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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH refusing to have the snip

441 replies

FirstladyKirkman · 27/02/2021 10:50

Married 5 years, together 13. I'm 38, he's 43.

2 DDs. Eldest 6, youngest 1.5.

I have asked DH to have the snip. Apart from when having DDs and since having youngest, I have been on contraception since I was 16. Only thing that suits me is the injection. I'm super fertile, after I came off the Depo it only took two months to fall with eldest and youngest was one time after I came off. We can't afford any more children and to be perfectly honest I'm struggling with two.

Our sex life is not existent, we both hate condoms. As soon as we had youngest we both said "no more" so I asked DH if he would have the snip. He got really angry and defensive and said absolutely no way and he asked why I couldn't go back on any form of contraception. I said that I wanted to give my body a break from pumping my body full of hormones.

I mentioned last night that when covid calms down that I was going to ask my G

OP posts:
Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 16:24

@Cornettoninja In my post of 15:25:43 I even went as far as giving the caveat in this post when I said mostly, so WHERE did I 'guarantee'? Seems my disclaimer of mostly was a wasted effort as you clearly didn't read that:

Cokie3 Sat 27-Feb-21 15:25:43
@Cornettoninja What's with this 'permanent'? Vasectomy is (mostly, before you start in) REVERSIBLE.

OliverBabish · 27/02/2021 16:27

Isn’t it wild that it’s the year 2021 and we are having this argument because there isn’t contraception for men yet because they couldn’t hack the side effects

Ahh, to be a man, so strong, so tough, so unable to suffer any inconvenience

OlympicProcrastinator · 27/02/2021 16:35

“*What’s with this 'permanent'? Vasectomy is (mostly, before you start in) REVERSIBLE.

Guess what? Tubal Ligation isn't*”

It is. I have two children as a result of having my tubal ligation reversed and it has around the same success rate at vasectomy reversal. Only difference is it is not available on the NHS and it’s a more complex and invasive procedure.

TatianaBis · 27/02/2021 16:37

@OliverBabish

Isn’t it wild that it’s the year 2021 and we are having this argument because there isn’t contraception for men yet because they couldn’t hack the side effects

Ahh, to be a man, so strong, so tough, so unable to suffer any inconvenience

To be so afraid of a minor surgical procedure yet so cavalier/clueless about the risks of childbirth and contraception.
HaggisBurger · 27/02/2021 16:38

Funnily enough this is on my list of certain things that mean I don’t want to be married to my H anymore. The fact that is had three difficult pregnancies, tears, prolapse repair, various MAP after condom fails was neither here nor there. He just didn’t like the idea. It’s not a major reason - but it’s on my list.

janj2301 · 27/02/2021 16:40

I had my tubes tied, day patient proceedure.

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 16:44

@janj2301

I had my tubes tied, day patient proceedure.
Cool! So is a vasectomy
DaisyHeadMaisey · 27/02/2021 16:47

That's not exactly a small difference though is it
OlympicProcrastinator? More invasive and more complex means more risk, which of course doesn't seem to matter as it's a woman taking that risk Hmm

Soontobe60

I just can't understand how a man can watch his wife give birth to his children, enjoy the carefree sex that comes from his wife taking contraceptive pills, only to wave her off to the hospital to have a far more complex operation than he could have had himself. I'm sorry if it sounds patronising to you but yes I do feel sorry for women who go through that.

TidyOmlette · 27/02/2021 16:50

I went for sterilisation. My DH wasn’t against the snip though but I wasn’t willing to risk another pregnancy based on another humans anatomy. If you don’t want more kids you shouldn’t rely on him having a procedure to stop that.

fuzzyduck1 · 27/02/2021 16:51

Anal sex might be the answer.
I know it’s a pain in the bum but you won’t get pregnant.

Weirdlynormal · 27/02/2021 16:51

It’s not his choice that the issue, it’s the lack of discussion and weighing up of who would be best placed to have such a procedure. It just smacks of me me me, not us.

@Coffeeandcocopops ha, well he got to use the swimmers then. Punishment enough at his age Wink

Thehop · 27/02/2021 16:52

My dh won’t either, despite watching me go through hell and almost die having our dd. We’re quite happy with condone though so have found a mid ground.

Can you looo into female condoms? A cap?

AnitaB888 · 27/02/2021 16:53

I haven't read the whole thread but what wrong with an IUD ?

10 mins to insert and apart from a bit of cramping for a few days no side effects.

Sadly women have to often take the lead in contraceptive matters.

rawalpindithelabrador · 27/02/2021 16:56

@AnitaB888

I haven't read the whole thread but what wrong with an IUD ?

10 mins to insert and apart from a bit of cramping for a few days no side effects.

Sadly women have to often take the lead in contraceptive matters.

For you. There are many know side effects to the Mirena. It is known the copper coil can cause much heavier, longer and more painful periods in some users.

That's what's wrong with an IUD.

Women only have to take the lead in contraceptive matters in partnerships because they're with a dickhead for a man.

AnitaB888 · 27/02/2021 17:00

I had a coil for years, no problem

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/iud-coil/

OlympicProcrastinator · 27/02/2021 17:03

That's not exactly a small difference though is it
OlympicProcrastinator? More invasive and more complex means more risk, which of course doesn't seem to matter as it's a woman taking that risk hmm

No it’s not I only quoted the poster because she was incorrect that it wasn’t reversible.

I’d be upset if my husband, who wanted me to have children, saw what I went through to give him those children, then wouldn’t even discuss him going through a procedure.

But then I nearly died and also had to have an operation to have them in the first place so perhaps I’m strongly biased.

Jeanswithanicetop · 27/02/2021 17:04

@AnitaB888

I haven't read the whole thread but what wrong with an IUD ?

10 mins to insert and apart from a bit of cramping for a few days no side effects.

Sadly women have to often take the lead in contraceptive matters.

Of course they have side effects - they’re very well documented. As I’ve said further up the thread - I was almost sick with the pain of my Mirena insertion, for heavy periods. They had to stop several times while I caught my breath from the pain. I now have horrible neck acne, and sore boobs, and only put up with it as it has helped my periods.

My friend’s IUD fell out and she got pregnant. Another friend had a copper coil and got the heaviest periods ever.

Women should not ‘have to’ have devices inserted into a sensitive body part in an invasive vaginal procedure, so their darling husbands can ejaculate without consequence. My husband loved me and respected my body enough to realise that after witnessing two pregnancies and a miscarriage that a vasectomy was the least he could do. I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t like him.

Original poster
FirstladyKirkman · 27/02/2021 17:10

Had the Mirena and had it taken out after a year. Was in so much pain (not medical emergency pain) but it was horrible.

Had the implant. Turned me evil, and I mean evil!

Tried Nuvaring. Weirdest experience ever.

Depo is the only thing that works for me but because of family history of osteoporosis they won't keep me in it 🙄

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 27/02/2021 17:11

[quote Cokie3]**@Cornettoninja* You are putting words in my mouth and then arguing on that false narrative. Nowhere, nowhere did I GUARANTEE* it would work. I made no claim to guarantee. Go back and read my posts thoroughly before making false claims about what I said and making a fool of yourself.[/quote]
Uhuh

BigHuff · 27/02/2021 17:14

@AnitaB888

I haven't read the whole thread but what wrong with an IUD ?

10 mins to insert and apart from a bit of cramping for a few days no side effects.

Sadly women have to often take the lead in contraceptive matters.

Increasing evidence to show copper coil can cause chronic yeast infections. This happened to me and it was painful and unpleasant. Although a very effective form of birth control in itself Grin

Sadly, nothing is without side effects, and there is no one-size fits all. What worked for you might be a nightmare for someone else.

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 27/02/2021 17:16

Well what does he suggest? Because you no longer wish to take birth control.

So until he is willing to grow up and discuss viable alternatives then no more sex.

Cokie3 · 27/02/2021 17:16

Hows that 'uhuh' working out for you now that I posted proof, @Cornettoninja .

Sparklybanana · 27/02/2021 17:18

I could have written this. I said to DH that contraception was now his responsibility as I'm not putting any more hormones in my body. I refuse to have sex unless he uses a condom or have a snip. Ball is entirely in his court. I've had pills, Ivf, pregnancy losses and 3 massive babies and I've definitely done my fair share of pain. This is a partnership and there is no rule that only females get to suffer pain and fear medical procedures. I had no choice to have our family, so he has no choice if he wants to have sex again. Dh is nervous about the snip but he can't really complain after seeing what I've gone through as it's not really comparable. I was fully awake during egg collection and I have seen and felt the giant needle going in my fanjo 3 times. I'm not asking for anything anywhere near as bad, just an equal share of the responsibility for our family size. I'm am slightly more sympathetic to his face but I'm not going to have another baby, I'm not having an abortion and so I'm not going to have sex until he sorts it. It been fucking ages though. Be prepared for the long haul. I'm not forcing him, so he's taking ages to sort it.

Soontobe60 · 27/02/2021 17:19

@DaisyHeadMaisey

That's not exactly a small difference though is it OlympicProcrastinator? More invasive and more complex means more risk, which of course doesn't seem to matter as it's a woman taking that risk Hmm

Soontobe60

I just can't understand how a man can watch his wife give birth to his children, enjoy the carefree sex that comes from his wife taking contraceptive pills, only to wave her off to the hospital to have a far more complex operation than he could have had himself. I'm sorry if it sounds patronising to you but yes I do feel sorry for women who go through that.

Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m perfectly capable of making my own decisions. I’m a grown up and as far as I’m concerned, the dangers of pregnancy far outweigh a simple laparoscopic operation taking 10 minutes. I feel sorry for women who don’t take responsibility for their own bodies.
rawalpindithelabrador · 27/02/2021 17:23

[quote AnitaB888]I had a coil for years, no problem

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/iud-coil/[/quote]
That's nice, dear. So you're saying all those who've had side effects, which are printed on the leaflet that comes with the device as they are documented potential side effects, are liars then? Hmm

My coil managed to puncture my uterus. I had to have an operation to remove it. It was painful AF.

DH was already on the waiting list to have the snip.