DH refusing to have the snip

[FirstladyKirkman]

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

I feel sorry for women who have to undergo operations because their partners after bearing children, because their partners won’t

After 40 a woman is unlikely to get pregnant even if she decided to have her tubes untied. It's really not the same as a vasectomy.

I feel sorry for women who are in an unequal partnership and who don't care about them going through an invasive procedure under General Anaesthetic Soontobe60. Any man who wouldn't have the snip to save you going through that, is no catch. That's for sure. Am sure glad my DH realised what I went through, and stood up to his responsibilities. I would hate to have a husband who left me to take the risk.

If this situation were reversed and DH was asking us if his DW was being unreasonable for not getting sterilised, there'd be a huge uproar on here (rightly so)

My body, my choice works both ways. So yes YABU to expect him to have the snip against his wishes. One would hope you don't force the issue, as I'm sure it would be considered controlling behaviour if the roles were reversed.

YANBU to suggest it. He doesn't want to do it, so you need an alternative. He can't stop you getting sterilised if that's the route you wish to take - your body, your choice

Good luck with whichever option you both decide to go for.

I was under the assumption for years that my OH would have the snip after our second child. He gave me that impression but never said directly.

The fact that when I brought it up he refused outright was the first time in 16 years I considered leaving.

Still here, but things are piling up

@Dinnafashyersel that's not quite right. A woman becomes les less likely to conceive and carry a healthy pregnancy to term in her 40s but conceiving and miscarrying is hardly unlikely.

It’s working fine @Cokie3, but as you’ve asked i don’t consider a website selling vasectomy reversals as an unbiased source. Besides the fact that higher rates of success come with caveats about how long it’s been since the original procedure.

Shifting the goalposts to argue that it’s acceptable to demand that someone consider having two invasive procedures to possibly preserve their own fertility for the purpose of contraception isn’t any more acceptable to me. Why on earth would you think that’s a good answer? No one has any right to dictate anyone else’s fertility or bodily autonomy full stop.

“After 40 a woman is unlikely to get pregnant even if she decided to have her tubes untied”

Errrm what?

@FirstladyKirkman

Had the Mirena and had it taken out after a year. Was in so much pain (not medical emergency pain) but it was horrible.

Had the implant. Turned me evil, and I mean evil!

Tried Nuvaring. Weirdest experience ever.

Depo is the only thing that works for me but because of family history of osteoporosis they won't keep me in it 🙄

Then they'll suggest copper coil. You might not be able to get NHS funding for female sterilisation at all.

@Cornettoninja

It’s working fine *@Cokie3*, but as you’ve asked i don’t consider a website selling vasectomy reversals as an unbiased source. Besides the fact that higher rates of success come with caveats about how long it’s been since the original procedure.

Shifting the goalposts to argue that it’s acceptable to demand that someone consider having two invasive procedures to possibly preserve their own fertility for the purpose of contraception isn’t any more acceptable to me. Why on earth would you think that’s a good answer? No one has any right to dictate anyone else’s fertility or bodily autonomy full stop.

Lol Who is shifting the goalposts?

For the third time, I did not 'guarantee'. Now you are talking about websites, I guess to try to cover up for you mistake. It won't work and I will call it out. You said: You’re trying to claim guarantee that even a doctor wouldn’t

Now, put up or shut up. Where did I 'claim guarantee'?

I guaranteed NOTHING. I even posted PROOF of this. So now, you move on to talking about websites. You made the accusation I 'claimed guarantee'.

I did not. And you know it, you are simply not big enough to admit you didn't read my post properly.

The whole ‘my body my choice’ is valid, but only women can bear children, and while we both wanted children, I didn’t ‘choose’ to have to stop the car to be sick on the way to work, or to have to see my GP about my piles, or to shit myself while in labour. I didn’t ‘choose’ to have mastitis and 3 courses of antibiotics while breastfeeding.

If a man can’t appreciate what a woman’s body goes through, and make a decision that for once HE has to bear some discomfort to make sure his partner is comfortable, he just isn’t a very nice person. He’s putting his need to have the sex he wants over the health and comfort of his partner.

What kind of person would do that?

That's not the point I was making. A man could choose to father children as a pensioner (see Mick Jagger and co). A woman can't. A woman of 40 getting sterilised to prevent a future risky pregnancy is not the same as a man of 40 giving up potentially 30+ years of fertility.

FWIW I have never used hormonal contraceptives and despite both being in our 50s and married for 30 years we do not have DC coming out our ears. I had DD3 as a very happy "plan and see what happens" in my 40s.

It bothers me somewhat that in this day and age couples would rather medicalise fertility than manage it.

No snip, no sex

@Cokie3 I’m not grasping at anything, you’re not big enough to own the implications of the statements that you’ve posted. And you’re not addressing the fact you posted a website selling reversals as a good source to prove why a reversal is no big deal.

If you don’t think the information you posted is ‘guaranteed’ then how on earth can you think that’s a reasonable expectation for someone to base a decision on?

You’re the one who brought it up and seemingly can’t defend it.

I feel for you OP. I think he is being selfish.

You're a couple, you have children together. You are the one who has facilitated both contraception and bringing children into the world. It is the very least he can do. Unless his desire for no more children is so fickle he is happy to leave all that to you also?

His 'not happening' comment speaks volumes to his immaturity. Is it some ridiculous macho narrative or is he afraid of the procedure? Either way he really needs to grow up and take some responsibility.

Btw my husband had a vasectomy after our second child was born. No persuasion or negotiation needed. It was a mature decision taken in the context of a loving relationship and respect for each other.

My DH hasn’t had the snip. We used condoms and I took the pill for a few years. I had a Mirena coil fitted and went crazy, so had it taken out. Some men end up with lifelong chronic pain after the snip. I’m now post menopausal so all good.

@Jillypots

No, you’re not selfish at all. And the snip is a much less serious operation, with a far shorter recovery time than a hysterectomy.

And riddled with potential long term side effects, including chronic pain. Is this what you would want for your other half?

Something like 10% suffer these side effects. It’s actually quite a risky procedure.

Compared with 24% for tubal ligation which also needs a general rather than a local.

And don’t get me started on childbirth.

[quote Cornettoninja]@Cokie3 I’m not grasping at anything, you’re not big enough to own the implications of the statements that you’ve posted. And you’re not addressing the fact you posted a website selling reversals as a good source to prove why a reversal is no big deal.

If you don’t think the information you posted is ‘guaranteed’ then how on earth can you think that’s a reasonable expectation for someone to base a decision on?

You’re the one who brought it up and seemingly can’t defend it.[/quote]
You are gaslighting instead facing up to the fact you were caught out in a lie.

You said I made a 'guarantee'.

I did no such thing. I even reposted a post of mine that PROVES I made no such guarantee.

You've been caught in a lie and are too cowardly to admit it. So you deflect and gaslight your dishonesty and cowardice onto me. Again, it won't work and I am calling you out on it. My own post date-stamped Sat 27-Feb-21 15:25:43 proves it. 'Mostly' is not a guarantee. Either you know that and are outright lying and are gaslighting and shifting the goalposts now I posted proof, or you are that simple you actually think 'mostly' and 'guarantee' are the same thing. One or the other.

Isn’t it wild that it’s the year 2021 and we are having this argument because there isn’t contraception for men yet because they couldn’t hack the side effects

Isn't it wild that people post this without knowing what they are talking about.

So.. I said to him:

Me: I'm going to the GPs to ask for sterilisation.

Him: (makes face) Really? Is that something you really want to do?

Me: Well, you've completely poopooed the snip, I don't want to have to pump anymore hormones into my body, so unless you want to use condoms we are a bit stuck aren't we? Can I ask the reason you are so against a vasectomy? Is it the surgery? Is it your manhood being taken away from you? Because up until now you've just got angry and said no without a reason. You don't want any more kids do you?

Him: Well no, but either way it's a bit final. Yes, I don't want anymore but to actually have that decision made for you, and that's it done. It's just a bit final to me and sad.

Me: Well, you do know a vasectomy can be reversed if needs be?

Him: Can they? Oh. Well. I just don't... Oh how the fuck didn't you score that?!! (watching football!)

Well, atleast I got an actual reason out of him. 🤷‍♀️

Not rtf, but I wonder how many posters have been sterilised? (Ha, that just auto corrected to stabilised!)
I had it done over 30 years ago - in and out in an afternoon, one keyhole incision by my navel, one day off work and absolutely no after effects at all.
The relief of never having to worry about contraception or pregnancy again was immense. DH would have had a vasectomy (his father had had one and was fine) but I wanted to take responsibility for my own body and have absolute certainty.
Mind you, if I was married to your husband my fanny would have sealed over with disgust at his attitude so contraception wouldn't be a problem.

Vasectomy is and should be considered a permanent form of contraception. This was made clear to my DH when he went for the consultation. Successful reversal is not guaranteed. A man can freeze sperm before undergoing it (at his expense) but it should not be undertaken without the understanding that it's permanent.

What are you going to do if the GP tells you that your trust doesn't fund female sterilisation?

@Cokie3 - you’re very aggressive. ‘Calling me out’, on what? Not agreeing with you - well done?

I stand by everything I’ve posted. I don’t agree with you and I don’t think you’ve made anything approaching a good argument to back up your point (although kudos for advertising vasectomy reversals for someone). You’ve resorted to getting into semantics to try and deflect from defending your own stance. You think it’s fine to dictate someone else’s body, I don’t. That’s what it boils down to.

Here you go, have a >>>sorry. Feel free to apply that to whatever you like if it reduces your blood pressure.

A man could choose to father children as a pensioner
yeah but come on, what fertile woman would want to waste her eggs on the low quality old man sperm to appease the vanity of said old man?!
If I was fertile and wanted to have children I'd want vigorous young sperm not those half dead malfunctioning ones!