WWYD if your DD told you this?

[ljs1979]

Name changed for this just in case the person concerned is on here.

My DD (15) has just told me that one of her friends who lives locally is having a hard time at home but doesn't know who to confide in. She said her friend (same age as my DD) is living with her Mum, step dad and little brother (aged 5), and that both her and mum are afraid of step dad. I asked why - she said he starts lots of arguments and there's always shouting in the house, and that at one point (a few months ago), stepdad held a knife to both her and Mum's throat (5 year old little boy was sleeping upstairs when this happened). She said Mum got her and her friend out of the house and they stayed with a relative for the night.

I asked had Mum phoned the police or tried to get any help? She said no, her friend told her mum is too scared to do this. Her friend made my DD "promise not to tell anyone because I don't want my step dad to go to prison". My DD asked her friend can I tell my Mum about it, as I know she'd want to help if she knew. Friend said yes you can tell your Mum but no one else (hence how I know).

This is a relatively new friend of my DD's - we moved house and she lives locally (they get on the same bus to school hence she's recently got to know her more). I asked my DD if school are aware of the situation, or if anyone at all is involved with the family to support them - she said not that she knows of, she gets the impression from her friend that Mum is too scared to involve anyone for help.

I'm posting for people's opinions as it just sits really, really uncomfortably with me, that a woman, her teenage daughter, and a little boy are at risk of harm from this man just a few miles from my house, but no one knows about it except me and DD. I desperately want to reach out to this poor woman and her kids, but would I be overstepping the mark? It's worth saying I've never met her and I don't even know where their house is (DD knows).

I've said to DD if your friend is ever worried or feels unsafe she's welcome at our house anytime - day or night - please let her know that, etc. My DD is going to pass that on.

Is there something else I should do? WWYD?

Please contact the DSL at your DDs school as a matter of urgency.

Could you talk to the daughter and see if there is anyone at school she could talk to about this? A counsellor or teacher she likes? Perhaps you could go with her if that would help her - she really needs an ally as no one is putting her first at home. You can't keep quiet if she won't though, imagine if she was killed, this is too big to just hope it'll be ok.

@Snowymcsnowsony

My dd witnessed (heard from behind a door) her bff being assaulted by a parent. I reported to school as I didn't know enough details for ss. They were visited. Sadly the girl avoided dd after that.. No regrets though. They are under the ss radar now.

I've just told my DD I'm going to have to report to school - she understands but is devastated this will ruin her friendship as the girl has only told her (and by proxy, me), and therefore she'll know where it's come from. But losing a friend is sadly a price my DD might have to pay to potentially save lives! What a shitty situation.

DD has also just told me that her friend only agreed to me knowing because my DD assured her I wouldn't tell anyone. 🙈

@Tal45

Could you talk to the daughter and see if there is anyone at school she could talk to about this? A counsellor or teacher she likes? Perhaps you could go with her if that would help her - she really needs an ally as no one is putting her first at home. You can't keep quiet if she won't though, imagine if she was killed, this is too big to just hope it'll be ok.

I've just put this to DD - would she go with me to the school to get help. DD reckons categorically she would refuse to do this.

This is a difficult one. I'm not sure that school is the right place to report tbh. I would start with the NSPCC and ask their advice. If you report to school try and do it anonymously to keep your DDs name out of it.

Unfortunately this is a fairly standard case of domestic abuse. You are not qualified to deal with this and I would strongly recommend speaking confidentially to the the school and social services. Leave it in their hands. However I would say, if you are ok and confident, then I would allow said friend a place to stay over as often as you are comfortable with. Don't get involved just say your daughter would like said friend to stay over

I think the friend is terrified. She wants people to know (you and DD) but is understandably very afraid and her step dad could kill her. Of course she wouldn't want you to tell anyone, she's trapped in a house with him and scared, but at the same time deep down she wants people to know so that this can end. She tells your DD it must be kept secret but that is only because she is so frightened. Reassure your DD that she did the right thing and that you are doing the right thing in reporting it.

If you are going to contact school why wait. He could assault them before you make the call. If this was my dds school I'd be emailing or ringing someone now as all messages are read and calls are answered.

You will not make it worse, and you may be unaware that there's already an investigation - you should tell school or social services.

No children should ever be witness to this behaviour.

Also, if you want to try and cover your tracks a bit tell the primary school and not the secondary school.

DD has also just told me that her friend only agreed to me knowing because my DD assured her I wouldn't tell anyone

You need to explain to your DD that there are situations where you have to tell someone - she cannot go through life believing things like this can be kept a secret.

@SunshineCake

If you are going to contact school why wait. He could assault them before you make the call. If this was my dds school I'd be emailing or ringing someone now as all messages are read and calls are answered.

I'd do it straight away but there'll be no one there at the weekend. I could maybe call NSPCC straight away though for their advice?

@MiddlesexGirl

I would contact NSPCC for advice.

I would report this to a statutory agency such as the Police and children’s social care, not a charity that cares more about rehabilitation of sex offenders.

OP this is not a secret that can or should be kept. If this is what has been disclosed, there is a good chance that there is much worse going on in that house. Given the fact that lockdown has made children even more vulnerable, I wouldn’t hesitate to report as soon as possible.

He could assault them before you make the call.

Honestly, I know, I feel sick at the thought of what could be going on in that house. And the knife incident was months ago apparently - so anything could have happened since then. DD said she thinks there's more her friend isn't saying.

I think you need to phone NSPCC as they will be able to deal with the situation. If you report to school they will not approach the child they will just report on to social services. The family needs help and like you say, the friendship surviving is not the priority here. Poor girl, how lovely you must be for her to trust you.

@BearEastie

DD has also just told me that her friend only agreed to me knowing because my DD assured her I wouldn't tell anyone

You need to explain to your DD that there are situations where you have to tell someone - she cannot go through life believing things like this can be kept a secret.

I know. I've told her why I have to report it. She understands. I think her saying to her friend "my mum won't tell anyone, I promise" was more just her way of getting her friend's permission to tell me because she knew it was a really bad situation.

Very difficult to know that you are breaking a confidence but you have to do it.

My 8yo nephew reported a "secret" to his granny (my DM) & she told him she'd have to tell his dad if she felt he ought to know., before he told her.

It was to do with SIL being drunk every afternoon when he got home from school.

Things improved at home once it was in the open.

I had a vaguely similar situation where my DS confided something in me one of his classmates had confided related to a sexual relationship with another pupil that had gone wrong and the girl was feeling suicidal.

I contacted the school and they were brilliant, handled the whole issue in a way that didn't expose me or my son.

Incidentally, if you do contact school, you don't have to disclose the name of the child or any specifics (I didn't). They were able to work out who it was because of existing concerns about her presentation and demeanour - I just gave the year group.

I would report this to a statutory agency such as the Police and children’s social care, not a charity that cares more about rehabilitation of sex offenders

Good point

Also, if you want to try and cover your tracks a bit tell the primary school and not the secondary school.

I wouldn't know the little boy's primary school unfortunately. It's a choice of at least 3.

OP the local authority will have a number you can contact, if you google your local authority name and safe guarding children then you will find the weekend and out of hours number. Each local authority in the UK has to have one.

I was told once by a school that safeguarding cannot act unless the child tells the school themselves. The DDs friend needs to tell the school. The mother appears to be unable to stand up to this man. The D worries stepdad will go to prison, hence, maybe worries she will fall out with her mum over it. Was the D trying to protect her mother in the knife incident. Domestic abuse is rife and unless the mother or daughter make a complaint, the stepdad can continue. In these circumstances, they need to ring 101 and speak to a police officer who will give them a crime number. The police will record all incidents, and tell ss, because even though the 5 year old appears untouched. It is not a safe environment for any of them. Important to log all incidents with 101, as these usually build up to a tragedy in the end. Mother and d must not wait until then.

DD has also just told me that her friend only agreed to me knowing because my DD assured her I wouldn't tell anyone.

I think this is a good lesson to your dd that it isn't always advisable to make promises of that nature. Ask her how she would feel if something awful happened to her friend and you had done nothing to protect her. It's a very fine line to tread, as you want your dd to feel that she can confide in you about stuff, but you also need to think about safeguarding the child who is at risk.

I had a very similar situation with dd and one of her friends, and faced a similar dilemma, so I initially sought advice from the NSPCC without sharing any details about the child in question. I explained to dd that we were going to get advice from the NSPCC as professionals, and if they advised us to take the matter further, then we would have no choice but to do so. She told her friend that we couldn't just ignore the concerns, and explained that we might have to take it further if advised to do so. Friend was worried but understood. Luckily for dd, although friend had said please don't tell anyone, dd had not made that promise as we had discussed previously that keeping secrets isn't always possible when someone is potentially at risk.

This maybe one of the hardest things you ever have to do, but you have no choice
Ring the NSPCC, they can probably reassure you better than we can

I agree that ringing the NSPCC for advice is the right thing to do. They will understand your dilemma - sadly they will have heard it all before. They will be able to advise you on the best course of action.

The sharing of information in these situations is critical. Each person who shares what they know brings something new that, when taken in aggregate, helps the professionals to get a full picture of the situation and the dangers, and inform how best to proceed.

I know how awkward this is for you and your child - but this is not information you can keep to yourself.