Have I gone too far with my son?

[BBCONEANDTWO]

I work FT and at weekends do the cleaning, ironing, dusting etc. I have a son and daughter and my son still lives at home (he's 21). Last weekend he came down from his room and had a go at me for cleaning and that he can hear every step I take and it's annoying etc etc. I explained I only have the weekends to clean and I was sorry but needed to get on top of things.

Today - he came down from his room again complaining about me walking about (OK I do tend to clean one room, have a rest, do ironing, have a rest and a cuppa etc). It was how he said it to me that I don't need to clean all the time the house is immaculate (I do tend to try and keep on top of things during the week). I lost it. I told him not to tell me that I shouldn't be doing my housework, cooking etc and that I paid the mortgage and had every right to do what I wanted at the weekend.

Fast forward to tea time - DH said that it was a nasty thing to say about paying the mortgage and I had been in a bad mood all day and it wasn't fair what I said to DS.

I told DH that I will not feel uncomfortable in my own house etc etc but he doesn't agree with me.

So - I am asking you mums netters if you think I was out of order or not.

Yes you are being unreasonable
No you are not being unreasonable

Ps your dh has modelled himself on his dad. Time for a few home truths that women in a relationship are not just about the wife doing the cleaning and the man feeling like he is entitled to that level of crap just because he is going out with a woman .

I'm glad you've taken some time to yourself to sit, ponder and relax.

It does appear that your dh and ds see you as part of the furniture. You are there to serve a purpose and they both feel it's ok to talk down to you and bully you. Your dh's responses in all this smacks of someone who's just irked at the little woman who's dared to have a different opinion to him. I'm sure he thinks you should be back in your place by now and is probably baffled as to why you've not just ignored him for a bit then gone back to being normal. Your ds has witnessed this all his life and is now behaving accordingly.

They are ganging up on you.

I’d start thinking about divorce. Not in a LTB way - in a genuine, would your life be better with him way? As someone else had said, you deserve to have this lovely calm feeling every day. Take the time to decide if you can get that with him or if you’d be better off solo.

He's text me saying I can come home he'll sleep on sofa and can have as much space as I need.

@BBCONEANDTWO

He's text me saying I can come home he'll sleep on sofa and can have as much space as I need.

Wow he’s suddenly found his respect for you now you’re on the verge of leaving

So glad you’ve had a nice time at your friend’s OP.

Further to that, please don’t see any ‘good behaviour’ over the next couple of weeks as signs that they’re reformed men - you shouldn’t have to leave for them to treat you with basic dignity and respect. And they’re probably missing their cook/cleaner. Make sure you put yourself first and don’t be lulled into a false sense of security 💜

He is probably worried now that you are telling your friends what he is like. Oh well, never mind, eh?

If you feel ok at your friend's I would stay at least a week or so. It takes a few days just to let go of the tension and really get your head free to think.

Maybe your son AND husband would benefit from a homemade Adult Chore Schedule?

It works to give kids a motivation to help and do things for the household... Maybe it could teach your co inhabitants the same bloody thing. I'd be livid in your circumstances.

Only go home if you want to. Not because he's suddenly realised that you could actually leave and on a permanent basis.
When you do get home, things have to change. There is little point in going back and repeating the same old same old.

Best of luck to you whatever you decide.

I think I'd use this time to catch up with your friend and enjoy yourself. When you do go back, THEN he can sleep on the sofa.

Have a think about what needs to change, a chore rota sounds a good idea, alongside not talking to you like shit.

Stay at your friends for a week. Then meet DH somewhere neutral and have a proper talk. Do not move back in without clear agreements about what needs to change. Needs to start with apologies from both of them.

Your DS and DH should be up and doing the cleaning WITH you.
Shame on the both of them.

Another one saying that if your son is furloughed and you're still working FT, he needs to do way way more. Just cleaning his room is not enough.

How about drawing up a list of all the chores and cleaning jobs, and how often they need to be done, including the garden jobs etc that your DH currently does. Then call a house meeting and go through that list, saying these need to be shared out equally around everyone who lives there. Your son needs to put his name against as many as you do.

It's not your job to write - or even suggest - a chore rota. If they need one to ensure everyone pulls their weight, they work that out for themselves.

But its not first and foremost about the chores, is it? Its the entrenched misogyny and disrespect.

He's text me saying I can come home he'll sleep on sofa and can have as much space as I need

You already have space, being looked after by your lovely friend. His idea of space doubtless involves you still cooking and cleaning for him and your DS. I know which one I’d pick!

Stay where you are for a week.

Do not return until it has been explained what is going to change.

Tell your husband to set himself up downstairs and turn it into a bedroom for himself.

They have behaved shamefully towards you for a longtime.

Do not go back to a shared room.

You need your own space.

Do not go back to cleaning, cooking or laundry for them.

This is your chance to really change things, while you take your time to decide do you really want to be married to this pig.

Are your finances separate?
Thank god you work.

Look at alternative accommodation and how that work.

They have treated you badly for a long time thinking sooooo little of you that, that you would suck it up.

Your husband sounds so awful, I doubt you are anxious to return.

Let them both see they have underestimated you completely.

I get the sense that your daughter isn't a support?

If not, she may be a flying monkey who will contact you to intervene on their behalf.

Tell her to go and clean for them if she is so concerned.
Tell her firmly you are no longer accepting their appalling behaviour or disrespect.

Stay strong.
They are both disgracefully disrespectful.

You deserve better.

@candycane222

It's not your job to write - or even suggest - a chore rota. If they need one to ensure everyone pulls their weight, they work that out for themselves.

But its not first and foremost about the chores, is it? Its the entrenched misogyny and disrespect.

Maybe you're right in saying it's not OP's job to make a rota. But if she doesn't even suggest any changes, do you really think help around the house will come from the other 2 people living there? They were fine with her attitude before, because it didn't require any change on their part.

There are indeed deep, underlying things in this whole scenario. OP can't even have a decent conversation with her husband. About anything, apparantely, without him telling her off moments later...

The rota suggestion was more to change the son's appalling behaviour. If he doesn't do anything apart from paying for Hotel Mama, when will he learn to behave in a responsible manner? This type of shitty behaviour should have been addressed waaayyy sooner than this, he's 21 and a little squirmy tit, ffs!

Dear OP, I'm very pleased you have a friend that understands your need for peace at this time. What does she think about this situation, and what of her husband's opinion?

Please take care of yourself. Don't go back if nothing changes. Enforce change. I know PLENTY of adolescents who live at home, who make dinner or do chores to help out! Money doesn't make up for disrespectful behaviour. There needs to be a balance in everything in life, yours as well. Don't allow anyone to discard your needs. Not your son. And certainly not your husband.

Thanks again for all your replies. The cleaning seems to have taken over from some posters - that's not the real problem I've realised. I am not constantly cleaning btw just to confirm that. This isn't actually about me and my son anymore. I agree he was rude and out of order but he's text me to apologise I really don't want to lose that relationship. Plus after covid no doubt he will find his own flat.

Now I am at my friends I feel a little more relaxed but of course I'm still thinking about it all and getting upset.

This is where I have to be strong. He's been texting me asking if I'm OK, he will give me space, do I need money etc etc. I'm also starting to feel a bit sorry for him.

I'm so lucky I've got my friend but I don't want to outstay my welcome although I'm not here during the day so there's space for her during the day her HB is still working but she is WFH.

I just feel exhausted. Thanks for all of you who have posted.

I am so glad your son has apologised.

For him to have the chance of a happy healthy relationship in his future, respecting women will play a huge part of that.

Your husband is another matter.

You sound like a lovely woman who has done her best but who has been hugely dismissed and disrespected.

You are important.

Your friend has offered you her friendship at this time.
Accept it.

You have a chance to really reflect on the past and what you want for your future.

Clearly you are too good for your husband.

But we do teach people how to treat us and he has been given the signal that you will accept being treated badly for a long time.

I really hope you will realise that you have great value and do not have to accept his disregard as all you deserve.

Show your son that women should be respected and your husband that your marriage continuing isn't a given.

I think you should tell him that you are going to take more time.
Ask him to move from the bedroom to the sitting room, and that you are reflecting on how unhappy you have been in your marriage.

In other words, let this nasty man stew.

He needs telling that his awful behaviour has made it clear that he doesn't care for you, and that you too need time to reflect.

The truth is that some women take far too much shit in their marriages over a long time.
What do you want YOUR future to be?

More of this from your awful husband?

Or put him on notice that actually he isn't that nice a man, you aren't happy and you are realising that ending your marriage might make you a lot happier.

Only return when he has vacated the bedroom, which will give you space in YOUR home.

you need to take time op-he needs to realise its about the way he talks to you and treats you not just needing space

good your ds apologised

This isn't actually about me and my son anymore. I agree he was rude and out of order but he's text me to apologise

And has he also agreed that you can go in the garden whenever you need/want to?

I feel there's more to this, with both DH and DS. The one occasion you started posting about, the Saturday morning cleaning, doesn't seem like something that would still be an issue five days later. I suspect the examples you've given are the small tip of a large iceberg.

If I'm right, and you leaving has rattled them because they never thought you meant it, make sure there are clear boundaries in place before you return. And if those boundaries aren't respected, then time to think about leaving them to it.

@Navilana

Dear OP, I'm very pleased you have a friend that understands your need for peace at this time. What does she think about this situation, and what of her husband's opinion?

My friend said to me that I haven't been happy for a long time and to take the time I need. Her husband knows my DH and she did tell me that her husband does think my DH is a bit arrogant at times. She knows a lot more from me and when I told her about the text she told me don't forget why you're here.

While it's good to see that your DS apologised to you, could he not have spoken to you, his mother, rather than texting you??? I'm baffled at that. If my mother walked out of the family home and started staying with her friend, I'd blood well pick up the phone and talk to her, not send her a text.
As for your husband, things need to change before you should consider returning home first. He was taking you for granted and that has to change. He wasn't respecting you either and that too has to change. I agree with a lot of what @billy1966 posted above.

Please only make the decision to return home when you are ready to do that. Not because you feel pressurised into going home.

God if my son spoke like that he'd be told to pack his bags! How rude! Maybe he should get out his room and bloody well help

I'm relieved your son has at least apologised to you for his behaviour.
May I say though, that at his age, he is adult enough to realise he is being part of the problem. He's not a sulky teenager, yet he behaves like one. He doesn't seem to respect your parenting and your husband (and you too!) seem to enable him to continue with that behaviour. At the very least, there should be an increase in household activity from his side, until he leaves after corona. He isn't on holiday!

I'm happy your friend has given you her outlook on the situation. Has she experienced your husband's behaviour towards you (when he doesn't agree and has the itching urge to act like an Evil He-Man in your ear)?

She's right in reminding you not to forget why you are there... Just because your husband can write a damn convincing text, doesn't mean anything will change.
Stop feeling sorry for your husband!
He seems to be bullying you to the point where you just shut up and take it

Just come closer to yourself the next couple of days. See what else he sends you..