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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take a platonic cuddle friend

181 replies

HelenaWise · 27/02/2021 01:48

My DH is a lovely man and we have a great relationship, he's great with the kids, etc. etc. The only issue is his lack of physical affection. He's always complimenting me and saying he loves me and that I look wonderful, but he just won't touch me. He's always been like this - it's just who he is. This was fine for the first few years but now I'm really starting to crave some human contact Sad We discussed this a number of times, and he says he'll do more but never does for more than a day or two. It just doesn't seem to be possible.

It's gotten so bad that I've started to think about asking my NDN for a cuddle. We're on good terms and I'm not attracted to him AT ALL but he just looks like he'd give really good cuddles. DH is fine with this in principle (we're not in UK so no covid concern), but he's worried that NDN's wife will flip if I bring this up and ruin our friendship. I didn't think this would be a big deal since we get along so well, but DH is making me think I'm a bit of a freak.

OP posts:
BrandNewBicycle · 28/02/2021 00:01

I think you should definitely do this, but only if you promise to post on here word for word exactly how the interaction goes irrespective of outcome.
In fact, could you film it?

Mummy1608 · 28/02/2021 00:27

@BiBabbles

If you're all freely physically affection, you can do more things where you are physically affectionate and see what happens and what conversations take place. That's how good affectionate friendships develop, it's not something easily rushed.

I value platonic affection maybe it's cultural or I'm just weird as but I don't see cuddling up with a friend for a movie as automatically bizarre or icky or a fetish if that's how that's developed as many others seem to but it needs to be based in mutual enjoyment of that type of companionship, not because someone is an accessible amenity. Like I said, the whole thing about it needing to be him comes across as an ulterior motive - that motive doesn't need to be sexual, just something unsaid that's unpleasant. If someone implied becoming more affectionate friends because I'm "convenient"... that would not go well. What if they move across town or just become less available and inconvenient - would you just drop it or move on to someone else? Some friendships are built on a convenient consistency, it's how many good ones start, but closer ones and affectionate ones need more than that.

You say he can 'just say no', but how would you feel if he said yes but it was just as awkward as with your spouse and wasn't at all the good/great you had in mind? Or it turned out he said yes out of a sense of duty/curiosity and didn't enjoy it as you did? What if you lose these friendship and affection you have because of this? There are more risks than just a no and that's why good affectionate friendships are built on mutual enjoyment over time - not just picking someone nearby that looks like they'll be handy for scratching an itch. Having in my younger, more naive days been 'picked' like that (and the most we did was cuddle on the couch), it really fucking hurt when the truth comes out and for my own well-being I had to withdraw all physical affection from that person - I no longer trusted them enough for that. I think affectionate friendships can be amazing and worth the time to get there, but there are risks and many ways it can go wrong as well, more so if rushed because one person wants more - especially more from someone else.

This, 100%. OP, this commenter has taken your post seriously enough to explain why you're not going the right way about this. Friendships don't progress through formal proposals, they progress organically. And they rarely progress organically to full on lengthy cuddles, because having an affair is too small a step from that, so most married friends would naturally put the brakes on before it got to that point. I don't think you're a weirdo but you haven't thought this thru properly at all
Original poster
HelenaWise · 28/02/2021 01:53

That's a really cynical interpretation. I wouldn't view him as simply an accessible amenity, but -as I said- an extension of our already existing relationship.

At any rate, it seems like the consensus is with DH :/

OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 28/02/2021 07:15

Assumedly this would be in the evening after the children are in bed?
I’d have been really heartbroken and confused if I had seen my dad cuddling up on the sofa with our next door neighbour instead of my mum.

Frequentflier · 28/02/2021 07:32

I am completely AGOG at this thread. Please hug the neighbour. I need some excitement in my life.

OfTheNight · 28/02/2021 07:45

Op just no. Cuddling is for partners only. It’s way too affectionate for friends. So weird that you can’t see the boundary?

LucyLocketsPocket · 28/02/2021 08:01

I really want you to ask him just to see what he says.

angieloumc · 28/02/2021 08:21

Again OP, why don't you cuddle your DC. Surely you'd get some 'physical intimacy' from that; you love them, they love you.

Faffandahalf · 28/02/2021 22:44

OP are you even taking on board what people are saying?

You honestly think a wife would be happy with you cuddling her husband on the sofa for over 10 min?

Your two bodies snuggling up against each other? Confused

You honestly think that is normal? I mean you really seriously think that normal married people snuggle with their married neighbours on sofas?!

What is wrong with you??

UnsolicitedDickPic · 01/03/2021 21:11

@HelenaWise

That's a really cynical interpretation. I wouldn't view him as simply an accessible amenity, but -as I said- an extension of our already existing relationship.

At any rate, it seems like the consensus is with DH :/

Haven't RTFT for everyone's comments but it sounds to me like you're building up an excuse to shag him.
BiBabbles · 01/03/2021 22:41

That's a really cynical interpretation. I wouldn't view him as simply an accessible amenity, but -as I said- an extension of our already existing relationship.

You also said it's because he's convenient - and haven't answered what would happen if he became less so - which I thought I'd made clear with my overthinking questions was my major issue when I was talking about treating someone as an accessible amenity. As the pp who quoted me kindly put it, I'm taking what you want seriously which is why I'm trying to explain better ways of doing it and the risks.

Hell yeah I'm wary of people who want affectionate friendships and give one the benefits of the person they want to be affectionate with someone as convenience both because I really value affectionate friendship when it's mutually enjoyable and because I've had the pain of finding out I was the accessible amenity to someone I thought was my friend -- who yes, I later learned also picked me because I was the right 'type' and sex and tried to blame having seen my affectionate relationship with others, including my spouse, as part of their reasoning for treating me like an expendable toy.

If you go from your current affection level to 10 minute cuddles, yeah, your DH is probably right -- it's a big jump if you're not already cuddling a bit on the couch so it's going to be weird for everyone, including the person you want to "take" as a cuddle friend - which even liking the idea of cuddle friends, I find an odd way to discuss doing this even as someone who doesn't automatically think the idea of a cuddle friend is weird.

SavageBeauty73 · 01/03/2021 22:59

This is the weirdest thread I think I've read 😂😂😂😂😂

Shnuffles · 01/03/2021 23:14

Platonic cuddle friends are not "a thing", so far as I'm aware. Well, possibly in some sort of 60s/70s-esque Californian hippie commune, but most people will be very uncomfortable if requested to be a cuddle buddy.

Why do you think a neighbour (not to mention his wife) would be more likely to want to cuddle with you than your own husband? You've said he'll do it if you ask, but you have to keep asking, because he doesn't naturally gravitate toward cuddling like you do. Well, just keep asking. Maybe make it clear to him that if he's more cuddly you might feel nurtured and be more likely to do whatever it is that he'd particularly enjoy (whether that's cooking his favourite meal or something... else).

Original poster
HelenaWise · 02/03/2021 09:35

If he moved away, and we both enjoyed the arrangement, I'd love to keep doing it. It might not be as frequent as when he lived next door, just like any aspect of a friendship, but I wouldn't just dump him like trash! I'm taking it on board that treating this lightly could hurt him, but I'm not sure I can boil this frog and just slightly extended out our hugs over a period of months until they become lengthy snuggles without him even realising it - I'd need to ask him straight out!

This is all moot since the judgement is that he'll just sell his place immediately if I try Sad

OP posts:
IsIgnoranceBliss · 02/03/2021 09:56

Would you be fine with a female friend asking your husband for extended intimate contact like this? He might not want to cuddle you, but maybe he’d be up for cuddling someone else.

toomanycremeeggs · 02/03/2021 09:59

This is the weirdest thing I've seen on here for a while !

Dodgypainting · 02/03/2021 10:11

From now on when my neighbour takes my bin to the end of the drive and wheels it back after it’s been emptied I’m going to refer to it as a neighbourly intimacy. It sounds much more glamorous than my neighbour puts my bin out. In fact if he ever forgets I’ll text him and ask if he would mind doing the usual neighbourly intimacy.

DeeCeeCherry · 02/03/2021 10:31

NDN and our family have a long history of sharing various neighbourly intimacies

OP you want to shag him. So what's with the elaborate story, really coy in some places?

This is an oddball form of limerance and you need to leave the man alone. If he wanted you, you'd know about it. Doesn't sound as if he does.

You speak as if his wife is irrelevant.

Or were you swingers before and that's all cooled off now and you miss the "neighbourly intimacy?"

I agree with a pp that you should film it, if it happens. Please include the bit where wife chases you the fuck out of their house😁

Unless of course she's going to pop over and cuddle your husband

Youllbeoldertoo · 02/03/2021 11:17

Oh op!! This has to be a joke? No do not ask your MARRIED neighbour to be you friends with cuddles 😂

Mummy1608 · 02/03/2021 23:48

@DeeCeeCherry I never knew the word limerence and had to look it up, I love learning new words. Thank you, mumsnet, always an education! 💛

angieloumc · 03/03/2021 09:37

You still haven't answered why you don't hug your children to get that close feeling. So it's clear, as a pp said and despite your protesting otherwise, that you fancy your neighbour.

EnchantedOcean · 03/03/2021 09:48

Sounds oddly intimate, and no, not in a friendly or neighbourly way. Hmm

grapewine · 03/03/2021 09:55

@thenletskeepdancing

Sorry, but if my next door neighbour wanted to cuddle my husband got extended periods on a couch, I would tell her to fuck off.
Yes!

What the hell. Do you think the wife will just be OK with this not to mention your husband?

I live alone and have incredible skin hunger - it really is a thing, and I get it - but this is too weird, OP.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/03/2021 09:57

Yeah, no.
Having a quick hug if just about be ok with but sitting in the sofa coddling for 10 minutes, that level of intimacy is not going to stay platonic

Original poster
HelenaWise · 03/03/2021 10:56

@angieloumc

You still haven't answered why you don't hug your children to get that close feeling. So it's clear, as a pp said and despite your protesting otherwise, that you fancy your neighbour.
DS1 and DS2 are teens wouldn't snuggle me if their life depended on it. Honestly it seems like DH and DC hug NDN's wife more than me!
OP posts: