Page 6 | DH refusing to have the snip

FirstladyKirkman · 2021-02-27T10:50:39+00:00

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43. 2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5. I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two. Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones. I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 13:17

@poppycat10

A lot of people always say "women have to go through childbirth so men can do a little thing like the snip". And that is true but vasectomies can and do go wrong (happened to BIL) so I would never judge a man for not wanting one when there are other options available. And I definitely think saying a man has to have the snip because he or you or both don't like condoms is a bit childish. But if you really hate condoms than a copper IUD or a cap are worth considering.

Frankly, I'd not find someone so selfish sexy and would not be interested in DTD it's really not selfish although I do think he should discuss his reasons why - that aspect of this would annoy me.

A copper IUD....cool, so OP would need to have an invasive vaginal procedure that can comes with several unpleasant side effects and absolutely no consequences for her H.

Why do we put up with this?

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/02/2021 13:17

He's not being unreasonable to not want the operation.
You're not being unreasonable to not want to take hormones any more.

He is being unreasonable to expect you to continue using hormonal contraception whilst repeatedly refusing to discuss the possibility of vasectomy. ("He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. ... "No reason given. Just "I'm not having it done. End of". When I ask for a rationale that gets repeated.")

It would be helpful if he were to discuss his personal reasons, if only to reassure you that he has actually considered it and isn't just being a prick, seeing contraception as women's work and nothing to do with him! Or having in the back of his mind that if you were to split he'd want to have more children with another partner. And I'd hope he wasn't the type of wassock that looks down his nose at men 'firing blanks'.

Suffice to say there's a whole host of reasons he could have, some of which would lessen my respect for him; but nothing would diminish him (in my eyes) more than refusing to discuss the matter at all.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 13:18

To those going on about the condom, I read on a Planned Parenthood Fb page that in real terms the failure rate of the condom is 20%.

Yes, 20%. Now, 80% success rate for the condom may still seem high, but that means you have a 1 in 5 chance of getting pregnant. That would be too high for someone in the OP's position. Condoms are one of the least reliable methods, what the OP needs is a permanent method. Considering she has taken the responsibility for their whole marriage, the very least he could do is get the snip. Sure she can't force him, but no snip no sex would be a good ploy considering he is already bullying her and ignoring her wants and needs.

partyatthepalace · 27/02/2021 13:18

Well you can’t make him. But clearly you have to sort something out.

If you don’t want to keep taking hormones, then there’s the coil or one it you has to be sterilised. He needs to understand you are annoyed he won’t do it, given it’s a simpler op, but if he won’t it will have to be you.

TheyIsMyFamily · 27/02/2021 13:18

I think your DH is being unreasonable for his unwillingness to have a reasonable discussion about the procedure.

You've done more than you fair share of carrying the contraceptive load for the two of you, plus you've carried two babies and gone through all the body changes that comes with carrying and nursing them.

I would tell him you're done, then. Condoms going forward, or no sex. (Yes, you'll have to put up with condoms, too, but more his problem than yours.) And he'll have to buy and have them ready to go as well, his department. You've done your share of that planning all these years as well.

TheSpottedZebra · 27/02/2021 13:20

It's amazing how women's pain is utterly normalised.

All these people coming onto say ooh, risk of pain, 10% chance (from vasectomy), wheras female tubal ligation is a only day procedure, it's so easy... where are the stats of side effects from the pill, from IUD, from pregnancy, from heavy periods.

Honestly the bible said that women must labour AND SUFFER, and people really took that to heart. It's just expected, even from the men who are meant to care for us, even too from women!

TatianaBis · 27/02/2021 13:21

He doesn’t have to discuss his personal reasons.

But equally OP does not have to discuss her refusal to take more contraception or be sterilised. She can just echo: ”I'm not having it done. End of".

JesusAteMyHamster · 27/02/2021 13:22

I've been using a copper coil for 20 years and it's been fine. It's also as.effective as being sterilised and can be removed of you don't get on with it.

I don't blame him for not wanting to undergo an op when there are safer alternatives either.........the reality is.most contraception is aimed at women. That isn't the guys fault that the only options for them either feel a bit crap (( condoms )) or involve an operation and the risks associated with that. Chronic pain being a risk for both men and women. It's a risk that can be avoided.

TatianaBis · 27/02/2021 13:22

@TheSpottedZebra

It's amazing how women's pain is utterly normalised.

All these people coming onto say ooh, risk of pain, 10% chance (from vasectomy), wheras female tubal ligation is a only day procedure, it's so easy... where are the stats of side effects from the pill, from IUD, from pregnancy, from heavy periods.

Honestly the bible said that women must labour AND SUFFER, and people really took that to heart. It's just expected, even from the men who are meant to care for us, even too from women!

I know, it’s extraordinary.

Women’s pain and self-sacrifice are simply part of the wallpaper even to women.

rawalpindithelabrador · 27/02/2021 13:22

@partyatthepalace

Well you can’t make him. But clearly you have to sort something out.

If you don’t want to keep taking hormones, then there’s the coil or one it you has to be sterilised. He needs to understand you are annoyed he won’t do it, given it’s a simpler op, but if he won’t it will have to be you.

Nope, not her problem to sort out with coils and crap. No one has to be sterilised. No sex means no babies.

Sep21mum · 27/02/2021 13:23

Of course he's allowed to decide about his own body. Yabu.

We use this. Much better than condoms
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01B50WWT0?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 13:23

@TatianaBis

He doesn’t have to discuss his personal reasons.

But equally OP does not have to discuss her refusal to take more contraception or be sterilised. She can just echo: ”I'm not having it done. End of".

He doesn’t have to discuss his personal reasons with his wife, who has borne two of his children, taking on the risks of pregnancies and labours, whom he suggested went back on her depo shot? And whom might have to go through another pregnancy/labour if their contraceptive method failed?

Ok.

DaisyHeadMaisey · 27/02/2021 13:24

It's amazing how women's pain is utterly normalised.

All these people coming onto say ooh, risk of pain, 10% chance (from vasectomy), wheras female tubal ligation is a only day procedure, it's so easy... where are the stats of side effects from the pill, from IUD, from pregnancy, from heavy periods.

Honestly the bible said that women must labour AND SUFFER, and people really took that to heart. It's just expected, even from the men who are meant to care for us, even too from women!

This! If it's 'just' a woman taking on the risk of side effects it doesn't seem to matter

Lockheart · 27/02/2021 13:26

@Cokie3

To those going on about the condom, I read on a Planned Parenthood Fb page that in real terms the failure rate of the condom is 20%.

Yes, 20%. Now, 80% success rate for the condom may still seem high, but that means you have a 1 in 5 chance of getting pregnant. That would be too high for someone in the OP's position. Condoms are one of the least reliable methods, what the OP needs is a permanent method. Considering she has taken the responsibility for their whole marriage, the very least he could do is get the snip. Sure she can't force him, but no snip no sex would be a good ploy considering he is already bullying her and ignoring her wants and needs.

That is 20% over a year, not 20% each time you have sex. It is also including those that don't know how to use a condom properly, those who fail to use a condom properly, and those who are using condoms which don't fit.

If you know what you're doing, no-one is pissed out of their skull, and you have condoms which fit correctly, the failure rate is much much lower and condoms are a popular long-term contraceptive choice for many.

TatianaBis · 27/02/2021 13:27

@Sep21mum

Of course he's allowed to decide about his own body. Yabu.

We use this. Much better than condoms
]]

When you say we you mean you.

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 13:27

@JesusAteMyHamster

I've been using a copper coil for 20 years and it's been fine. It's also as.effective as being sterilised and can be removed of you don't get on with it.

I don't blame him for not wanting to undergo an op when there are safer alternatives either.........the reality is.most contraception is aimed at women. That isn't the guys fault that the only options for them either feel a bit crap (( condoms )) or involve an operation and the risks associated with that. Chronic pain being a risk for both men and women. It's a risk that can be avoided.

I have a Mirena IUD for heavy periods. I was almost sick from the pain of having it inserted and felt shaky for hours afterwards. My periods are lighter but irregular - I’ve developed neck acne, sore breasts and my PMT hasn’t improved. My friend has a copper coil and was given gas and air as it was so painful to fit. And another had a Mirena fall out without her knowing - she had a termination as she fell pregnant.

SionnachGlic · 27/02/2021 13:27

You can't force him to have a vasectomy no more than he can force you to be sterilised... if you are agreed no more kids, then you should discuss options without resentments being added into the mix. If he is not prepared to take a permanent step & you are, then you go ahead. Vasectomy does carry an element of risk...I'm sure less now with microsurgery...but they don't have you sign waivers for nothing, . I'm not saying sterilisation doesn't but you are the one suggesting he is being selfish.

TatianaBis · 27/02/2021 13:29

I think you missed my point @Jeanswithanicetop

What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. If he refuses to discuss it and makes a decision with no reference to the OP: OP is entitled to do the same.

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 13:30

Plus IUDs need maintenance, all taken care of by the woman. Fitting, follow up appointment 6 weeks after, checking monthly, dealing with any side effects.

While the H carries on ejaculating without consequence. No appointments to get to for him, no checking the strings, no wondering if it’s come out with a heavy period

Erkrie · 27/02/2021 13:30

It's amazing how women's pain is utterly normalised.

It really is. Even by women.

Beep9724 · 27/02/2021 13:31

I understand your concerns but you cannot force him to have it. I want dp to get it too as we’ve got 2 children’s and not planning more but for now he’s said no but will re-consider in future. Thing is he’s 41 and me 30 so I could have 20 years or me of needing contraception yet 😭 yet he could get the snip.. not going to force him though.

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 13:32

@TatianaBis

I think you missed my point *@Jeanswithanicetop*

What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. If he refuses to discuss it and makes a decision with no reference to the OP: OP is entitled to do the same.

Of course she is, but then nothing gets resolved. Contraception should be a joint decision in a healthy relationship. He’s happy for her to bear all burdens and take no responsibility for his fertility.

oil0W0lio · 27/02/2021 13:33

Some replies speak as if this is a case of vasectomy vs female sterilization and neither of them wants to take the hit
But in my view the OP has already taken several hits, the man has had a sex life and children without any health consequences, she has borne all the consequences and he is still refusing to bear any of the burden or risk

TurquoiseDragon · 27/02/2021 13:34

I would recommend the copper coil. I have one. And I don't believe the copper coil causes heavy bleeding.

I've always had heavy periods, they run in my family, DD is the same. Before the coil, my bleeding was heavy but steady, just slowly tapering off on the 8th day.

With the coil, it changed to being very heavy on the first couple of days, then pretty light until it finished on the 8th day. I don't believe my blood loss was greater, just that the pattern was changed.

Back to the OP, I feel that while it's his choice to not have a vasectomy (bodily autonomy and all that), he can't expect OP to subject herself to hormones, etc, just to facilitate his desire to have sex.

Mischance · 27/02/2021 13:34

My OH's reaction was the same, but a few months later he made his own decision to have the snip as he could see that it made sense.

Ironically I needed a hysterectomy a couple of years later - so belt and braces!

If there is no way out of this impasse, maybe you both need to learn to love condoms. Simple, painless, non-invasive, tried and tested - what's not to like? If he thinks it does jot feel as good then he is just going to have to get the snip.