WWYD if your DD told you this?

[ljs1979]

Name changed for this just in case the person concerned is on here.

My DD (15) has just told me that one of her friends who lives locally is having a hard time at home but doesn't know who to confide in. She said her friend (same age as my DD) is living with her Mum, step dad and little brother (aged 5), and that both her and mum are afraid of step dad. I asked why - she said he starts lots of arguments and there's always shouting in the house, and that at one point (a few months ago), stepdad held a knife to both her and Mum's throat (5 year old little boy was sleeping upstairs when this happened). She said Mum got her and her friend out of the house and they stayed with a relative for the night.

I asked had Mum phoned the police or tried to get any help? She said no, her friend told her mum is too scared to do this. Her friend made my DD "promise not to tell anyone because I don't want my step dad to go to prison". My DD asked her friend can I tell my Mum about it, as I know she'd want to help if she knew. Friend said yes you can tell your Mum but no one else (hence how I know).

This is a relatively new friend of my DD's - we moved house and she lives locally (they get on the same bus to school hence she's recently got to know her more). I asked my DD if school are aware of the situation, or if anyone at all is involved with the family to support them - she said not that she knows of, she gets the impression from her friend that Mum is too scared to involve anyone for help.

I'm posting for people's opinions as it just sits really, really uncomfortably with me, that a woman, her teenage daughter, and a little boy are at risk of harm from this man just a few miles from my house, but no one knows about it except me and DD. I desperately want to reach out to this poor woman and her kids, but would I be overstepping the mark? It's worth saying I've never met her and I don't even know where their house is (DD knows).

I've said to DD if your friend is ever worried or feels unsafe she's welcome at our house anytime - day or night - please let her know that, etc. My DD is going to pass that on.

Is there something else I should do? WWYD?

Well done for reporting it op.
It’s a really difficult situation and who knows how it will all end up.
Really though you’ve passed the information on appropriately and have made it known your house can be a safe space for her. Beyond that there wasn’t much else you could have done considering you barely know the child and don’t know the mother at all.

Thanks again everyone.

DP just came home from work and I told him, he said I definitely did the right thing and that he wouldn't have felt comfortable sitting on that information either.

Fingers crossed for a good outcome for them all.

@CloudyGladys

The poor advice on this thread is frightening. (MN, please put a sticky thread that people in OP's position can click to get the right advice).

The agencies with statutory responsibility for Safeguarding are Health, Social Services and the Police. Not Education. If you call the school, they will report what you tell them, but that will be on Monday and not a direct report from you.

Do not speak to the Mum, the Dad, the Aunt, the neighbour or anyone else suggested by PP. Don't discuss in any way with DD's friend or ask her any questions. If she confides in you, listen and don't promise to keep secrets.

Ring the Police or Social Services out of hours now. Tell them what you know and let them deal with it.

On Monday, ring school and speak to the Designated Safeguarding Lead, with respect to DD. Tell them that DD's friend has made a disclosure to her and ask them to keep an eye on DD (in case there are issues between her and her friend, or the friend is not in school on Monday). They will know about your report as the schools will be contacted as part of the investigation. Don't expect to be told what happens as a result of your report.

Reassure DD she has done the right thing in telling you, and if friend discloses more to tell you or either DD or her friend can tell the Designated Teacher at school or ring ChildLine.

Thank you. Please follow this sensible advice OP.

@TheChip apols for using your post, but I'm seriously disturbed by @Whooptydooperbounce 's obsession with my post but not with yours -

TheChip

Are the police actually going? I'd be very surprised if they do and don't just refer over to CS.

OP: They said so yes, within 2 hours of my call.

@ljs1979 good that you've got your DP to talk to as well - hope your DD is feeling better and that all turns out well and for the best with her friend.

@MrsPnut sorry, I think it was my tired eyes but you misunderstood my post entirely - probably my fault for the poor wording. What I was advocating is that the OP does report immediately. I meant that she does not have to take on the 'responsibility' of worrying about how the step father may or may not react or anticipating any fallout, or about counselling the girl by herself.

[quote VenusTiger]@ljs1979 good that you've got your DP to talk to as well - hope your DD is feeling better and that all turns out well and for the best with her friend.[/quote]

She's much better now thank you. No word from the friend ... maybe she will find out more tomorrow when she goes out with her.

@Yebanksandbraes

The friend may have told your DD and said she could tell you because she thinks you will be able to help. She may be scared and not know what to do, but she may be hoping that you will know and do something to end this horrible abusive situation. Please get some advice from the police/school/NSPCC/social services even if just anonymously at first. Those children are not safe.

I absolutely agree with this post. It may be hard - but you also have to remember that your DD’s friend may have had this conversation as a cry for help. Also if she’s had this conversation with your DD she may have also told someone else and therefore it may not necessarily ‘come back’ to you.... you can always just deny having reported anything. But at the end of the day I think you have a responsibility to report something about this situation to some kind of authorities. I wish you and your DD’s friend and mum/brother the best of luck.

@ljs1979

Thanks again everyone.

DP just came home from work and I told him, he said I definitely did the right thing and that he wouldn't have felt comfortable sitting on that information either.

Fingers crossed for a good outcome for them all.

Sorry OP, I was catching up on the thread and missed your latest updates so apologies my last post doesn't make sense.

You did the right thing - well done to you and your daughter. You now need to take a step back mentally and park this incident to some extent for your own well-being. No-one benefits from you engaging with worry all evening. You can show care and kindness as and when the girl crosses your path but my tuppence worth is not to get too over invested, as harsh as it sounds, for your own mental health. There are people looking after this family as that's their job. You have your own DD and baby on the way to focus on. Your dd has learnt a lesson here.

Good luck x

You did the right thing. You could not have done otherwise.

If you want to take action the only thing to do IMHO is to call social services. I'm not sure if I'd do anything in those circumstances. I certainly wouldn't offer them a place to stay at my house.

Report it.

You've offered support to her friend.

Your dd said she wanted to tell you because you will want to help and her friend agreed.

I interpret this as her desperately wanting help but also being terrified of the intervention, which is like a normal reaction.

What's more, you are an adult in a position of trust, which means you have a duty of care to trigger safeguarding protocols for this girl.

If the ideal result doesn't come about and SS are fobbed off, you have at least opened the door to further intervention, flagged with the right people and demonstrated to the girl and your DD that when help is needed, it will be provided. She'll know that you can be relied on to do the right thing.

She also will not have to carry the responsibility of taking action herself.

You can then continue to support her and her family, and your DD, by providing a safe place, an understanding ear and action when it's needed.

Well done, OP.

No one should be worried about Covid restrictions where domestic abuse is happening, they are allowed to come to your house if needed.

"Household isolation instructions as a result of coronavirus do not apply if you need to leave your home to escape domestic abuse" (from the Government website ).

Well done OP, you've done the right thing and hopefully they will get help from the right people!

Oh gosh op, what a pants situation. Well done to both you and Dd for trying everything you can to help this situation. I have reported some issues with a lady who lives near me to SS as she is vulnerable and attacking her DP regularly, I couldn’t sleep knowing something fatal could happen and I hadn’t said anything.
X

No updates this morning ... DD has had no texts from her friend re police visiting. She's getting ready to meet up with her now though.

I barely slept, was having nightmares about the whole thing

Are you going to be nearby OP?

@ljs1979

DD has also just told me that her friend only agreed to me knowing because my DD assured her I wouldn't tell anyone. 🙈

The DD is a child. She doesn’t know what’s best, only that she’s afraid. It’s up to qualified adults to deal with this, so your job now is to involve them and step back.

Safeguarding teams will have the experience and knowledge to deal with this in the way that is most likely to keep the DC safe, everything else (whether the friend feels betrayed, mum feels aggrieved or he gets arrested etc is irrelevant).

This mum is not keeping her DC safe from harm and therefore what happens to her is totally on her. DD’s friend is too young to know that she NEEDS other people to know and to cause some trouble in order to stay safe. I don’t say that unsympathetically as I know it’s not as easy for the mum as saying LTB but, to quote the cliche, somebody think of the children.

Now you’ve been told it’s you’d duty to report it to the appropriate people - school safeguarding seems a good place to start, and let them deal with it.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Are you going to be nearby OP?

Sorry, I don't think this will show up as me being the OP...? I changed my name for this post as I don't want to use my normal name in case I'm identified by the family involved.

Yes I'm staying close by - our house is a matter of a mile or so from where she's meeting her friend.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Please read my updates - I contacted police last night.

Yes I'm staying close by - our house is a matter of a mile or so from where she's meeting her friend.

Ah good, just conscious of your DD not being pressured to go to their home or anything. Ideal if you're on standby at home with your phone on loud in case she wants to give you a call. She sounds lovely and so do you, well done for reporting this

Late to this but I think your DD did really well. It was a great idea to get her friend's permission to tell you. She wasn't to know that as an adult you can't always do what she says you'll do.

Bless her, she's a 15 year old, not an adult trained in safeguarding. She's done the right thing and been a good friend.

You have a daughter to be proud of, she had the initiative to get her friend and her friend’s mother help they need. She did the right thing. Yes, it is so difficult to face problems, like do I tell or not, or whether you will make things better or worse. But we need more people like your daughter and you, to help keep others safe.

You did the right thing.

Hope their walk went well