DH refusing to have the snip

[FirstladyKirkman]

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

[TatianaBis]

Of course contraception is shared

How has contraception been shared in this case? What precisely is his contribution beyond hating condoms?

[Coffeeandcocopops]

For me the issue was my ex H refused to even consider it or speak to a GP. He just said no one was touching his balls. I felt it was an unequal partnership. I didn’t trust condoms as I really did not want a third child having gone through two emergency C sections and nearly died from pre-eclampsia. I felt it was the least he could do. He felt differently. He is now an ex for that and other reasons.

[Dinnafashyersel]

Final thought. Op are you definitely opposed to taking HRT to manage menopause? If not it seems a bit short sighted to force the issue because you are fed up using hormonal contraceptive. HRT is just a variant of the same. Again surprised by comments on this thread because almost every menopause thread ends up dominated by HRT recommendations.

Also fed up with celebs claiming born again understanding of menopause while pushing HRT to medicalise it away as long as possible (Gabby Logan this week, Kirsty Wark couple of years ago, Meg Matthews pushing a book - must be costing drug companies a fortune in Influencer fees by the time you add in the less than subtle on here).

[CutePixie]

You can’t force him to have the snip. It’s his body, his choice. Just like how a woman shouldn’t be forced/coerced into having the coil or implant.

I would say “we either use condoms or we don’t have sex.”

[FrippEnos]

HowManyTimesHaveIToldYou

Where is this 10% crap coming from?

The NHS website to start with.

[ControvertialYeti]

A friend of mine had a similar (but not identical issue). She described their sex life as poor, but on the occasions they did, she didn’t want the risk as they had 1 kid and very clearly didn’t want another. It sounded like they both disliked barrier contraception and like you she had had enough of taking all the responsibility/artificial hormones. Her partner also adamantly did not want a vessectomy either and didn’t really explain past that. or that’s what she said to me anyway.
It turns out, that the reasons why did they were so hesitant were more to do with underpaying sexual issues between them. They tried a form of sex therapy which helped in the short term. Maybe this could be an option for you guys?
They are not married but in the end, to solve their problem, they ended up ‘opening up’ their relationship. This meant each of them was free to see other people in a sexual capacity. It sounds like they had a bit of a difficult start, but are now (im told) very content with their ‘situation’ and certainly seem very happy when I’ve seen/spoken to them
I’m not suggesting you do this, by the way, but just that maybe there are other unknown sexual issues underneath that is driving this conflict.

[AnitaB888]

@Rawlpindi

"So you're saying all those who've had side effects, which are printed on the leaflet that comes with the device as they are documented potential side effects, are liars then?"

Not at all and please don't put words in my mouth.

I'm saying it worked for me and about a dozen friends except one girl. She got pregnant because apparently it 'moved' but there again she hadn't been checking the 'strings'.

Whatever method is used brings side effects/isn't aesthetically acceptable/is risky so IMO it's picking the best of a bad bunch.

[SomethingbeginningL]

I think you need to find out his reasons for not wanting the snip.

Reason 1. He's testified of minor operations. This is fair enough, however he could turn this around. It's an almost painless procedure.

Reason 2. He wants more children in the future. This is completely fair enough, but you have said that you both definitely don't want more children... So it can't be this... Unless...

Reason 3. He wants to leave his options open to having more children in the future with sometime else.

Your body has grown and birthed 2 children and you have been on contraception for 20 years. I think you have done your fair share and if you want to stop hormonal contraception, you shouldn't be made to get guilty.

[SomethingbeginningL]

Terrified*

[noblegreenk]

You can't make him get it done bit that would annoy the hell out of me too. It's unfair to let you go through sterilisation when it's a much worse procedure for a woman plus you've already been through pregnancy and childbirth twice.

Everyone is different anyway, my husband had the snip last year and he didn't find it too bad at all and recovery was quick. His friend and his father have also had the snip and neither of them found it too bad either.

I'd go and speak to your doctor an explore what your other options are. Maybe IUD? I've never fancied having the IUD myself, but if it was a choice between that or female sterilisation I'd probably go with the IUD.

[Sunflowergirl1]

Two people my DH knows ..friendly and a colleague bit had nasty complications and off work weeks with it. There is a 10% complication rate so not insignificant. As a result I haven't forced the issue and stick with a Mirena which works brilliantly and I don't have any periods which is a massive plus

[GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom]

I don't want more children but I don't like the idea of being sterilised.

[Cokie3]

@rawalpindithelabrador

He wants to keep his options open.

Seems like a lot of women put their OH's ability to father even more kids above their own - 'If I die, I want OH to have yet more kids with someone else.' What an odd way to think. Wouldn't you want him to focus first and foremost on the kids he's already got? Why the obsession of needing to procreate with every 'partner' you get with?

Exactly! Wouldn't he be happy with the ones he already has? Does he need to breed with every partner?

[Cokie3]

@Cornettoninja

Lol. Okay *@Cokie3*, whatever you need to think.

Lol Cowardice and lying is golden you think. You're the one who publicly humiliated yourself. Your posts are here for all to see.

[StandardLampski]

@JosephineBaker

I gave DH 3 options:
More children (oh god no, the pregnancies were hellish)
No penetrative sex
Vasectomy

I’d done decades of contraception, it was his turn. He kvetched for a bit but decided it was only fair to get the snip.

See this sounds very clear and perfect to me , but sadly mine would say "more children then!"

Eh, no way

[Dinnafashyersel]

I’d done decades of contraception, it was his turn.

Not convinced most husbands would agree with this statement.
Even if all of those decades were while you were in an exclusive relationship with your DH. Just as people are claiming rights to their DH's future childbearing potential there is a side benefit of being on hormonal contraception while married in that it makes dalliances less risky.

Coming back to previous comments on HRT. Mirena coil is often sold as an alternative option to manage peri-menopause. If you have been on hormonal contraceptives for decades I would have thought managing the withdrawal and passage into menopause via this would make more sense than a hard stop.

Definitely worth discussing with a gynae. One of my best friends is an expert on such matters. I try to avoid tmi conversations with her and yet here I am ....

[Pyewackect]

Female sterilisation is simply keyhole surgery and you’re in and out in a few hours. I had mine at 28 after three kids.

Vasectomy isn’t risk free, google epididymectomy. I work in ITU but I’ve know colleagues in A&E having to treat PVPS with diamorphine.

[eatsleepread]

YANBU.

[Cokie3]

@Pyewackect

Female sterilisation is simply keyhole surgery and you’re in and out in a few hours. I had mine at 28 after three kids.

Vasectomy isn’t risk free, google epididymectomy. I work in ITU but I’ve know colleagues in A&E having to treat PVPS with diamorphine.

@Pyewackect

Female sterilisation is done on an O.R in the hospital and involves General Anaesthetic.

Vesectomy while of course not risk free, is done in the Doctor's room and with a Local Anaesthetic, in only 20 minutes (not hours), is in the majority of cases reversible, and on average, has far less risk than Tubal Ligation. I've known 2 women who had an infection from a T.L, one progressed to Sepsis. Sepsis that can spread to the ovaries etc. It is far greater a risk.

[Pyewackect]

I know what’s involved , I’m medically qualified and I’ve had it done.

[sofato5miles]

After 3 children and 2 emergency c sections and decades of hormone contraception DH had to have the snip. I had ruined my body and risked my health to bear his kids.

If he didn't agree i would have thought he was a complete fucking twat. I seriously could not give a fuck about men being so precious compared to risks of childbirth.

For those: whst about future partners? We divorced and he does not want another family as he considers the 3 he has enough responsibility. And frankly, for our children this is the best outcome. I am never having more either.

[Karwomannghia]

@Pyewackect

I know what’s involved , I’m medically qualified and I’ve had it done.

So weighing both procedures up, which would you say is more invasive and carries more risk afterwards? Because when I had my appointment before sterilisation, the doctor said to speak to dh again because vasectomy is less invasive, has a faster recovery time and can be reversed more easily.