WWYD if your DD told you this?

[ljs1979]

Name changed for this just in case the person concerned is on here.

My DD (15) has just told me that one of her friends who lives locally is having a hard time at home but doesn't know who to confide in. She said her friend (same age as my DD) is living with her Mum, step dad and little brother (aged 5), and that both her and mum are afraid of step dad. I asked why - she said he starts lots of arguments and there's always shouting in the house, and that at one point (a few months ago), stepdad held a knife to both her and Mum's throat (5 year old little boy was sleeping upstairs when this happened). She said Mum got her and her friend out of the house and they stayed with a relative for the night.

I asked had Mum phoned the police or tried to get any help? She said no, her friend told her mum is too scared to do this. Her friend made my DD "promise not to tell anyone because I don't want my step dad to go to prison". My DD asked her friend can I tell my Mum about it, as I know she'd want to help if she knew. Friend said yes you can tell your Mum but no one else (hence how I know).

This is a relatively new friend of my DD's - we moved house and she lives locally (they get on the same bus to school hence she's recently got to know her more). I asked my DD if school are aware of the situation, or if anyone at all is involved with the family to support them - she said not that she knows of, she gets the impression from her friend that Mum is too scared to involve anyone for help.

I'm posting for people's opinions as it just sits really, really uncomfortably with me, that a woman, her teenage daughter, and a little boy are at risk of harm from this man just a few miles from my house, but no one knows about it except me and DD. I desperately want to reach out to this poor woman and her kids, but would I be overstepping the mark? It's worth saying I've never met her and I don't even know where their house is (DD knows).

I've said to DD if your friend is ever worried or feels unsafe she's welcome at our house anytime - day or night - please let her know that, etc. My DD is going to pass that on.

Is there something else I should do? WWYD?

I would see if you could get DD to persuade her friend to come round for a cup of tea after their walk. I would want to talk to her.

Of course it needs reporting. But I’d worry that a third-hand report is difficult without hearing it yourself. If she would agree to talk to you it would be better as you can go through what will happen next.

@Nellythemouse

I wouldn’t bother involving nspcc - it’s very very obvious it needs referring to social services and your local council will have an out of hours duty number. You don’t have to give your name. If you really can’t do that I’d phone school first thing Monday morning and ask to speak to the designated safeguarding lead immediately. They’ll have a procedure.

Absolutely. I wish people would stop advising to report to nspcc. They could sit on it until Monday at the earliest. It needs auctioning straight away. They are a charity not a statutory agency. It needs reporting to the Police and children’s social care, not a charity and not the school (who in my experience also like to sit on things for hours on end before they do the 4pm phone call to the necessary agency).

This needs reporting via school stressing that your or your daughters name neds to be kept out of it given the potential risk of retaliation. Your daughter has absolutely done the right thing but he is already dangerous re knife holding and this could extend to those perceived to be threatening him from outside the family. You can only report an confide in others so they can give Mum and daughter an opportunity to confide in an official. Unfortunately some women chose to staydespite the risks to their children

@NoSquirrels

I would see if you could get DD to persuade her friend to come round for a cup of tea after their walk. I would want to talk to her.

Of course it needs reporting. But I’d worry that a third-hand report is difficult without hearing it yourself. If she would agree to talk to you it would be better as you can go through what will happen next.

This is actually a really good idea. I know it's technically against lockdown rules to be in someone's house isn't it... but in this situation I don't care about that.

I think you have to let the school know - tell them it's in confidence - the girl will never know (or never need to admit she knows) that it was you - the school could have easily noticed a change in her.

There is the risk the mother will deny everything and it will get worse. But this way you should be able to keep the door open to your daughters friend should nothing change.

You must report this as something that serious cannot be ignored, if he has held a knife to their throats they are at a high risk of serious injury or death if left with this man.

You don't need to wait for school on Monday to report this you can call NSPCC and remain anon and they will pass this over to the local children's services team or you could call them yourself as they will have an out of hours service.

Where i work as a social worker we regularly get referrals from NSPCC so they dont just do charitable work they have qualified social workers there to assess risk.

If mum doesnt take action and get away from this man then she is putting her children at risk and social workers will act to safeguard them however they will support mum as much as possible first to safeguard herself and the children.

She will need support as she is most likely terrified and doesnt know where to turn and children's services can help with this.

I had a look on the women's aid website. Not anything exactly like you describe, but this is maybe close:

'I’ve heard fighting going on at my next-door neighbour’s house. What can I do to stop it happening?

This can be a difficult problem as, being a neighbour, you don’t necessarily know her very well and you don’t know exactly what’s happening.

However, if you hear an incident and think that your neighbour is in danger, and any children she may have are also, then we would suggest contacting the police.

The police have a responsibility to respond and to undertake a risk assessment where there is domestic abuse taking place.

If there are children in the house and you are concerned for their safety you could consider contacting social services. They would be able to work with the woman to help her protect her children from harm.

If possible, you could mention to your neighbour that you’ve overheard some fighting and that you’re worried about her. You can then encourage her to seek some help. There will be options available to help her put a stop to what’s going on.'

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/#1573031900672-43a9ad24-abbc

[quote ArabellaScott]I had a look on the women's aid website. Not anything exactly like you describe, but this is maybe close:

'I’ve heard fighting going on at my next-door neighbour’s house. What can I do to stop it happening?

This can be a difficult problem as, being a neighbour, you don’t necessarily know her very well and you don’t know exactly what’s happening.

However, if you hear an incident and think that your neighbour is in danger, and any children she may have are also, then we would suggest contacting the police.

The police have a responsibility to respond and to undertake a risk assessment where there is domestic abuse taking place.

If there are children in the house and you are concerned for their safety you could consider contacting social services. They would be able to work with the woman to help her protect her children from harm.

If possible, you could mention to your neighbour that you’ve overheard some fighting and that you’re worried about her. You can then encourage her to seek some help. There will be options available to help her put a stop to what’s going on.'

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/#1573031900672-43a9ad24-abbc[/quote]

Thank you for that link - I'll have a read through.
In some ways I wish they were immediate neighbours as then I could remove my DD from the firing line by saying I'd overheard it myself. But they're a good mile or so away from where we live so can't even say that.

Don’t worry about lockdown rules. Really.

My concern for you and your DD would be that as you have never met this girl, and your DD secured the confession under a promise that no one would find out, then you really don’t know what the situation truly is. I’m sorry even to think it, because we should always believe and report, but it’s not completely unknown that a story like this could be a cry for help but not completely truthful.
I’d want to talk with her to understand and then help. Would her aunt take her in? Would she agree to stay with you? Does her mum agree there is a problem and wants to leave or is she in denial? Etc.

Personally I'd worry that the dad would take it out on your DD's friend (my mother had extreme rages and she would take it out on me) and / or that your DD could end up bullied or ostracised, especially if they have to get the same bus.

It's hard to know whether reporting would put the friend at more risk or less but I think from the apparent reluctance of her mum to leave, (especially given Covid when everything is harder) I would worry about the former. I would try and seek the advice of someone who specialises in DV before saying anything

You obviously have to report this, but I’d seek advice from a charity like Women’s Aid and/or NSPCC first.

My concern would be that you report it, the police/ social services go round and mum and daughter both deny it.

It potentially puts them in a more dangerous situation.

I agree with PP who suggested you get friend to come to yours. It’ll be easier ( not least for your daughter) if you manage to persuade her to speak to social services with you.

If she still insists on keeping it secret, you can take responsibility for telling social services and tell her that even though your daughter asked you keep it quiet, no adult can ignore this.

@Whooptydooperbounce

Is the DD's real Dad still in her life at all? Be handy if he was and also happened to be 6'4 and built like a tank....

Yes - I said the same!
Apparently he is involved, but DD's friend said he knows nothing of what's happening.

I think you need to speak to the mother privately and tell her what your dd has told you and that you are going to report the matter as a safeguarding concern. You should also be clear that you are prepared to provide shelter in the short term should it be true.

I think you need to grasp the nettle and involve the other mother face to face. If it's not true the girl clearly needs help in some shape or form; if it true be there to help.

@NoSquirrels

Don’t worry about lockdown rules. Really.

My concern for you and your DD would be that as you have never met this girl, and your DD secured the confession under a promise that no one would find out, then you really don’t know what the situation truly is. I’m sorry even to think it, because we should always believe and report, but it’s not completely unknown that a story like this could be a cry for help but not completely truthful.
I’d want to talk with her to understand and then help. Would her aunt take her in? Would she agree to stay with you? Does her mum agree there is a problem and wants to leave or is she in denial? Etc.

Yes I think this will be my starting point tomorrow - invite her for a cup for tea after their walk and then maybe try to broach it. No idea the best way to go about it though. Maybe start with "DD told me what happened just before Christmas... I wanted to check if you're ok"? Something like that?

As a previous Secondary HOY, please report this immediately, as in, now. You can phone the police this evening, and they will take you seriously. Report everything you know, and the girls age.

Do not wait. Do not read up about other options, charities etc, or try to find the Aunt or any of these other suggestions. A safeguarding issue like this needs reporting immediately without delay. In a school if it came to my attention I would need to immediately drop whatever I was doing and go straight to the Head and we would make a call to the police together. As it's now Friday evening you need to call the police straight away.

Try not to get involved in whether you counsel the girl etc, or in predicting the fallout. It's not your responsibility to judge how services will act or how the stepfather will react. You can be there if she needs you in the medium term future. In the immediate term your responsibility is simply to report. Please do so.

@glugg

Personally I'd worry that the dad would take it out on your DD's friend (my mother had extreme rages and she would take it out on me) and / or that your DD could end up bullied or ostracised, especially if they have to get the same bus.

It's hard to know whether reporting would put the friend at more risk or less but I think from the apparent reluctance of her mum to leave, (especially given Covid when everything is harder) I would worry about the former. I would try and seek the advice of someone who specialises in DV before saying anything

Sorry not this is terrible advice, with all due respect to the pp as I know it's meant kindly. It's not the OP's responsibility to make such a judgement and nor is it appropriate to do so, since she is not in possession of all the facts. She has no idea what's actually going on. The professionals are there to ascertain the exact situation and take it from there.

What ILoveJVT said - I'm a DSL in a school.

You now have an obligation to report this information you have been told. Then it will be taken out of your hands.

Call NSPC : 0808 800 5000
Childline : 0800 1111
Or google your local safe guarding organisation.

You cannot afford to be the missing piece of a bigger picture.

Ring now.

Contact social services and the school.

Please do not raise it with the mother - it may be incredibly dangerous to do this.

Let the professionals deal with it.