WWYD if your DD told you this?

[ljs1979]

Name changed for this just in case the person concerned is on here.

My DD (15) has just told me that one of her friends who lives locally is having a hard time at home but doesn't know who to confide in. She said her friend (same age as my DD) is living with her Mum, step dad and little brother (aged 5), and that both her and mum are afraid of step dad. I asked why - she said he starts lots of arguments and there's always shouting in the house, and that at one point (a few months ago), stepdad held a knife to both her and Mum's throat (5 year old little boy was sleeping upstairs when this happened). She said Mum got her and her friend out of the house and they stayed with a relative for the night.

I asked had Mum phoned the police or tried to get any help? She said no, her friend told her mum is too scared to do this. Her friend made my DD "promise not to tell anyone because I don't want my step dad to go to prison". My DD asked her friend can I tell my Mum about it, as I know she'd want to help if she knew. Friend said yes you can tell your Mum but no one else (hence how I know).

This is a relatively new friend of my DD's - we moved house and she lives locally (they get on the same bus to school hence she's recently got to know her more). I asked my DD if school are aware of the situation, or if anyone at all is involved with the family to support them - she said not that she knows of, she gets the impression from her friend that Mum is too scared to involve anyone for help.

I'm posting for people's opinions as it just sits really, really uncomfortably with me, that a woman, her teenage daughter, and a little boy are at risk of harm from this man just a few miles from my house, but no one knows about it except me and DD. I desperately want to reach out to this poor woman and her kids, but would I be overstepping the mark? It's worth saying I've never met her and I don't even know where their house is (DD knows).

I've said to DD if your friend is ever worried or feels unsafe she's welcome at our house anytime - day or night - please let her know that, etc. My DD is going to pass that on.

Is there something else I should do? WWYD?

Phone the nspcc. You need to report your concerns to children's services. You can do it via their helpline

Hmm, that's interesting that the dd hasn't been able to confide in him. Bad blood between him and Mum perhaps? Still, he might not take kindly to his 15 yo dd being threatened with a knife by another man.

Just asked DD what else she knows about Dad - apparently he has "his own issues going on" (child with a drug using woman who he's being denied access to), and a child with another woman (who he lives with). DD's friend stays with him EOW and is fine at his house - feels safe there etc, but is aware that "Dad has his own issues going on". Maybe she doesn't want to burden him with what's happening? Maybe she fears Dad will kill stepdad??

Yes agree. SS out of hours and/or police and once weekend is over school but definitely don't rely just on school.

Please don't wait until Monday
Please see attached photo

Sorry
Now attached

OP a very similar thing happened in our house. My DD has a friend who has a violent Dad. She had been telling my DD about what had been going on and I said to make it clear that our house was ways a safe space for her. A while ago we got a call in the night that he had hit her and immediately went and picked her up and kept her here for a few days (I know it was lockdown but she wasn't safe). The dad threatened at first to call 999 if she was t brought back but realised he was best giving her space. She went home again but I called school to make sure they knew about the situation and in case the school had any concerns that this added to. The school checked in on the family and I know my mentioning it to them was never raised with the family. You have a safeguarding responsibility to the child and you don't know what has gone on before that your information can help build a bigger picture of

Don’t contact either mother or daughter. Contact the duty SW team or the police. School are an equally valid option but may not be able to action it until Monday. Regardless of who else you speak to also speak to school on Monday.

It is not your job to gain any more facts, you report what you know to the experts who are the people who deal with this all the time. You don’t delay while you find out more. At best it’s a lie for attention at worst it’s a violent partner and the next assault, which could be tonight is worse.

Everybody with any safeguarding responsibility, will tell you to do the same.

@andannabegins WHAT?

So there was no social services referral, just school, for a child who had been hit in an environment with ongoing abuse?

FML.

It's admirable what you did but this is exactly why police or safeguarding need to be involved.

If it was during the school day, the relevant people in school will literally drop everything to focus on a safeguarding concern. Lots of local authorities have a LADO Local Authority Designated Officer (LADO)
Please do not leave it, do not get involved
Even in school it is not shared with school
Staff only those staff who need to be directly involved

Can you not find out from your DD or her friend what the primary school of the little boy is? It would be fairly easy to do as part of small talk sort of conversation about lockdown or home schooling or whatever. Then that would give you an extra option of places to report, and then the friend might not have to know that the report came via you.

@ILoveJVT

As a previous Secondary HOY, please report this immediately, as in, now. You can phone the police this evening, and they will take you seriously. Report everything you know, and the girls age.

Do not wait. Do not read up about other options, charities etc, or try to find the Aunt or any of these other suggestions. A safeguarding issue like this needs reporting immediately without delay. In a school if it came to my attention I would need to immediately drop whatever I was doing and go straight to the Head and we would make a call to the police together. As it's now Friday evening you need to call the police straight away.

Try not to get involved in whether you counsel the girl etc, or in predicting the fallout. It's not your responsibility to judge how services will act or how the stepfather will react. You can be there if she needs you in the medium term future. In the immediate term your responsibility is simply to report. Please do so.

Exactly this.

This is for safeguarding professionals to deal with, not little chats with people.

This family could be in danger and experienced professionals who potentially already have some knowledge about the family are the ones to deal with it.

Your local authority will have an out of hours number you can call.

Sometimes safety trumps confidentiality.

It’s a disclosure not hearsay and the people who get to judge whether it’s true are well aware of the complications of their role.

@TSBelliot

It’s a disclosure not hearsay and the people who get to judge whether it’s true are well aware of the complications of their role.

@TSBelliot hear hear

but I too would be mulling it over without ploughing in guns blazing with nothing but hearsay from a 15 year old to go on.

They (and it should not be the OP) will not go in guns blazing though unless there is an immediate threat to life - and that bar is set very high - sadly.

And calling it "hearsay" actually makes my stomach churn a bit - I hope you are referring to the OPs daughter saying it rather than the alleged victim.

@BearEastie I spoke to the school and their safeguarding team. They said they would deal with it from that point. I don't know if there was a SS referral, they wouldn't be able to tell me that as it is private. The girl knows we are a safe place and if she ever needs to be here she can be and we will go get her

OP - You just need to phone one of the numbers, and explain what your DD has been told. You will not get into trouble for wasting time if it ends up being false. You will be treated with respect and understanding.

@andannabegins thanks for clarifying - hopefully the school did to the right thing and refer to social services.

It's really lovely the girl has a safe place at yours.

Safeguarding is everyone’s business.

I would report to LADO, school, police or NSPCC

OP there is mixed advice here which is confusing for you, and actually a really interesting reflection on how many people are confused about what to do about abuse and criminal activity, if it weren’t such an immediate worry.

Like others who work in the field I would urge you to contact out of hours social work or police now, with the information you have, and let them make an assessment. If you wait til Monday and ring the school, they will call Sw or police who will want to speak to you. NSPCC helpline will refer it to social work. They are the agencies who deal with child abuse and domestic abuse. Yes there are risks associated with intervening, but the professionals will assess that and there are clearly risks with not intervening. The other issue to bear in mind is that you don’t know the truth of any of this, but you know for a fact that concerning info has been shared with your DD so you need to act. I know it’s scary but we all have this responsibility to act on concerns like this.