Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To award my DC all the points

291 replies

SayHelloToMe · 26/02/2021 23:35

DC is in reception. He is a summer baby so still 4.

When he started school, they gave this class point system to the class. Each day, some kids make it to gold. There is a big fuss of clapping etc.

DC has really set his heart to get to gold. Pre lockdown he was helping TAs clear up after lessons. He is bright, very good at maths, well ahead his peer.

Each day while at school, it was only the naughty kids who made it to school... behavioural issues, learning difficulties... so during lockdown, it was only the kids attending school who got to gold.

It’s painful to see him get his hopes up and never get it.

After I complained to school about home schooled children missing out, they said parents could award kids up to 3 points each day to be redeemed when school starts again.

AIBU to award him all the 3 points for each day of homeschool? He’s done all the homework, helped at home, been flexible around my work, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
SayHelloToMe · 27/02/2021 00:27

My whole point is about an unfair system. It’s not directed to any one child in particular.

OP posts:
Tiktaks · 27/02/2021 00:28

My 4 year old has no idea what's going on in the classroom at the moment. He would have no idea if someone is getting a sticker/clapping etc. There's nothing to stop parents rewarding their children if they feel they have done well.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2021 00:31

@SayHelloToMe

No I don’t know this. Early in the week, said child was taken away from his peers and had to sit in an office due to his behaviour. He apologised on the next day to the various children he was unkind to. At the end of the week, he made it to gold. A little suspicious right? School publishes Photos of gold winners list each week.
School publishes Photos of gold winners list each week.

And your 4 year old sits and scrutinises it?

Original poster
SayHelloToMe · 27/02/2021 00:32

@WorraLiberty he does not. I do.

OP posts:
Nellythemouse · 27/02/2021 00:33

It’s a system you perceive as unfair, a whopping half a year into your child’s school career and under very unusual circumstances - it might be, it might not. You are hardly impartial and have no clue about other children’s circumstances, needs etc. You are not the class teacher.

By all means politely raise it with school and advocate for your child. But leave the other kids out of it.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2021 00:34

[quote SayHelloToMe]@WorraLiberty he does not. I do.[/quote]
Well stop then? Confused

It sounds like it's upsetting you far more than your kid who let's face it, has only been in Reception a few months anyway.

Seventytwo · 27/02/2021 00:34

Complaining to school about a points scheme for 4 year-olds is batshit. I mean really. Recognise these silly little schemes for the BS they are, do your DS a favour and teach him that they don't matter. Because they don't (and aren't helpful for children at all - there's lots of research on the effects of this type of praise/reward on kids' intrinsic motivation if you're interested).

And this?

What about non SEN children? Why don’t they ever Get rewarded? Genuine question.

I don't even know where to begin with this. Utterly vile.

icegarden · 27/02/2021 00:34

They are age 4/5 in a pandemic. Ignore it all

Luzina · 27/02/2021 00:34

Give him the points if you want to. Personally I’d write to the Head and suggest they try a different approach; I’m not keen on these points systems/star of the week etc.

My DCs rarely got the points (or equivalent of). I used it as an opportunity to explain that some children need that sort of encouragement more than others, and that feeling that they’d done their best was most important. Not sure if they believed me really but genuinely they didn’t need to be rewarded really. Life was a lot easier for them than for some.

Original poster
SayHelloToMe · 27/02/2021 00:35

@Nellythemouse I did raise it with the head. School then introduced the homeschooling points.

OP posts:
Adskps · 27/02/2021 00:36

It isn't an unfair system though, they've carried on with someone in class for the children who are still attending school. You can't just declare it an unfair system because you've decided your son should be entitled to gold?
Teachers aren't stupid, and this is a technique to encourage positive behaviours via positive reinforcement rather than a general reward for being good at school work type thing. They'll usually make sure every child gets it by the end of the year,and they'll probably make sure they'll get it when they need a bit of a boost.

Original poster
SayHelloToMe · 27/02/2021 00:36

@Seventytwo thank you. I know you are right.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 27/02/2021 00:37

My whole point is about an unfair system. It’s not directed to any one child in particular

My child is dyslexic.

He struggles to read abs write, yet he’s an amazing person, funny, kind, peacemaker, he’s everyone’s friend, he tries hard to focus and stay on task.

The school system isn’t set up for children like him and he hates schools, day in day out for 10 plus years

DD is autistic, she struggles to make and keep friends, she doesn’t understand facial clues or how others feel, everyday she comes home angry and hurt.

The school system isn’t set up for her

A boy in DS class has ADHD he’s bullied every day so they ‘set him off’ as he rages in temper

The school system isn’t set up for him

School isn’t fair, is the only thing you have right

wewillmeetagain · 27/02/2021 00:37

I know someone like you op who actually complains to the school because her DD hasn't been awarded star of the week. What are we teaching our kids if they learn that to get what you want you just complain until you do?

RussellCroweslefteyebrow · 27/02/2021 00:38

@SayHelloToMe

What about non SEN children? Why don’t they ever Get rewarded? Genuine question.
They do. Everyday. By not being SEN and therefore having many more opportunities available to them in the future in this ableist world.
Dullardmullard · 27/02/2021 00:41

You do know it’s all bollocks this award crap

You know your kid is a good kid so leave it that.

Nellythemouse · 27/02/2021 00:43

So the head listened to parent feedback and changed it. Great. So what on earth is your issue? You want to brag about how great your child is? You really need help making the decision on whether to award him the points (and yet are so critical of the way the teacher does it for 29 other children)? You just want to make snide remarks about the “naughty” kids?

Livelovebehappy · 27/02/2021 00:43

I get where you’re coming from OP. People are jumping on you because they think all DCs with behavioural issues are SEN. That’s not the case. Children with behavioural issues can just be kids who are boisterous and hyper, or who like to show off and distract. Or are naughty due to lack of discipline at home. And it’s true that the naughty kids are often the ones who get rewarded the most because they might have one day out of 5 where they are ‘less’ naughty. Whilst the ones who are consistently well behaved are overlooked. There’s nothing wrong with pointing out the disparity fgs.

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2021 00:45

Pre lockdown he was helping TAs clear up after lessons. He is bright, very good at maths, well ahead his peer.

Look OP what you need to understand is this (and I speak as a mum who had to explain this to my 3 DC)...

If your child is bright, good at maths, well ahead of his peers and has a good relationship with TAs/Teachers, he is already most definitely winning.

There are parents and children out there who'd gnaw off their right arms to be able to have that, and they'd gladly swap their DCs problems and behavioural issues for a few poxy points and some clapping from the class.

Surely as an adult you can see that?

Ok your DC won't be able to see it because he's 4 but it's your job to gently make him.

SmaugMum · 27/02/2021 00:49

If I could give anyone any parenting advice (nine-year age gap, complex family situation and one child with a significant disability), it would be not to encourage a child’s intrinsic self-worth based on external rewards or validation.

I was like you with my first child and every snub or rebuff was felt keenly and that, I’m ashamed to say, rubbed off on them. With child number two, I honestly don’t give a shiny shite about nebulous achievements like Star of the Week, as I’ve learned (the hard and painful way, as is my wont) that they’re a pointless exercise in creating another rod to break a teacher’s back. My five-year-old reception kid has no clue about awards - and nor do I, as I specifically make a point of not reading the school weekly newsletter as I know I’m guilty of having tiger mother tendencies if left unchecked; but I know (to our cost) that they do not make for a happy family.

Honestly, step away from the class newsletters and value your child for the joy they bring you, just by being them.

RickiTarr · 27/02/2021 00:50

@Hankunamatata

Who the hell calls kids with learning difficulties - the naughty kids. Your a peach Hmm
This, with bells on.
WorraLiberty · 27/02/2021 00:50

And I'd stick my neck out here and say that because the school publishes photos of gold winners list each week, it's possibly more about you wanting the other parents to see your child's photo up there.

He still has half a school year left for that to happen.

Tiktaks · 27/02/2021 00:51

Op if you feel this way now How's it going to be by the time your ds is in year 6?

Hoorayforsunshine · 27/02/2021 00:52

Isn’t it likely that all the homeschooling parents will give their kids 3 points every day...and so your kid isn’t going to get any closer anyway?

Just use it as a teachable moment. Sometimes you work your bits off and you don’t get the gold. Motivation should be intrinsic, not for a gold star anyway.

Haven’t read the full thread but your references to SEN children was clumsy and lacking jn empathy at best.

theuncles · 27/02/2021 00:58

I read it that OP meant the children in school after lockdown (and therefore still getting points) were either naughty (disadvantaged??) or SEN?

I do think the children still going to school (key workers', SEN, vulnerable) are more likely to get points so it is up to parents to make an effort to award their own children points to keep up, if that is a concern.

It's hard OP, especially if the numbers aren't published, but there's no harm in bigging your own child up if no-one else is going to - and especially if it is a system that matters to them!

Going back to a previous comment - yes , it is hard to decide what deserves praise. DS has ASD and got points in reception for drinking out of his water bottle. Twin DD was miffed as she already did that all the time! She understands now but I'm not sure she did then.

Children need to understand that they all have their own targets (though maybe not aged 4) - comparison is the thief of joy, and all that......