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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take a platonic cuddle friend

181 replies

HelenaWise · 27/02/2021 01:48

My DH is a lovely man and we have a great relationship, he's great with the kids, etc. etc. The only issue is his lack of physical affection. He's always complimenting me and saying he loves me and that I look wonderful, but he just won't touch me. He's always been like this - it's just who he is. This was fine for the first few years but now I'm really starting to crave some human contact Sad We discussed this a number of times, and he says he'll do more but never does for more than a day or two. It just doesn't seem to be possible.

It's gotten so bad that I've started to think about asking my NDN for a cuddle. We're on good terms and I'm not attracted to him AT ALL but he just looks like he'd give really good cuddles. DH is fine with this in principle (we're not in UK so no covid concern), but he's worried that NDN's wife will flip if I bring this up and ruin our friendship. I didn't think this would be a big deal since we get along so well, but DH is making me think I'm a bit of a freak.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 27/02/2021 08:29

A cup-a-soup is hug in a mug, isn't it?

I always thought it was dried vomit in a mug.

lovepickledlimes · 27/02/2021 08:31

I am sorry about this. I think asking NDN is really not a good idea. Would a pet be a good option? or have a set time or way of letting him know you wanted a cuddle if it is not something that comes that naturally to him. Like maybe friday movie night where both of you will purposely slot in the time to snuggle on the sofa or every evening at a set time. I do hope you manage to find a solution that does not involve NDN

Ileflottante · 27/02/2021 08:40

Get yourself a roasted pig foot pillow. Problem sorted. And leave your poor NDN alone.

YouAreYourBestThing · 27/02/2021 08:42

Whilst I feel for you, and you definitely need to sort this out with your husband and not pester your poor unsuspecting neighbour for hugs 😯, it could be a whole lot worse than not having hugs! At least he still tells you you look nice, and says that he loves you - you have a husband, children, family around you etc, so assume you are actually getting attention daily from somewhere! You will be getting hugs from your children, so there is some physical contact there. There are literally millions of people in much worse positions OP, who will have had no physical contact from anyone for a long time (and I'm not even talking about COVID here!) I don't remember the last time I had a hug off anyone!

Cam77 · 27/02/2021 08:44

Lol. I imagine the NDN will be petrified.

noego · 27/02/2021 08:53

Meh!!
I'm a hugger. I hug everyone. Proper hugs too!

angieloumc · 27/02/2021 09:00

You have children, why don't you hug them?

Original poster
HelenaWise · 27/02/2021 09:08

Okay, I am in Australia, so to be clear there is no issue regarding social distancing.

Thanks for the replies. I'm not interested in cuddling an animal, or a woman, or stranger - these aren't things that I ever really wanted in my life... NDN and our family have a long history of sharing various neighbourly intimacies, so I assumed this would be kind of a natural progression. We're all very close and already fairly free with physical affection. If he and/or she isn't into it they can just say no Confused

OP posts:
Backupthebus · 27/02/2021 09:17

Yet you still refuse to answer why you’d ask the neighbour, but not your husband?

If every time you needed some form of human interaction you asked your DH it might help him understand frequency etc. And yes, asking the NDN is seriously bonkers.

pumpkinpie01 · 27/02/2021 09:17

Neighbourly intimacies? Of what nature ?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/02/2021 09:19

Neighbourly intimacies?

Do you have pampas grass in Australia?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/02/2021 09:20

So if you said to your husband "Dave, can I have a cuddle?" he would actually say no?! If so, he's not a very nice partner is he?

shitsandgig · 27/02/2021 09:22

Imagine being the NDN and getting this odd request. If sell my house and move 1000 miles away instantly.

I couldn't be in a relationship with no cuddles. My DP cuddles me each night, all night. Having said that, if your DP has never been affectionate, you have to accept that's just the way it is

Meruem · 27/02/2021 09:23

What a weird thread! What are neighbourly intimacies? I’m with your DH on this, if you’re good friends then don’t risk that friendship. And if it’s a “natural progression” to cuddles then what next? This is all very strange.

shitsandgig · 27/02/2021 09:24

I also need to know what neighbourly intimacy is ? Is it a keys in the bowl type neighbourhood?

UnsolicitedDickPic · 27/02/2021 09:25

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Neighbourly intimacies?

Do you have pampas grass in Australia?

I understood this reference. Grin
MozzarellaMonster · 27/02/2021 09:26

I think it would ruin neighbourly relations, I like my neighbours, pre covid we had the kids play and did barbecues etc but if she asked my husband If they could have a cuddle and I presume you mean a longer one not a quick nice to see you cuddle I'd be avoiding them.
Sorry Op, I think you and your husband need to resolve this issue together rather than involve others.

Ileflottante · 27/02/2021 09:30

Please. OP. I implore you. Get the pig pillow. For the love of god.

Lovelydiscusfish · 27/02/2021 09:31

This thread is marvellous!

When and where would the proposed cuddling seshes with NDN take place do you envisage, OP? In a specific allocated weekly/daily slot? Or just spontaneously as the mood seizes you both? Will his wife/your DH be present?

If any of our neighbours asked my boyfriend for a cuddle I would be too bewildered to even be annoyed. But possibly this is because the only neighbourly intimacies we have thus far shared are the passive aggressive moving of cars in the on-going parking wars.....

Hey, maybe buddying-up for cuddles would help ease the parking tensions? (The male next door neighbour to the left is really quite fit.....)

LoudestCat14 · 27/02/2021 09:43

Get a cat, not a neighbour!

My DP struggles with things like hand-holding and he doesn't like hugging for too long because both make him feel squirmy this isn't a with me thing, he was like it with his ex too, who I know but he still does both because he doesn't want me to feel rejected. I think you need to make your DH really understand how it's making you feel. He's got to try to meet you halfway more.

Sonicbloom · 27/02/2021 09:43

The dead pig pillow 😂 why ??

Original poster
HelenaWise · 27/02/2021 09:45

Jesus Christ. Neighbourly intimacies means the regular business of enjoying an amicable but physical relationship with your neighbours. Looking after kids, sharing social occasions etc. Why would I progress from a cheeky BJ in the garage to cuddling?

As for timing, we're all adults. Doesn't everyone schedule meetings across competing schedules?

By the by, If I said to my DH "can we cuddle?", he would do so for two minutes then disengage. Doing this repeatedly of an evening is not really on message.

OP posts:
Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 27/02/2021 09:51

@HelenaWise

Okay, I am in Australia, so to be clear there is no issue regarding social distancing.

Thanks for the replies. I'm not interested in cuddling an animal, or a woman, or stranger - these aren't things that I ever really wanted in my life... NDN and our family have a long history of sharing various neighbourly intimacies, so I assumed this would be kind of a natural progression. We're all very close and already fairly free with physical affection. If he and/or she isn't into it they can just say no Confused

Why put them in this position in the first place, though? Why make it weird?
Goatinthegarden · 27/02/2021 09:52

By the by, If I said to my DH "can we cuddle?", he would do so for two minutes then disengage. Doing this repeatedly of an evening is not really on message.

And you expect that the man next door would be up for cuddling you for more than 2minutes before disengaging?!?!