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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH refusing to have the snip

441 replies

FirstladyKirkman · 27/02/2021 10:50

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 27/02/2021 11:07

BIL said "Ooh snip for you then" and went through the whole procedure with him and all he got at the end was "not happening"

Your BIL sounds ace :)

Punching · 27/02/2021 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Porcupineintherough · 27/02/2021 11:08

YANBU and neither is he. YWNBU to refuse to have sex til he comes up with a solution though.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 27/02/2021 11:08

I wouldn't want to be sterilised either, even if it wasn't such an invasive procedure for women. I just don't like the idea. He's allowed to feel the same way.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 27/02/2021 11:09

But yes, if you don't want kids and aren't using contraception, of course you'll have to avoid penetrative security or other stuff that could cause conception. That still leaves plenty of other things...

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 27/02/2021 11:10

Penetrative security? Fucking autocorrect!

nokidshere · 27/02/2021 11:10

Well as others have said you can't make another person have a medical procedure that they don't want.

However, if I didn't ever want another child then I would be absolutely making sure that I never had one. So your options are no sex, condoms, or a more permanent solution for you personally.

Original poster
FirstladyKirkman · 27/02/2021 11:10

@GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

😂😂😂

OP posts:
Tlollj · 27/02/2021 11:14

I was sterilised must be best part of 30 years ago. Simple day surgery two stitches best thing I ever did.
No more worrying about contraception.
Of course if it’s not for you then that’s fine, but it’s not a major op.

MrsKJones · 27/02/2021 11:18

Of course you can't force someone to have a medical procedure however I do think its a bit Hmm that a man is willing to have sex with his partner for her to get pregnant, have her go through all the trauma of a pregnancy (hormones, body change, growing a human being etc), trauma of delivery (where any number of things can go wrong, rarely yes but still a possibility) and then have the rollercoaster of emotions/hormones that come after giving birth and trying to establish BF'ing etc and he won't even consider a vasectomy???

My DH didn't even hesitate when we decided our family was complete. He booked the appointment himself and even when he had to be referred to hospital to have it done, he didn't make a song and dance just got on with it. I know things can go wrong but it is very rare and majority of men are absolutely fine, if sore for a few days (welcome to our world huh?!!)

OP you have few choices: either you back down and go on contraception/be sterilised, you refuse to have sex without a condom or your DP backs down and has a vasectomy. Personally if a man thought that little of me/us that he expected me to be solely responsible, he would very quickly become an ex-DP

Babyfg · 27/02/2021 11:23

My dh was like this after our second. He didn't want the snip but didn't want any more. It really upset me and felt unfair as my body had been through so much carrying, creating and giving birth (not to mention breastfeeding and everything after giving birth). I remember crying that my ribs and hips are now permanently widerthan before kids and he can't even get this simple procedure done.

Like you we were super fertile. We got pregnant again. He booked one when I was about four months pregnant (during the pandemic it was last June and on the nhs so don't let him justify by using covid as a excuse). I think it's so unjust contraception is nearly always at our expense

KitKatty55 · 27/02/2021 11:24

YABU - You can’t force someone to have a medical procedure they do not want. You both don’t want to use condoms, so you’re both being unreasonable, the only logical thing is not to have sex, which you’ve said your sex life is non-existent anyway, so I don’t know how making him have a vasectomy will change things.

Heyahun · 27/02/2021 11:36

I’ve refused to take any more birth control the last 5 years. Makes me feel crap and I hate it! So we use condoms! It’s just kinda tough shit tbh

scaevola · 27/02/2021 11:37

Bodily autonomy matters.

If he does not want to have his fertility surgically removed, no matter how inconvenient that is to you, it is a decision that must be respected.

It is a procedure with 10% chance of the serious, enduring complications (these lasting months, requiring more surgery to fix, or causing pain that may persist even externally de-nervation). No one should be cajoled, blackmailed or whatever into taking those risks if they are disinclined so to do.

Which does not solve your contraceptive question, OP. But then again, neither with mithering him about his reasons. People can and should exercise bodily autonomy without need to justify their choice, even to a spouse.

adventurealice · 27/02/2021 11:44

What happens here is someone breaks first. Being a man I reckon he will cave first so stick to your guns! Definitely no BJs or anything like that or he'll grind it out.

Lochmorlich · 27/02/2021 11:50

You can’t make him have a vasectomy but I do think your dh is behaving very selfishly.
No man likes the thought of going through a procedure where a surgeon is operating on their balls, however minor.
But it’s a small embarrassment compared to what feels like a red hot coconut being pushed out of your vagina with strangers in the delivery room.
He’s a coward. And he’s putting his feelings first.

Ijustreallywantacat · 27/02/2021 11:52

There are alternatives to condoms that don't involve hormones, such as diaphragms (often combined with spermicide), sponges, the mirena coil, or sponges.

You can't force someone in to a medical procedure.

Honestly though it sounds like you could use some time exploring 'outercourse' and being intimate with each other.

bumpertobumper · 27/02/2021 11:56

The mirena coil does have hormones, and usually no periods.
The copper coil has no hormones, sometimes makes periods heavier, but not for me.
My Dh was reluctant, but not outright refusal like yours, about the snip. We agreeef that I'd try copper coil ( don't get on with hormones generally), and if that didn't suit them he'd go for it.
So far it's working well for us/me. It just stays there for years and don't have to think about it.

Chickychickydodah · 27/02/2021 11:59

Sterilisation is an easy option these days. In and out same day. Keyhole.
🤷‍♀️

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 27/02/2021 11:59

I think you need to look into the risk associated with female sterilisation vs vasectomy. Also the failure rate.

Dh had a vasectomy and a slight complication immediately afterwards. This was completely resolved and he has been fine ever since. He thinks it was the best decision for us. Having seen me go through hell just to be able to get pregnant, then the pregnancies and some complications he felt it was worth the risk.

After all the risk to a woman's body for just going through a pregnancy and life long complications from giving birth is something men possibly don't consider.

badacorn · 27/02/2021 12:02

Neither of you are being unreasonable as long as you don’t push the other to have a procedure/treatment you don’t want to

I don’t blame you op. My experience with contraceptives has been years of mood swings, pain, bleeding and other side effects regardless of whatever I’ve tried. It’s great if you can find something that suits you but many women don’t. If your partner doesn’t want the snip that’s understandable but don’t let him tell you it’s just an easy little injection, why don’t you just keep going with it. They don’t understand.

Munkeenut · 27/02/2021 12:04

We had this, Ds is 19 months and I've had a copper coil since he was 9 months old. Mainly I did this to get a quick solution so we could then discuss longer term options BUT I've not got period back yet as I'm still bf frequently. I've heard it's vile for heavy horrible periods so if that happens to me when they return I'm going to put my foot down and say he has to get the snip.

JosephineBaker · 27/02/2021 12:08

I gave DH 3 options:
More children (oh god no, the pregnancies were hellish)
No penetrative sex
Vasectomy

I’d done decades of contraception, it was his turn. He kvetched for a bit but decided it was only fair to get the snip.

giletrouge · 27/02/2021 12:09

Wait a minute - are you saying he refuses to have the snip AND he thinks you getting sterilised is too extreme? Because if you are saying that then I think he's not only selfish, he's ridiculous and verging on controlling - if you want to be sterilised and you've both already agreed to no more kids he should be fucking grateful you're happy to have it done!
By the way I was sterilised and while it wasn't a breeze it was fine and I've never ever regretted it. Two dds, was enough for me.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 27/02/2021 12:09

Completely agree that you can't force someone into a surgical procedure however my respect for him would be so low if he didn't take responsibility in this way that I wouldn't want to have sex with him so that would solve that!

My dh had the snip and we were second marriage so it isn't even like I birthed his children because I didn't!

However he really didn't want any more children and so took personal responsibility for that.

It is fantastic. I don't need to worry about contraception. Our sex life is excellent.