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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take a platonic cuddle friend

181 replies

HelenaWise · 27/02/2021 01:48

My DH is a lovely man and we have a great relationship, he's great with the kids, etc. etc. The only issue is his lack of physical affection. He's always complimenting me and saying he loves me and that I look wonderful, but he just won't touch me. He's always been like this - it's just who he is. This was fine for the first few years but now I'm really starting to crave some human contact Sad We discussed this a number of times, and he says he'll do more but never does for more than a day or two. It just doesn't seem to be possible.

It's gotten so bad that I've started to think about asking my NDN for a cuddle. We're on good terms and I'm not attracted to him AT ALL but he just looks like he'd give really good cuddles. DH is fine with this in principle (we're not in UK so no covid concern), but he's worried that NDN's wife will flip if I bring this up and ruin our friendship. I didn't think this would be a big deal since we get along so well, but DH is making me think I'm a bit of a freak.

OP posts:
aweegc · 27/02/2021 11:55

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

Well, good neighbours should be there for one another...good neighbours become good friends.
😂😂
BiBabbles · 27/02/2021 12:04

If you're all freely physically affection, you can do more things where you are physically affectionate and see what happens and what conversations take place. That's how good affectionate friendships develop, it's not something easily rushed.

I value platonic affection maybe it's cultural or I'm just weird as but I don't see cuddling up with a friend for a movie as automatically bizarre or icky or a fetish if that's how that's developed as many others seem to but it needs to be based in mutual enjoyment of that type of companionship, not because someone is an accessible amenity. Like I said, the whole thing about it needing to be him comes across as an ulterior motive - that motive doesn't need to be sexual, just something unsaid that's unpleasant. If someone implied becoming more affectionate friends because I'm "convenient"... that would not go well. What if they move across town or just become less available and inconvenient - would you just drop it or move on to someone else? Some friendships are built on a convenient consistency, it's how many good ones start, but closer ones and affectionate ones need more than that.

You say he can 'just say no', but how would you feel if he said yes but it was just as awkward as with your spouse and wasn't at all the good/great you had in mind? Or it turned out he said yes out of a sense of duty/curiosity and didn't enjoy it as you did? What if you lose these friendship and affection you have because of this? There are more risks than just a no and that's why good affectionate friendships are built on mutual enjoyment over time - not just picking someone nearby that looks like they'll be handy for scratching an itch. Having in my younger, more naive days been 'picked' like that (and the most we did was cuddle on the couch), it really fucking hurt when the truth comes out and for my own well-being I had to withdraw all physical affection from that person - I no longer trusted them enough for that. I think affectionate friendships can be amazing and worth the time to get there, but there are risks and many ways it can go wrong as well, more so if rushed because one person wants more - especially more from someone else.

as141 · 27/02/2021 12:05

Is this for real?

aweegc · 27/02/2021 12:06

OP there's nothing wrong with wanting to be cuddled. What's happening here though seems to be that you're so starved of human physical affection (cuddles) that you're not thinking straight about this. I've been there, so no judgement.

The think is, that unless someone has been in this situation, they're not going to get it. It's pretty impossible to imagine what it feels like. And if your NDN is a good cuddler, his wife isn't going to get it.

Here are some options that individually or combined can help.

  • A cuddle pet (not human but good snuggles)
  • Regular massage (not cuddles but releases oxytocin as cuddles do, plus it's human non-sexual contact)
  • Professional cuddler (ticks boxes but unlike hugs from DP you need to pay - it's entirely non sexual and it's clothed).

Alternatively and probably best first option is to see if you can get DP to lay on the couch and you lay beside him, effectively spooning while watching TV. It's more passive than you want, but could be something, especially if combined with some if the above.

The NDN idea is definitely going to alter your relationship with them, even if they say no. I'd highly advise not doing that.

aweegc · 27/02/2021 12:07

*cuddley pet

ChronicallyCurious · 27/02/2021 12:09

I'm not interested in cuddling an animal, or a woman, or stranger

You say there’s nothing to it but why does it have to be a man? Confused

BeakyWinder · 27/02/2021 12:10

Yes yes, I can just imagine you popping round to next door several times a day and hopping on the snuggle chair with mr. Next door while Mrs. Next door smiles fondly.

ibblebibbledibble · 27/02/2021 12:11

Please don’t do this.

HavelockVetinari · 27/02/2021 12:12

As others have pointed out, it would be a terrible idea to ask your neighbour this. Whilst you know you're not attracted to him, if you ask him to snuggle up with you regularly he, his wife or both of them will read more into it, it's just such a bizarre thing to ask.

I'm sorry your DH isn't very physical - can you try to work on it with him, i.e. set some time aside each day for physical contact? The more he does it the more used to it he'll get. If lack of cuddling has made you think up this crazy neighbours idea then it's clearly affecting you really badly - you'd think your DH would want to address that.

RagzReturnsRebooted · 27/02/2021 12:14

@Somethingsnappy

Yes, I second others poster's question.... If a two minute cuddle doesn't cut the mustard, then how long do you want to cuddle your neighbour for?

My second question is.. I'm very curious, what does your neighbour look like that makes him appear to be a good cuddler? I'm imagining a big bearded fisherman type in a cable knit jumper, but maybe that's just me.....

Ditto. I also really want him cuddle me, now! There's a comedian with a lovely voice who used to be on one of those panel shows and every time he was on I'd fantasise about him cuddling me while reading poetry in front of a fire.

My DH isn't a cuddler, never has been. If I initiate or ask for a cuddle, I will get one, but he never starts a cuddle unless it's a prelude to sex, which is fine. I'm sure I have deficiencies of my own!
I'd actually much prefer a female cuddle buddy, if I were to look for such a thing. Less chance of them getting the wrong idea! I have cuddled a few colleagues recently, despite covid and all have been female. I think we're just better at separating comforting intimacy than men are (shock horror, I dared to assume differences between the sexes).

OP, this won't go well. Get a pet.

justamummydoingherbest · 27/02/2021 12:18

@HelenaWise

Okay, I am in Australia, so to be clear there is no issue regarding social distancing.

Thanks for the replies. I'm not interested in cuddling an animal, or a woman, or stranger - these aren't things that I ever really wanted in my life... NDN and our family have a long history of sharing various neighbourly intimacies, so I assumed this would be kind of a natural progression. We're all very close and already fairly free with physical affection. If he and/or she isn't into it they can just say no Confused

My dp is Aussie.I've never known aussies to be particularly Cuddly people.
ChampionOfTheSun · 27/02/2021 12:18

One of our neighbours actually happens to be my DH's best friend and his DW. We are obviously very friendly, they were best man and bridesmaid at our wedding and vice versa (is this neighbourly intimacy?) our DDs play together...I did think this thread was mental so just asked him if Jane came over and asked him to be her cuddle buddy how would he feel and he blinked at me and called me a weirdo. Good job we're not your neighbours, OP Grin

MechantGourmet · 27/02/2021 12:20

@youvegottenminuteslynn

We have new neighbours moving in soon, I wonder if they'll go with the neighbourly steps I didn't realise that were a thing until today...
  1. Friendly nod
  2. Wave hello
  3. Take in the odd parcel for them
  4. Water their garden when they're away
  5. Invite to bbq in summer
  6. CUDDLE BUDDIES
Cuddle Buddies is something my DD would have invented when she was 11 or so, probably with a slogan- Cuddle Buddies- bringing love to your home since 2015...

She came up with a massage shop too when she was younger! Grin

DH and I had to hide our snorts of laughter in the garage!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/02/2021 12:23

@ChronicallyCurious

I'm not interested in cuddling an animal, or a woman, or stranger

You say there’s nothing to it but why does it have to be a man? Confused

This. Thoughts, OP?
Nightfeedwatcher · 27/02/2021 12:23

I’ve never read the word ‘cuddle’ as many times in one place and it’s started to lose all meaning 😂

thenletskeepdancing · 27/02/2021 12:34

Sorry, but if my next door neighbour wanted to cuddle my husband got extended periods on a couch, I would tell her to fuck off.

ChasingRainbows19 · 27/02/2021 12:38

Not sure why OP can’t see how strange this is!

Poptart4 · 27/02/2021 12:40

OP while I can understand your need for some human contact, your boundaries are very off here.

Being close with your neighbours does not mean the "natural progression" is becoming cuddle buddies.

You need to work on your marriage. And if your husband refuses to or cant give you the intimacy that you need then perhaps you need to reconsider your relationship.

psychomath · 27/02/2021 12:41

Haha OP I actually completely get wanting platonic cuddles with male friends, and before covid was a thing I did this fairly regularly. I think I'd feel extremely awkward about it if any of them had a female partner though, even if she knew and was fine with it. Likewise I wouldn't be comfortable if I had a partner who wanted to spoon with another woman regularly. It's not a sexual thing but it's still very... intimate, yknow?

Do you not have any single friends you could ask instead, to avoid all the potential awkwardness? I mean imagine if you asked, one of both of them thought you were a complete lunatic and then you still had to live next door to them for years 😬

user88899 · 27/02/2021 12:43

Not interested in a hugging woman, this is supposedly strictly platonic, but needs to be a man.... OP please do go and ask him for a hug, I really want to hear how this turns out!

Bloodypunkrockers · 27/02/2021 12:48

I've heard it all now

If this was my DH and you were talking about more than a perfunctory hug I would think you were well out of order

Jeez

seepingweeping · 27/02/2021 12:52

Your situation must be awful for you op. I can understand why you would feel lonely in your relationship. It must be quite a cold environment when you're not like your husband.

lunarlife · 27/02/2021 12:52

I'm surprised to wake up and find this thread still up.
OP you don't want a cuddle.
You want long snuggle sessions with one specific bloke.
You aren't being honest with yourself about what that represents and what it says about your marriage.
Obviously moving forward with this daft idea would destroy your relationship with your neighbors.

babbaloushka · 27/02/2021 12:55

What in God's name is going on here.

willowsway · 27/02/2021 13:05

This is so very strange