I'm a SAHM and dp won't give me access to his bank account.

[Junoscup]

We have 3 DC (eldest two aren't his). Our youngest is 18 months.
I am a SAHM, have been since pregnant with youngest.
After a lengthy period of not being ontop of finances and struggling to make ends meet, we are going to be calculating everything this weekend and coming up with a budget.
I have recently submitted his last 3 years (late) worth of self assessments (he is self employed and stopped using his accountant, long story) without being able to claim expenses for fuel and tools because he didn't keep his receipts.

He has been keeping them consistently for the last few months though since we submitted his tax returns.

I just asked him if I could have access to his bank account log in to assist me keeping on top of everything (all bills come out of his account).

He has said no. That he will be giving me his work expense receipts and that's all I will need, that he doesn't want to be nagged every time he buys something. I asked him if he intended on buying things that he wouldn't tell me about and he said no. I said, so what's the issue then and he said "I work, it's my money". I responded that this logic was flawed considering I am at home caring for his child and am not working because of this, am totally dependent on him etc so how is it his money and not both of ours.

I know what he gets paid because copies of his invoices get sent to our address from work every two weeks. I pointed out that I would know if there was money missing based on that and our bills etc....so what's the problem with me seeing this account.

This went round in circles and he didn't budge. It's his account and his money and he won't have me nagging him every time he spends money on a coffee or 20 quid on golf.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

He won't 'let' you work?
He won't marry you but is happy for you to have his child and be financially dependent on him?

He's a prick OP. But you've gone into this with your eyes open and been very placid.

Time to get brave. He doesn't have the right to forbid you from working. You know what that's called? Abuse, financial abuse.

This relationship is not one that can possibly be happy or healthy long term, so the longer you stay with him the more financially dependent you will be and the more you'll show your children that it's ok for men to dictate what women do.

Leave for their sake if not for your own.

It's not the 1950s. You aren't a child. He isn't your boss.

I have recently submitted his last 3 years (late) worth of self assessments (he is self employed and stopped using his accountant, long story) without being able to claim expenses for fuel and tools because he didn't keep his receipts

I guess you know how much an accountant would have charged him for all that work right?

You also know how foolish he has been not to keep his receipts for expenses claims?

Given his attitude you should invoice him for all the work you've done for him.

So we're not making ends meet, I'm doing his tax returns, he won't let me work, I'm bringing up his baby and I'm not allowed to see what's going on with the money he earns?

if you've said a version of this to him and he hasn't listened to you then your relationship is a no-hoper anyway. There's no respect there.

I was receiving tax credits, income support and housing benefit because I had a child under 5.

Isn’t your youngest under 5? So you should be still entitled to these things if you were a single parent.
If you’re planning to stay then I’d just get a part time job/get done qualifications. You don’t want him to wait until your DCS is over 5 and then leave and then you’d have to start from scratch.

@ChrissyPlummer

If you had your first child at 20 and are now 34 wouldn’t your eldest be 14, not 10?

My thought exactly!

@Junoscup

Go back to work. You cannot afford to be dependent on this man.

Like I said. What I was earning before I got pregnant/what I could earn now would not cover my rent, bills, food shopping etc. I will STILL be reliant on him to cover the rest. Or if he leaves I will be reliant on tax credits and housing benefit to top up lack of earnings.

I do not have a career to return to. I don't have a degree. I don't have qualifications or experience.

But this has obviously happened before as in you have two DC with your exP who you didn't marry? Who regardless of what went on, since splitting his maintenance is unpredictable as you say. Learn this time around, you've seen the situation, do something about it. I've done it once now it will never happen again, last year was a turning point for me!

Apologies if my question upset you @Junoscup but advice will depend on circumstances.

Well, my advice would be: restart your dog walking; I would have snapped someone’s hand off for someone to do that in Lockdown 1 as DH was shielding and at the time the advice was that he was not to leave the house. I was working FT still and it would have made my life so much easier, especially as I was having to spend hours queuing at supermarkets, working shifts and everything else.

While doing that, I’d look at applying for the OU, you may be able to carry any credit over from the previous degree you started. They aren’t perfect but would be a great option as no need to leave the house. As pp said; dog groomers are VERY popular round here now (NW G Manchester/Lancs) and some places do intensive courses, though they are pretty expensive. If you worked weekends, would any other family members be able to help with childcare? (Shouldn’t have to but may show your DP how serious you are about working).

Well I'd get out of there before HMRC comes for him for IR35... Lot of people don't seem to realise how totally fucked they'll be if there is an audit.

[quote Junoscup]@Katjolo before dog walking i had work on and off in minimum wage jobs. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex for 8 years, I'd dropped out of university and had my first child at 20 years old.[/quote]
I did wonder if ex was abusive, explains a lot about how you are in this situation now.

@RickiTarr

Ignore the hostile posts OP. You’ve made some mistakes. We all do one way or the other, and you can rescue yourself from this one step at a time.

Thank you

[quote Junoscup]@Redruby2020 we were together for 5 years before we had our child.[/quote]
But why did you have a child with him?

@Junoscup

We don't have a joint account. When I was working he would transfer money to my account and all bills came out of mine (I was living in this house before he moved in).

I have wanted to get married for years and he keeps saying he will ask. We have had many arguments about it.

You dont need to get married but thats what the government want you to do. You can now have a civil partnership too its available to both hetero and same sex couples.

Also why wait for him to ask? why dont you ask? I though women wanted equality?

Just ask him to transfer you some money every month.

@KatharinaRosalie

Traditional set up without being married puts you in a very risky position.

This ^

I did vote YABU though as in my opinion you have the right to access family money, but not necessarily the right to see every purchase if that makes sense?

So if you had access sufficient funds it would seem fair that he can get coffee or golf or whatever without your scrutiny.

My husband and I don’t have full access to each other’s accounts. But if one of us didn’t have an income we would just ensure the other had access to some sort of joint funds.

It does frustrate me slightly when I know he has unused TV subscriptions etc, but at the end of the day it’s his account, his problem.

@Lemmeout

This man is a jerk, telling you you can’t work. That is because he does not want to care for his child. However two children are not his, I don’t know how you can work this tbh. You are very vulnerable. Ask him yo marry you if he says no, you know where you stand. Although you do anyway. He doesn’t want to.

Exactly, when I discussed working, with my exP, he said can't your mum have DC after nursery and then you can collect on way home from work 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤣🤣 my job I had back then, I finished at 8pm 2 nights a week, so lol he did not care that I would collect our DS and it would be 10 at night before he would get home. And then it would be me getting up with DS the next morning to get him ready for nursery again, doing double the work. So my exP could stop off after work for his daily coffee or drink, or stay out longer for the evening. Or come home and 'relax' and talk on the phone until bed time, to all his family abroad with drink in hand, that's why as sad as I feel for our DC what kind of man his father is, and it is tough doing it all, I am so bloody glad I left that absolute waste of space!

Hi OP. The traditional set-up only works if you have the protection of marriage, as others have said.

I am in the same situation as you and (after reading a lot of threads on here) I had a complete freak out about the vulnerability of my situation at the end of last year. I'd had my head in the sand (a lot of context here - I'd had to give up work years ago due to mental health issues. I'm recovered now and subsequently had a child and became a SAHM but hadn't sorted out any financial security at all).

The short version, is that my partner and I are now getting married next month. I'm also now retraining and going to be returning to work (childminding from home) because (even with the protections of marriage) I never want to be this financially vulnerable again. I've been a complete idiot with my head in the sand, albeit with some justifiable reasons for that.

I'd say in your shoes that I'd follow the advice of other posters and look at retraining with a view to returning to work. If your partner challenges you, your line is that you need to do this because of the incredibly financially vulnerable position you are in. He should care that you are in this position, he should be marrying you as you'd discussed, but it is what it is for now, and you need to concentrate on yourself and your own security, in the absence of anything from him. Hopefully he'll make good on his word re. marriage, but at least (back at work after retraining) you'll be in a position where you don't have quite the same massive financial worries about how you'd manage if the relationship weren't to work out.

It's a horrible position to be in and I really empathise. For those of you who "just don't understand" how someone can end up in this position, some of us aren't as sensible as you or sometimes shitty life stuff trips you up and gets in the way. Abusive relationships happen, self-esteem plummets, things like that. Time passes A LOT faster than you think and suddenly you're hurtling towards pension age with nothing in place. It happens to quite a lot of us. Give yourselves giant pats on the back for not being as idiotic as people like me.

Agree with other posters.

Red flags all over the place.

I don’t have access to dhs bank accounts but I’m sure that if o wanted to see something he’d let me. But also they’re his accounts and sharing log ins is against bank policy etc and t&c’s.

So get a joint account. Make sure that enough to cover bills is put in each month.

If all bills are in your name change them to joint names.

Get working. Whether it’s something you can do from home or not. Do it. Get some sort of financial indeendance

Dh and I have been married for 10 years 2 dc. I’ve worked and still do. I work on the basis that if I had to I could support myself and the kids financially.

@Junoscup

He pays all the rent and bills but my name is the only one on the tenancy. I lived here as a single mother before he moved in.

So then you have done it previously on your own before your DP came along, how did you do it then, which will give insight as to how you can handle things now?!

'He doesn't want me to work. He doesn't want DD going to nursery'

My abusive ex said the same thing.

All about your youngest DD. So you neglected your older 2? That’s how it comes across

But why did you have a child with him?

Jeez. What does it matter now? She needs solutions not an interrogation.

I think he's got you right where he wants you but you're complicit in it because you really don't want to work. Is that right?

Being dependent on him means he can refuse whatever he wants and hide whatever he wants from you. He's not going to marry you so you will always be at his mercy. If you're not willing to accept that you need your own money. You really can't have it both ways.

@madmara

in order for him to have his job that is because you stay at home with your DC

I've never understood this argument. If this were actually true, every single family would need a SAHP. Single parents would not work. In reality, people use childcare so that they can work.

I think both the OP and her DP are getting something out of this arrangement although it is poorly managed and they could both be better off.

But it is true in a set up where things don't work or aren't organised properly.

OP - if you're still here I hope you're ok. I know this is AIBU but shame on some of the posters whose 'helpful' advice has been to blame you and just weigh in nastily. Just 'do one' to all of you that have posted those kind of responses and hope someone shows you some compassion if the world doesn't go your way.

OP, there is some good, straight advice on here about the vunerability of your position, it sounds as though you are physically safe but with signs of financial control in your relationship, and inequality.

Therefore on that basis it would be wise to act and get a plan in place, for work or retraining, and possibly putting some funds aside 'just in case'. There are many brilliant posters on here who have been in this situation and I'm sure they will help you, if they haven't appeared on here already maybe post for advice on relationships? It might feel overwhelming but you have time to sort this out, and if your partner is willing, maybe even resolve the issues in your relationship. But this won't happen without a catalyst to start the process. I have seen others recommend The Freedom project, maybe that is a good place to start - or maybe looking for a PT job is enough.
I wish you well and hope that others that have been in your situation, and got out of it, will be around to support you because it can be done.

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I think he's got you right where he wants you but you're complicit in it because you really don't want to work. Is that right?

Being dependent on him means he can refuse whatever he wants and hide whatever he wants from you. He's not going to marry you so you will always be at his mercy. If you're not willing to accept that you need your own money. You really can't have it both ways.

I suspect OP lacks confidence after her two abusive relationships and not getting her degree and that she already when she met her DP after the first abusive relationship. So she couldn’t earn decent money and was in a trap and saw “a traditional set up” as a way out of poverty for her two DC, But it was a trap. Of HIS making not hers.

So it’s not that she doesn’t want to work, it’s that she hasn’t been able to figure out a way to earn enough to support herself and two utter bastards have trapped her and ground her down.

Honestly, people on MN are so fucking rude to women who are in coercive relationships.

@Junoscup

We don't have a joint account. When I was working he would transfer money to my account and all bills came out of mine (I was living in this house before he moved in).

I have wanted to get married for years and he keeps saying he will ask. We have had many arguments about it.

He will ask ? WTF ? It's 2021, you aren't a Disney princess waiting patiently to be proposed to for goodness sake. Tell him you want to get married, organise a register office appointment and tell him what date to turn up. If he won't do it, bin him.