Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To award my DC all the points

291 replies

SayHelloToMe · 26/02/2021 23:35

DC is in reception. He is a summer baby so still 4.

When he started school, they gave this class point system to the class. Each day, some kids make it to gold. There is a big fuss of clapping etc.

DC has really set his heart to get to gold. Pre lockdown he was helping TAs clear up after lessons. He is bright, very good at maths, well ahead his peer.

Each day while at school, it was only the naughty kids who made it to school... behavioural issues, learning difficulties... so during lockdown, it was only the kids attending school who got to gold.

It’s painful to see him get his hopes up and never get it.

After I complained to school about home schooled children missing out, they said parents could award kids up to 3 points each day to be redeemed when school starts again.

AIBU to award him all the 3 points for each day of homeschool? He’s done all the homework, helped at home, been flexible around my work, etc.

OP posts:
Happymum12345 · 27/02/2021 07:45

Give him the points if you want. You do sound like a typical reception child’s parent. School is never fair with rewards. Blaming supervision for children being children in the toilets - split the teacher in two, then she can do her job.

twelly · 27/02/2021 07:46

Children who are born in the summer are statistically likely to be behind in development and do not catch up until last primary. I think the point made is that often stars are rewarded as a way to encourage those either have difficulties or struggles - those children who are continually working well and conform get overlooked.

Hattych · 27/02/2021 07:49

Op, I think youve been given a bit of a hard time here (although your initial post was rather clumsy). Give your son the points and I would mention to his teacher that he finds the system demotivating. I do think "star of the week" is tough for 4 year olds, as the majority of the year they won't be the star. When your son is older he will understand better that some children need a lot of help to engage with the work.

napody · 27/02/2021 07:50

YABU for ‘the naughty kids’ and getting into the minutiae of who got points for what.

YANBU for disagreeing with the initial daft idea of not pausing the normal points system during lockdown. They had hardly any kids in and could have done a temporary reward thing if they rely on points so much (taught early years for ten years and you really should be able to get by without points but that’s by the by). It’s almost like running attendance awards (which are also daft) during lockdown too.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/02/2021 07:50

Give him the points.

When my DS was at school the only kid who ever got the "Clever Clogs" was the disruptive little sod ("gifted" - he'd been tested) who damaged other children's work if it looked as though it was going to be better than his, screamed if he didn't get his own way, and spent most of his time of the teacher's knee so that he didn't pester the others constantly. (He got bored and so tormented the others)

If he went a day without exhibiting one of these nasty behaviours he was praised to the skies.

Now I'm all for "rewarding good and ignoring bad" behaviour, but it's very disheartening for other children - who have behaved well and been very helpful, not to get any recognition of their GOOD behaviour.
There needs to be something for then as well.

Porridgeoat · 27/02/2021 07:53

It’s really easy to be forgotten as a kid if you’re quiet, well behaved and don’t struggle academically.

Teachers at my kids school rewarded the loudest, the ones who needed additional support to behave and henchmen (the kids who enforce the rules aggressively).

Was easily remedied by explaining this to my child so they knew the formula for getting rewards. This didn’t change my kids behaviour but it helped them form opinions about fairness and why some children need encouragement to stay on track. We laughed quite a lot when the henchmen kids got the rewards.

twelly · 27/02/2021 07:58

I think you make a valid point，and one that many parents adopt with their children. If you step back by about 7 many children realise the way that some schools use these systems is to control - it is not a way of encouraging those who are constantly working well and who do not need this type of encouragement.

JerichoGirl · 27/02/2021 08:03

@Porridgeoat

It’s really easy to be forgotten as a kid if you’re quiet, well behaved and don’t struggle academically.

Teachers at my kids school rewarded the loudest, the ones who needed additional support to behave and henchmen (the kids who enforce the rules aggressively).

Was easily remedied by explaining this to my child so they knew the formula for getting rewards. This didn’t change my kids behaviour but it helped them form opinions about fairness and why some children need encouragement to stay on track. We laughed quite a lot when the henchmen kids got the rewards.

That's quite a nasty post. It comes across as you teaching your children to belittle others' achievements, essentially to be bad sports. That's actually quite awful. It sounds like you have taught your children to be bullies.
towers14 · 27/02/2021 08:04

Don't know why you're getting a hard time. 'naughty' kids do take all the attention and rewards. I was a helper in my ds reception class and saw this time & time again. Such a kid behaved at playtime so got a star...er what about the other 44 kids that behaved? My dd used to really resent giving claps to the same girl when she did as well as she'd done. You'll have to get used to it it's all through primary....wait till it comes to picking roles in plays.

Give him the points....I would

nogooddeedgoesunpunished · 27/02/2021 08:04

Being kind, you've got another 14 years of school. I would pace yourself. Becoming overly concerned with the school's management of children's behaviour could quickly become exhausting. If you feel comfortable awarding your child the maximum amount of stars then obviously you could do that. I wonder how you might feel if the teachers or other parents questioned it? All children have a range of behaviours and I doubt your child is any different. I'm intrigued as to how you got the inside track of the classroom and the behaviour of his classmates. Do parents get a report on the class ? In our school we get feedback but only for our own child.

ihearttc · 27/02/2021 08:04

I’m likely to get vilified for this but here goes!

I’m a TA, not in Reception but only slightly older. We have a reward system as well although not as obvious as getting to Gold. If I’m brutally honest, I more often than not give points to the child who has done great work and also to the children who I can see are struggling and who need an extra boost. That maybe the children who have SEN or who find behaving at school slightly more difficult. I spend a huge amount of time with those children so it’s natural that I reward them for the effort that they put in with me. What I definitely don’t do is give points to children who help me in the classroom, possibly because their parent has told them to simply to get to Gold because trying to get to Gold for the sake of it is pointless and futile. And yes I have been on the other side of the fence my DS2 is always well behaved at school, always works hard and is ahead of his peers but never gets rewarded. Does it bother me or him? No because he understands just how hard others in his class have to work to keep up. He is a little older but we have worked on it since reception. Empathy and understanding is far more useful than helping a TA tidy up.

Morph2lcfc · 27/02/2021 08:07

I didn’t actually realise being naughty was one of the criteria for being allowed into school at the minute

Porridgeoat · 27/02/2021 08:08

No my kids were the kind natured well behaved but averagely able kids. Didn’t demand attention and quietly got on with whatever. They couldnt understand why they didn’t get rewards and it was easy enough to explain. Made no difference to their behaviour and yes we had a chuckle when the henchmen kids repeatedly got the rewards but I’d consider this to be a much healthier and emotionally literate response to unfairness in life.

twelly · 27/02/2021 08:10

@Porridgeoat

No my kids were the kind natured well behaved but averagely able kids. Didn’t demand attention and quietly got on with whatever. They couldnt understand why they didn’t get rewards and it was easy enough to explain. Made no difference to their behaviour and yes we had a chuckle when the henchmen kids repeatedly got the rewards but I’d consider this to be a much healthier and emotionally literate response to unfairness in life.
Agreed
Lalliella · 27/02/2021 08:11

Those systems are often crap. My kids’ school had a pupil of the week award and my kids probably got it twice during their whole time there. I used to tell them it was to reward the kids who needed more encouragement and they didn’t because they were always doing well. Probably not true because DS got it for “trying harder with his work” - talk about damning with faint praise - but hey ho! Anyway the strategy worked and they didn’t get upset by it.

Morph2lcfc · 27/02/2021 08:11

When mine was in mainstream when I heard some of the parents having a word with the teacher about something in the mornings, I did often think “I wish that was the only thing I had to worry about”. Also when he did have a 1-1 other parents used to monopolise her in the mornings to the point where I couldn’t have a word about the child she was supposed to be looking after

icedgem85 · 27/02/2021 08:12

Ffs what an obnoxious post.

Mrsfrumble · 27/02/2021 08:12

I'm so glad my child is out of mainstream and in SN education. The parents were awful. Every single adjustment that was made for my child led to a parent complaining that their child didn't get the same

Yep. It’s been a real eye opener since DS was diagnosed, to learn how many parents begrudge any extra support given to children with SN.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 27/02/2021 08:12

Your OP was a bit poorly worded OP, but I think you are well-justified in giving your little boy whatever you need to give him - it sounds well-deserved.

Personally, I'd also be telling him that star-systems are pretty fucked (not in those words of course, but you know) and that not to worry too much about them :).

Kotatsu · 27/02/2021 08:16

I have one kid with additional needs, and one without.

My kid's additional needs aren't behavioural related (beyond accidental stuff), so he just sits there quietly, at least not being bullied at this school, as does my other child.

My school does make sure that the middle of the road kids also get rewarded, so when I have a conversation with an indignant 6 year old about how one of his more challenged classmates gets the student of the week despite not queuing properly or something, it's an easy conversation to have, that it's to encourage their classmate, and it's that's a good thing isn't it?

At a previous school, they weren't as good at noticing the quiet kids (or controlling bullying), and it lead to my elder just withdrawing effort because there didn't seem much point. I had the same conversations, told him that I would reward him instead.

TBH it's not great to have parents have to tell their kids not to worry about class points, it removes a tool from the school and disengages the child, much better if I can support the school and give the kids a good lesson in thinking about others isn't it?

BakedTattie · 27/02/2021 08:32

This is why point and reward systems at school are a load of shite.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 27/02/2021 08:33

@SayHelloToMe

A kid pushed some children while in the toilet and threw water at them. (A whole different thread about supervision).

Wouldn’t this be a little naughty? He made it to gold as he didn’t go it again that week.

So 4 year old behaving like 4 year olds?
NoProblem123 · 27/02/2021 08:35

This will teach you & your child that life’s unfair.

Something the SEN children and their parents already know.

wasgoingmadinthecountry · 27/02/2021 08:42

Rewards for tiny achievements (which are huge goals to many children in school) are really important.

As adults we know that not all children start from the same point and what some find easy is a major achievement to celebrate and be proud of for others.

BUT small children don't understand this, and quite often it IS the quiet get on with it ones that miss out on the "gold". Which is why I don't do any of this in my (older) class - I'll give them praise, stickers, phone calls and emails home.

My son in Year R won start of the week and I asked him what he'd done. He told me it was easy - all you had to do was not try much till Thursday then do something really good and be extra nice! Summed it up for me.

Jodhpurs46 · 27/02/2021 08:50

Give your son the points. He has worked hard, behaved well and deserves them.
Unfortunately the quiet kids who get on, do well and don’t make a fuss are ignored by these points systems. It can have very negative consequences for them. I have seen many versions of points over the years and they don’t work. Education seems to have forgotten that bright and well behaved children deserve praise too. Too often teachers think that high achievement is enough in itself which unfortunately isn’t true for little children.
My eldest son had a teacher who only ever gave the ‘pupil of the week’ award to a girl!