DH refusing to have the snip

[FirstladyKirkman]

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

[TrickyD]

Some years ago, my then GP took a call while I was with him. He performed vasectomies for some local set-up.
They were obviously trying to get him to up his work rate.
‘No, I want 30 minutes for each one. With 20 minutes you need too much of a snatch and grab technique’ .

[rawalpindithelabrador]

DH got offered a GA for his. He declined (he's never had one and was more terrified of that than a local, as he's had locals before for stitches - he's a keen mountain biker, seems to go with the territory). A male friend drove him as I had to stay home with the kids (hospital some distance away). He went in at nine. I'm waiting and waiting. Finally text at noon, is it all okay? Yeah, we've just stopped at Brewer's Fayre for a big lunch.

[Cameleongirl]

@Courtney555

My DH was even able to drive himself there and back when he had a vasectomy - I’d offered to take him but the doctor said it would be fine and it was. it doesn’t even compare to childbirth!

I appreciate this, but it's like saying, well you can't complain about your broken leg because I once broke my back and that's much worse.

It’s the idea that a scheduled, short outpatient procedure is so traumatizing and causes flashbacks that I find so strange. My DH broke his wrist falling off his bike and that operation was far worse than his vasectomy.

But everyone’s different, I suppose.

[Courtney555]

My DH was even able to drive himself there and back when he had a vasectomy - I’d offered to take him but the doctor said it would be fine and it was. it doesn’t even compare to childbirth!

I appreciate this, but it's like saying, well you can't complain about your broken leg because I once broke my back and that's much worse.

[Cameleongirl]

@Courtney555

For what it's worth, DH had his snip last week. It took under 30 minutes from him walking through the door to walking back out to the carpark to go home.

However, I do understand your DH. And the point blank no. I've overhead DH on his team calls with his work (they're very close as colleagues) where he has told the other men about his procedure. Some have been unable to even listen. One who has had it a year on says he still gets flashbacks. I found this all quite funny, I mean it's only a tiny tiny procedure right? No no. DH is quite adamant that we can't understand the attachment and stigma of a man having his balls fiddled with. That he was nearly physically sick when he went in to have it done. He says as a woman I just don't get it, and I'm inclined to agree as I really don't, and every man seems to be of the exact same standing as him if it's mentioned.

What is a light at the end of the tunnel, is that my DH has always refused the snip. And yet here we are. He needs time to get his head around if he can go through with it. And he may.

Imagine the flashbacks they’d have if they had to go through hours of childbirth. I also have flashbacks of someone mentions having a baby...oh but wait, women have been having children for millennia so that’s OK. 🤣

My DH was even able to drive himself there and back when he had a vasectomy - I’d offered to take him but the doctor said it would be fine and it was. it doesn’t even compare to childbirth!

[VestaTilley]

YANBU. No snip, no sex.

My DH has said he’ll happily have one when we’ve completed our family. I took the pill for years and am done with hormonal contraception, so we use condoms for now. Not ideal but I’m not ready for another child yet and we don’t have sex that often anyway

PP is right that he doesn’t have to have an op he doesn’t want and you can’t make him, but he needs to understand that you cannot risk another pregnancy. It’s not a big deal as operations go and can be reversed if needs be.

My DFil had it done after MIL had DS3 and it was fine.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@Dinnafashyersel

Again obvious you haven't read my pps. I had my last child aged 43. She was planned. I'm 52 and still have periods. I have had peri-menopausal migraines and lots else since I was 41. I didn't have any all the time I was pregnant with DD3 but sadly despite being 43 and 100% BF my periods came back as normal by the time she was 3 months.

It is not ageist to point out that fertility decisions need to take age into account. In fact it is the very opposite. What is ageist is a lot of posters making comments along the lines that all men and women should consider getting sterilised once they are approaching 40 with a couple of DC under their belt. There are actually worse but I'm paraphrasing the general sentiment.

People are reading your posts! They make no sense and don't apply to the OP's situation .

[Dinnafashyersel]

Again obvious you haven't read my pps. I had my last child aged 43. She was planned. I'm 52 and still have periods. I have had peri-menopausal migraines and lots else since I was 41. I didn't have any all the time I was pregnant with DD3 but sadly despite being 43 and 100% BF my periods came back as normal by the time she was 3 months.

It is not ageist to point out that fertility decisions need to take age into account. In fact it is the very opposite. What is ageist is a lot of posters making comments along the lines that all men and women should consider getting sterilised once they are approaching 40 with a couple of DC under their belt. There are actually worse but I'm paraphrasing the general sentiment.

[oil0W0lio]

The men talking about having flashbacks after a vasectomy, compared to all the things that women have to undergo wtf
had dare they😡
women should just go on strike and say we ain't having any more babies for you bastards, and while we're on the subject no more sex that we don't want, if it isn't 100% bliss for us we don't want to know anymore

[Coffeeandcocopops]

My GP told me I could get pregnant upto 56 if I was still having periods. The OP has many years left of fertility so let’s stop the ageist comments please.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@Dinnafashyersel

She's 38 and people are pontificating about sterilisation /vasectomy reversal options. Life comes at you faster than you think once you hit 40.

Because a 38-year-old still needs to use contraception.

I'm in my 50s. For some people life goes faster once you hit 40, for me it was the longest decade of my life and shit.

Plenty of people have babies well into their 40s.

[Dinnafashyersel]

She's 38 and people are pontificating about sterilisation /vasectomy reversal options. Life comes at you faster than you think once you hit 40.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

@Dinnafashyersel

Not hard selling at all. If you read my pp you'll see that I actually advocate not using any form of hormonal treatment for either fertility or menopause.

I'm just a bit befuddled by the idea that many women seem to want a break from the pill having done their bit and at the same time are approaching menopause and looking for hormonal solutions.

I agree women's health is largely ignored by most in this debate. Much easier to medicalise it all away than find practical mitigations for periods and hot flushes etc etc etc.

I read your post. You're comparing apples with oranges. We have no idea if the OP is near menopause and no one's even brought that up .

[Dinnafashyersel]

Not hard selling at all. If you read my pp you'll see that I actually advocate not using any form of hormonal treatment for either fertility or menopause.

I'm just a bit befuddled by the idea that many women seem to want a break from the pill having done their bit and at the same time are approaching menopause and looking for hormonal solutions.

I agree women's health is largely ignored by most in this debate. Much easier to medicalise it all away than find practical mitigations for periods and hot flushes etc etc etc.

[Courtney555]

For what it's worth, DH had his snip last week. It took under 30 minutes from him walking through the door to walking back out to the carpark to go home.

However, I do understand your DH. And the point blank no. I've overhead DH on his team calls with his work (they're very close as colleagues) where he has told the other men about his procedure. Some have been unable to even listen. One who has had it a year on says he still gets flashbacks. I found this all quite funny, I mean it's only a tiny tiny procedure right? No no. DH is quite adamant that we can't understand the attachment and stigma of a man having his balls fiddled with. That he was nearly physically sick when he went in to have it done. He says as a woman I just don't get it, and I'm inclined to agree as I really don't, and every man seems to be of the exact same standing as him if it's mentioned.

What is a light at the end of the tunnel, is that my DH has always refused the snip. And yet here we are. He needs time to get his head around if he can go through with it. And he may.

[rawalpindithelabrador]

Coming back to previous comments on HRT. Mirena coil is often sold as an alternative option to manage peri-menopause. If you have been on hormonal contraceptives for decades I would have thought managing the withdrawal and passage into menopause via this would make more sense than a hard stop.

It's hard sold as the panacea to all ills because it's cheap. It has FA to do with menopause and HRT . HRT, the clue is in the name, replacement therapy. It shouldn't be used as a first line treatment for perimenopause or menopause without adequate blood testing first because what some women need is not progestin-based contraception but estrogen based HRT as their estrogen levels have dropped.

Mirena causes negative side effects in 15% of users.

Why are you hard selling this to the OP? She said she's already tried it and it doesn't work for you?

I got hard sold it, would up in an operating theatre, where they offered to shove another one after digging the other one out of my uterus. Yeah, I was so going to go for that .

I use an estrogen patch after testing revealed that's what suits me, but was first fobbed off with offers of anti-depressants and a Mirena. Because again, women's health isn't as important.

[Karwomannghia]

@Pyewackect

I know what’s involved , I’m medically qualified and I’ve had it done.

So weighing both procedures up, which would you say is more invasive and carries more risk afterwards? Because when I had my appointment before sterilisation, the doctor said to speak to dh again because vasectomy is less invasive, has a faster recovery time and can be reversed more easily.

[sofato5miles]

After 3 children and 2 emergency c sections and decades of hormone contraception DH had to have the snip. I had ruined my body and risked my health to bear his kids.

If he didn't agree i would have thought he was a complete fucking twat. I seriously could not give a fuck about men being so precious compared to risks of childbirth.

For those: whst about future partners? We divorced and he does not want another family as he considers the 3 he has enough responsibility. And frankly, for our children this is the best outcome. I am never having more either.

[Pyewackect]

I know what’s involved , I’m medically qualified and I’ve had it done.

[Cokie3]

@Pyewackect

Female sterilisation is simply keyhole surgery and you’re in and out in a few hours. I had mine at 28 after three kids.

Vasectomy isn’t risk free, google epididymectomy. I work in ITU but I’ve know colleagues in A&E having to treat PVPS with diamorphine.

@Pyewackect

Female sterilisation is done on an O.R in the hospital and involves General Anaesthetic.

Vesectomy while of course not risk free, is done in the Doctor's room and with a Local Anaesthetic, in only 20 minutes (not hours), is in the majority of cases reversible, and on average, has far less risk than Tubal Ligation. I've known 2 women who had an infection from a T.L, one progressed to Sepsis. Sepsis that can spread to the ovaries etc. It is far greater a risk.

[eatsleepread]

YANBU.

[Pyewackect]

Female sterilisation is simply keyhole surgery and you’re in and out in a few hours. I had mine at 28 after three kids.

Vasectomy isn’t risk free, google epididymectomy. I work in ITU but I’ve know colleagues in A&E having to treat PVPS with diamorphine.

[Dinnafashyersel]

I’d done decades of contraception, it was his turn.

Not convinced most husbands would agree with this statement.
Even if all of those decades were while you were in an exclusive relationship with your DH. Just as people are claiming rights to their DH's future childbearing potential there is a side benefit of being on hormonal contraception while married in that it makes dalliances less risky.

Coming back to previous comments on HRT. Mirena coil is often sold as an alternative option to manage peri-menopause. If you have been on hormonal contraceptives for decades I would have thought managing the withdrawal and passage into menopause via this would make more sense than a hard stop.

Definitely worth discussing with a gynae. One of my best friends is an expert on such matters. I try to avoid tmi conversations with her and yet here I am ....

[StandardLampski]

@JosephineBaker

I gave DH 3 options:
More children (oh god no, the pregnancies were hellish)
No penetrative sex
Vasectomy

I’d done decades of contraception, it was his turn. He kvetched for a bit but decided it was only fair to get the snip.

See this sounds very clear and perfect to me , but sadly mine would say "more children then!"

Eh, no way

[Cokie3]

@Cornettoninja

Lol. Okay *@Cokie3*, whatever you need to think.

Lol Cowardice and lying is golden you think. You're the one who publicly humiliated yourself. Your posts are here for all to see.