like just bloody moving out myself now and weird but I'm feeling very lonely all of a sudden. Like I don't count??? Not on here but in here. Sorry - rant over.

[diddl]

It maybe was unkind to say about the mortgage.

Just because he's an adult it doesn't mean that he doesn't deserve some consideration-surely everyone in the house does?

But housework at 11 is fine, surely?

Heavy footed people can't help it, but it can be bloody annoying!

[Koolandorthegang]

YANBU

Your son and your DH need a good kick up the hole each.

The absolute cheek of the pair of them.

If your son doesn’t like you making noise in your own home while you’re cleaning up he can go find somewhere else to live. The ingratitude of him. I would be livid.

[Meowandthen]

Why are the other adults in the house not doing their share?

[endlesswicker]

Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc
Did he indeed? The entitled lazy shit.

You know what - I think the mistake you made was this:
I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things

You said you were sorry . You actually apologised to him for spending your weekend making a noise by cleaning the house that he lives in and now this week he's actually come down and complained about you walking about?

To be honest, I'd have booted his arse into the middle of next week. How bloody dare he?

No way have you gone too far. You have gone nowhere near far enough. And your DH needs a kick up the arse as well.

[yearinyearout]

Tell him it'll get done a lot quicker if he moves his lazy ass and helps.

[feistyoneyouare]

Blimey, YANBU. It sounds like you've been too good to him so far and he doesn't appreciate it. He should be helping you with the chores!

[MrsTophamHat]

I think this needs to be a discussion rather than slient treatment. Nobody needs to be on eggshells around anybody else.

YABU about the cleaning, as everyone else has said. You do need to explain to them both that you have every right to do housework at a reasonable time of your choosing, not when it suits your son. You are right to say that it is your house and if he wants to call the shots, he can do so in his own home. They need to understand that they have made you feel like a paid housekeeper in your own home, and that is not OK.

[Walkaround]

Well, the way he told you off certainly sounds rude and unwarranted, @BBCONEANDTWO. Is there definitely no undercurrent of your dh and ds both thinking you are too obsessive about cleaning generally (whether or not you do it at the weekends) and that you make it hard for anyone else in the house ever to relax, because you make them so uptight, cleaning up around them when nobody else would even think it is messy or dirty? I do know a couple where a major factor in their divorce (no affairs involved) was that he couldn’t even relax and watch something on TV without her hoovering around his feet, dusting the television, straightening all the cushions, etc, and making him feel anxious to do anything in his own home for fear of the “cleaning” she would have to do as a consequence of his existence! You certainly don’t sound that bad!!!

[MrsTophamHat]

*YANBU, that should say.

[Wishihadanalgorithm]

I’d be telling the two other adults in the house that if they don’t like what you do they can leave. I imagine your home would be a lot cleaner if you weren’t sharing it with them.

[BreatheAndFocus]

Tell him you’d get the cleaning done quicker if he got his arse and helped!

I can’t believe he complained! He’s lucky he’s still able to live at home. I wouldn’t give either of them the silent treatment. I’d sit and get my head straight about what I wanted to say (keep it brief, bullet point it) and then tell them when I was feeling a bit calmer.

[user7891011]

Your son should do the housework then next time he complains about the noise of it. Your DH and ds are the unreasonable ones

[MaeveDidIt]

YANBU
I think youngsters don't realise (and why should they) how much work it actually takes to look after and maintain a clean/clutter free house-hold.

I've started to train my very reluctant (a bit lazy) 14 year old DS in the hope that it will stick with him as an adult, because I firmly believe it is not good for the mind to live in a dirty cluttered up pit.

[custardbear]

Eerrr no, you're not unreasonable except you should get them doing more!
I've started getting my kids doing more like stopping their beds, cleaning their rooms and en suite and my eldest helped her daddy do all the floors today whilst I did the washing, shopping and cooking

BUT life is too short for too much cleaning 😉

[Pottedcat]

YABU,
You have not gone far enough.

[Cherrysoup]

Of course YANBU! You definitely missed a trick, tho. I would have handed over all the cleaning stuff and told him to crack on himself. He’s furloughed? What a joke!

[KitKatty55]

So your husband said you was unreasonable and by the sounds of it, he’s happy to let you do all of the housework. Your son was very rude, my son is 14 and he knows I’m busy at the weekends and always offers to help me with housework. You are definitely not being unreasonable, maybe leave the housework to them in future.

[gamerchick]

So your blokes a dick, your son is a dick in training and you're passive aggressive when upset rather than speaking your feelings?

Sounds like a healthy household. Tell your husband to piss off rather than give the silent treatment and tell your son he's welcome to move out if he's irritated.

[Mummaofboys93]

YANBU!!
I haven't read everyone's replies but I have read all yours OP.

Your son is an adult, he lives in YOUR house. I think he has a cheek moaning at you for cleaning or even walking about in your own home!! He should be grateful that all he has to do is clean his room!

My DC are 10 & 5. & They have chores, keeping their room tidy is a given but I do asl for help around the flat. Small basic tasks. So for me I think he should thank his lucky stars that he osntbrequoree to help you in any type of way. As for your DH I'd be annoyed also that he's allowed your DS to disrespect you like that in your 0wn home about you cleaning or walking about 😐