Have I gone too far with my son?

[BBCONEANDTWO]

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

Yabu not to expect him to do some of it! Does he?

In your position I'd be seriously fucked off at how little they both do!

If he's furloughed you shouldn't be needing to do very much at all! Just your own personal things like dealing with your own clothes and personal things.

What hours does dh work? Why does he do fuck all either?!

Why the fuck is pointing out it IS your house nasty? He's 21 not 9! My dd was doing more at 9 than he appears to be as a grown ass man!

She also knew damn well who was in charge!

She is now 20 and has lived independently for a year and is currently staying with family while studying and she wouldn't dream of having this attitude let alone expressing it!

Has your son never been expected to pull his weight?

Why on EARTH are you tiptoeing around your son?! Fuck that!

Quite honestly I would kick both out if you own the house alone and let the ungrateful, abusive, disrespectful bastards find somewhere for them to live to annoy each other!

Is your husband scared of your son? Are you?

I wouldn't say your husband is a strong silent type at all I'd say he's a coward!

Why can't you talk to your daughter?

How much dig money? Does it cover his costs including share of mortgage, council tax, utilities, WiFi, water, groceries?

Answer to text :

Bullied, disrespected, unappreciated and enslaved! And fucking fed up of that!

Like fuck would I or my siblings EVER have got away with speaking to my mother like this or telling her whether she could sing or walk in her own house or go in her own damn garden! That goes for my big chunk of a brother too. He ONCE made grumbling noises about being awoken by that hoover after a heavy night and BOTH parents came down on him like a ton of bricks! He was told very bluntly that this was THEIR house to do in as they wished when they wished, if he couldn't cope with the noise with a hangover - don't get a bloody hangover then!

Like fuck would my dd ever get away with that shit and frankly she wouldn't even attempt it! Nor would her closest friends. A few on the fringes of her group can be cheeky arses, that is down to the parents spoiling them, but even they wouldn't get away with THIS level of cheek!

I'd be telling them BOTH to cut it out and start treating you respectfully in your OWN HOME op and if they won't - walk!

Frankly I don't know how you've tolerated it this long.

I wouldn't have just shouted briefly as you appear to have done - their ears would still be ringing!

My ex ONCE attempted to be a lazy entitled dick early in our marriage. His ears were ringing not only from me but both his parents too, who he'd phoned expecting them to back him up (why I don't know it wasn't how he was raised at all!)

Totally unacceptable behaviour by them but I doubt it's a new thing

And your husband sounds a bigoted dinosaur too!

No you certainly haven't gone too far. Don't even entertain the thought.
You were perfectly in your right to say that. I mean fancy complaining about somebody cleaning the house they live in? If he's that bothered he should give you a hand to get it done quicker.

I’d maybe show your husband this thread. Sounds like both he and your son need a reality check.

Your son because he should appreciate you more (also has he not heard of earphones? I lived in them at his age coz my mum loved a good/loud cleaning song but I wouldn’t dream of telling her to be quiet!) and your husband because he needs a reality check in both not pandering to your son and how he is treating you.

You deserve better, don’t back down and really consider showing them this thread.

@TommytheSquirrell

I’d maybe show your husband this thread. Sounds like both he and your son need a reality check.

Your son because he should appreciate you more (also has he not heard of earphones? I lived in them at his age coz my mum loved a good/loud cleaning song but I wouldn’t dream of telling her to be quiet!) and your husband because he needs a reality check in both not pandering to your son and how he is treating you.

You deserve better, don’t back down and really consider showing them this thread.

Showing a husband a thread is a crap idea in anything but the most petty of disagreements.

This is Op's space to explore her feelings.

Clearly - do not show your husband this thread.

OP - I think you need to cut DH out of the loop for now.

Instead, sit down and talk to your son. Explain that his current attitude towards you is not OK and it needs to stop. You’re a human and you love him, but he’s making it very difficult for you to like him right now.

Talk to him. Explain what’s going on for you, and what you expect from him.

Forget DH. He’s just a spanner in the works.

Try to re-establish a decent relationship with DS through a bit of give and take on both sides.

That’s the crux of the issue from where I’m sitting.

YANBU. In your place, I'd stop doing all the housework from now on, including shopping and cooking for them. Your DH is worse than your DS, as he's older and should know better.

UM...he is paying rent, right? RIGHT? If the answer to this is yes, then the next question is, "He does have assigned tasks to help with housework, right? RIGHT? If the answer to both of these is yes, then perhaps a discussion about reasonable times to accomplish various tasks is in order.

HOWEVER, I'm betting that the answer to both of the above is a big, fat, resounding NO!!! and that he is being an over-aged spoiled brat who is dictating how you handle your home without contributing one single thing to it. Both he and your H (AM NOT CALLING HIM D) need to take a step back, and then step up. Your son with helping you around the house or significantly contributing to finances, and your H should be upholding you.

I will leave it at that. Considering my current mood, any further advice would not be constructive.

Mamanyt

The answer to does he pay rent is yes he does and if it takes op every night and all day Saturday and Sunday to clean the house then a few chores aren’t going to make much of a difference.

But so what if she is it’s her choice in her house

Your are not being unreasonable whatsoever!! He's doing a Kev and perry on you ughhhhhh. Book yourself something nice for a treat away from the home and housework xx

Personally I’d change the locks and pack their bags. Seriously you do not deserve to be treated like this.

Hi, from your comments it sounds like your apologising for doing things like going to the toilet and charging your phone. You only wear socks so how can you be making that much noise in the middle of the day. Sounds like your pussy footing around them instead of just living your life. I'd be inclined to wear my loudest shoes around the house and drop some saucepans etc and if he says something tell him to go live in a priory. Balls to that, Cheeky git. And him telling you to go for a walk, why doesn't he go for a walk or go and do some voluntary work if it bothers him that much.

At 21 he should be lending a hand, not being critical plus a lack of respect. Iwould apologise if he thought I was being moody, as that was not the intention, however, he should try to look at it from your point of view. As you are working F/t would it be possible to hire a home cleaner, so your weekends would be free to spend quality time with family ? I speak from experience. It sounds as if you have little free time for R and R., and this should concern everybody who shares your home.

@Bythemillpond

Mamanyt

The answer to does he pay rent is yes he does and if it takes op every night and all day Saturday and Sunday to clean the house then a few chores aren’t going to make much of a difference.

Please just shut the fuck up about the cleaning, it's so fucking tedious and you're using it as a stick to beat OP with. She can do what the fuck she wants cleaning wise.

Why not comment on the other things, the constant digs she gets for walking around her own home, for singing, for going in the garden when he's there. And too fucking right I'd be reiterating who pays the mortgage to the little shit, he can fuck right off if he doesn't like it...and take his useless waste of skin father with him.

Fuckers

@BBCONEANDTWO

Tell your husband/son is high time they helped you out doing some housework on a regular basis.

Set up a housework rota for them to take in turns.

Also mention to your son if he does not feel happy with you doing the house work rountine, he can allways find a job/house elsewhere to live at.

I also think your son should be encouraged to attend college/find a job if he stays at home with you.

He should then contribute towards helping to pay household bills.

I think if he is recieving any social security benefits he should contribute a reasonable amount towards household bills upkeep op.

Tell him if he wants peace and quiet then he can either get a flat on his own or buy some really good earplugs but you are not going to change your life to suit him hes over 21 for God sake. As for your husband tell him the same.

Your DH sounds like he’s the one controlling things. I’m sure he doesn’t like to see you stand up for yourself in any way. Your son has learned this behaviour.
You can clean in your own house, you should
sing and I’m sure if I lived under these controls I would cry as much as you are now. It’s a form of gaslighting. I would calm down and reconsider your options. I would not involve either of them in your decisions as whatever they say won’t be in support of you, or your feelings. I’m sorry your going through this
YANBU

You are entirely reasonable. A couple of men who need to grow up and maybe do some ruddy cleaning!!!!!!

FuckyouCovid21

Ops cleaning is about control and not about keeping a house clean and if you look at my previous posts I have commented about her walking around.
I see so many similarities. Including her updates. The words she uses are the same as my mother would use.
If both her husband and son walked out op wouldn’t be any happier. The son and the husband would.
As I have said if you haven’t lived with someone who uses cleaning as a form of control then you cannot understand.
Most people reading this think it is about how lazy the son and husband are and how unsupported the op feels but it is more complex and there are deeper issues.

Op can spend as long as she likes cleaning but if it is impacting others in the household including herself then it becomes an issue and I would think the son and husband have had enough. I think the father is making excuses because he wants to keep his son at home. We don’t know if the dd bothers to visit and he could be frightened of never seeing his son again if he moved out and leaves him to deal with the op
I wonder when the last time they did anything together as a family.
I would say the rudeness etc is a kick back for cleaning being prioritised over everyone and everything else.
Can you not see that it could be about anything.
If your mother only did one thing eg sewing every night and all weekend and that got priority over everything for years and years. I would think you too would be the ds after years of being ignored and listening to the sewing machine every hour of every day would set you off.

@Bythemillpond

I don't do the housework first thing - this was today at 11am but he was up I heard him But if you had kept on top of the housework the night before what could possibly need doing at 11am the following morning.

This isn’t about what time you start. It is about how constant the cleaning is. Especially if you are taking all weekend to clean the house and every night.

What is taking so much time. What exactly does your cleaning routine involve. Are you doing things over and over when it doesn’t need doing.

That's up to the OP!

It's not up to any of us, who have never set foot in her house to decide what needs cleaning and what doesn't

Especially as it is very clear that we all have very different standards

@howaboutchocolate

Her son is paying board, right? It's his home and he deserves a say in how things are done, and he would do even if he wasn't paying board. If he was a lodger and not her son would you all think it was fine for her to wake him up with cleaning every morning with no regard for his feelings? He was rude in how he dealt with it but honestly, this whole "if he doesn't like it he can leave", "your house your rules" advice is ridiculous.

11 o'clock on a Saturday is a perfectly reasonable time.

I paid board to my parents. I wouldn't be here now if I had in any way tried to dictate to them what time and what cleaning was done in their house.

@Bythemillpond wow! Tons of unwarranted and unfounded projection in your posts

I would not expect a son or a lodger feel able to dictate what activities a homeowner/head of household does in their own home.

It's not just cleaning, the op is being told off for bloody WALKING in her own house! It's utterly ridiculous and out of order!

11am is a perfectly reasonable time to make normal household noise!

@Bythemillpond

FuckyouCovid21

Ops cleaning is about control and not about keeping a house clean and if you look at my previous posts I have commented about her walking around.
I see so many similarities. Including her updates. The words she uses are the same as my mother would use.
If both her husband and son walked out op wouldn’t be any happier. The son and the husband would.
As I have said if you haven’t lived with someone who uses cleaning as a form of control then you cannot understand.
Most people reading this think it is about how lazy the son and husband are and how unsupported the op feels but it is more complex and there are deeper issues.

Op can spend as long as she likes cleaning but if it is impacting others in the household including herself then it becomes an issue and I would think the son and husband have had enough. I think the father is making excuses because he wants to keep his son at home. We don’t know if the dd bothers to visit and he could be frightened of never seeing his son again if he moved out and leaves him to deal with the op
I wonder when the last time they did anything together as a family.
I would say the rudeness etc is a kick back for cleaning being prioritised over everyone and everything else.
Can you not see that it could be about anything.
If your mother only did one thing eg sewing every night and all weekend and that got priority over everything for years and years. I would think you too would be the ds after years of being ignored and listening to the sewing machine every hour of every day would set you off.

OPs cleaning is about control in your opinion. Maybe she's sick and tired of having an untidy house. And there's nowhere in OPs post that says she prioritises the cleaning above everything else, that's just how you've chosen to twist it, along with the years of being ignored comment, the son and father have had enough comment blah blah bollocks. I'm amazed you've managed to spout so much shite just because the OP does some cleaning!

What bythemillpond is pretty much saying that it's all OPs fault that her son and husband are dicks because she likes a clean and tidy home

Maybe he knows that the 11am is the start of another weekend of cleaning that doesn’t stop.

This amount of cleaning isn’t about keeping a house clean. This is about an op who is struggling and the cleaning is the control.
Like telling an anorexic that it is up to them what food they eat.
When you see a person struggling with something you don’t tell them to keep on struggling.

I would love to hear what the dd, Dh and ds say. I suspect that their behaviour is about whole childhoods being lost.
This isn’t about how a 21 year old reacts to his mother’s cleaning. This has been going on for years
I would like them all to look back to when cleaning overtook family life and why the need to clean took over.
This isn’t about setting up a rota or everyone doing their fair share because if they did then what would op do all weekend. What would she fill her life up with.
I suspect if the husband and the son cleaned the house top to bottom daily then op would just make excuses to keep getting up and wandering off to do something vitally important that couldn’t wait and she would still find the husband and the son unsupportive and she would still clean because it hadn’t been done up to her standards or it has become a ritual that can’t be stopped