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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take a platonic cuddle friend

181 replies

HelenaWise · 27/02/2021 01:48

My DH is a lovely man and we have a great relationship, he's great with the kids, etc. etc. The only issue is his lack of physical affection. He's always complimenting me and saying he loves me and that I look wonderful, but he just won't touch me. He's always been like this - it's just who he is. This was fine for the first few years but now I'm really starting to crave some human contact We discussed this a number of times, and he says he'll do more but never does for more than a day or two. It just doesn't seem to be possible.

It's gotten so bad that I've started to think about asking my NDN for a cuddle. We're on good terms and I'm not attracted to him AT ALL but he just looks like he'd give really good cuddles. DH is fine with this in principle (we're not in UK so no covid concern), but he's worried that NDN's wife will flip if I bring this up and ruin our friendship. I didn't think this would be a big deal since we get along so well, but DH is making me think I'm a bit of a freak.

OP posts:

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 27/02/2021 11:05

@Nutrigrainygoodness

DW is very anti hug at the moment, not sure why, so I know how you feel. Pre covid times, I hugged loads of work mates (not in a weird way, we just hug in the morningvwhen we get in) . Now I'm stuck hugging the cat or dd.

Do you have kids?

If you have kids, she's probably 'touched out' if they're home all day.

If you don't have kids, maybe you have a weird neighbour?!

Chocsmyfav · 27/02/2021 11:05

That’s so needy, grow up! Get a pet

BiBabbles · 27/02/2021 11:10

I've had affectionate friends, so that's not weird to me though the way you're suggesting going about it is - especially the whole needing it to be this specific person. The only times I've had that is with people who have an ulterior motive.

As funny as the 'cuddle buddy application' images that float around the internet are, much like any other 'type' of friend, it tends to be part of a progression -- two naturally affectionate people develop a friendship which sometimes results in friends comfortable cuddling on the couch watching movies and stuff.

It's something some people enjoy and seek out, but much like it doesn't really work outside of childhood to ask someone to be your best friend, asking someone to be an affectionate friend is the same. It's something developed through doing close activities that lend themselves to that which can also more naturally bring up the conversation. Said activities can also help with a partner who needs more encouragement to be affectionate.

Physical affection isn't natural or comfortable to everyone (and some others are fine but aren't comfortable initiating), and I'd never push it in a friendship. In a romantic relationship, there are ways to set things up to help someone who isn't comfortable or doesn't naturally think to initiate, but there are limits there too.

Original poster

HelenaWise · 27/02/2021 11:11

I have NO interest in NDN sexually at all. I've already mentioned this clearly. This is about convenience. He is spatially close, we already share various intimacies with him and his wife, he is a great cuddler. I wouldn't have to travel across town for a cuddle.

OP posts:

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 27/02/2021 11:13

Well, good neighbours should be there for one another...good neighbours become good friends.

Lovelydiscusfish · 27/02/2021 11:18

PLEASE ask him, OP. Do it now! I want to know what he says.....

Don’t know about anyone else, but this thread is really making me want a cuddle. The fella’s working away, but I can tell at least one set of neighbours is in as I can hear their music through the wall. I’d be over there like a shot, but sadly they all judge us massively for renting and having a far smaller house than them, so I fear it would be an act of class betrayal........

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/02/2021 11:19

@HelenaWise

Do you think it would be fair to actually ask him and put him in such an awkward position. It's odd you are more concerned about his wife's reaction than his. He's a person in his own right who you would be putting in a really awkward position.

And apologies if you've already answered this but if the odd two minute cuddle isn't what you want then what do you want? Sitting on the sofa for half an hour at a time getting cuddled by him? Or for the length of a whole movie? What's the ideal?

Fleapit · 27/02/2021 11:19

@HelenaWise

Yes, you did mention it. You also mentioned that your DH thought NDN's wife would 'flip' if you suggested a platonic cuddle session with NDN, hence my suggestion that you ask his wife, your female NDN, to avoid misunderstanding. Though it's quite odd that you rule out any women as cuddlers, which suggests sexual attraction is involved somewhere.

However, you no say you 'share various intimacies with him and his wife' and you already know 'he's a great cuddler', which sounds rather as if you are all already swinging. In which case, knock yourself out with the special cuddles.

Beefcurtains79 · 27/02/2021 11:20

What do you think people who live alone do? Physical affection isn’t a right that you can go around demanding from people.

Why do you keep going on about ‘sharing intimacies’ already with next door? Having a fucking bbq isn’t intimate you loon.

Lovelydiscusfish · 27/02/2021 11:20

@HelenaWise

Jesus Christ. Neighbourly intimacies means the regular business of enjoying an amicable but physical relationship with your neighbours. Looking after kids, sharing social occasions etc. Why would I progress from a cheeky BJ in the garage to cuddling?

As for timing, we're all adults. Doesn't everyone schedule meetings across competing schedules?

By the by, If I said to my DH "can we cuddle?", he would do so for two minutes then disengage. Doing this repeatedly of an evening is not really on message.

“Doesn’t everyone schedule meetings across competing schedules?”

I think I am in love with you OP, for this line alone. I would cuddle you if I could. But it would be meaningless to you, for I am a woman.......

Faffandahalf · 27/02/2021 11:20

You don’t want to travel across town for a cuddle
Does across town even have a cuddling service? Maybe it’s in a massage parlour.

You are mad OP. Like this is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever read on MN. You think asking your married male NDN for a cuddle is a ‘natural progression’ of things

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/02/2021 11:25

We have new neighbours moving in soon, I wonder if they'll go with the neighbourly steps I didn't realise that were a thing until today...

Friendly nod
Wave hello
Take in the odd parcel for them
Water their garden when they're away
Invite to bbq in summer
CUDDLE BUDDIES

OverweightPidgeon · 27/02/2021 11:26

He is spatially close, we already share various intimacies with him and his wife, he is a great cuddler

Do you perchance , grow pampas grass in your front garden?

ExtraordinaryQuince · 27/02/2021 11:26

Marking place

OlmostOlwyn · 27/02/2021 11:29

"By the by, If I said to my DH "can we cuddle?", he would do so for two minutes then disengage. Doing this repeatedly of an evening is not really on message"

So you don't just want your neighbour to give you a hug, you want to cosy up for an evening cuddle on the sofa? Don't ask him that. There's no way you're going to convince him that you're not interested in anything more. You will make your relationship weird. He'll feel uncomfortable, his wife will feel uncomfortable, they'll start trying to avoid you. Just don't do it!

Probably better to work on your own relationship and get what you want from your husband.

Nnameechanged · 27/02/2021 11:32

This is brilliant. 😂 I don't think I could even find the words to respond if a neighbour, or anyone really, asked me to be their cuddle friend. 🤣

alliejay81 · 27/02/2021 11:33

Your original post says "he just looks like he'd give really good cuddles" and your latest post says he "is a great cuddler". Have you started cuddling him today?!!!

Seriously though, unless the guy is a complete sleaze, he's very unlikely to say yes. And if he is a complete sleaze, then cuddling him probably isn't a good idea!

Tal45 · 27/02/2021 11:40

If my NDN asked me for cuddles I'd move house. That is really, really weird to me and totally overstepping any boundaries. You obviously don't just want a quick hug as you say your husband 'only' cuddles you for two minutes. So what are you proposing?? The whole evening snuggled up on you next door neighbours sofa with him?? This is bizarre even for MN.

Worried234 · 27/02/2021 11:43

Woah, you're nuts.

Dreamer111 · 27/02/2021 11:44

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

Well, good neighbours should be there for one another...good neighbours become good friends.

Best comment I think I've ever read on here.

ChiefBabySniffer · 27/02/2021 11:45

So you aren't hoping for a quick hug of say 20 seconds..... you actually want to curl up on the couch with him and snuggle.

A hug is for friends/ family/loved ones. Yes, if I saw my neighbour was upset I would automatically hug them. But I would certainly not be getting on the couch or need to spoon with them. Why? Never that is an intimacy reserved for my husband. If I did that with somebody else It would be weird and icky and just plain wrong.

If you want intimate contact, go pay a professional massage therapist. That is the only kind of time I would be ok with this sort of scenario. In fact I absolutely love cuddles and close contact and if anything happens to my husband (who gives great cuddles on the couch) I would be getting a weekly massage so I don't feel like I'm starving of lack of touch.

Barton10 · 27/02/2021 11:46

Get a Labrador they give amazing cuddles!

Somethingsnappy · 27/02/2021 11:48

Yes, I second others poster's question.... If a two minute cuddle doesn't cut the mustard, then how long do you want to cuddle your neighbour for?

My second question is.. I'm very curious, what does your neighbour look like that makes him appear to be a good cuddler? I'm imagining a big bearded fisherman type in a cable knit jumper, but maybe that's just me.....

Fuckitsstillraining · 27/02/2021 11:49

I have no idea if this is a piss take or not but I do understand a little of it. I'm lucky, my dh loves to cuddle and he's good at it but he's not as good as my ex, my ex was a very tall well built man who gave the very best hugs, it was like being wrapped in protective softness, I'm 20 years with my dh, love him dearly but still occasionally remember those wonderful hugs. I'm fortunate that we are both friends with my ex and if we happen to meet I will of course get a hug, it goes no further but lordy if feels good

Original poster

HelenaWise · 27/02/2021 11:53

@alliejay81

Your original post says "he just looks like he'd give really good cuddles" and your latest post says he "is a great cuddler". Have you started cuddling him today?!!!

Seriously though, unless the guy is a complete sleaze, he's very unlikely to say yes. And if he is a complete sleaze, then cuddling him probably isn't a good idea!

What I mean is that we have quickly cuddled as part of our regular interaction for the past few years, but as the many others have pointed out here what I envision is something like 10+ minutes and yes, perhaps on a couch. This is what's missing from my life at the moment. He's very round and masculine - this isn't a great description but it's a physique that's very appealing for a lengthy period of cuddling (to me) but something very very few women have, which makes finding a female cuddle companion quite difficult.

When did basic human contact become a fetish?

OP posts:

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