DH refusing to have the snip

[FirstladyKirkman]

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

[C8H10N4O2]

You can either never have sex with the man who won't take responsibility for contraception, or have an operation to have sex with the man who hasn't and won't take any responsibility

Do you think your sex life will improve once you've been sterilised?

This sums it up for me. Women bear the menstrual cycle, the childen and the physical/chemical methods of contraception and after all that he won't even consider taking his share of responsibility?

Says a lot for how he sees your relationship frankly.

Is this a change in the current generation of 30/40 somethings? Being anti vasectomy seems much commoner now than it was when DH (and pretty much all his male friends) had the snip 15-20 odd years ago. Its only anecdotal but I don't recall the kind of scare stories about the procedure that I see on SM these days.

[FudgeSundae]

I’m in a similar situation and in 2 minds. On the one hand, I’ve had to deal with years of being the one in charge of contraception and lots of fake hormones (although my side effects have been minimal). On the other hand, I read about the exact vasectomy procedure - it involves cutting the scrotum to get to the key sperm tubes. This is such a sensitive area on men, plus they’re not used to dealing with genital trauma the way we women have to be, at least if we want kids. I know some women will say “his turn then!” but I genuinely think the procedure would bother me less.
Ultimately for me I want it more so I think I should get it done. He’d be up for a third!

[2pinkginsplease]

His body choice, same as it’s your body and your choice when it comes to deciding about hormonal contraception .

[Neveam]

It's not selfish for him to refuse to have a small op. It's also not selfish for you to ask. You're not forcing him, you ASKED (forcing him would be selfish, same if he forced you to get sterilised or use contraception when you're not happy with it)

I feel like men need to take some responsibility for contraception. It shouldn't always be on women. Men can balk at the idea of having their bits cut open but it's nothing compared to what a lot of women go through during birth so it's only fair that it's raised as an option when a couple decides no more kids.

I think if neither of you want an op and you don't want to put pills in your body then you'll have to grin and bear condoms.

[TwoLeftSocksWithHoles]

Have you explained that they don't just 'chop the lot off'?

[idontlikealdi]

In exactly the same position op. We're in a no sex stand off now. It's all a bit shit really.

[sunflowertulip]

I don't think he's being selfish, it's his choice. I don't want more children but also don't want to be sterilised, nor do I want my husband to have vasectomy (though would respect his choice if he wanted to).

[Cokie3]

Yes, he is being very selfish. You have stuffed your body full of hormones. You have carried and given birth to his 2 children. The very LEAST he could do, is undergo this very simple, quick and easy snip. Considering it is his sperm that makes you pregnant. You've done your bit. And he can't even do such a simple, quick and easy (compared to all you have gone through) for you. Marriage is a partnership, he should be doing his bit now. He is very selfish and I would not be happy with his reaction, lack of reason and his lack of effort in your marriage.

[Karwomannghia]

It is selfish yes and my dh was the same. He’s a wimp basically. I got sterilised because I’m not and am not into depriving myself of sex.

[Muskox]

If it was me I'd insist on condoms. You may find he changes his mind.

[Beautiful3]

My husband and I were at the same situation as yourselves. He refused the snip and grumbled about condoms. I didn't want hormone based pills anymore, so I opted for a copper coil. It's great, it lasts 10 years, there are no hormones so still have natural periods.

[WorraLiberty]

Is he being ridiculously selfish??

No. If you choose to get yourself sterilised that would be up to you.

That's your choice as it's your body, and equally it's his choice because it's his body.

[WorraLiberty]

@Beautiful3

My husband and I were at the same situation as yourselves. He refused the snip and grumbled about condoms. I didn't want hormone based pills anymore, so I opted for a copper coil. It's great, it lasts 10 years, there are no hormones so still have natural periods.

Same here, I've been using copper coils for 18 years and they're bloody brilliant (for me anyway).

[rawalpindithelabrador]

He's selfish. I'd choose not to have sex with him again.

[oil0W0lio]

[quote FirstladyKirkman]@TheSpottedZebra

No reason given. Just "I'm not having it done. End of". When I ask for a rationale that gets repeated.[/quote]
So his way of dealing with this is to stonewall you in the hope that you will back down, it's not a very sophisticated tactic is it!
I would suggest you do the same, just say you're not prepared to use hormonal contraception or condoms and you're not prepared to endure another pregnancy so there will be no sex.
obviously this is not a situation which is beneficial to the relationship as a whole but one should not acquiesce to bullies.
Furthermore one would hope that one's 'loving' partner would not bully one!
I don't much like the sound of him ☹️ it's very 'I'll do as I please and you do as you're told' isn't it

[3babylady]

I'm 28 and will be sterilised in July during 3rd csection, we both have quite clearly said 3 kids is enough DP offered a vasectomy but I said I'm already going to be having surgery I might aswell ask for the option to sterilise which was accepted by my consultant otherwise he would of already booked himself in privately,
yanbu OP I think your DP is actually being quite selfish considering you've protected yourself since age 16 he can't fathom a vasectomy at 43?

[oil0W0lio]

@idontlikealdi

In exactly the same position op. We're in a no sex stand off now. It's all a bit shit really.

OMG really! Do you think he will back down 😳

[Erkrie]

Hmm, of course it's his body / choice, but it seems you're bearing the brunt of it all as you're the one who would get pregnant. Is he happy to give up sex? Or does he think you should take all the action / risks / consequences?

[Fuckadoodledoooo]

I'm in the same boat. Dh won't have the snip* and doesn't like condoms.

I am 40 and no longer willing to take hormonal contraceptives, I don't want anything invasive either. They wouldn't discuss sterilisation during my third section as it was going to be complicated enough abs twice as long as usual due to other complications.

I'm unwilling to undergo a hysterectomy as three sections have done enough damage to me. I've done my part. I won't rely on condoms as I've been warned not to get pregnant again, last birth almost killed me and a termination would break me.

So I've not had sex with him since youngest 6 months ago.

He's free to leave and find another woman wiling to be solely responsible for contraception if he likes.

• his reason is "look at all those choir bloody who ended up with tits and high voices"
  
  Yes. He thinks it's the same as castration before puberty. Stupid dickhead.

[AgeLikeWine]

Neither of you ABU.

He does want the snip. His body, his choice. End of.

You do not want to take hormonal contraceptives. Your body, your choice. End of.

Therefore, if you both want to continue having sex, you have a problem to which you need to find a mutually acceptable solution. Condoms are horrid things but they are the easiest & most obvious answer. You need to find something you can both agree on.

[ColourMeExhausted]

After having two DC we knew we didn't want anymore. I was 38, and had been on the pill since my early twenties. I'd never had an issue with it but like you, didn't want to be pumping my body full of hormones. After two births and all the associated issues, I felt I'd had my share of medical interventions and it was over to DH for snip time! Safe to say didn't approach it well and was surprised and resentful at how resistant he was. We argued and decided to park it. A month or so later, DH broached the topic again. He'd gone away and done his research. Turns out he was terrified of getting it done (as women we are more used to medical procedures in our most intimate areas i guess!) and felt backed into a corner. But he took the time to research it and wanted to go ahead. He had it done last October (delayed due to covid). It wasn't a pleasant experience and recovery took longer than we thought it would. But it's done and I'm very grateful to him.

It is a medical procedure and it is his body at the end of the day. Yes it's far less invasive him getting it done than if you do, but it is still a big deal. I'd recommend he talks to any friends who have had it done, that really helped my DH. It's a hard decision and one that will affect whoever decides to do it...but if he wants a stress free sex life, I'd say this is the best option! Good luck OP.

[AtSwimTwoBerts]

No, it is not selfish to not want to undergo a voluntary medical procedure

It is when you expect someone else to deal with it all when they have already had years of contraception and produced 2 humans for you out of their body.

He's a selfish prick and I would not be having sex with him again

[MakeMineALarge1]

My husband won't have a vasectomy and I won't be sterilised, we are both fine with this decision, we both feel either option is too final. I have the implant in and have had for 12 years, I love it, no periods and I just get it changed every 3 years.

[sunflowersandbuttercups]

I don't think he's being selfish. Some men do suffer life-long after effects from vasectomies.

[Karwomannghia]

The only reason they won’t have it done is fear, they throw a load of other excuses and stubbornness at it as excuses but that’s the bottom line.