Have I gone too far with my son?

[BBCONEANDTWO]

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

@Bythemillpond

Maybe he knows that the 11am is the start of another weekend of cleaning that doesn’t stop.

This amount of cleaning isn’t about keeping a house clean. This is about an op who is struggling and the cleaning is the control.
Like telling an anorexic that it is up to them what food they eat.
When you see a person struggling with something you don’t tell them to keep on struggling.

I would love to hear what the dd, Dh and ds say. I suspect that their behaviour is about whole childhoods being lost.
This isn’t about how a 21 year old reacts to his mother’s cleaning. This has been going on for years
I would like them all to look back to when cleaning overtook family life and why the need to clean took over.
This isn’t about setting up a rota or everyone doing their fair share because if they did then what would op do all weekend. What would she fill her life up with.
I suspect if the husband and the son cleaned the house top to bottom daily then op would just make excuses to keep getting up and wandering off to do something vitally important that couldn’t wait and she would still find the husband and the son unsupportive and she would still clean because it hadn’t been done up to her standards or it has become a ritual that can’t be stopped

I'm actually speechless

fucking shut up about the cleaning

its other things aswell-dont sing it anoys ds dont go in the garden ds is out there

i mean ffs read the thread will you

that was to @Bythemillpond

@BBCONEANDTWO

I have tried to talk to DH - I said went into the room and the first thing he said was 'are you going to apologise'. Difficult.

I said I wanted to talk about what had happened and how I didn't feel supported by him. He told me to 'grow up' I nearly started crying but said that we needed to sort this out as I was so unhappy and couldn't go on like this. He said I needed to think about it and myself. I just left the room. I know people say don't do the silent treatment but I just can't have a proper conversation with him. I'm working tomorrow and have to be properly rested.

OK, silent treatment - I advised against it because it resolves nothing. I don't regard you walking out of the room at this point as giving him the silent treatment. You disengaged from his stonewalling.

You wanted a conversation. He's going to avoid it. I'd suggest putting it in writing. About not feeling supported, about his disrespect, about how you feel lonely in the marriage, about how you want all this to change. It can be easier to do it in writing because if you get emotional you can take a few minutes and go back to it, read it over, tune it up a bit to get your point across.

If he then continues to ignore, to ask you to apologise (you have nothing to apologise for) to just be his unrepentant self, then you know it's over for him too.

Regardless, I'd be looking at divorce. Start getting your paperwork together and start planning being free of all this.

To be honest I would tell both of them to sod off, how dare your partner not support you or is he another 21 year old who wants to lounge in bed all day. If my 15 year old and OH do this I purposely take the hoover into their rooms and knock it against the bed a few times for luck ha ha

I would have thrown the book at him for that or quite possibly the iron!! Bloody cheek of it!!

Your husband sounds awful, and your son is following his example.
They are being disrespectful towards you, and going in the direction of abusiveness.
Why should they expect you to set yourself on fire to keep them warm?
Move out. He'll only get worse.

Tel him to move out of he doesn't like it. You're not even slightly being unreasonable

Unless you are running the hoover round at 6am yanbu.
Perhaps DH and DS can muck in and help instead of complaining?

I would have asked if your DS had any good reason to complain about being woken in the morning. Eg works irregular shifts, or pulling all-nighters to meet uni deadlines.

But your updates have made it evident the real problem is your 'D'H.

You are not being unreasonable, they are being awful to you and you know that don’t you?!!!

I think the best way to explain this to them without actually having to talk to them is to withhold all cleaning / laundry / catering services you provide. It will be hard for you as you’re clearly a very house proud woman but I think you’ve spoiled them long enough it’s time to strike!

Good luck with them and any future partner for your ds!

If it actually needs cleaning then if course yanbu.

But... I have known a couple of women who clean constantly, buzzing all over the house wiping surfaces that look spotless, to the extent that no one else in the house can relax. And I wonder if there’s any chance that you’re doing a bit of that.

At 21 he should have his own list of jobs that are ‘his’ housework things to do, I certainly did by the time I was early teens.

Sounds like your DH is a prick and DS hasn’t fallen far from the tree. Why are you working FT and doing all the cleaning while DS is on furlough? Sounds like neither of them have any respect for you.

Oh my goodness you’re really having a rough time I can sympathise. Your son does seem to be the route of all of this why is you husband so protective of him - did your husband struggle with his own mother and thinks he’s just looking out for his son? Is you hubby like this with your daughter too?

If nothing like this I would talk direct to son when hubby not around and explain how he makes you feel (sorry but he sounds like an arsehole!), maybe ask daughter for support too?

I do also think counselling would help, hopefully make them understand how unreasonable they are.

Good luck 😉

This made me think about that TV series 'Life' with Alison Steadman in it (Gavin's mum from Gavin and Stacey).

She's portrayed as this older woman who has raised her family and has lost her way a bit. Her (grown-up) children and husband casually make her the butt of all jokes and speak down to her at any opportunity. Her husband is just awful but she accepts it as it's always been his way and she didn't realise how much it was getting to her. Until the day she does realise after having her eyes opened wide by an old friend. It's a brilliant series and I'd recommend it to everyone to watch. Just shows how all of these subtle digs and put-downs can make a person feel and the impact of that. She leaves him for a while and then returns home eventually with a lot of things reset (and a makeover :s).

You sound like you've got to the end of your tether OP and I don't blame you at all. Your DH can bugger off with his judgement of you...you only spoke the truth and your son was unbelievably rude. It feels like they are both very controlling characters in this casual way that probably doesn't even register with them.

I see this so often and hear about it from friends - it's like they're not taken seriously by the men in their lives. I wonder if some women do themselves a disservice by blaming their reactions or responses on hormones (Pregnancy, PMT or the menopause) and men then think that whenever you do react to something then it can be blamed on that rather than them being pig-ignorant and you reaching your limit. I can imagine your husband and son eye-rolling at each other and muttering 'women' as if we're this unpredictable and uncontrollable breed.

Sorry to prattle on but I feel infuriated on your behalf. You don't need to live your life in this way and put up with it.

Partner and son both unreasonable! Partner should have backed you up - no 21 year old tells me I can't clean my own bloody house! Doesn't like it he can rent a room somewhere else and be bothered by their cleaning!! Bloody cheek.

@SunnySideDownBriefly

This made me think about that TV series 'Life' with Alison Steadman in it (Gavin's mum from Gavin and Stacey).

She's portrayed as this older woman who has raised her family and has lost her way a bit. Her (grown-up) children and husband casually make her the butt of all jokes and speak down to her at any opportunity. Her husband is just awful but she accepts it as it's always been his way and she didn't realise how much it was getting to her. Until the day she does realise after having her eyes opened wide by an old friend. It's a brilliant series and I'd recommend it to everyone to watch. Just shows how all of these subtle digs and put-downs can make a person feel and the impact of that. She leaves him for a while and then returns home eventually with a lot of things reset (and a makeover :s).

You sound like you've got to the end of your tether OP and I don't blame you at all. Your DH can bugger off with his judgement of you...you only spoke the truth and your son was unbelievably rude. It feels like they are both very controlling characters in this casual way that probably doesn't even register with them.

I see this so often and hear about it from friends - it's like they're not taken seriously by the men in their lives. I wonder if some women do themselves a disservice by blaming their reactions or responses on hormones (Pregnancy, PMT or the menopause) and men then think that whenever you do react to something then it can be blamed on that rather than them being pig-ignorant and you reaching your limit. I can imagine your husband and son eye-rolling at each other and muttering 'women' as if we're this unpredictable and uncontrollable breed.

Sorry to prattle on but I feel infuriated on your behalf. You don't need to live your life in this way and put up with it.

The PMT definitely springs to mind with my DH. I'm too old for them now but he used to always say 'oh is it your time of the month, you're in a bad mood' if I said something that annoyed him.

I've been on the sofa the past 2 nights and the atmosphere has been extremely frosty. But I phoned one of my friends this morning on my break at work. I actually was very teary and she insisted I come and stay with her, she knows a lot of our history. I didn't think I should encroach on anyone but now I'm tucked up in bed with my laptop and a lovely drinking chocolate after having a lovely bath. I feel relief at the moment - don't know how long this will last and what I'm going to do but at least I'm getting a bit of peace.

Friend says I can stay as long as I want but I know it's not feasible long term. It was nice to watch her and her DH chatting earlier - no undercurrent or anything. I really feel like I've been walking on egg shells for years.

I did message DH to let him know I won't be home and staying at friends. He hasn't messaged back but I didn't want him to think I'd done something stupid.

I am so glad you have taken some time away from them, and also that you crucially realise you have been walking on eggshells for years.

No way to live.

Allow your friend to be a friend to you at this time.

Your husband does not sound like a good man or husband to you, not for a long time.

He has taught your son to be dismissive and disrespectful of you.

That must really hurt.

Shame on them both.

Take your time to figure out what you want and look at your options, financially and otherwise.

Keep posting.

I really feel like I've been walking on egg shells for years

Not good.

Is he angry your DH or just dismissive?

So glad you are snuggled up and relaxing. Good friends are a life saver aren't they!

(but PLEASE stop referring to him as DH, he isn't a Darling/Dear at all, just a Husband. Unless it stand fir DickHead)

@BloggersBlog

So glad you are snuggled up and relaxing. Good friends are a life saver aren't they!

(but PLEASE stop referring to him as DH, he isn't a Darling/Dear at all, just a Husband. Unless it stand fir DickHead)

Ha ha - Dickhead - love it.

Thanks to everyone on here for all your comments. I don't know what will happen or how I'll feel tomorrow but tonight I'm feeling tired but also 'safe' not that he is ever physical but just more relaxed.

YANBU ... BUT, I'd add the caveat that how you said it is relevant. If you were effing and blinding then maybe a bit OTT. In principle though, you are right.

The feeling you've got now at your friends house - that's the feeling you deserve to have every single day of your life in your own home.

If my boy (who has a penchant for telling me the truth as he gas asd/adhd like "mum do you need a comb" the other week when I just got out of bed but it made me laugh ) spoke to me like this, I would be reading him the riot act , no matter how old he was. Sorry.

Ps sorry for spelling errors. My dh would get a mouthful too .