WWYD if your DD told you this?

[ljs1979]

Name changed for this just in case the person concerned is on here.

My DD (15) has just told me that one of her friends who lives locally is having a hard time at home but doesn't know who to confide in. She said her friend (same age as my DD) is living with her Mum, step dad and little brother (aged 5), and that both her and mum are afraid of step dad. I asked why - she said he starts lots of arguments and there's always shouting in the house, and that at one point (a few months ago), stepdad held a knife to both her and Mum's throat (5 year old little boy was sleeping upstairs when this happened). She said Mum got her and her friend out of the house and they stayed with a relative for the night.

I asked had Mum phoned the police or tried to get any help? She said no, her friend told her mum is too scared to do this. Her friend made my DD "promise not to tell anyone because I don't want my step dad to go to prison". My DD asked her friend can I tell my Mum about it, as I know she'd want to help if she knew. Friend said yes you can tell your Mum but no one else (hence how I know).

This is a relatively new friend of my DD's - we moved house and she lives locally (they get on the same bus to school hence she's recently got to know her more). I asked my DD if school are aware of the situation, or if anyone at all is involved with the family to support them - she said not that she knows of, she gets the impression from her friend that Mum is too scared to involve anyone for help.

I'm posting for people's opinions as it just sits really, really uncomfortably with me, that a woman, her teenage daughter, and a little boy are at risk of harm from this man just a few miles from my house, but no one knows about it except me and DD. I desperately want to reach out to this poor woman and her kids, but would I be overstepping the mark? It's worth saying I've never met her and I don't even know where their house is (DD knows).

I've said to DD if your friend is ever worried or feels unsafe she's welcome at our house anytime - day or night - please let her know that, etc. My DD is going to pass that on.

Is there something else I should do? WWYD?

Sorry op my phone hadnt brought the whole thread i up so hadn't seen you'd reported to the police

This will now hinge on the mum being brave enough to say it happened. If not the DD is in for it big time.
A welfare check tonight worries me. No chance of her getting out of the house after they leave. If mum and Stepdad deny it then the police will leave. They won't take the DD out of the situation and then she is left with them.

Please stop scare mongering - you have no idea what will happen tonight, the OP has done the right thing and the police are trained to deal with these situations.

@Bopahula

This will now hinge on the mum being brave enough to say it happened. If not the DD is in for it big time. A welfare check tonight worries me. No chance of her getting out of the house after they leave. If mum and Stepdad deny it then the police will leave. They won't take the DD out of the situation and then she is left with them.

This is exactly what my DD's worry was when she was crying about me telling the police. She said they'll leave and then she might get beaten up for telling someone. I said they won't leave if they suspect a dangerous situation... but obviously I don't know how they will be able to necessarily tell what the immediate risk is. I pointed to my DD that not doing anything at all, also carries risk.

How about you get your dd to invite her over then you can have a chat with her and find out more details, also you will then be able to ask her if you can report it don't go behind her back gain her trust my friends mam saved me from my abusive family you cant push her until she is ready and reporting it can cause worse affects on them until she is willing to talk I refused to tell the school or social services anything until friends mam helped me

Thank you to everyone who helped me with this. It's much appreciated.

DD has been texting her friend some more tonight and has found out that they "split up" over recent days, he left, but he's now back in the house and she's refusing to speak to him. He's apparently "bribing" her with money to get him to speak to her.

It all just sounds so messed up.

You definitely have to say something to the girls school, or the police/social services. Morally, and legally.

I know it puts your daughter in a difficult position but hopefully she and her friend will understand (one day, maybe not immediately) that as the responsible adult you HAD to share this information. I would offer to speak to the girl and explain your reasoning if that would help her feel less angry with your daughter, reitering that your daughter didn’t want you to pass on the information and feels terrible about breaking her friend’s trust but you decided that doing so was the lesser of two evils. And , as the adult, you decide what is in the child’s best interests.

Yes you should report to school. When I was 15 a friend confided about a home situation and to us and we told the teacher. It was absolutely the right thing to do.

@ljs1979 bribed the mom or your DD's friend?
Have the police visited yet?

This is a very difficult situation.

I always wonder when people comment on police being the trained professionals and trained to deal with these situations, have never actually dealt with the police, or domestic abuse.

As I said difficult situation. Hope it all works out for them OP x

[quote VenusTiger]@ljs1979 bribed the mom or your DD's friend?
Have the police visited yet?[/quote]

He is "bribing" the friend (her words to my DD) with cash to get her to speak to him as she's trying to keep out of his way. Very odd.

DD reckons categorically she would refuse to do this.

Then you have to gain her trust. Your daughter thinks she will refuse but remember, the girl hasn’t had another adult to talk about it with. I’ve been in this situation and just reporting it to the school may well cause problems.

I invited the friend over, we talked it all through and reported it together.

I have no idea if the police have visited yet - I don't think I'd get updated on that as an anonymous reporter. My Dd will no doubt tell me if she gets a text from friend saying police are here.

@Whooptydooperbounce WTAF!!
Concerned for 2 children, who are currently in a house with a man who left, and is now back bribing one of them to talk! yes I want an update - what is your problem?!

OP has answered anyway.

@BearEastie

*This will now hinge on the mum being brave enough to say it happened. If not the DD is in for it big time. A welfare check tonight worries me. No chance of her getting out of the house after they leave. If mum and Stepdad deny it then the police will leave. They won't take the DD out of the situation and then she is left with them.*

Please stop scare mongering - you have no idea what will happen tonight, the OP has done the right thing and the police are trained to deal with these situations.

I'm not scaremongering. If mum denies it then the police will have to leave. They will send a referral to social workers who will likely contact the DD, but that won't happen until next week. There is a lot of weekend left yet.

The police are brilliant. I've just supported a close friend through very very similar. But it was her as the mum making the decision to support her daughter which resulted in him being removed from the house. Not the disclosure from her DD at school.
Mum is the key in this. Whether people like that or not.

@MintyMabel

DD reckons categorically she would refuse to do this.

Then you have to gain her trust. Your daughter thinks she will refuse but remember, the girl hasn’t had another adult to talk about it with. I’ve been in this situation and just reporting it to the school may well cause problems.

I invited the friend over, we talked it all through and reported it together.

See I was told earlier I was getting too involved myself by trying to get the friend to open up to me personally. So I reported it on the majority advice given on here. I will of course continue to keep an open door policy at our house for the girl - Dd has told her she's welcome here anytime and that I'll go and collect her myself if needs be.

@ljs1979 I was thinking DD's friend might think her mother has called them and vice versa, because of the bribing and no speaking - hope the police remove him - the bribing certainly is very odd behaviour, add that to a police visit, I really hope your DD's friend opens up to them.

I honestly don't think I'll sleep tonight, I'm now really worried he's going to flip and hurt them when the police leave.

@ljs1979 You've absolutely done the right thing, and the only useful thing you could possibly have done in the circumstances, OP.

Involving the mum is not wise. "There is a common misconception that a woman who has been abused has some understanding of what has happened to her. This is simply not true. When a woman is being subjected to abuse she feels that she is in the middle of a very confusing mess and that it must be somehow her fault." (From 'Freedom Programme' book for women in abusive relationships). Those women who leave abusive relationships, do so after the 8th attempt, usually with a lot of support from others, never alone. This situation will just NOT resolve itself, and if you were to keep the secret it would only get worse, 100%. That's a definite. Abusive situations do not get better. They get worse, and worse, and worse, until someone gets so hurt that authorities are involved. There is no other path. If you keep a secret you validate and enable the bully's strategy. It's only by standing up to him (again, NOT alone!) that you can succeed.

I'm saying this not as some judgemental smarty pants but from personal experience. (Thankfully no knives in my case but very damaging nonetheless).

Your DD already realised you've done the right thing which is not surprising, well done her, but if you discuss it again with your DD, one way to describe it is this: safety trumps privacy/confidentiality. If a friend hypothetically told her that she's about to jump off a bridge and end her life, but that's you know, a secret, would she keep this secret? Your situation is similar - if your DD and you keep a secret someone will get badly hurt. Sometimes, when we want to help, we need to do what is right, not what is asked of us.

All the best. xxx

Are the police actually going? I'd be very surprised if they do and don't just refer over to CS.