Have I gone too far with my son?

[BBCONEANDTWO]

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

Your friend is a diamond.

So that's me finished work and off all weekend. DH has texted to see. if we can talk about things. I'm really nervous but think I should speak to him in a neutral place. My friend is happy for me to stay with her.

I don't know what to say about how we could move forward from this though.

I'd suggest going back through this thread and writing down bullet points of what is wrong with the current set-up - his disrespect, his dismissiveness ("he used to always say 'oh is it your time of the month, you're in a bad mood' if I said something that annoyed him"), you feeling you have nothing in common, his emotional constipation ("strong silent type") etc. Maybe write down examples of crap behaviour he and your son have - the garden thing, the constant sniping at you for singing, cleaning, walking!, etc. And then a thid list of what you want in life.

The reason I'm suggesting this is that I find things easier to get things straight in my head if I force myself to put it into words, not just allow it to stay a vague uneasy swirling mass of indeterminate thought . Once it's in words, I'm halfway to solving my problems.

Once you have your thoughts on paper, you're less likely to end up in tears, because you can say those words instead of getting flustered. You've written them, you remember them, you've formed that thought into a communicable form.

@WhereYouLeftIt

I'd suggest going back through this thread and writing down bullet points of what is wrong with the current set-up - his disrespect, his dismissiveness ("he used to always say 'oh is it your time of the month, you're in a bad mood' if I said something that annoyed him"), you feeling you have nothing in common, his emotional constipation ("strong silent type") etc. Maybe write down examples of crap behaviour he and your son have - the garden thing, the constant sniping at you for singing, cleaning, walking!, etc. And then a thid list of what you want in life.

The reason I'm suggesting this is that I find things easier to get things straight in my head if I force myself to put it into words, not just allow it to stay a vague uneasy swirling mass of indeterminate thought . Once it's in words, I'm halfway to solving my problems.

Once you have your thoughts on paper, you're less likely to end up in tears, because you can say those words instead of getting flustered. You've written them, you remember them, you've formed that thought into a communicable form.

Great idea thanks - I think I'm just so emotional at the moment that I'm not making much sense and this is a great start.

You poor dear! what your DS said was clearly out of order but it sounds like he knows that and is just frustrated at being stuck in the house listening to his mum cleaning instead of enjoying his life! These are tough times for everyone at the moment, no more so than young adults.

As for your DH, it sounds like you can get frustrated with him from time to time. Please remember no one has a perfect marriage and gets along all the time. Try not to overreact to one argument. Take your time, gather your thoughts and try and have a meaningful discussion with him. Its little wonder mumsnet has the reputation it does with people on here saying you should rethink a marriage/ leave your family over a little argument

Also, how is your relationship with your daughter? what does she think about all of this?

Some of the 'advice' on here is appalling

calls for kicking son out and divorcing husband over little more than petty household squabbles

OP - whatever you do don't do anything extreme based on things you've read in this

Great suggestions from @WhereYouLeftIt.

It essentially boils down to the fact that you feel completely disrespected.

So perhaps you can begin with that, and frame the whole conversation that way.

His/their behaviour makes you feel X, Y, Z - unhappy, upset, alone, etc, etc. And those feeling makes you X, Y, Z (want to leave the relationship, or your own words, etc, etc).

This is about the impact of their (or his) behaviour on you, and that it’s no longer sustainable, so things need to change. And that means either breaking up, or X, Y, Z.

Definitely agree with writing it out, and articulating it in your own head.

4door and blindsider maybe you should rtft and updates

its not one argument

This isn't really of any help, but I wonder if your DH being friends with your friend's DH is affecting how how is behaving ie he won't want his friend thinking badly of him. Do you think your friend's DH has been in touch with your DH?

It most certainly wasn't one mornings upset.

It is so annoying how posters haven't the basic courtesy to read a thread befor posting.

OP,
You have felt hugely disrespected for such a long time ny both your son and husband.

You sound so lonely and sad.

Think about what you want.
State clearly what you want and how you wish to be treated.

IMO easier to live alone than to be treated like shit day in, day out.

Be strong.

I don't know what to say about how we could move forward from this though.

You know you don't have to move forward if you don't want to. It's ok to say you're done. Equally it's ok to try again but this has been going on for years. What will be different now?

God this thread is such a wallow. Thinking of moving out over nothing. Take your son’s advice - stop cleaning and get out for a walk or if not do something else to relax. No one can get out much as they want to and it would be frustrating to listen to someone constantly fussing around.

She's not allowed to go into the garden to take the bins out if her adult son is out there. She's mocked if she sings along to the radio.
This isn't about cleaning

I wonder why the son doesn't go out for a walk on a Saturday morning after being paid to lie in bed all week while the OP is out working? If he can't stand the sound of her doing what she needs to to feel comfortable in her own home.

@BBCONEANDTWO How are you getting on?

Been thinking about you recently.

Yanbu. You’re not some housekeeper who needs to cater to the master’s wishes. If he wants to lie in bed all day in a silent house he can find one of his own.

I have just read the whole thread and it has had me in tears. I hope that you are ok now op. 💐

Very unreasonable of him, perhaps suggest if he does some of the jobs in the week you wont have so many to do at the weekend? I dont think my son would say this and i would be pretty miffed.

that is ridiculous!
what on earth time of day are you cleaning,
and why is it your respnsibility?
you must know the answer already

@Mischance

He's 21 and still living at home - if he doesn't like the sound of you cleaning then he can do it himself. Ditto your OH.

Took the words right out of my keyboard ...

I have read all your posts OP to get updated. You definately sound downtrodden if you dont mind me saying, and there is a lot more to this than the cleaning, that just tipped it over the edge. There are a lot of us women a bit like this I feel (i am to an extent) and we need to stand up and be strong and make changes, we only get one life. Thinking of you and let us know x

Sorry not been on this thread for ages - as mentioned I moved in with my friend but am back now. I stayed there for 1 month and during that time DH was in contact and we had a lot of conversations. I'm back and he is doing his best to treat me with respect and although I don't know what will happen in the future it seems to be going OK.

My son apologised and has been doing a lot of stuff now e.g. cleaning, tidying, painting fences and being much more respectful. It made a big difference leaving. I'd never done that before.

It's early days but I do feel more in control. Thank you so much to everyone who gave me advice when I needed it most.

Great update op. Glad to hear they have both made changes. Hope things work out for you.

I've read your updates op. I'm sorry you had to go through this. Being disrespected is not on. I'm glad they are both making an effort now, I hope they keep it up.

you said what needed saying, you made your point, well done op.