WWYD if your DD told you this?

[ljs1979]

Name changed for this just in case the person concerned is on here.

My DD (15) has just told me that one of her friends who lives locally is having a hard time at home but doesn't know who to confide in. She said her friend (same age as my DD) is living with her Mum, step dad and little brother (aged 5), and that both her and mum are afraid of step dad. I asked why - she said he starts lots of arguments and there's always shouting in the house, and that at one point (a few months ago), stepdad held a knife to both her and Mum's throat (5 year old little boy was sleeping upstairs when this happened). She said Mum got her and her friend out of the house and they stayed with a relative for the night.

I asked had Mum phoned the police or tried to get any help? She said no, her friend told her mum is too scared to do this. Her friend made my DD "promise not to tell anyone because I don't want my step dad to go to prison". My DD asked her friend can I tell my Mum about it, as I know she'd want to help if she knew. Friend said yes you can tell your Mum but no one else (hence how I know).

This is a relatively new friend of my DD's - we moved house and she lives locally (they get on the same bus to school hence she's recently got to know her more). I asked my DD if school are aware of the situation, or if anyone at all is involved with the family to support them - she said not that she knows of, she gets the impression from her friend that Mum is too scared to involve anyone for help.

I'm posting for people's opinions as it just sits really, really uncomfortably with me, that a woman, her teenage daughter, and a little boy are at risk of harm from this man just a few miles from my house, but no one knows about it except me and DD. I desperately want to reach out to this poor woman and her kids, but would I be overstepping the mark? It's worth saying I've never met her and I don't even know where their house is (DD knows).

I've said to DD if your friend is ever worried or feels unsafe she's welcome at our house anytime - day or night - please let her know that, etc. My DD is going to pass that on.

Is there something else I should do? WWYD?

So I called LA out of hours safeguarding team - they told me I needed to log it with police instead. So I rang 101 and told them what I know, which is only the girl's name, age (not DoB), and approximate area where she lives (name of village only). The police database brought a match up straight away for a child with that name of that age, in that area. Her address was already on file for some reason. I'm guessing that means they're known to police already? They are sending someone to do a welfare check within the next 2 hours, and said they will report to SS themselves if they need to following this.

My DD is really upset now, saying she's worried she's broken her friend's confidence and is scared the stepdad will retaliate against her friend tonight after the police leave. She's also worried it can be traced to us as the ones reporting (police said they won't share our names etc), but DD said it will be obvious it was us because her friend (allegedly) hasn't told anyone else about the knife incident.

What a mess. My DD is in her room in tears and I'm just sat here feeling anxious and praying I haven't made it all worse. I did the right thing, didn't I?

*to

I even got the police officer to speak to DD to explain she hasn't done anything wrong and it's right to report it etc. But DD can't see past it somehow being "her fault" for breaching friend's trust.

You and DD are doing the right thing, of course!
Tell your DD, if you sat and did nothing, and something else awful happened, then how would your DD feel, knowing she's the only person who knew? She has no guilt to burden, she did the exact right thing OP.
She is protecting her friend and hopefully putting a stop to the abuse, she is the hero here.

Yes, you've done the right thing.

Also remember it is quite possible other people are aware of the knife incident - teenagers often say they have only confided in one person when it may be more than one.

Well done to you and DD

@VenusTiger

I said this to DD - however bad you feel now for breaching her trust, imaging how bad you'd feel if one day your friend didn't turn up to school and you found he'd seriously hurt her or worse. She gets that, but she's just such a fiercely loyal person to her friends and I think she feels torn between doing the right thing and not upsetting her friend.

@BearEastie

Yeah I said this too - anyone could have overheard something from the house and made the report to the police. Or mum might have told others about the knife incident, who knows. I don't think it can be definitely linked back to us. But DD is now worried about this, of course. She said tomorrow when friend mentions police coming over, I'm going to have to look her in the face and lie to her saying I know nothing. It feels such a messy situation for her to navigate at her age.

If they confirmed they had a matche the police have breached data protection. Very serious indeed. The report should have been taken factually and nothing intimated. Spectacularly unprofessional.

Maybe practice some one liners as a response with your DD, as role play in the morning so she has some confidence when she has to do it.

As an aside, the police officer I spoke with was absolutely lovely and took it very seriously. I thought he would get frustrated with me not being able to provide full information etc, but he was really concerned and said it was definitely the right thing to report it.

Also - I'm currently 8 months pregnant so not ideal to be in this stressful situation tonight, but I've cried it out now. Time to relax!

I really do hope that family are OK.

@RosesAndHellebores

If they confirmed they had a matche the police have breached data protection. Very serious indeed. The report should have been taken factually and nothing intimated. Spectacularly unprofessional.

After I gave her name he asked for DoB, I said I know her age but not DoB. He said that's ok, I've got a child here of that name, age and area, so just wanted to confirm, but not to worry. He didn't tell me any other details of why they were flagged up etc.

@ljs1979 it's not a GDPR breech as you provided the identifying details to the police.

Well done again to you both, hope you both get some rest.

Hope you're okay, OP. You've done what you can, now try and rest.

But the police officer intimated they had a record already. Wholly unacceptable.

Honestly OP, your DD is relieved that you have done this. She's just conflicted because the loyalty to mates is so intense at that age. But, just as the mate told your DD because she wanted help, your DD told you because she knew you would report it.

before involving the school, I would talk to the mother first. She has enough to deal with and she probably wouldn't appreciate someone going behind her back informing the school, police.

It doesn't sound like a good environment but perhaps get the mothers take on it first.

@ljs1979

As an aside, the police officer I spoke with was absolutely lovely and took it very seriously. I thought he would get frustrated with me not being able to provide full information etc, but he was really concerned and said it was definitely the right thing to report it.

Also - I'm currently 8 months pregnant so not ideal to be in this stressful situation tonight, but I've cried it out now. Time to relax!

I really do hope that family are OK.

I couldn't read through all of the 286 posts, so I skipped to the end to see you had reported it to police

Just going to say, social worker here, you absolutely did the right thing by reporting it

Let the professionals deal with it.

I don't know what was said in midst of the thread in between early but I read and the end, but there is no way and no justification for hiding this, it has got to go to police or children social workers,

You tell school they will ring police, you tell GP they will ring police. Regardless it will get to police and children services whom ever you tell. And OP can stay anonymous , they won't tell, but it needs those agencies to talk to the family.

There is never a justification for holding a knife against anyone's throat or threatening harm or anything to any child or other parent.

Let the professionals deal with it (they will jot way where it came from) .. let them listen to the children and the partner

I would ring social care. There is always a contact number of you have concerns about a child. The thing with ringing school or nspcc is that they will then pass on to social care so it's more links in the chain- more people, more time for info to be missed, lost etc. It's always better if the person who has heard the disclosure can report it to avoid second or third hand info. If it wasn't for the knife I would probably have said school or nspcc but a knife is a very high risk dangerous situation which needs dealing with urgently. Of course your daughters friend will be worried about her violent stepdad knowing she has told people about it but safeguarding her is the priority. You can report to social care anonymously though.

This will now hinge on the mum being brave enough to say it happened. If not the DD is in for it big time.
A welfare check tonight worries me. No chance of her getting out of the house after they leave. If mum and Stepdad deny it then the police will leave. They won't take the DD out of the situation and then she is left with them.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Honestly OP, your DD is relieved that you have done this. She's just conflicted because the loyalty to mates is so intense at that age. But, just as the mate told your DD because she wanted help, your DD told you because she knew you would report it.

She's just come out of her room and said "I can see now that you did the right thing, I just panicked that my friend won't speak to me anymore" and given me a big hug.

Not sure if it's pregnancy hormones or the intensity of the situation but I just feel like crying!