WWYD if your DD told you this?

[ljs1979]

Name changed for this just in case the person concerned is on here.

My DD (15) has just told me that one of her friends who lives locally is having a hard time at home but doesn't know who to confide in. She said her friend (same age as my DD) is living with her Mum, step dad and little brother (aged 5), and that both her and mum are afraid of step dad. I asked why - she said he starts lots of arguments and there's always shouting in the house, and that at one point (a few months ago), stepdad held a knife to both her and Mum's throat (5 year old little boy was sleeping upstairs when this happened). She said Mum got her and her friend out of the house and they stayed with a relative for the night.

I asked had Mum phoned the police or tried to get any help? She said no, her friend told her mum is too scared to do this. Her friend made my DD "promise not to tell anyone because I don't want my step dad to go to prison". My DD asked her friend can I tell my Mum about it, as I know she'd want to help if she knew. Friend said yes you can tell your Mum but no one else (hence how I know).

This is a relatively new friend of my DD's - we moved house and she lives locally (they get on the same bus to school hence she's recently got to know her more). I asked my DD if school are aware of the situation, or if anyone at all is involved with the family to support them - she said not that she knows of, she gets the impression from her friend that Mum is too scared to involve anyone for help.

I'm posting for people's opinions as it just sits really, really uncomfortably with me, that a woman, her teenage daughter, and a little boy are at risk of harm from this man just a few miles from my house, but no one knows about it except me and DD. I desperately want to reach out to this poor woman and her kids, but would I be overstepping the mark? It's worth saying I've never met her and I don't even know where their house is (DD knows).

I've said to DD if your friend is ever worried or feels unsafe she's welcome at our house anytime - day or night - please let her know that, etc. My DD is going to pass that on.

Is there something else I should do? WWYD?

Hi OP,
I agree that you need to report this.
Personally I would phone or go to the school Monday morning and report to the headteacher/deputy or safeguarding lead.

I think it is important report it first thing in the morning if you can so the school has the full day to involve social services/police and to speak to the girl if that is what they do.

@Fastestbrownie

I think you need to prepare your daughter for the fact that in all likelihood the girl is going to retaliate. If you're new, and the other girl is more popular, well, your dd is in for a difficult time.

We're new to the area, but not the school. They've both been at the same school since Year 7. My DD didn't change schools when we moved, she just gets on a different bus there now, hence getting to know this girl.

@lydia2021

I was told once by a school that safeguarding cannot act unless the child tells the school themselves. The DDs friend needs to tell the school. The mother appears to be unable to stand up to this man. The D worries stepdad will go to prison, hence, maybe worries she will fall out with her mum over it. Was the D trying to protect her mother in the knife incident. Domestic abuse is rife and unless the mother or daughter make a complaint, the stepdad can continue. In these circumstances, they need to ring 101 and speak to a police officer who will give them a crime number. The police will record all incidents, and tell ss, because even though the 5 year old appears untouched. It is not a safe environment for any of them. Important to log all incidents with 101, as these usually build up to a tragedy in the end. Mother and d must not wait until then.

This is definitely not the case in our local authority, not at all.

@Highlights12

What about the relative they stayed with previously, they must know something isn't right within the family

I've actually just dug a little more about this - DD says it was Aunty they stayed with (mum's sister), and she's pretty sure Aunty knows the situation. I said to DD so that's just me, you, and Aunty who know what's going on? She said yes I think so.

There is also the chance the other girl may be grateful.

Asking someone not to tell can be a protective measure - ie. she can than turn around and say "well she told me she wouldn't tell" which may minimise the damage to her from her step father (and potentially mother).

Could you contact the aunt?

@AlexaShutUp

Thank you.
It's a minefield isn't it!

@Fastestbrownie

The girl is going to retaliate to the betrayal of trust regardless. She's not likely to thank your daughter for it. This is the literal definition of a no good deed goes unpunished situation, so prepare your daughter for it. I would be highly surprised if at the very least the other girl doesn't start bad mouthing her to everyone who will listen. At the very least.

I'd be gutted for her. She really likes this girl.

Ring the school on Monday and ask to speak urgently to the safeguarding lead.

Could you contact the aunt?

I don't have a clue who she is or how to contact her. I don't even know where the mum lives at this point. And if DD asked her friend for her Aunt's contact details, I doubt she'd give them. I think it's just even more alarming though that her Aunt knows what's happening too. Maybe they are all powerless against this man? Something has to be done, it can't go on.

If you want AS to be involved you need to make referral directly. They will not take a referral from school when it i s so far from source.

@thefirstmrsrochester

I would contact your dd’s friends school to discuss safeguarding concerns.

Yes. I was that friend, growing up. Bio dad not stepdad, though but the rest is the same.

Does anyone think it sounds like Mum is complicit within the abuse? Or just a victim too? I can't work it out from what I've been told... and I don't have much experience with domestic abuse situations.

Although I used to worry if anyone did know that could make it worse? If your DD's friend's step dad is anything like my dad, he may deny it?

oh its hard.
I wouldn't contact police if school personally but I would invite the girl around for sleepovers and days out all the time.

if the school know then the dad will know that someone's spilled the beans and he will most likely take it out on them. And as much as people want to believe that social services help, all they actually do is ponce around asking you to score yourself in meetings out of ten. its degrading. they left my neighbour with parents spitting on her and hitting her because 'she caused this shit'

Same with my own parents.

social services and school fucking idiots come marching in, causing more stress for the parents and then they go home after their little meetings while the child has to deal with their embarrassed rage. its sickening.
please don't do this. if the mom isn't strong enough to get away then there is nothing to be done.

Also this girl has asked for help in confidence, she could go to the school or the police herself but she doesn't want to worsen her own life.
if you are going to go down the reporting route, please just encourage the girl to tell the school Herself when she is ready.

I told a teacher a home problem at school and they made me call my mom and dad and tell them 'how it was making me feel' I was crying and begging her not to call my parents. I wanted her to help me not tell them I'd ratted them out.

before I said anything she promised me she would only listen and she wasn't allowed to tell anyone and she wouldn't call my parents.

I spent the rest of the day scared shirtless and when I got in I got funked up.
but that teacher went home thinking she'd solved my problem.
I got so much shit. emotional and physical and it was brought up for years. every time anything happened 'and you told that bitch and made me look like a that on the phone' bang.

that stupid fucking teacher even had the fucking audacity to say 'now don't you feel better now you've told your parents how they are making you feel?' id not given the whole truth because I didn't want social services involved stupid bitch she was

you 'telling the authorities' will have real life implications for this poor girl and her poor family. And the 'authorities' don't fucking protect anyone they fuck things up worse

If someone asked would the girl and her mum deny it and make out that your daughter (and you) are simply troublemakers?

@grannyinapram

I'm so sorry about your awful experience.

This is a genuine worry of mine - that's what I meant when I said I don't want to make it all worse, and put them in the firing line for more abuse.

I wish Covid would just get lost and I'd have the girl come stay here as much as she wanted! I'm even tempted to break lockdown rules just to get her out of that house. But then mum might say no to her coming to stay? And it doesn't keep the little boy safe either. Urgh. So hard.

MixedUpFiles

I’ve been the kid in that house.

The right thing to do in theory is call social services. But there is a catch. When they investigate, there is a good chance mom will deny everything and the abuser will be infuriated by the entire incident and things will only get worse. This is why mothers have to be the ones to step up and protect their kids“

This. My father was a violent tyrant. Your DD’s friends mother needs help to get away. Do you know her?

@BigFatLiar

If someone asked would the girl and her mum deny it and make out that your daughter (and you) are simply troublemakers?

Who knows. I don't know the girl, haven't met her. DD has been friends with her since September last year - I'd have probably met her before now if it wasn't for covid / lockdown as she'd no doubt have been here for sleepovers etc. It's all just a huge unknown to me.

Your DD’s friends mother needs help to get away. Do you know her?

No, I haven't met her or DD's friend.

I was told once by a school that safeguarding cannot act unless the child tells the school themselves.

It can make it harder to act, but this is not the case and often safeguarding interventions are initiated by a combination of reports that together build up the picture.

Please report OP, either to safeguarding at the school or google your local county council’s safeguarding process and there’ll be a form or contact details there.

@MixedUpFiles

I’ve been the kid in that house.

The right thing to do in theory is call social services. But there is a catch. When they investigate, there is a good chance mom will deny everything and the abuser will be infuriated by the entire incident and things will only get worse. This is why mothers have to be the ones to step up and protect their kids.

Yes, this is a dangerous situation and I would be so very careful about how to approach it.

Call Women's Aid for advice, perhaps? Lots of knowledgeable women on MN might be able to advise, too. You have a woman and two children at risk, here. The police, social services, school and women's refuges might need to all be involved, but I don't know the best approach to be honest. It does probably depend on the mother's willingness/ability to recognise the situation and leave it.

Very difficult situation, OP. Good on you for helping out.

I would be able to contact school staff right now if need be but I accept not everyone could.