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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I gone too far with my son?

456 replies

BBCONEANDTWO · 27/02/2021 18:22

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
BBCONEANDTWO · 27/02/2021 18:50

@inmyslippers

I can't help but think that there is more to this
Honestly there isn't - it's just that when DH said it was a nasty comment I told him it wasn't and that I'd already spoken to my friend about it (I hadn't so thought I should get an opinion from here).
OP posts:
intheenddoesitreallymatter · 27/02/2021 18:50

Cheeky bastard(s)!

Go on strike, they'll be grovelling in a couple of days.

Strongly suggest that DS has an attitude change or finds somewhere else to live!

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2021 18:51

The fact that you're even questioning this is honestly, scary. Wtaf? Aibu to do all the housework for the whole household at an inconvenient time (middle of the day) for my adult son who is furloughed and could get it all done in the week whilst I'm at work? No, no, fucking no. Stop being a door mat.

TheCatWithTheFluffyTail · 27/02/2021 18:53

I'm more pissed with DH - but he'll be sorry I can so do the 'silent treatment' when it is deserved.

Over on the relationship board you’ll be told this is a form of abuse.

It’s doesn’t sound like a happy or good family relationship in general going on.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/02/2021 18:54

Omg - I see you've included 'gets himself a sandwich for lunch' in his list of attributes. He's 21 and you're at work. Of course he gets his own blooming lunch. What he should also be doing is all the housework and making everyone dinner.

Thedogscollar · 27/02/2021 18:54

Enjoy your wine OP you deserve it.
As for DH and DS cheeky piss taking buggers.
Your house, your mortgage, your rules. If son doesn't like it tell him to go find a new place to live. He's a big boy now.

DeRigueurMortis · 27/02/2021 18:55

If he wants the hoovering (or any house chores) done to his timetable then he can start by doing it himself.

Of course YANBU - frankly I think what you said was pretty damn tame.

If DH or DS had spoken to me like that (they wouldn't as they bloody well know better) they'd I'd have gone full on viper.

At 21 he's an adult who enjoys the benefit of a home paid for by his parents. Mentioning the mortgage isn't mean it's fact.

If he doesn't like it (or the way you keep it clean) then he's free to leave and stump up a lot more money than he's paying you I warrant in rent and do his own cleaning (and live in a cesspit).

Frankly if he's not working atm rather than complaining he out to be contributing by doing house chores during the week so you can relax at the weekend.

Don't seethe in silence (but enjoy the Wine) and go an give them both a bollocking.

SilverGlassHare · 27/02/2021 18:55

@BBCONEANDTWO

During the week DH makes dinner. DS cleans his room and pays board each week and gets himself a sandwich or something at lunchtimes (he's furloughed).

I'm sitting here having a wine and enjoying myself in another room so don't even have to see them at the moment. I'm more pissed with DH - but he'll be sorry I can so do the 'silent treatment' when it is deserved.

Jesus Christ, if he’s furloughed, tell him he needs to do the cleaning.
Conkergame · 27/02/2021 18:56

Your son is furloughed, why is he not doing all the cleaning during the week?

Your husband is also a big problem here - he should have your back and should be angry with your son for being so disrespectful.

Give them both hell, OP! From now on to your son does the cleaning or moves out, and your husband takes more responsibility for chores and discusses issues with you instead of siding with your son or he can sleep on the sofa!

BigPaperBag · 27/02/2021 18:57

Does the CF even do any housework himself?! I hope you’re charging him rent. I’d start banging saucepans outside his room if I were you.

eaglejulesk · 27/02/2021 18:58

If your DS doesn't like it then he finds somewhere else to live - it's as simple as that. The alternative is he does the cleaning himself during the week. It sounds as though he has a very cruisy life, maybe it's time for a reality check. Your DH is part of the problem.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 27/02/2021 19:00

Unless its something mad like you are crashing round with the hoover on at 6am or midnight or something yanbu

Moelwynbach · 27/02/2021 19:00

He is old enough to get his own place if it bothers him that much!

Whatafustercluck · 27/02/2021 19:00

I'd tell him he needed to do his share of housework - same for your dh tbh.

Seriously, ds is 10 and has just hoovered the whole house. If he were living here at 21 rent free he'd be expected to pull his weight. And if he dared speak to me like that he'd get 'the glare' which terrifies him.

timetest · 27/02/2021 19:03

DS needed a good dose of grow the hell up. Your DH needs to back you up.

LemonSwan · 27/02/2021 19:04

I think hes absolutely right - both the son and the DP. You should not do any more cleaning for at least 6 weeks.

Potterythrowdown · 27/02/2021 19:04

I'd have been offering to put the mop somewhere. He can move out if he doesn't like it can't he?

LemonSwan · 27/02/2021 19:04

or cooking for that matter! :)

alwaysbethepigeon · 27/02/2021 19:05

YANBU. I'd have reacted the same way as you.

oil0W0lio · 27/02/2021 19:06

your husband thinks women should be seen and not heard and he wants your son to acquire the same attitude!

pointythings · 27/02/2021 19:07

YADNBU. I have two at home at the moment, (middle one is actually at uni) and they never moan about me doing housework because they do it too. They're 18 and 20, one at uni, one in Yr 13. Your son needs to grow the fuck up and do a bigger share of the housework - then it won't take you so long and make noise when he's sleeping. And your DH needs to back you up.

Confusedandshaken · 27/02/2021 19:09

MY adult cuckoos can be very annoying but not one of them have ever had that level of cheek!

Tell the little bugger that he can either do his share of the cleaning or cough up for a cleaner.

ATM its inevitable that some adult DC have to live with their parents from time to time. I've posted on here before about some pinch-crunch moments with my own. One thing that helps me cope is charging them a small amount for board and lodging. It all goes into a separate account that I use for travelling. That way when one of them is monumentally annoying I can comfort myself by thinking that one day I will be lying on a beautiful beach or exploring a wonderful jungle at their expense.

CaptainVanesHair · 27/02/2021 19:11

It’s just normal household noise though isn’t it? So what exactly is he complaining about? I’d probably have gone down the ‘well if other people who lived here pitched in’ route rather than the mortgage but I get your point - it’s his home but it’s your house and actually that does mean something.

MyAnacondaMight · 27/02/2021 19:13

It’s not a great comment, but he was being deeply disrespectful. I would apologise for the comment, explain how the comment made you feel, and ask him to do the cleaning in the week so you can all enjoy a quiet weekend.

WannabemoreWeaver · 27/02/2021 19:13

And for all the people asking about why DS is not doing more (quite rightly) - what about DH? Does he do anything?