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Original poster

DH refusing to have the snip

441 replies

FirstladyKirkman · 27/02/2021 10:50

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 27/02/2021 15:47

*not rinse, find

Weird auto correct

TatianaBis · 27/02/2021 15:48

@StonedRoses

Fifteen percent rate of chronic severe debilitating testicular pain post op. It’s not something that’s often mentioned. I’m a male doctor and I’m afraid I wouldn’t go for it knowing that. For most it’s a very minor day case procedure but for a significant (and unpredictable number) it has serious side effects
Fully respect anyone’s right not to have invasive medical procedures.

In the situation that you don’t want a snip and your partner doesn’t want to take contraception or have a sterilisation, wwyd? Stick to condoms?

If she was wary of condoms due to possibility of failure, would you be content with abstention?

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 15:49

@StonedRoses

Fifteen percent rate of chronic severe debilitating testicular pain post op. It’s not something that’s often mentioned. I’m a male doctor and I’m afraid I wouldn’t go for it knowing that. For most it’s a very minor day case procedure but for a significant (and unpredictable number) it has serious side effects
@StonedRoses

The risk is 1-2%. Btw, the risk of something going wrong in childbirth is 14%.

"With approximately 500,000 vasectomies performed each year in the United States, 1–2% of these patients will experience chronic testicular pain for greater than three months after the procedure. Post-vasectomy pain syndrome (PVPS) is diagnosis of exclusion, and may be caused by direct damage to spermatic cord structures, compression of nerves in the spermatic cord via inflammation, back pressure from epididymal congestion, and perineural fibrosis. Treatment should begin with the most noninvasive options and progress towards surgical management if symptoms persist. Noninvasive therapies include acupuncture, pelvic floor therapy and pharmacologic options." www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5503923/

Cameleongirl · 27/02/2021 15:49

@StonedRoses

Fifteen percent rate of chronic severe debilitating testicular pain post op. It’s not something that’s often mentioned. I’m a male doctor and I’m afraid I wouldn’t go for it knowing that. For most it’s a very minor day case procedure but for a significant (and unpredictable number) it has serious side effects
All medical interventions carry some risks. DH’s cousin had a stroke caused by the hormonal contraception she was using. She was fit, early-30’s, considered low-risk-but she was the unlucky person who reacted badly to it.
kunterbunting · 27/02/2021 15:50

OP, it's actually a crap situation for you, and I feel for you (been there, done that).

XH and I ended up having no PIV sex for several years before we separated, because we never found a contraceptive method that suited us both, and we didn't want any more children. I refused to use hormonal contraception, and he hated condoms. Neither of us would have wanted to be sterilised. So the only option was no sex (which is a rubbish option, and led to other problems).

I can sort of see why your DH feels the way he does. Even now, when I'm too old to have any more children, I would find a man firing blanks extremely unsexy, and would not want to have sex with him. This is presumably atavistic - but I wonder if your husband feels that he would somehow be less attractive if he were sterile?

I know that doesn't solve any of your problems, though...

FixTheBone · 27/02/2021 15:51

[quote Cokie3]@Cornettoninja What's with this 'permanent'? Vasectomy is (mostly, before you start in) REVERSIBLE.

Guess what? Tubal Ligation isn't.[/quote]
55% success at reversal 3 year post vasectomy.

I guess technically that is mostly reversible...... in the same way that 52:48 was an overwhelming majority.

Cornettoninja · 27/02/2021 15:51

[quote Cokie3]@Cornettoninja Seriously? Find a Doctor who would perform a Tubal Ligation with the guarantee that it will work? Or that it won't get infected.

Or that cancer treatments work.

Or a guarantee of ANY medical or surgical treatment will work and have no risks? You're clutching at straws now. The fact is that Vasectomies are mostly reversible. TL isn't.[/quote]
I’m clutching at straws? Grin

You’re talking out your arse

Cameleongirl · 27/02/2021 15:52

@kunterbunting. Sex with a man firing blanks is no different to sex with a fertile man! I did wonder if it would affect anything but can honestly say that DH is as horny and performs just as well as he did pre-surgery.🤣

FixTheBone · 27/02/2021 15:53

@kunterbunting

OP, it's actually a crap situation for you, and I feel for you (been there, done that).

XH and I ended up having no PIV sex for several years before we separated, because we never found a contraceptive method that suited us both, and we didn't want any more children. I refused to use hormonal contraception, and he hated condoms. Neither of us would have wanted to be sterilised. So the only option was no sex (which is a rubbish option, and led to other problems).

I can sort of see why your DH feels the way he does. Even now, when I'm too old to have any more children, I would find a man firing blanks extremely unsexy, and would not want to have sex with him. This is presumably atavistic - but I wonder if your husband feels that he would somehow be less attractive if he were sterile?

I know that doesn't solve any of your problems, though...

I find the firing blanks comment really weird... how would you know?

Does the same apply once you've gone through the menopause? Fine for your partner to lose interest and go elsewhere?

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 15:53

@FixTheBone Where did you get that from? The information I have is 73% reversal success. And that simply means 73% chance the woman is able to get pregnant after. It doesn't mean there is a problem with the sperm count.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 15:55

@Cornettoninja I think you're the one talking out of your arse, when you stretch to 'guarantees', when we both know full well no Doctor will do anything while giving you a '100% guarantee' of anything. Grin

scaevola · 27/02/2021 15:58

You need to check whether reversal rate refers to patent tubes or pregnancy achieved. The first figure is normally substantially higher than the second, because some men start to produce anti sperm antibodies after vasectomy

No one should ever be sterilised on the assumption that a procedure can be reversed.

HowManyTimesHaveIToldYou · 27/02/2021 15:59

[quote Cameleongirl]@kunterbunting. Sex with a man firing blanks is no different to sex with a fertile man! I did wonder if it would affect anything but can honestly say that DH is as horny and performs just as well as he did pre-surgery.🤣[/quote]
Exactly this. I had the snip 6 years ago, after our second. I'm early 50's and can assure you that I'm just as horny as ever.

If anything, the greater protection than, say condoms, (Mrs HowManyTimesHaveIToldYou didn't want to go back on the pill) means we are both more relaxed, which is always a good thing Wink

Hesma · 27/02/2021 16:03

“My body, my choice” applies to men as well as women but have you considered that he may be scared but doesn’t want to let on which is why he’s dismissive? You need to rationally and all through all if your options but don’t get cross with him straight away.

AIMD · 27/02/2021 16:07

He is unreasonable not to have a fair and balanced conversation with you about how you are both going to prevent a future unwanted pregnancy. He is unreasonable to assume you will continue to take responsibility for contraception and put things in your body when he won’t even have a conversation about the snip.

At the end of the day it is his choice to have the snip or not, and he wouldn’t be unreasonable to say no if he really didn’t want it.

kunterbunting · 27/02/2021 16:07

[quote Cameleongirl]@kunterbunting. Sex with a man firing blanks is no different to sex with a fertile man! I did wonder if it would affect anything but can honestly say that DH is as horny and performs just as well as he did pre-surgery.🤣[/quote]
This made me laugh. I do know I'm being ridiculous, and it's all in my head. It's the kind of thing one can only say on here!

Howmanytimes, that's a good point. I am enjoying sex far more than I have ever enjoyed it, now that there's no risk of pregnancy (I'm too old) and no need to worry about contraception.

Fixthebone, I don't think I said it was fine for either party to look elsewhere. I was just giving my vague thoughts, and was wondering if the OP's husband might have something along those lines in the back of his mind.

FixTheBone · 27/02/2021 16:08

[quote Cokie3]@FixTheBone Where did you get that from? The information I have is 73% reversal success. And that simply means 73% chance the woman is able to get pregnant after. It doesn't mean there is a problem with the sperm count.[/quote]
73% is if it's done within 3 years of the original vasectomy, and drops to 55% at 3 years, then even further to 40% after 9years, and less than 10% after 20 years.

Information from the NHS.uk website, and roughly sits in line with all of the reliable sources I looked at, and conversations I had with urologists I know prior to getting my vasectomy done.

We have 7 children, so even if I ended up with a new partner (cant see it happening) I definitely don't want more. The procedure was OK, wouldn't volunteer again, but a necessary evil, I had no direct complications, but have a small amount of chronic pain, which I deem worth it. It wouldn't need to be much worse to tip the balance though.

Cornettoninja · 27/02/2021 16:09

[quote Cokie3]**@Cornettoninja* I think you're the one talking out of your arse, when you stretch to 'guarantees', when we both know full well no Doctor will do anything while giving you a '100% guarantee*' of anything. Grin[/quote]
Exactly. You’re trying to claim guarantee that even a doctor wouldn’t because you somehow know better? I think you’ve got delusions of grandeur in this case.

BreatheAndFocus · 27/02/2021 16:11

Has he said why he’s refusing? Obviously you can’t make him but you could gently lead him to the decision by discussing the options with him starting with contraceptive methods and how you feel about them, then on to sterilisation both male and female.

You don’t want to take hormones so sterilisation seems an obvious answer, but with the Male version being less serious, then an objective decision is that he should do it not you.

However, that will have to be a realisation he arrives at himself.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 16:11

@FixTheBone 90% success according to this site: www.vasectomyreversalaustralia.com.au/results.html

adventurealice · 27/02/2021 16:13

She’s trying to blackmail him into having a procedure that he really doesn’t want to have by withholding sex

Oh the misogyny. It is no such thing. First, he could wear a condom instead but apparently "doesn't want to." Second, it's her right to not have sex if the contraceptive situation isn't right.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 16:13

@Cornettoninja You are putting words in my mouth and then arguing on that false narrative. Nowhere, nowhere did I GUARANTEE it would work. I made no claim to guarantee. Go back and read my posts thoroughly before making false claims about what I said and making a fool of yourself.

lightand · 27/02/2021 16:18

@FirstladyKirkman

Apologies... Hit post by mistake!!

... My GP about sterilisation and he said that it was extreme.... But we definitely don't want anymore.

Is he being ridiculously selfish??

Does he want another baby maybe? [Not going to wade through 13 pages to find out if someone else has said the same thing]

Steralisation is extreme. Had it done myself, but very suitable for me. But the snip is nearly as extreme as far as I know.
A lot of men are squeamish about the snip.

MixedUpFiles · 27/02/2021 16:19

Pumping your body full of artificial hormones which carries all sorts of risk vs a procedure that takes a few minutes and admittedly does carry some small risk

Ultimately he doesn’t have to have the surgery, but I wouldn’t compromise on hormonal birth control either and I wouldn’t put your body through an invasive sterilization surgery when a much safer alternative is available for him and you have already carried the birth control burden for the entire relationship. I would simply stop doing anything that might result in pregnancy until he finds a way to make sure a pregnancy does not happen.

diddl · 27/02/2021 16:19

Sometimes you have to do things that you aren't keen on.

I didn't particularly want to be pregnant & give birth, but we wanted children so...

I guess my husband did particularly want to go through a vasectomy, but figured it was something he could do to save me having to iyswim.

It was a damn sight quicker than 2 pregnancies & births, I can tell you!