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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To award my DC all the points

291 replies

SayHelloToMe · 26/02/2021 23:35

DC is in reception. He is a summer baby so still 4.

When he started school, they gave this class point system to the class. Each day, some kids make it to gold. There is a big fuss of clapping etc.

DC has really set his heart to get to gold. Pre lockdown he was helping TAs clear up after lessons. He is bright, very good at maths, well ahead his peer.

Each day while at school, it was only the naughty kids who made it to school... behavioural issues, learning difficulties... so during lockdown, it was only the kids attending school who got to gold.

It’s painful to see him get his hopes up and never get it.

After I complained to school about home schooled children missing out, they said parents could award kids up to 3 points each day to be redeemed when school starts again.

AIBU to award him all the 3 points for each day of homeschool? He’s done all the homework, helped at home, been flexible around my work, etc.

OP posts:
ElphabaTheGreen · 27/02/2021 05:42

@heatherhoneys Please read the OPs updates....she acknowledges that was a clunky turn of phrase and has apologised. Don’t gleefully stick a boot in without checking first...

Sammiesnake · 27/02/2021 05:47

So he was in school from September to December before lockdown... he’s done 14 weeks? So even if they started the gold points immediately there are only 14 students who can have won yet. How many in the class? 30 odd? Which means half the kids are in the same boat? Yet you complained because the vulnerable/ key worker kids who had no option but to go into school through lockdown were being rewarded a few points on a newsletter you didn’t even need to show your son. Right....Confused

Mummy1608 · 27/02/2021 05:53

OP please stop caring about these petty points now before your son is older. PP are right who say you want this only for you and your bragging rights, and it will start to warp your son's attitude and behaviour. Just tell him you're proud of him, and stop reading that newsletter!

I'm a secondary school teacher and I see this sometimes. Last year, I was new at my current school, I gave a year 9 boy a "medium" effort-grade for one term. Because he had been late with his homework a couple of times and lied about it (he said he wasn't told what the homework was/wasn't given enough time etc) and had even admitted to me and apologised to me for his lie. Later, he doubled down on his lie to his mum. His mum absolutely kicked off, sent me and my manager and SLT long abusive letters, saying that the boy had never had anything but "excellent" effort grades his whole "career", that this was a stain on his "record". She was so obsessed with her bragging rights over this, that her nice, ordinary, bright son was beginning to lie every time he slipped up. He also pointedly volunteered to help with things all the time. The school changed the grade to keep the mum happy. The next parents' evening, the first time I met them, she could barely look me in the eye from embarrassment. Poor kid.

It's good you've come to MN with this, now you can think about it and not be like that mum by the time your DS is in year 9.

1AngelicFruitCake · 27/02/2021 06:07

I feel you’ve been jumped on here. Yes children with SEN and those who struggle with their behaviour should be rewarded for effort but so should those children who are good and just get on with it.

garlictwist · 27/02/2021 06:08

You sound a bit over involved.

Sapho47 · 27/02/2021 06:16

@SayHelloToMe

DC is in reception. He is a summer baby so still 4.

When he started school, they gave this class point system to the class. Each day, some kids make it to gold. There is a big fuss of clapping etc.

DC has really set his heart to get to gold. Pre lockdown he was helping TAs clear up after lessons. He is bright, very good at maths, well ahead his peer.

Each day while at school, it was only the naughty kids who made it to school... behavioural issues, learning difficulties... so during lockdown, it was only the kids attending school who got to gold.

It’s painful to see him get his hopes up and never get it.

After I complained to school about home schooled children missing out, they said parents could award kids up to 3 points each day to be redeemed when school starts again.

AIBU to award him all the 3 points for each day of homeschool? He’s done all the homework, helped at home, been flexible around my work, etc.

He's got a good work ethic don't spoil it by making it easy.

For a lot of boys its the challenge thats the goal not the stars etc, if you make it too easy they will become less valuable to him.

You son sounds like a good lad and ahead so if he meets the schools gold standard award them so not to demotivate but maybe keep the drive with a home sparkly star (every one knows the shiney trading cards are worth more :p) thats for a special extra task you set

spaceghetto · 27/02/2021 06:27

I think we can help our children deal with these situations. I have a 'good as gold ds', he's never had his school's pupil of the week award. Neither I nor dh make anything out of this fact. Ds is not bothered. He is however taught to be a good sport. Sorry op but if you have complained to the school about it, they're probably teaching you a lesson by not giving it to him.

whiteroseredrose · 27/02/2021 06:28

You've had a hard time on here Sayhellotome but I understand.

These reward systems are not fair and are crappy for a lot of children.

It's very hard to explain to a child whose behaviour is always good why they never get awards for good behaviour! It can be very upsetting for a young child when they feel invisible because, in their eyes, the teachers never notice them, however hard they work. Particularly those who may be very shy and not have a massive self esteem in the first place.

Quiet, hard working children may have struggles too, but they're not constantly in the teacher's face about it so can be overlooked.

However lots of schools have these systems so your DC needs to, and will, get used to it. He'll learn that it's more about stopping bad behaviours than rewarding good ones. They get it quite quickly. 'Johnny got a star because he didn't punch anyone today'. And if Johnny stops punching people everyone wins.

Eatingsoupwithafork · 27/02/2021 06:28

I think this is causing a problem with children nowadays. It can’t be this child got a point or a star well done, every child needs a point and a star. It’s why later on they’ll do races and there’s no winners or losers - everyones a winner! My DN now cries if he doesn’t win a computer game or a board game irl because at school there’s no winners or losers. What are we teaching our DC? I would stop worrying about points and who got what before your DC thinks he’s entitled to points just because and you end up giving him the wrong mindset and attitude.

Punching · 27/02/2021 06:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tubs11 · 27/02/2021 06:44

I'm struggling to believe a 4yr old is so invested in some gold points chart. When I was 4 all I cared about was playing with my friends. Please don't put so much weight on this OP, social skills development is far more important at this time in their lives and I'm worried your projecting your wants onto him. As for the naughty kids comment, show me a kid who isn't naughty at this age? They're still learning to self regulate their emotions so it's reasonable to award points for good behaviour, it just shouldn't become some sort of battle ground of unhealthy competition.

heatherhoneys · 27/02/2021 06:52

[quote ElphabaTheGreen]@heatherhoneys Please read the OPs updates....she acknowledges that was a clunky turn of phrase and has apologised. Don’t gleefully stick a boot in without checking first...[/quote]
My mistake. But as the parent of a child with behaviour issues and severe SEN I can assure you I am not sticking the boot in.

Jumpers268 · 27/02/2021 06:58

My son is in year 1 and has been referred for ASD. He does find school tough but he's bright and school work itself easy. They also give a pot of gold award each day (includes home schooled children too) and they post it on Dojo, which he has on his iPad. A few weeks ago they awarded one of the children it because it was the first day they'd done any school work. My son was so upset; why wasn't he being awarded it when he'd done all the school work? I explained that hopefully by awarding that child it they'd be more inclined to the work the next day. My son understood and he's 5. He did try to say he should not do any school work for a few days and then do it all and maybe he'd get the award Hmm haha.

I award the home points every day for specific things he's done (helpfulness, being kind, doing all his school work etc) and I downplay the "pot of gold" award. Try not to place so much importance on it, it's really no indication on how good your child is! Flowers

MrBloomsLeftVeg · 27/02/2021 07:02

Can't get past the fact you complained to the Head who will be up to their eyeballs in extra covid briefing crap daily, about a POINT SYSTEM FOR FOUR YEAR OLDS .

And the kids that are currently in school, are you actually envying them a reward system when they are not able to be safely at home with family in a pandemic?

Anyway,, @RussellCroweslefteyebrow has it bang on with their response

InvincibleInvisibility · 27/02/2021 07:03

My DC are in a school system that rewards attainment not effort (not in the UK).

My 9 year old has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia and we are not telling the school as they are so unsupportive.

The effort that my 9 year old makes every single day just to be in school and do the work is monumental. And is never recognized. Instead he feels like he's a total loser, is the worst in the class (he isn't- he's bang on average - we know because they get 6-8 pieces of graded work every week). He has meltdowns most nights at home and has said he wants to die several times.

My NT 6 year old sails through school. He's happy and popular. Teachers love him and praise him for work which comes easy to him.

Who do you think finds school easier? Who do you think will find adult life easier?

A gold star would do wonders for my 9 year old's confidence but he will not get one (this school gives discipline grades every week and you can only lose points not gain them)

Jumpers268 · 27/02/2021 07:11

@InvincibleInvisibility that made me so sad for your 9 year old. Your comment perfectly answers why those children NEED the gold star.

InvincibleInvisibility · 27/02/2021 07:18

Thanks @Jumpers268. I feel desperately sorry for DS in this school but his current teacher is ok.

We're being supported by outside professionals and it's helping us see how we can best support DS (the diagnosis was a total surprise).

But its making us choose his secondary school extremely carefully and we've been advised to go to a local school which is known to be better at supporting SEN kids so fingers crossed he'll enjoy school more then.

BeatricePrior · 27/02/2021 07:19

You could do your own star chart at home and he can show his teacher.

Xerochrysum · 27/02/2021 07:23

Just give him 3 points each day, school said you could.

You didn't even needed to include details of naughty kids with behavioural issues or learning difficulties getting gold.

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 27/02/2021 07:32

When my DC were at infant chool some 20 years ago, this type of motivational system led to mocking of any such award with the catchphrase “Because I’m SPECIAL”. It wasn’t valued at all by the more capable children.

Not a hill to die on, but if he deserves 3 points of course give him 3 points.

Marchitectmummy · 27/02/2021 07:35

Why not just explain to your son that he is temporarily not at school but when he is back if he keeps behaving well he might get a gold. This is a perfect learning opportunity for him.

What will you gain in giving him a pretend reward? Why don't you judge praise him as you might normally for behaviour when he is in your presence and leave school rewards to school.

If you don't teach him now he will need to learn it at some point, not everything is about reward.

Teandsympathy · 27/02/2021 07:36

Your son has hardly started his schooling. All this gold star award thing is a great novelty I’m sure.
Those children with sen are going to have many years struggling to keep up with their peers academically and socially. It will chip away at their self esteem and motivation and cause them a lot of stress which may display itself in different ways, including becoming a “naughty child” in some cases.
Some children don’t have a great home life and getting that gold sticker is one of the only positive acknowledgments they will receive that day.
I’m sure your lovely hardworking son will have many opportunities to shine over the next 12 years and you will have lots of wonderful proud moments with or without gold stickers.

Aprilx · 27/02/2021 07:37

[quote SayHelloToMe]@Nellythemouse I did raise it with the head. School then introduced the homeschooling points.[/quote]
OMG your child is in his first year of school, mainly not in school and you have already not only complained about SEN children getting points, but have had the system changed and you are still complaining!

I am 50 now, but this is how it worked even when I was in primary. In fact I remember when I was in primary and I was one of the top five students in terms of academics in my year. I never got stars or prizes, when I was about seven I once said to my teacher that it wasn’t fair that I never got prizes but x did eve though I was much better at maths. They responded that they had to try much harder than I did. I, at age 7 then understood this. Weird that you cannot.

HighHeelBoots · 27/02/2021 07:39

I'm so glad my child is out of mainstream and in SN education. The parents were awful. Every single adjustment that was made for my child led to a parent complaining that their child didn't get the same

Morph2lcfc · 27/02/2021 07:43

I’m so glad my Sen child isn’t in mainstream anymore. I think most people have no clue how hard it is to get support in schools for Sen children and due to the way Sen is now funded most schools don’t want Sen children anyway. My child needed 1-1 when he mainstream but we had to take the local authority to tribunal to get this so it took time, he used to have big meltdowns when he wasn’t being supported so I’d suppose you would have said he was the naughty kid. I won’t go into all the details but it was absolute hell for about 2 years and I nearly had a break down purely to do with school issues. I think unless you’ve had an Sen child and had to fight you have no idea what it’s like, I certainly didn’t I just assumed that chikdren that needed support got it