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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To award my DC all the points

291 replies

SayHelloToMe · 26/02/2021 23:35

DC is in reception. He is a summer baby so still 4.

When he started school, they gave this class point system to the class. Each day, some kids make it to gold. There is a big fuss of clapping etc.

DC has really set his heart to get to gold. Pre lockdown he was helping TAs clear up after lessons. He is bright, very good at maths, well ahead his peer.

Each day while at school, it was only the naughty kids who made it to school... behavioural issues, learning difficulties... so during lockdown, it was only the kids attending school who got to gold.

It’s painful to see him get his hopes up and never get it.

After I complained to school about home schooled children missing out, they said parents could award kids up to 3 points each day to be redeemed when school starts again.

AIBU to award him all the 3 points for each day of homeschool? He’s done all the homework, helped at home, been flexible around my work, etc.

OP posts:
kingat · 27/02/2021 01:00

I think I get what OP is saying and it bothers me too. We have a weekly award thing, now in home schooling it is supposed to be for working hard, but it is not the ones working hard getting it, but the ones who do not. I know most of the children who got the awards and I know from 2 of their mums they just dont engage with the work, so I get the idea is to encourage them, but is this not completely wrong message " i dont bother and I get rewarded, I work hard I get no mention"?

Hoorayforsunshine · 27/02/2021 01:05

I imagine their actual teachers have a good sense of what hard work and effort means for each child rather than other parents.

It might not look like hard work or engagement for you, but a teacher has determined that it is merited. Who are you to say they are wrong or to question the methods.

Fastestbrownie · 27/02/2021 01:15

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rach2713 · 27/02/2021 01:15

My 4 year old comes home and says so and so got a sticker and she didn't I just say well maybe you will get next time but its still nice to be excited your friend got one. Its teaching them you can't always get a reward for everything you do and it's not always there turn. I ain't going to go to them every time if it bothers you so much give your child a gold star at home..

Pukkatea · 27/02/2021 01:19

I'm going to comment from the perspective of someone who went to a crappy school and was constantly awarded for breathing...

At primary we had a class award and it was meant to go to the best student that week. Obviously as the most clever in the class I assumed that award was always mine...except it wasn't, it went to kids for sport, for kindness, for overcoming obstacles etc and over time I grew to understand this and I would go so far to say that one award taught me a lot about empathy for others and appreciation for broad talents and achievements.

Pukkatea · 27/02/2021 01:20

Also for your aibu: give him the points!

Wearywithteens · 27/02/2021 01:27

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This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

WaltzForDebbie · 27/02/2021 01:29

My daughter hardly ever wins star writer because the teacher tries to encourage kids by sharing it around. I downplay it and explain this to her. There's no point getting worked up about it.

kittensmittens1 · 27/02/2021 01:32

You sound insane, do you realise this?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 27/02/2021 01:35

My son is about to graduate. He is ADHD, controlled with medication.
He is uncoordinated and doesn't play on any sports team. He has a solid B average, with A's in History and Computer. Out of 13 years in the school, he has won ONE award - in second grade (age 7) he got "Most Helpful" in his class. He still remembers that teacher with affection.
While we were talking about graduation, he said: "I will miss my school more than they will miss me. Nobody really knows me there."
School isn't set up for average kids either.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/02/2021 01:40

Each day while at school, it was only the naughty kids who made it to school... behavioural issues, learning difficulties... so during lockdown, it was only the kids attending school who got to gold.

Don't worry. My child has SEN and two keyworker parents and gets nothing at all. I hope it warms your heart that my child with SEN isn't rewarded.

BastardGoDarkly · 27/02/2021 01:41

Christ on a crumpet op.

This huge advantage over your son, is only during homeschooling, correct?

So unclench, and try and be more kind, theyre 4 4 Confused

womaninatightspot · 27/02/2021 01:45

I think you're getting a hard time it's frequently moaned about that the children who work hard/ are well behaved get no recognition whereas the more challenging children get rewarded. It sucks for the quiet, well behaved ones.

Not sure it helps in life overall as it sets unreasonable expectations going forward.

1forAll74 · 27/02/2021 02:14

I don't think that these so called gold awards and such, are a good idea at all. It can cause some problems at times, with the child, and their parents. every child should be equal, and not treated as the best,,and more than best, or not as good as others.

GingerScallop · 27/02/2021 02:27

I took those to be two different categories

Zebraaa · 27/02/2021 02:37

I was the clever quiet child at school and was always sat next to a naughty kid who’d repeatedly punch me and stop me from doing my work.
It’s rubbish. I only knew the teachers liked me from my parents evening when they’d offer praise but it wasn’t shown in class. It felt the opposite.

Newcastleteacake · 27/02/2021 03:08

"DC has really set his heart to get to gold. Pre lockdown he was helping TAs clear up after lessons."

Is he doing he doing that because he is a good, helpful kid and wants to or because you've let him believe that's the only way to earn false, useless praise?

IUsedToBeAsSmugAsYou · 27/02/2021 03:36

@SayHelloToMe Wow, your lack of empathy and social skills is astounding. Your written expression is also rather poor, do you have a learning disability? Apologies if you do, perhaps everyone is not taking that into account when judging you for coming across as so unkind and self absorbed.

LadyMinerva · 27/02/2021 04:42

OP, I know that to every mum their baby is the most deserving. Doesn't mean they are or they are not. But as his mum it's up to you to manage his expectations.

The quiet kids are very often overlooked because the adults are more focused on trying to manage the behaviour of the not so quiet kids.

But honestly, he has only just started school, in a crazy year, so I really wouldn't give it any more of your thought.

Lougle · 27/02/2021 04:45

Children with SEN or behavioural challenges (which themselves can be a SEN) already overcome huge barriers just by doing school.

This week DD3 (11) got a Head of Year 'Shout Out' because she's so nice and kind and friendly to the form tutor and she joins in everything. I'm pleased for her.

This week DD2 (13, ASD) has had an email reprimand for not joining in enough in class chat. She has huge social anxiety and hates even logging in to the live lessons online, so frankly, in delighted that she's hanging in there.

DD1 (15, SN, Special School) is struggling just to eat enough to survive and is having to use a wheelchair when she goes out. I'm absolutely chuffed if I can get her to sit at the table for 10 minutes to do some simple maths.

Yes, DD2 gets frustrated that she has to do 5½ hours of online lessons and DD1 only does a few minutes of work. But she understands that DD1 is climbing a mountain just to sit and do a bit of maths.

Teach your child early that they do what they do and their reward is doing a good job and learning. Don't buy in to the whole reward system. If he's working hard, praise that.

hahaboink · 27/02/2021 04:55

@Seventytwo

Complaining to school about a points scheme for 4 year-olds is batshit. I mean really. Recognise these silly little schemes for the BS they are, do your DS a favour and teach him that they don't matter. Because they don't (and aren't helpful for children at all - there's lots of research on the effects of this type of praise/reward on kids' intrinsic motivation if you're interested).

And this?

What about non SEN children? Why don’t they ever Get rewarded? Genuine question.

I don't even know where to begin with this. Utterly vile.

Agree. Would just focus on teaching your kids not to need external validation to do well. I’d have not even mentioned the fact that gold awards were still going on at the moment so he couldn’t get disappointed. FYI generally everyone in the class gets star of the week or whatever at some point if the year so he’ll probably get it at some point. It’s like pass the parcel nowadays - teachers make sure everyone gets a turn.
JerichoGirl · 27/02/2021 05:07

It's easy to make fun of you OP because you are new to school life and have outed yourself as one of "those" parents. It's cringey. But here's the thing, we all adore our children, we all think they're special and deserve the most points or star of the week or whatever but there are a whole bunch of other kids to be considered too. And that's why it's the teacher's job to award these things and not the parent's. And the sooner you learn that, the more you and your child will enjoy the school ride.

Honestly I know parents who lobby the school about places on sports teams/ in gifted and talented groups/library monitor or whatever and it's just embarrassing, it's all about the parent's bragging rights and own insecurities rather than anything at all to do with the child's needs.

You have an opportunity here to learn something and I'd urge you to take it, swallow your gold level disappointment and walk alongside your child as they brave the big wide world. There are much bigger challenges head and they need to learn how to manage.

ElphabaTheGreen · 27/02/2021 05:07

As many have said above, points/rewards systems are there for the children who need them, not a child like yours who clearly doesn’t.

Our school uses the Class Dojo system to award points and I can check them on an app to see what each of my DCs got their points for. They clamour at me every now and again to look at all their points and how they got them and I refuse. Firstly, I want them to talk to me and tell me what they did during the day, I don’t want to consult an impersonal screen when they’re sat right next to me. Secondly, they’re well behaved, clever boys who, quite frankly, have a very fucking easy time in school because they have no special needs and a very supportive, well-educated pair of parents who can support them to develop an intrinsic reward system and to whom they will always be ‘gold’. My DCs don’t need points and star of the week. Neither does yours. Downplay the value of it and leave it to the kids who really need it.

Peanutbutterblood · 27/02/2021 05:29

OP you've fucked up in your delivery but yanbu. Give your son the points

heatherhoneys · 27/02/2021 05:40

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