Have I gone too far with my son?

[BBCONEANDTWO]

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

[UniversitySerf]

Thanks for the update op, glad things have improved. Reminds me of that song with the line “you don’t know what you got till it’s gone”.

[Flowers24]

Well done OP really proud of you xx

[HunkyPunk]

Reminds me of that song with the line “you don’t know what you got till it’s gone”.

Joni Mitchell - Big Yellow Taxi

[AliceMcK]

@Plump82

Your son needs to treat you with a bit of respect. If he's that bothered about the noise, he can find himself somewhere else to live. He's clearly picked up his attitude from his dad as he should have been more supportive of you.
Or how about your son does the house work mid week so you can have the weekends to yourself?

Everything here. At 21 he is bloody old enough to clean the house and should absolutely nit speak to you like that.

Also how much you clean your own home is entirely up to you, no one should have any say in the matter.

[VegCheeseandCrackers]

Absolutely not unreasonable. He should be helping take care of the house in my opinion.

[sammyjoanne]

Hmmm whose house is it? YANBU at all. If he is an adult. He don't like it, he knows where the door is.

[Anydreamwilldo12]

Well done for standing your ground OP.
They probably realised how much you actually done when you were away for that month.
Hopefully things won't slide back again but I'm sure you will be prepared to deal with that if that happens.

[MrBond]

Fabulous update, OP. Well done you!

I think it's great that you had a friend who was willing and able to put you up while you got sorted- kudos to her and her DH too. They're clearly lovely people.

[LowlandLucky]

He is an adult not a child and needs to start acting like one. If he wants to control when things happen he needs to move out into his own place. I pity any poor partner he eventually lives with.

[CorianderBee]

Depends tbh - was it at 6am or 9am? If at 6 I think it's mean to stop them having a lie in, if at 9 crack on

[CorianderBee]

If he pays board then I think it was a little cruel to say you pay the mortgage as he is contributing and may be scared that he'll lose his job after furlough so can't leave.

But, still you have every right to clean.

[TillyTopper]

Perhaps DS needs to start doing more cleaning himself? Or maybe he should just move out and find his own place if your place isn't to his liking. My DS wouldn't dare complain - they know they'd leave the room with a vacuum cleaner and orders to help!

[dottiedaisee]

Great update and am glad that your husband and son finally appreciate you ...you handled the situation really well and what a great friend you have 💐

[Twoforthree]

Now you've put the boundaries in, make sure you say something immediately those boundaries start being crossed. It would be very easy to let some minor things slip, "because they are only minor" but stop those happening and the big things will never arise again. If you don't then things will start escalating again.

Stop things in their track. Good luck. They seem to be making the effort. Make sure you make it continue.

[AtomHeartMotherOfGod]

Cleaning aside, I can't believe they are having a go at you for essentially, walking about in your house.

Was this happening at 3am? Their treatment of you seems really unhealthy and I agree your DS has probably 'learned' his rights from your DH.

[EscapeDragon]

Taking that time out was a good way of making them both realise that you had guts and were determined not to put up with things any longer, and I'm glad that things are starting to improve.

[Folklore9074]

Absolutely fine. He's 21, more than old enough to help. And if he wants to live somewhere where there is not hovering on a Saturday he knows what he should be doing.

[Woodlandbelle]

So glad you are OK and stood your ground
Make sure and be kind to yourself from now on. They are lucky to have you.

[LouKelly]

Oh my ,you are a softy arent you ? His arse would be on the pavement with all his belongings immediately . None of your children should ever speak to you like that ,ever ! If your husband doesnt understand this and back you up one million per cent he would be moving in with his son also ,get up off the floor !

[CharityDingle]

@Twoforthree

Now you've put the boundaries in, make sure you say something immediately those boundaries start being crossed. It would be very easy to let some minor things slip, "because they are only minor" but stop those happening and the big things will never arise again. If you don't then things will start escalating again.

Stop things in their track. Good luck. They seem to be making the effort. Make sure you make it continue.

+1 to this.

They got a slight fright, and realised that they had it good, with you around.

Make sure that they don't start taking you for granted, and worse still belittling you, again.

[Notaroadrunner]

I've just read your posts op. I'm so glad you got the opportunity to leave and stay with your friend. Given you said you were thinking of moving out it would have been a shame not to - your Dh would have seen it as an idle threat and probably laughed it off. The fact you left them to it for a month will have given them a real insight as to how much you contribute to the household. I bet they appreciate you now! Make sure they continue to help out. Once a new routine is established things will be easier for you. And your son might even enjoy having something to do while he's off work. If he's brought back in to work in the coming weeks make sure a new rota is agreed between you all.

While all that addresses the housework, it still doesn't address the way they have disrespected you in the past. Do you think you can get past this issue, especially with your Dh? Maybe counselling would be worth a try.

See how things progress but I'd advise having a savings account in your own name and build it up in case you do feel the need to separate in the future. While you would be entitled to proceeds from the house etc, if you do separate it would be preferable to have your own money at the ready to enable you to start out on your own.

Fair play to your wonderful friend and her Dh - they could obviously see that you were not happy long before you realised it.

[wishywashywoowoo70]

Great update. I hope things carry on this way for you

[Taikoo]

Time to kick him out on his hole.
Your DH is as bad and needs a kick in the bollocks.

[me4real]

Absolutely YABU and if your son wants you to get the housework done faster on the weekend and him be less of aware of the noise and it not be for as long, he could help you with it on the weekend.