DH refusing to have the snip

[FirstladyKirkman]

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

[Viviennemary]

His body his choice. Your body your choice. It's an impasse. Try and think of an acceptable compromise.

[LindaEllen]

Neither of you have to take hormone treatment or undergo procedures if you don't want to. I think female hormonal contraceptives have become so commonplace that people don't realise how much of an effect they can have over time.

You obviously don't have to go back on them if you don't want to. But he also doesn't have to get his balls snipped if HE doesn't want to.

You either use condoms or don't have sex. It's up to you. But neither of you can complain about that if neither of you are prepared to take action.

I can't imagine why condoms would seem so bad to you that it's worth avoiding sex altogether for.

[IdblowJonSnow]

I tthink he is being selfish, particularly as he won't even discuss it with you.
How much do our bodies go through from pregnancy and childbirth. I'm not saying you should pressure him but he could at least look into it or be proactive about other possibilities.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

[quote FirstladyKirkman]@TheSpottedZebra

No reason given. Just "I'm not having it done. End of". When I ask for a rationale that gets repeated.[/quote]
What a man child.

I'd just say 'Fine. When
you're ready to have an adult discussion about this, let me know'

Then refuse any advances he makes & tell him 'No we need to discuss contraception, unless you've changed your mind about having more children'

[Regularsizedrudy]

Use condoms

[giao]

I was sterilised very young. I figured that I didn't want more children so I took care of it. I thought that if I died, DH might want more children with my replacement. If he died I wouldn't want more children ever. No regets.

MN didn't exist then so I never considered LTB was an option.

[MrsBrunch]

It's not very clear but have you discussed this properly, i.e. he has vetoed the snip which you have to accept as it's his choice and you have vetoed contraception which he has to accept as it's your choice, so what are the alternatives?

All I can see is either you have a hysterectomy and everything that goes with it (potentially massive changes for you and he to come to terms with) or you never have sex again.

Have you actually had that discussion or are you just snapping at each other?

[Daisy829]

I’m in the same position op...he doesn’t refuse but just doesn’t do anything about it and i don’t push him! I didn’t realise female sterilisation was possible actually so I might look into this as i definitely don’t want any other children. I had a little scare a few months ago and I had already decided that I wouldn’t go ahead with the pregnancy but I was worried what it would do to our relationship.

[TatianaBis]

It’s all on you isn’t it. Contraception since 16, childbirth.

If he doesn’t want the snip, that’s fine: condoms or abstention from now on.

[littlepattilou]

@MrsKJones

Of course you can't force someone to have a medical procedure however I do think its a bit that a man is willing to have sex with his partner for her to get pregnant, have her go through all the trauma of a pregnancy (hormones, body change, growing a human being etc), trauma of delivery (where any number of things can go wrong, rarely yes but still a possibility) and then have the rollercoaster of emotions/hormones that come after giving birth and trying to establish BF'ing etc and he won't even consider a vasectomy???

This. @FirstladyKirkman YANBU, and your DH is being a stubborn and obnoxious git. It's all right for men isn't it? They are not the ones who get pregnant, and have to endure all of the above!

Simple answer for me (if I were you,) would be, no vasectomy? No sex. Not ever again. The ball is in his court.

[Lovelydiscusfish]

In my opinion, he is not being unreasonable because relationships break up, and you never know what the future might hold. Having said that, I was in your position many years ago when ex-H and I had DD. We were definite that, as a couple, she would be our only, and I can’t tolerate hormonal contraception (and we both hated condoms). He flatly refused the snip and it annoyed me at the time. (Tho I then got the copper-coil, which I am positively evangelical about).

Years later, I see he was right to refuse - he is now with another woman, and I have no idea if they are TTC (none of my business really) but I reckon he must be glad to have retained that option. Similarly my boyfriend and I are considering the possibility of TTC in the future if things continue to work out for us - I am certainly glad that I never had a voluntary operation that would render this less likely/impossible.....

This is not to say that I don’t hear your pain, OP.......

[oil0W0lio]

He thinks it's the same as castration before puberty
I think he knows fine well that it isn't but he can't come up with anything else so he's just going to stick to this!

[BrideofBideford]

We were in the same situation

So our compromise was condoms

Would you really rather have a major op than use them?!

[Daphnise]

You do not tell another person to get sterilised.

It may not be that long before nature takes it course and you no longer conceive.

Think of it that way.

[grapewine]

@scaevola

Bodily autonomy matters.

If he does not want to have his fertility surgically removed, no matter how inconvenient that is to you, it is a decision that must be respected.

It is a procedure with 10% chance of the serious, enduring complications (these lasting months, requiring more surgery to fix, or causing pain that may persist even externally de-nervation). No one should be cajoled, blackmailed or whatever into taking those risks if they are disinclined so to do.

Which does not solve your contraceptive question, OP. But then again, neither with mithering him about his reasons. People can and should exercise bodily autonomy without need to justify their choice, even to a spouse.

Nail. head.

You absolutely can't force him. People would be gunning for any man, who came on saying this about his wife. But, equally, he can't force you to put hormones in your body.

[oil0W0lio]

then again maybe this is why they are clinging desperately to their waning fertility....
amp.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/feb/26/falling-sperm-counts-human-survival

[Redrunbluerun]

I feel for you Op. after years of the pill messing with my body, miscarriages, 2 very difficult births, DH thought it was the least he could do and got the snip. Our sex life is better because of it! No worrying.
He was in and out on 30 Mins.

[ShastaBeast]

10% chance of chronic pain. That’s huge and totally not worth it. I suffer with chronic pain already so I couldn’t force the issue although I did suggest it and he didn’t want to just because...then he did the research. Without the 10% risk I’d feel different. I now have a copper coil and it’s been brilliant.

It sucks being a woman sometimes but there are more options for us. Sadly female sterilisation also has a risk of chronic pain.

[longtompot]

My dh won't have the snip due to having keloid skin which scars very badly. A small mole he had removed from his back resulted in a scar larger than the original mole. The worry of having that in his nether region is what puts him off. Every now and then he thinks right, I can do this, and speaks to the gp, but it always ends up with the same result.
It doesn't stop me from being a bit resentful that he won't do it as I have been the one who has had all the hormones over the years. But I do understand why.

[Fuckadoodledoooo]

@oil0W0lio

He thinks it's the same as castration before puberty
I think he knows fine well that it isn't but he can't come up with anything else so he's just going to stick to this!

Nah, he really is that thick, sadly.

[grapewine]

ShastaBeast: 10% chance of chronic pain. That’s huge and totally not worth it. I suffer with chronic pain already

Same. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It is absolutely shit.

[JennieLee]

@Lovelydiscusfish

In my opinion, he is not being unreasonable because relationships break up, and you never know what the future might hold. Having said that, I was in your position many years ago when ex-H and I had DD. We were definite that, as a couple, she would be our only, and I can’t tolerate hormonal contraception (and we both hated condoms). He flatly refused the snip and it annoyed me at the time. (Tho I then got the copper-coil, which I am positively evangelical about).

Years later, I see he was right to refuse - he is now with another woman, and I have no idea if they are TTC (none of my business really) but I reckon he must be glad to have retained that option. Similarly my boyfriend and I are considering the possibility of TTC in the future if things continue to work out for us - I am certainly glad that I never had a voluntary operation that would render this less likely/impossible.....

This is not to say that I don’t hear your pain, OP.......

This.

(My partner did have a vasectomy, but he was older and had fathered three children by that point.)

[DenisetheMenace]

Can see both sides. In the end though, you can’t force someone to have a procedure they don’t want.

[TeddyBlue]

I was sterilised a couple of years ago. We had a very honest conversation and DH would consider more children if we split, I wouldn't as my last pregnancy almost killed me. I had the copper coil for a while as my GP just laughed when I asked about sterilisation and it was great for a few years. I had a few other gynae issues and had my tubes clipped whilst having a different procedure and so I can't say how easy the recovery is but the leaflet the hospital gave me made it sound like recovering from a laparoscopy and I've had several of those and they were very easy to recover from.
You need to be able to have an honest open conversation OP and put all the options on the table and discuss them. Bear in mind what you would want if you split up in the future though.

[mimi0708]

YANBU OP. I have horrible reactions with pills and DH and I both hate the condom so DH had to get the snip. I hate it when it's always the woman's job to sort out contraception. The snip is very easy and doesn't really affect them at all compared to all hormonal pills/injections women have to take for years.