DH refusing to have the snip

[FirstladyKirkman]

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

[morninglive]

@Jillypots

No, you’re not selfish at all. And the snip is a much less serious operation, with a far shorter recovery time than a hysterectomy.

You don't need a hysterectomy for sterilisation! Tubal ligation or clips is a day case, but I agree vasectomy is much simpler and doesnt require general anaesthetic.

[TatianaBis]

@scaevola

Bodily autonomy matters.

If he does not want to have his fertility surgically removed, no matter how inconvenient that is to you, it is a decision that must be respected.

It is a procedure with 10% chance of the serious, enduring complications (these lasting months, requiring more surgery to fix, or causing pain that may persist even externally de-nervation). No one should be cajoled, blackmailed or whatever into taking those risks if they are disinclined so to do.

Which does not solve your contraceptive question, OP. But then again, neither with mithering him about his reasons. People can and should exercise bodily autonomy without need to justify their choice, even to a spouse.

Bodily autonomy does indeed matter. And tacit coercion into continuing to take contraceptive pills/implant sterilisation because you refuse to discuss taking control of your own fertility, when that responsibility has been borne by your DP for the entire relationship, is unacceptable.

Vasectomy has its risks as does childbirth, and indeed oral/injected contraception.

OP you must not let yourself be passively pressured into further contraception or sterilisation.

[Jeanswithanicetop]

@IdblowJonSnow

I tthink he is being selfish, particularly as he won't even discuss it with you.
How much do our bodies go through from pregnancy and childbirth. I'm not saying you should pressure him but he could at least look into it or be proactive about other possibilities.

I agree with this

We’ve got 2 DC and knew we didn’t want more. After the last one was born DH offered - we talked about it, he booked it and then had it done. Sore for a few days then fine. I had a horrendous time on the Pill years ago (thrush, irregular bleeding, low mood), two difficult pregnancies/labours (with a mc in between) so it was the least he could do tbh.

If men want to ejaculate without consequence maybe they need to put some thought and effort into their partner’s comfort and health.

[Quartz2208]

The problem is here there is no solution so you are going to have to work it out

Neither of you like condoms - why, this is a fairly easy option to look into and not all are the same. It certainly is in the short term the easiest solution in order for you to have safe sex.

You dont want to have your body pumped with hormones - understand and fine.

Then down to him - he thinks you being sterlised is too extreme - why?

Then he also doesnt want to have the snip either.

[DaisyHeadMaisey]

If my DH took this attitude then an unwanted pregnancy wouldn't be an issue because I couldn't bring myself to have sex with someone so selfish.

In my experience men who take this attitude are usually done having babies with their wives/partner, but are thinking about future relationships.

[speakout]

I am with your OH.

[MrsBotibolsCruise]

I’m in a similar option to you OP. It’s disappointing and maybe a little selfish of your OH but other posters are right, you can’t force him to have a medical procedure. I hate how that’s an easy get-out clause tho, shifting responsibility onto the woman. As it ever was.

Have you thought about the Jaydess IUS? It’s the lowest hormone level of any of the IUS’s. I’ve had no issues with it though I had none with the Mirena either. The copper coil can cause excessive pain and bleeding, which is what I found.

I know it’s beside the point, I’m just considering the least-bad option for you.

[TheGoodEnoughWife]

@speakout what do you think the solution is then? They just don't have sex?

[Jeanswithanicetop]

@MrsBotibolsCruise

I’m in a similar option to you OP. It’s disappointing and maybe a little selfish of your OH but other posters are right, you can’t force him to have a medical procedure. I hate how that’s an easy get-out clause tho, shifting responsibility onto the woman. As it ever was.

Have you thought about the Jaydess IUS? It’s the lowest hormone level of any of the IUS’s. I’ve had no issues with it though I had none with the Mirena either. The copper coil can cause excessive pain and bleeding, which is what I found.

I know it’s beside the point, I’m just considering the least-bad option for you.

But this is a medical procedure. Why should OP have something inserted up inside her cervix so that her H doesn’t have to worry?

[lockdownalli]

I would say that's fine, no snip, no sex.

[MonochromeMinnie]

@AtSwimTwoBerts

No, it is not selfish to not want to undergo a voluntary medical procedure

It is when you expect someone else to deal with it all when they have already had years of contraception and produced 2 humans for you out of their body.

He's a selfish prick and I would not be having sex with him again

This ^^. I'd be telling him if he wants sex it will be double condoms to be on the safe side. Men like him have no comprehension of what women put our bodies through for contraception, pregnancy and labour. The least he could do is take a share of the responsibility for once!

[PassionPeach]

Female sterilisation is done laparoscopically now. You can be in and out in half an hour, under general anaesthetic. The hardest part about it is getting your GP to refer you for it, but if you've had kids it should be easy enough. If you do get it and are 100% sure you are done with kids, get a bilateral salpingectomy (removal of the fallopian tubes) as it removes the risk of ectopic pregnancies and has been studied to potentially lower the risks of ovarian cancers. They are also easy to recover from I've heard and leave minimal scarring. Other procedures work too, but salpingectomies are considered the gold standard these days.

Female sterilisation is NOT a hysterectomy btw, and getting sterilised will not cause the menopause. You will have normal periods, you just wont be able to have more kids. But to the AIBU - YABU imo. I am in the same situation. Neither me or my partner want children, and we did discuss him getting a vasectomy, but at the end of the day, it was me who wanted sterilisation more than him. If we split up, I'd still not want kids with whoever I ended up. I wouldn't expect him to do something like that for my benefit. Look into a bisalp and read up on bodily autonomy.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

Well fine. No snip no sex.

[WanderingMilly]

Well, you asked him to have the snip and he said no, you have to accept that. It could be for all sorts of reasons, some of which may be illogical, but it's his body, his choice.

However, it's also your body, your choice. You do not have to accept pumping your body full of hormones either. Many, many years ago I went through the same scenario but I chose to be sterilised, and I'm glad I did it. It wasn't a big operation and I felt happier that I'd chosen for myself, rather than depending upon someone else...if that makes sense.

Even further down the line, when I was having period problems I went back to the GP and asked for a total hysterectomy. They were very reluctant, argued over it and told me it was a big operation etc., but I eventually got my way since I explained I was already sterilised so having children had ceased to be an option previously. I did have the hysterectomy, it was the best operation I've ever had, cleared up loads of problems and, in later years, I sailed easily through the menopause without a single issue.

I didn't keep the husband though, he became an ex....!

[99victoria]

I don't understand why condoms get such a bad press. I had a diaphragm fitted after my first but it was such a palaver we switched over to condoms and used them for about 10 years between child 2 and 3 and then afterwards for a while before my OH did get the snip.

I loved them - all the mess is contained and if I couldn't be bothered to go to the bathroom afterwards I didn't have to - just turned over and fell asleep (like a man:) )

[peak2021]

An operation which might be discomforting for a couple of weeks versus perhaps another 10-15 years of medication or very invasive surgery. DH is being unreasonable.

[MiddlesexGirl]

No way would I do it - so he's not being unreasonable. Regardless of whether he doesn't want children now it's too final. Who knows what's going to happen in the next 5, 10, 20 years? A little different for women as menopause will hit sooner or later but I'd still not want to be sterilised ahead of time.

[Murtaghjames]

I really don't understand men like this at all.Is he selfish generally. I think it's a lack of respect for you to not get the snip. I would see it as its his turn now and man up. Your are the mother of his 2DC,you have gone through pregnancy and childbirth but yet he can't get a tiny little operation for his family. No snip, no sex.

[Lockheart]

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Assuming that you want to have a healthy and active sex life together, you will both need to work towards a compromise of some sort. You both need to be happy and secure in your contraceptive choice, whatever you decide as a couple.

You mention you both don't like condoms. I would start here, as they're the easiest option. What don't you like about them? How many brands and styles have you tried? Condoms are a bit like bras, in that they come in lots of different shapes and sizes, but most people will grab a pack of Durex one-size-fits-some from Boots because it's easiest, even though they may be too large / too small / the wrong shape. So as a starting point, I would research the varieties of condoms available and try some, and see if you can find ones you get on with. There are also female condoms, although these are much less common.

There are other barrier methods available, such as the diaphragm or contraceptive sponge. I would really advise looking into these. They're not great for spontaneity, but you could use a combination of these and condoms, and switch between the two.

If you don't want to take hormonal contraception, neither of you like condoms, and your partner doesn't want a vasectomy, then you need to explore different barrier methods.

I don't advocate the rhythm method, I would only say that if you did go down that route then for gods sake have a conversation about what would happen if you got pregnant BEFORE you start.

[poppycat10]

A lot of people always say "women have to go through childbirth so men can do a little thing like the snip". And that is true but vasectomies can and do go wrong (happened to BIL) so I would never judge a man for not wanting one when there are other options available. And I definitely think saying a man has to have the snip because he or you or both don't like condoms is a bit childish. But if you really hate condoms than a copper IUD or a cap are worth considering.

Frankly, I'd not find someone so selfish sexy and would not be interested in DTD it's really not selfish although I do think he should discuss his reasons why - that aspect of this would annoy me.

[addicted2spaniels]

I was told when our last baby was born that I couldn't have more pregnancies.

DH went to our GP, and had a vasectomy when our baby was 8 weeks old.

Because he's responsible, and a considerate partner.

I couldn't have sex with someone who had the attitude that contraception was my job.

[OliverBabish]

I feel strongly about this.

DH had been saying he was going to get it done after DC2. He didn’t. I’m pregnant with DC3 (it takes two, obviously) but I really have given my body over at this point (and its had ENOUGH) and him getting it done is now a dealbreaker for me.

No snip, no respect, no prospect for a long and happy marriage. I’d always resent him.

[MrsBotibolsCruise]

@Jeanswithanicetop I suppose it comes down to the individual circumstances of the OP, how she reacts to hormonal contraception, her relationship and where they are willing to make compromises. I only mentioned the IUS as I have personally found it really useful and is a lower dose of hormones if that is the OPs main concern.

[ittakes2]

You can learn about natural family planning where you watch your body signs and avoid times of the month when you are fertile.
Both my friend and my sister had this conversation with their hubbys after they had two children each. Both hubbys said no. Both woman fell pregnant with a third child. Both hubbys then had the snip.

[Lockheart]

@MonochromeMinnie

Never ever double up on condoms. It increases the risk of them splitting.

You should only ever wear one condom at a time!