AIBU to think that lesbians deserve a dating app that caters exclusively to lesbians?

[Glinner]

Recently I opened an account with the app Her to bring attention to the many straight men invading lesbian dating apps by claiming a 'lesbian', 'queer' or 'trans' identity.

Given that lesbians are adult human females exclusively attracted to other adult human females, am I being unreasonable to believe that lesbians deserve spaces of their own, both online and in the real world?

No one has answered my question.
What is the definition of a lesbian?

I think an app specifically for GC lesbians would be really good. It might be seen as transphobic but surely no one who wanted to use the app would care. Why not ask GC feminist @glinner to use his name and fame to get funding for such an app. He's on here promoting himself regularly so surely he should do something in return.

Totally a legit use of AIBU, and use what mn intended it for.

I thought MN intended it for people to ask if things people thought were unreasonable?

@BarbaraofKent

So do the 'Glinner is a terrible Transphobe' brigade think that lesbians using the Her app should be allowed to state 'female only, no penises' in their bio (or however these things work?) Or would that be transphobic?

Would an app for lesbians that states 'biological females only' be transphobic?

They should be able to yes, and they should also accept that while it shouldn’t bring them hate at all, it might reduce the number of girls who is into them.

I am a lesbian who don’t date people with penises no matter how they identify. I DON’T post it in my profile though because there is absolutely no need. I swipe left on people who don’t match my criteria’s and that’s it. If I saw a fellow lesbians who wrote than on her profile, while I would understand her stance, I would automatically swipe left because in most dating app you are in control of who you match with and talk to, or talks to you, so her feeling that stating it in her profile on top of that was necessary, would make me assume, rightly or wrongly that she probably have a bigger issue with trans people than I would be comfortable with.

On Grindr you see people posting “no Asians/no black/no twinks/no bear.” Honestly while everyone is entitled to their preference, going as far as stating them in big letters on your profile when you could just avoid swiping right on “black/Asian/twinkle/bear” makes you feel like someone who have a much more deep-rooted issue with those people than someone who has a natural preference.

Whats a unicorn hunter linner ?

I don’t want to google, it doesn’t generally end well

@BarbaraofKent Put it this way, there’s nothing wrong with generally m not being attracted to a particular race, but putting ‘whites only’ on your profile is an arsehole move.

Hang on....

Are you comparing a lesbian clearly stating that she is not interested in penis, to someone stating 'whites only'?

That's a bit fucking homophobic isn't it?!

@RufustheSniggeringReindeer

Whats a unicorn hunter linner ?

I don’t want to google, it doesn’t generally end well

A couple usually where the woman is bi looking for a third.

I am a lesbian who don’t date people with penises no matter how they identify. I DON’T post it in my profile though because there is absolutely no need. I swipe left on people who don’t match my criteria’s and that’s it. If I saw a fellow lesbians who wrote than on her profile, while I would understand her stance, I would automatically swipe left because in most dating app you are in control of who you match with and talk to, or talks to you, so her feeling that stating it in her profile on top of that was necessary, would make me assume, rightly or wrongly that she probably have a bigger issue with trans people than I would be comfortable with.

Why? Because she has clearly stated her boundaries about her sexual orientation?

I think that's sad that you feel you can't assert your boundaries in that way for fear of being seen as transphobic.

Aaah thank you linning

Apologies for spelling your name so badly!

@RufustheSniggeringReindeer

Aaah thank you linning

Apologies for spelling your name so badly!

No apologies requested, Mumsnet is so archaic in its features and functions. Making it hard having to quote people etc...

Yeah

Plus apparently i cant read

@BarbaraofKent

I am a lesbian who don’t date people with penises no matter how they identify. I DON’T post it in my profile though because there is absolutely no need. I swipe left on people who don’t match my criteria’s and that’s it. If I saw a fellow lesbians who wrote than on her profile, while I would understand her stance, I would automatically swipe left because in most dating app you are in control of who you match with and talk to, or talks to you, so her feeling that stating it in her profile on top of that was necessary, would make me assume, rightly or wrongly that she probably have a bigger issue with trans people than I would be comfortable with.

Why? Because she has clearly stated her boundaries about her sexual orientation?

I think that's sad that you feel you can't assert your boundaries in that way for fear of being seen as transphobic.

I don’t fear being perceived as transphobic as I am not transphobic but the same way I am not into blondes and don’t feel the need to go as far as writing “no blonde please” on my profile when I can just swipe left on them if need be, I have never personally felt the need to write “no penis please” on my profile when I am already in control of if whether or not I match with people with penises.

Like I said, it’s fine if someone else feel the need to go the extra miles of stating it in big letters to their profile and I don’t think they deserve hate for it. But it’s not my cup of tea and therefore will swipe left.

I don’t fear being perceived as transphobic as I am not transphobic

Well according to what I have seen, automatically excluding someone from your dating pool 'purely based on genitals' makes you very transphobic.

But I see what you are saying about not being on the same wavelength as someone else.

@BarbaraofKent

I don’t fear being perceived as transphobic as I am not transphobic

Well according to what I have seen, automatically excluding someone from your dating pool 'purely based on genitals' makes you very transphobic.

But I see what you are saying about not being on the same wavelength as someone else.

Some people wrongly assume a lesbian who doesn’t want to date a trans woman is transphobic. I absolutely disagree with that.

I also wouldn’t date a lesbian who makes it clear she doesn’t date bisexual women and only date lesbians though, because usually it tells me they stereotype people and I have no interest in cattering to that despite being a lesbian myself and suiting the brief.

I should clear up that I don’t see lesbians who don’t date bi women as the same as lesbians who rightfully don’t want to date transwomen.

YANBU.

Linning how would you feel about a dating app for lesbians that explicitly stated it was for females only, and not 'anyone who identifies as a woman'? Would you feel it was transphobic? Would you use it?

@BarbaraofKent

Linning how would you feel about a dating app for lesbians that explicitly stated it was for females only, and not 'anyone who identifies as a woman'? Would you feel it was transphobic? Would you use it?

I think it’s fine. People can have whichever business model they want, and I think it’s fine to have an app for women who were born female and not people who identify as women.

Would I use it? Maybe. I would probably check it out but personally I like the places I partake in to be inclusive as long as I have full control over who I interact with. I am biracial so I am very aware of personally wanting places to be inclusive and places not having historically been very welcoming to people like me and I therefore thrive more in inclusive spaces.

Is this app inclusive though? A biological women puts on her Bio that she is only interested in biological women.
She gets informed this isn't inclusive and then gets banned from an app that states it's for lesbians.
To me this sounds like biological men's feelings are more important than a women's boundaries and preferences.
It's a bit like in the last week 3 women's refuges have not been given funding and now will close as they are not "inclusive" enough.

So to me inclusivity means women shut up, biological men's feelings and wants are far more important than yours. Women know your place.

@Covidcorvid

It’s not that long ago a woman got sent to prison for having sex with a straight woman while she pretended to be a man. Deception.

So surely if a man is saying they’re a woman to have sex with a lesbian the same should happen? 🤷‍♀️

This is an interesting parallel. I wonder what the legal interpretation of that would be...eg born male but identified as woman and as a lesbian, on dating app and 'passed' as a biological woman with someone they were messaging and then seeing - ie their date did not perceive that they were born male. So, if they did not reveal their male genitalia and the two started engaging in sexual activity - would that be duping and therefore sexual assault?

I'm generally pretty relaxed about trans people on the dating sites I use - I'm a gay woman looking for other gay women but it's no odds to me to swipe left on anyone I'm not personally attracted to.

am I being unreasonable to believe that lesbians deserve spaces of their own, both online and in the real world?

It's completely reasonable that lesbians should be able to have spaces of their own, as they did until recently. As far as dating apps and such are concerned, women should also be able to specify on a more general site that they are only interested in women (and women alone, not women bringing along a male partner who thinks he is "queer" because he likes lesbian porn). And gay men should be allowed to specify that they are only interested in men.

Your post is weird, though - how does your joining a lesbian dating site make a point? If you are a straight man (I'm getting that idea from the replies), how is this different from all the other men who are causing the problem?

@RufustheSniggeringReindeer

Whats a unicorn hunter linner ?

I don’t want to google, it doesn’t generally end well

Unicorn hunters are couples searching for a bisexual woman who will have a threesome with them, usually no strings. Called unicorns because such women are obviously quite rare!

YANBU even though it’s a man making a point. When women, let alone lesbians are not permitted to say no to males , the site becomes unsafe. Yes go ahead with trans dating sites which can include women if they choose. You will soon find out how this is not a thing for most . And lesbians really only want other lesbians, if you actually bothered to ask them. I would be really noxious bout any young women using any dating sites at the moment. All we see is colonisation and exploitation, and it’s not women or lesbians that are responsible.

DeusEx: "But you’re a man who defines himself as a man. So you already invaded what is supposed to be an all female space. And you did it in a way that was really aggressive and to be honest makes Gender Critical people look like insane extremists."

THIS

I'm a lesbian, and incidentally I can see the problem with self-identifying trans women in female spaces such as prisons.

However, a straight man (and a bunch of straight women) telling me that I should exclude trans women from 'my' space is not just transphobic but also homophobic.