Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH refusing to have the snip

441 replies

FirstladyKirkman · 27/02/2021 10:50

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

OP posts:
oil0W0lio · 27/02/2021 18:20

It's just a bit final to me and sad
it's not a reason it's just him saying any old thing to shut you up so he can go back to enjoying the football
like you brush away an annoying insect

BurtonHouse · 27/02/2021 18:22

Cross post. It sounds as though dh is not 100% adamant about not having any more kids, which may throw a slightly different light on things. So either you make a permanent decision for yourself if you ARE adamant or he sucks it up and uses condoms.
Fwiw, a friend was determined that, after 3 kids, it was her husband's responsibility. Unfortunately whatever contraception they were using failed and she became pregnant. She was understandably upset, but then had a miscarriage, which was very upsetting too. Sadly nature isn't interested in fairness.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 18:27

[quote Cornettoninja]@Cokie3 - you’re very aggressive. ‘Calling me out’, on what? Not agreeing with you - well done?

I stand by everything I’ve posted. I don’t agree with you and I don’t think you’ve made anything approaching a good argument to back up your point (although kudos for advertising vasectomy reversals for someone). You’ve resorted to getting into semantics to try and deflect from defending your own stance. You think it’s fine to dictate someone else’s body, I don’t. That’s what it boils down to.

Here you go, have a >>>sorry. Feel free to apply that to whatever you like if it reduces your blood pressure.[/quote]
Lol Still gaslighting and cowardice because you haven't the courage to admit 'mostly' is not 'guarantee'. You've made NO attempt at an argument anywhere at this thread, only lie, verbal, misrepresent and then gaslight. I actually feel embarrassed and sorry for you that you can't admit you lied and were publicly caught in that lie.

Biscuit
rawalpindithelabrador · 27/02/2021 18:28

@oil0W0lio

It's just a bit final to me and sad it's not a reason it's just him saying any old thing to shut you up so he can go back to enjoying the football like you brush away an annoying insect
Yep. He doesn't give a shit as long as he gets to keep squirting away.
IWantT0BreakFree · 27/02/2021 18:31

If this situation were reversed and DH was asking us if his DW was being unreasonable for not getting sterilised, there'd be a huge uproar on here (rightly so)

This is incomparable and the "role reversal" argument does not work. At all. There is zero physical risk to a man in the event of an unwanted pregnancy. For a woman, physical risks can range from mental illness to life changing birth injuries to mastitis to paralysis etc, even death. When a woman like OP asks her partner to consider a vasectomy, she is saying "I have risked my health for decades to prevent unwanted pregnancies and then further risk to bring our children into the world. Will you now please accept a small level of risk in order to spare me from another X years at risk of much greater harm so that we may continue to have a sex life?". When a man asks a woman to have a sterilisation, he's just saying "I know you've already taken on all of the risks associated with pregnancy and childbirth but I'd like you undergo yet more medical treatment and risk because I'm not willing to accept ANY myself, although I'd like to still have sex with you".

I'd 100% end my marriage over this. It's so much bigger than a vasectomy or sex. It's a man telling you that he doesn't value your safety or wellbeing, and that whilst he was happy to see you risk your life to provide him with a family, he isn't willing to do anything at all to reduce your risk of further harm when it's within his power to do so. It's not the way you treat a person that you love and treasure.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/02/2021 18:41

@Cokie3 @Cornettoninja

I think it's clear you aren't going to agree on this, maybe best to move on from derailing now?

Hope you're OK OP. He cut off mid conversation to comment on the football? Ugh.

lightand · 27/02/2021 18:47

@FirstladyKirkman

So.. I said to him:

Me: I'm going to the GPs to ask for sterilisation.

Him: (makes face) Really? Is that something you really want to do?

Me: Well, you've completely poopooed the snip, I don't want to have to pump anymore hormones into my body, so unless you want to use condoms we are a bit stuck aren't we? Can I ask the reason you are so against a vasectomy? Is it the surgery? Is it your manhood being taken away from you? Because up until now you've just got angry and said no without a reason. You don't want any more kids do you?

Him: Well no, but either way it's a bit final. Yes, I don't want anymore but to actually have that decision made for you, and that's it done. It's just a bit final to me and sad.

Me: Well, you do know a vasectomy can be reversed if needs be?

Him: Can they? Oh. Well. I just don't... Oh how the fuck didn't you score that?!! (watching football!)

Well, atleast I got an actual reason out of him. 🤷‍♀️

Yes, as I suspected, he isnt actually totally absolutely sure of no more children. Which is fair enough. It is a very big step. As I mentioned DH and I went down the sterilization route. I was sure, as my body would have struggled with yet another pregnancy. And if anything happened to me in life, well death, then it left the situation open for DH, for more kids, if DH were to find someone else after I had gone.
lightand · 27/02/2021 18:48

Feel free to DM me if you want to, op.

rawalpindithelabrador · 27/02/2021 18:58

He wants to keep his options open.

Seems like a lot of women put their OH's ability to father even more kids above their own - 'If I die, I want OH to have yet more kids with someone else.' What an odd way to think. Wouldn't you want him to focus first and foremost on the kids he's already got? Why the obsession of needing to procreate with every 'partner' you get with?

HowManyTimesHaveIToldYou · 27/02/2021 19:01

Jeanswithanicetop

"The whole ‘my body my choice’ is valid, but only women can bear children, and while we both wanted children, I didn’t ‘choose’ to have to stop the car to be sick on the way to work, or to have to see my GP about my piles, or to shit myself while in labour. I didn’t ‘choose’ to have mastitis and 3 courses of antibiotics while breastfeeding.

If a man can’t appreciate what a woman’s body goes through, and make a decision that for once HE has to bear some discomfort to make sure his partner is comfortable, he just isn’t a very nice person. He’s putting his need to have the sex he wants over the health and comfort of his partner.

What kind of person would do that?"

Well Said

Osirus
"And riddled with potential long term side effects, including chronic pain. Is this what you would want for your other half?

Something like 10% suffer these side effects. It’s actually quite a risky procedure."

Where is this 10% crap coming from?

WWJackieWeaverD · 27/02/2021 19:08

OK, he's keeping his options open. Either with you (the possibility that he might be able to persuade you off he did decide he wrote wanted another) or without with you. No way of knowing which scenario he's really got in mind as the possibility but let's hope - on balance - it's the former! To be fair it does sound like it if he's also raised an eyebrow at you being sterilised.

Personal question, and sorry if I've missed it, but what are you doing for contraception at the moment? I'm assuming that you're still having sex and that you are doing something yourself as I can't imagine he'd be so blasé about it if you had put a stop to sex until this is solved, or were making him use condoms (which he doesn't like).

If so, I think it's time to stop and really make him 'feel' this problem. He's obviously not going to listen to your words.

Cornettoninja · 27/02/2021 19:22

Lol. Okay @Cokie3, whatever you need to think.

WWJackieWeaverD · 27/02/2021 19:23

Forgive my many typos!

FluffyMcWuffy · 27/02/2021 19:27

What are his reasons for not having the snip? My husband had it done after our second child. He was nervous about it but recognised that as I had carried and birthed two children plus had my body and brain permanently changed due to such that the least he could do was have his tubes tied. He was nervous that his ability to feel sexual pleasure would be impacted by it but after some research came to the conclusion that that thought was his masculine ego talking rather than a rational mind. Could your husband be thinking the same? It’s great having a husband with a vasectomy! Sex is more spontaneous for us and feels more natural. If anything we have more sex now- I wonder if your husband thinks what’s the point if you are not having sex atm. I think you need to explore his reasoning more, there’s something amiss here.

diddl · 27/02/2021 19:29

I don't think that he's keeping his options open, I think he just doesn't want the op.

Perhaps if he stalls enough, Op will have to sort it out?Hmm

I mean she's the one who would get pregnant, which I guess is why a lot of men don't think about it & expect the woman just to sort this stuff out.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/02/2021 19:36

I think he sounds selfish and I'd refuse sex tbh. You've done your bit. It's time he stepped up or keep using condoms.

8obbingabout · 27/02/2021 19:39

Typical selfish man

Simple. No snip? No sex Smile

Kaboomba · 27/02/2021 19:42

I'm pregnant with our third, a lockdown surprise. We know we're finished now and hubby immediately said he'll have the snip. Problem is he is overweighted unlikely it'll be done on the NHS but he is now looking at going private to have it done and paying for it.

I had been on the pill since I was 12, ive grown 2 gorgeous boys and about to have another, ive been cut open 3 times to enable me to do this, I've suffered PND each time and suspect it'll be know different this time. If he out right refused to have the snip then we wouldn't be married anymore.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 27/02/2021 19:45

Conversely Selfish woman, expects him to undergo a surgical procedure
He can also withhold sex,no snip.no sex.😀

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 19:51

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Conversely Selfish woman, expects him to undergo a surgical procedure He can also withhold sex,no snip.no sex.😀
What an edgy idea, that a woman is selfish for asking for some of the contraceptive responsibility to be shared.

It’s been covered on the other 15 pages of the thread, you should check it out

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 27/02/2021 19:57

Of course contraception is shared. Imposing a surgical intervention isn’t sharing
If he doesn’t want to have the surgery he doesn’t have to. Nor does she
I’m simply illustrating the stupidity of asinine statements like no sex.no snip
He can’t be coerced into a treatment because op wants it.

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 20:05

She’s not imposing, she asked him to consider one. He said no. He was happy enough to impose pregnancies and births on OP, who has had the injection and tried a coil. Could you elaborate on why she’s a ‘selfish woman’ for that? Hardly on a par with his attitude is it

Twisty333 · 27/02/2021 20:33

I guess he wants to keep his options open in case he decides to have more kids down the line. I would suggest copper coil.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 27/02/2021 20:38

He was happy enough to impose pregnancies and births on OP
She appears to have been an active participant in choosing to be a mum
Unless you’re suggesting she was imposed upon,coerced into being pg? Can you elaborate upon He was happy enough to impose pregnancies and births on OP

MrsMarrio · 27/02/2021 20:49

This really reminds me of my next door neighbours. They had one child who was 7, they were happy with one and didn’t really want anymore. But the wife said she no longer wanted to be on hormonal contraception and as she had carried the baby, haemorrhaged in childbirth then the husband should be the one to have the permanent medical procedure. She came off contraception and husband didn’t get the snip ... they had twins! Husband got the snip shortly after 😂