Have I gone too far with my son?

[BBCONEANDTWO]

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

[Limer]

If your DS doesn't like his living arrangements, surely he knows he can move out?

[BBCONEANDTWO]

@gamerchick

So your blokes a dick, your son is a dick in training and you're passive aggressive when upset rather than speaking your feelings?

Sounds like a healthy household. Tell your husband to piss off rather than give the silent treatment and tell your son he's welcome to move out if he's irritated.

yes - sums it up - it really does.

I definitely need to stop the passive aggressive in this situation - I don't usually get upset but I feel really hurt this time.

I like the tell hubby to piss off.

I think at the moment for some reason I'm feel really down and upset about it (a bit teary actually - maybe I just need a good cry).

[Mummaofboys93]

Isn't required to help*

[SuperCaliFragalistic]

1. I can't imagine you doing some dusting and ironing is that irritating unless you're shifting furniture or hoovering under his feet. So YANBU.
2. It's got nothing to do with the mortgage and who pays it.
3. We're in a shitty winter lockdown. Theres fuck all else to do and families are bickering and getting on each others nerves - I would try to overlook his rudeness on this occasion.

[Loopyloututu2]

Your sons sounds like an entitled brat and your dh sounds like he’s the root cause of it.

You’ve been brainwashed into thinking you have to kowtow to men possibly OP?

[partyatthepalace]

I'd have stuck the hoover nozzle where the sun doesn't shine - and then wacked your DH with the other end.

I'm shocked, your 21 year old sounds like a 13 year old, and as for your DH...

I hope you 21 yo pays rent. Does he? Do your husband and kids do work in the house? I really hope so.

OP I would be taking a long hard look at my life choices if I were you.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

Cheeky sod, I'd have torn my DS a new one if he spoke to me like that.

[DeRigueurMortis]

@Confusedandshaken

MY adult cuckoos can be very annoying but not one of them have ever had that level of cheek!

Tell the little bugger that he can either do his share of the cleaning or cough up for a cleaner.

ATM its inevitable that some adult DC have to live with their parents from time to time. I've posted on here before about some pinch-crunch moments with my own. One thing that helps me cope is charging them a small amount for board and lodging. It all goes into a separate account that I use for travelling. That way when one of them is monumentally annoying I can comfort myself by thinking that one day I will be lying on a beautiful beach or exploring a wonderful jungle at their expense.

What a wonderful idea!

I think a lot of mothers should follow your example!

[billy1966]

That is not nice OP,

Feeling all ganged up upon at a time like this all because you were cleaning.

Very very upsetting.

I bet you feel that your husband has crossed a line.

Despite MN's views, a bit of silence can be better than unleashing full fury.

I do think your husband needs to be told he has crossed the line.

If he thinks that siding with his rude disrespectful son is a good thing for his marriage, he had better have a good hard think because I suspect you could have a really long memory regarding this.

I would not be happy with this.

Your son is a 21 year old pup that needs to buck up....step back a bit, sharpish.

But your husband should know better.
Give a good friend a ca for a moan.

[Ladywinesalot]

Your H & S need to find somewhere else to live together...

[LovelyUserNames]

You need to talk to your DH and stop being so passive aggressive.
That's not solving anything.

Then as a united front you need to have a family conference with your son and agree on a rota for chores.

He's an adult and if he was living in a shared house or on his own, he'd need to do chores.

You do sound a bit of a doormat and you know what people do with them.

[DeRigueurMortis]

think at the moment for some reason I'm feel really down and upset about it (a bit teary actually - maybe I just need a good cry).

No you need to find your inner anger.

It's ok to be .

As women were are trained to be passive/peacemakers. It's a road to nothing.

Don't be afraid to be angry. It's a perfectly normal response to being treated like shit and taken advantage of

What's abnormal is suppressing your feelings and behaving passive aggressively (sulking) because that's how women are expected to behave - we can't be angry but passive aggressive behaviour is also shit.

The pair of them need a wake up call.

[LovelyUserNames]

Or just get a cleaner and make your son pay towards it by asking for a bigger contribution,

[jellybe]

Bloody hell if I had been living at home still at that age my mum wouldn't have had much house work to do at the weekend as I'd have been doing my share and she and my dad would have been expecting me as they did when I and my brothers were teenagers.

Seriously, your Ds needs to pull his head in and understand that the house being nice doesn't happen by magic and your DH needs to support you.

Does your DS DD and DH do anything around the house?

[justanotherneighinparadise]

You were not the least nit unreasonable. Entitled little git.

[Bythemillpond]

Do you do anything fun?
I am one of the 2% who voted YABU as I can understand how your ds feels. I had a mother who constantly cleaned an immaculate house and there was never any time for anything else.
Also YABU in ironing. How much stuff actually needs ironing?

If there is only the 3 of you in the house how much cleaning does the place need if it is already immaculate and you keep on top if it every night.
Why does it take 2 full days to clean an already immaculate house
Is this always what has happened. Do you not do anything other than clean on your days off.

Also you chose to take on a mortgage so it is an irrelevant argument with regards to your ds. He didn’t force you to take out a mortgage and leave you to pay it.
You do have to remember it might be your house but it is also his home. Unless you want him out in which case tell him to go.

[Bythemillpond]

Or just get a cleaner and make your son pay towards it by asking for a bigger contribution

I happily paid for a cleaner for 2 weeks for my mother but my mother wouldn’t stop cleaning and went over what the cleaner had done as it hadn’t been done to her standards which were impossible to keep to.

[sashagabadon]

You do pay the mortgage though and your son should be helping you with the cleaning that no doubt he contributed to. Cheeky bugger!

[C152]

Sounds like you were just being honest. And if the noise of his mum cleaning up after him annoys your adult son, I'd be sorely tempted to suggest he either (a) start pulling his weight so you're not doing the cleaning or (b) move out and clean (or not) his own place.

[RowanAlong]

I don’t think this need to be a big deal. Sounds to me like your DH pulls his weight, you just have high standards for cleaning, and your son has outgrown the nest and is getting frustrated on furlough. Small things can irritate, and he’s not mature enough yet to hold his tongue. Maybe you should go for a walk though! And leave the housework for once (how bad can it be?) and give yourself a bit of space.

[MuckyPlucky]

My 9yo DS has occasionally dared to moan about me doing the hoovering (“muuuum, I can’t hear the tv!”). So on those occasions I’ve turned the tv off, handed him the hoover and told HIM to “do the bloody hoovering then so we don’t have to live like pigs in filth”.

Now he’s learnt not to complain, and he’s learnt how to hoover. My son is 9. Your son is a 21yr old MAN! I pity his future wife.

[HotPenguin]

I think what your son meant to say was " mum you shouldn't be cleaning all weekend, please, sit down and let me do it"

[Fearnecuptea]

Your son is 21- an age which usually would be considered as one of his MOST fun years- and here he is staying at home with his mum through a pandemic.

Sounds like he's finding you annoying. Give him abit of space. This is a really shit time for young adults!

Poor guys been on furlough and not been able to socialise in a year, of course your obsessive cleaning is getting on his nerves!

[JennieLee]

Should add voice to the chorus saying furloughed son can obviously do more. (He could hardly do less.) Hadn't read thread properly and assumed he was working as opposed to furloughed. He'd probably be less mardy if he was more active..

Though it's a bit of a side issue, have you got any help for the 'weak bladder' issue. There are Things That Can Be Done, and you might feel happier if you were in better physical health. You'd probably get out of the house more, which would be a help. Just meeting friends for a walk would be good now the weather's better - and that's not so easy if you keep thinking about the nearest loo.

[Bythemillpond]

Sounds like you were just being honest. And if the noise of his mum cleaning up after him annoys your adult son, I'd be sorely tempted to suggest he either (a) start pulling his weight so you're not doing the cleaning or (b) move out and clean (or not) his own place

I think it is the passive aggressive cleaning that is annoying.
In your Ds’s position has he ever helped you clean at some point over the years and you have either done over what ever he has done or complained it wasn’t done correctly.

Are your standards so high that no one but you can get to them