WWYD if your DD told you this?

[ljs1979]

Name changed for this just in case the person concerned is on here.

My DD (15) has just told me that one of her friends who lives locally is having a hard time at home but doesn't know who to confide in. She said her friend (same age as my DD) is living with her Mum, step dad and little brother (aged 5), and that both her and mum are afraid of step dad. I asked why - she said he starts lots of arguments and there's always shouting in the house, and that at one point (a few months ago), stepdad held a knife to both her and Mum's throat (5 year old little boy was sleeping upstairs when this happened). She said Mum got her and her friend out of the house and they stayed with a relative for the night.

I asked had Mum phoned the police or tried to get any help? She said no, her friend told her mum is too scared to do this. Her friend made my DD "promise not to tell anyone because I don't want my step dad to go to prison". My DD asked her friend can I tell my Mum about it, as I know she'd want to help if she knew. Friend said yes you can tell your Mum but no one else (hence how I know).

This is a relatively new friend of my DD's - we moved house and she lives locally (they get on the same bus to school hence she's recently got to know her more). I asked my DD if school are aware of the situation, or if anyone at all is involved with the family to support them - she said not that she knows of, she gets the impression from her friend that Mum is too scared to involve anyone for help.

I'm posting for people's opinions as it just sits really, really uncomfortably with me, that a woman, her teenage daughter, and a little boy are at risk of harm from this man just a few miles from my house, but no one knows about it except me and DD. I desperately want to reach out to this poor woman and her kids, but would I be overstepping the mark? It's worth saying I've never met her and I don't even know where their house is (DD knows).

I've said to DD if your friend is ever worried or feels unsafe she's welcome at our house anytime - day or night - please let her know that, etc. My DD is going to pass that on.

Is there something else I should do? WWYD?

OP - honestly the best way is to report it, now, tonight.

15 year olds aren't stupid and she will probably figure out what your general chit chat is about, it may lead to a disclosure and it is really best that from now on professionals deal with that. They also know the right questions to ask and how to ask them to get the best outcome for the victims in any court cases.

It’s so hard to know what to do if this is something new to you.

In your shoes I would call social services out of hours or the police to get some advice straight away. They are very used to dealing with DV so will know how to handle things. This isn’t something for you and your DD to hold on to for any length of time or for you to figure out what’s going on. You dont know what this man is capable of if what your DD’s friend says is right so consider your own safety too.

Giving your DD friend the message that she had a safe place with you is really good too. Well done.

I was that teenage girl although the difference was he was my dad;he'd only lay a hand on women though;never touched my brothers.

I was too scared to tell an adult as I was worried about the consequences:as an adult I now know that SS would have protected myself and my mum.

Please phone the school and ask to speak to the safeguarding team;next time that knife might be more than a just a threat.

@ljs1979

Does anyone think it sounds like Mum is complicit within the abuse? Or just a victim too? I can't work it out from what I've been told... and I don't have much experience with domestic abuse situations.

You don't need to know that. The first rule of safeguarding (well the third really) is not to investigate anything yourself and not to speculate, just state the facts and then leave it. You won't ever hear the outcome.

OK - I'm going to call my local authority safeguarding out of hours, found their number.

All I have to go on though is a name, school and year group. I don't know this girl's exact address - my DD knows the area she lives (a mile or so from our house - it's sort of 2 villages right near each other).

Will that be enough info for them to go on? It will have to be I suppose.

The poor advice on this thread is frightening. (MN, please put a sticky thread that people in OP's position can click to get the right advice).

The agencies with statutory responsibility for Safeguarding are Health, Social Services and the Police. Not Education. If you call the school, they will report what you tell them, but that will be on Monday and not a direct report from you.

Do not speak to the Mum, the Dad, the Aunt, the neighbour or anyone else suggested by PP. Don't discuss in any way with DD's friend or ask her any questions. If she confides in you, listen and don't promise to keep secrets.

Ring the Police or Social Services out of hours now. Tell them what you know and let them deal with it.

On Monday, ring school and speak to the Designated Safeguarding Lead, with respect to DD. Tell them that DD's friend has made a disclosure to her and ask them to keep an eye on DD (in case there are issues between her and her friend, or the friend is not in school on Monday). They will know about your report as the schools will be contacted as part of the investigation. Don't expect to be told what happens as a result of your report.

Reassure DD she has done the right thing in telling you, and if friend discloses more to tell you or either DD or her friend can tell the Designated Teacher at school or ring ChildLine.

@ljs1979

OK - I'm going to call my local authority safeguarding out of hours, found their number.

All I have to go on though is a name, school and year group. I don't know this girl's exact address - my DD knows the area she lives (a mile or so from our house - it's sort of 2 villages right near each other).

Will that be enough info for them to go on? It will have to be I suppose.

That will be enough, yes.

Will that be enough info for them to go on? It will have to be I suppose.

Yes - absolutely - they will be able to get any info from school if needed, and they also may already have it on file if there have been previous concerns.

Give Social Services whatever you know. They may already be aware of the family or can go to the Police for them to fill in the gaps.

I think you should tell the school. I had a slightly different situation but involved violence in the home when I was young. Nobody done anything my sister and I were left to suffer. That girl is important and someone should intervene

@thenewduchessofhastings

I was that teenage girl although the difference was he was my dad;he'd only lay a hand on women though;never touched my brothers.

I was too scared to tell an adult as I was worried about the consequences:as an adult I now know that SS would have protected myself and my mum.

Please phone the school and ask to speak to the safeguarding team;next time that knife might be more than a just a threat.

from someone who lived through the same nightmare and was too scared to tell. There are so many of us, aren't there?

Glad you are doing this OP.

I do think the blind faith that SS will always do the right thing and provide assistance is awesome.

When my dd was v vulnerable and had taken the tiniest od whilst safety netted by a private consultant psychiatrist because CAMHS declined to support (over which I got a kicking in A&E from a spectacularly ill informed sister) my family was reported to MASH which resulted in a call from ss. A gentleman who could not speak English with clarity and who asked if we needed support but upon being questioned could not explain what any support might be. He was also very discourteous. Case closed - as it should have been. However there was not an iota of competence had there been an issue.

I am deeply shocked that those who claim to be acquainted with the system and how it works actually think harnessing it may lead to anything helpful. It often doesn't.

@ILoveJVT

Sorry OP, but that's not your responsibility and you are not trained. Mean that in a kind way- it's too much pressure on yourself.

You don't know the extent of the abuse and in all likelihood the police / SS are already aware. Your delay could cause problems. Your report could simply reinforce the case and provide further background to a case that is already being dealt with.

This is really bad advice, no matter whether social services or the police are involved, there is never an excuse to ignore abuse.

The part you provide might finish a jigsaw and enable them to act.

Always contact social services in the first instance, they can then take as much information as you have. School is the next best option if there is no immediate danger and don’t bother with NSPCC, I used to get so many incomplete and useless referrals from them when I was a social worker. They don’t have access to the records during the call so can’t ask specialised questions.

@MrsPnut That advice came off the back of questioning the child - it's the right advice.

Trained professionals only should question the child, if you are an ex-social worker you will know this.

The OP then said it was just general questions - again the OP isn't trained to make a risk assessment and is best just to report it.

OP, please do contact the school. They may already have suspicions and this will be an extra puzzle piece for them. They are trained in dealing with these things delicately.

I was your daughter's friend. I never told a soul at school as was told not too but was desperate for them to find out and to help.

ETA - That poster was agreeing to report! Report rather than OP take it on herself ...

@RosesAndHellebores

I think you need to speak to the mother privately and tell her what your dd has told you and that you are going to report the matter as a safeguarding concern. You should also be clear that you are prepared to provide shelter in the short term should it be true.

I think you need to grasp the nettle and involve the other mother face to face. If it's not true the girl clearly needs help in some shape or form; if it true be there to help.

The OP would be putting herself and her family in immense danger by offering refuge. Also there's no point discussing it with the mother. Firstly, she's perfectly likely to deny it through fear, and secondly it may again put the OP in danger because the abused woman might be forced into telling her abuser who had reported it.

I think it's best to keep everything at arms length, including any efforts to ascertain the veracity of what's been said. Leave that to the professionals. Report what you've been told now, you can find out who to report it to in your area here: www.england.nhs.uk/safeguarding/nhs-england-safeguarding-app/

Really, this is past chats and offers of help assuming it's true, and for now it's best to assume it is indeed true. I'm speaking as someone whose XH tried to kill both me and DC. Please don't take any chances with your own family's safety or that of your DDs poor friend.

Just seen your update OP. I'm really relieved, thank you for doing this.

Of course for safeguarding purposes you must let The LA know. I just pray they have specialist DV knowledge ( this varies a lot in different areas) and the mum is approached safely, and they don't blunder in and escalate the risk. Google your local DV service and suggest the school link up with them to support mum and daughter.

@TuesdayinSeptember I am impressed with your faith in the efficacy of SS. When my family was reported the competence experienced did not inspire any confidence whatsoever. Surrey 2016. From my personal experience I do not believe social services in my area would be more capable than any support I could offer personally. I think this is evidenced by the experiences of:

Colwell
Climbie
Pelka

All of whom should have been protected but the excuse culture overwhelmed practical action. The tip of the iceberg.

The sw who phoned me up wasn't even capable of describing what the support he asked if we needed was. It was breath taking. However, ss are the formal channel and we must unreservedly trust them to do the right thing, as they did for the aforementioned.

If your DD's friend is willing for your DD to tell you, then invite her round and talk to her yourself about what she wants you to do - she clearly doesn't think her own mother will do anything, which is so sad - but your DD's friend is crying out for help - so talk to her direct.

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@TuesdayinSeptember I am impressed with your faith in the efficacy of SS. When my family was reported the competence experienced did not inspire any confidence whatsoever. Surrey 2016. From my personal experience I do not believe social services in my area would be more capable than any support I could offer personally. I think this is evidenced by the experiences of:

Colwell
Climbie
Pelka

All of whom should have been protected but the excuse culture overwhelmed practical action. The tip of the iceberg.

The sw who phoned me up wasn't even capable of describing what the support he asked if we needed was. It was breath taking. However, ss are the formal channel and we must unreservedly trust them to do the right thing, as they did for the aforementioned.[/quote]
I agree that those cases were horrific and a multi agency failure. That said, I stand by what was posted and am pleased the OP has made that call.

Good grief, you don't have to be 'trained' to ask a child if everything is okay, if they need any help with anything - what is the world coming too - we're still human, whatever your day job is.

@ljs1979

OK - I'm going to call my local authority safeguarding out of hours, found their number.

All I have to go on though is a name, school and year group. I don't know this girl's exact address - my DD knows the area she lives (a mile or so from our house - it's sort of 2 villages right near each other).

Will that be enough info for them to go on? It will have to be I suppose.

I’m so glad you are doing this. I was just reading all your comments and was about to post to say please call ss now. In the meanwhile if your DD says anything which makes you think the girl is in immediate danger eg the parents are arguing then please don’t hesitate to call 999.