I'm a SAHM and dp won't give me access to his bank account.

[Junoscup]

We have 3 DC (eldest two aren't his). Our youngest is 18 months.
I am a SAHM, have been since pregnant with youngest.
After a lengthy period of not being ontop of finances and struggling to make ends meet, we are going to be calculating everything this weekend and coming up with a budget.
I have recently submitted his last 3 years (late) worth of self assessments (he is self employed and stopped using his accountant, long story) without being able to claim expenses for fuel and tools because he didn't keep his receipts.

He has been keeping them consistently for the last few months though since we submitted his tax returns.

I just asked him if I could have access to his bank account log in to assist me keeping on top of everything (all bills come out of his account).

He has said no. That he will be giving me his work expense receipts and that's all I will need, that he doesn't want to be nagged every time he buys something. I asked him if he intended on buying things that he wouldn't tell me about and he said no. I said, so what's the issue then and he said "I work, it's my money". I responded that this logic was flawed considering I am at home caring for his child and am not working because of this, am totally dependent on him etc so how is it his money and not both of ours.

I know what he gets paid because copies of his invoices get sent to our address from work every two weeks. I pointed out that I would know if there was money missing based on that and our bills etc....so what's the problem with me seeing this account.

This went round in circles and he didn't budge. It's his account and his money and he won't have me nagging him every time he spends money on a coffee or 20 quid on golf.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

You don't seem to have much of an appetite to improve your situation . You could start by stop breast feeding you 18 month old . That is a ridiculous luxury that you cannot afford to have . Look at getting a job .Do you get maintenance for your first two children

What a shitty thing to say. I breastfed my daughter until she was 3. AND I still worked - it’s not impossible. It’s not a luxury. A child 12+ months will easily wait for its mother to come home to breastfeed it. It can be done!

I'm sorry but he can't tell you you aren't allowed to work if you want to go and get a evening job get one they are always looking for Carer's. My husband and I have are own accounts and a bill account he pays more than me as he is full-time but we go half's on food shopping and on kids stuff and he can do what he wants with his money and I pay my debts off with mine which works for use ...

Oh, so he says that's his money? Then I hope he pays you for doing his taxes. And pays rent for living in your house.

Forget about his bank account op. It’s a red herring, the real problem is you don’t have a traditional relationship, you have a fuck you relationship. Get a weekend job and leave him with the children (I know they aren’t all his but you’ve been more than pulling your weight) because even if you’re not qualified having an employment history helps. For the same reason, look for a childminder who might take the little one a day or two a week so you can look for weekday work to have the experience.

Breastfeeding a "luxury"

Maybe if she's doing it in a bathtub full of champagne?

All the time I lived with my parents (back in 1960s) they never knew what I earned because I had all my private mail sent to a correspondence address. It really peeved my mother because she was a nosy bugger.

Sounds like it's time for you to start working again, it's not really up to him if your allowed to work or not. Do what's best for you.

In regards to the bank account, I don't have access to my husbands bank account, we don't even have a joint account. He pays the majority of the bills, I have a part time job and contribute what I can but whatever is left is our own money.
You need to come to an agreement that works and doesn't leave you short every month.
You mentioned you do dog walking? The dog Walker we use pushes her baby round with her and has done since he was 3 weeks old, is this not something you can do?

[quote Fiona2020]@Esspee How so? Most people I know with children aren’t married? I won’t be when I have one?[/quote]
That you need to ask this question is worrying, and it tells that you’re entering into a situation without all the facts, without taking responsibility for yourself and your unborn child.

Do you get maintainence for the other 2 kids,

@Junoscup

Quiz him on spending his own salary? So we're not making ends meet, I'm doing his tax returns, he won't let me work, I'm bringing up his baby and I'm not allowed to see what's going on with the money he earns? OK then.

You don’t have to do his tax returns if you don’t want to. But if you have the invoices and have the business expense receipts that is all you need for tax returns, you don’t need bank account login details.

I don’t have my husbands logon details and he doesn’t have mine. We both consider our money shared money and move it between us freely but there is no need to log into each other’s account.

He can’t stop you working, if you want to work then work. You do not have a traditional set up, if you did you would be married before children.

This is fixable op. You don't need access to his bank account but you do need access to his money. It should be family money. He can rectify this by getting married or by drawing up a legal document to protect you and by transferring half of what he has leftafter billls, groceries, household savings and children's clothes, toys, birthdays are paid to your account so you both have equal spends. You need to sit him down for a talk and explain how vulnerable you are. It's always award talking about money but it needs to be done. If he won't budge or just asks you to 'trust him' you have your answer. You will then need to get a full time job and save money to leave as he clearly doesn't respect you and it's only going to get worse.

Know your worth
You could be left with nothing in a split
Get married or get him out

Ejvd

All lovely advice for a woman whose partner isn’t a controlling arsehole.

Agree with ignoring the hostile remarks.

You need a plan!

You clearly have some skills since you were able to get his years of taxes in order.

Since you are home full time with your toddler, you have time to study online for a qualification. Something that will serve you well in the future, whether you are with him or not.

Accounting and technology work are good solid careers.
You could get an AAT certificate or diploma or one for IT Technical Support/ Helpdesk and be able to get a job.

You wouldn't even need to tell him or ask him about doing it.

You may of both wanted a traditional set up but you are far from having one. You aren’t married and 2 of the children aren’t his- he shouldn’t be paying for them and probably doesn’t want you to expect this.
You shouldn’t be a SAHM. Get a job, or re start your business and get yourself some financial independence.
I say this as a former SAHM mum, married with equal access to everything & no need to ask for anything, ever.

I’ve just read the rest of your posts OP. You have to borrow money from parents just to get by???? I’m sorry why the hell did you think you could be a SAHM? Did you not consider any of this before you got pregnant again? Did you not sit down together and check that you could both afford to have a child together? I really don’t understand how at 34 you’ve put yourself in this stupid situation. Yes you’ll have to rely on top ups, but you’re doing that anyway now from parents????

@skeenskeenjellybean

Hi OP. The traditional set-up only works if you have the protection of marriage, as others have said.

I am in the same situation as you and (after reading a lot of threads on here) I had a complete freak out about the vulnerability of my situation at the end of last year. I'd had my head in the sand (a lot of context here - I'd had to give up work years ago due to mental health issues. I'm recovered now and subsequently had a child and became a SAHM but hadn't sorted out any financial security at all).

The short version, is that my partner and I are now getting married next month. I'm also now retraining and going to be returning to work (childminding from home) because (even with the protections of marriage) I never want to be this financially vulnerable again. I've been a complete idiot with my head in the sand, albeit with some justifiable reasons for that.

I'd say in your shoes that I'd follow the advice of other posters and look at retraining with a view to returning to work. If your partner challenges you, your line is that you need to do this because of the incredibly financially vulnerable position you are in. He should care that you are in this position, he should be marrying you as you'd discussed, but it is what it is for now, and you need to concentrate on yourself and your own security, in the absence of anything from him. Hopefully he'll make good on his word re. marriage, but at least (back at work after retraining) you'll be in a position where you don't have quite the same massive financial worries about how you'd manage if the relationship weren't to work out.

It's a horrible position to be in and I really empathise. For those of you who "just don't understand" how someone can end up in this position, some of us aren't as sensible as you or sometimes shitty life stuff trips you up and gets in the way. Abusive relationships happen, self-esteem plummets, things like that. Time passes A LOT faster than you think and suddenly you're hurtling towards pension age with nothing in place. It happens to quite a lot of us. Give yourselves giant pats on the back for not being as idiotic as people like me.

This is a good post, although I’d be wary of pushing for a marriage in OPs case to gain financial security and find yourself wedded to a man who is already showing his colours as a controlling man.

So, he is
a) potentially in debt or doing something with his money he doesn’t want you to see
b) expects you to scrape by with only CB for the kids and nothing for you.
c) prevents you from earning any money of your own.
d) isn’t happy to look after his own child.

Did you say you borrow of relatives regularly? What is their opinion? Could they help with childcare?

From what you’ve told us, I think you need to leave him (ie he should leave your house) but I’m only a random on the internet.

If you’re committed to him I think it’s ultimatum time... you get some financial independence (job + joint acct for day to day expenses) + setting a date for a wedding/civil partnership even if just low key at register office for now.

Good luck op

You cannot force someone to marry you. If he wanted to marry you, he would’ve done it by now.
No point making excuses for him, if someone wants to do something they do it.

Suggest to him that you set up a joint account into which his income arrives and he pays business expenses, so you can track them, and he pays himself a private monthly allowance into his personal account out of that.

If he doesnt agree to this he doesn't see you as an equal partner in the family and business

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/protecting-against-financial-abuse

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

www.moneysavingexpert.com/

www.charityjob.co.uk/volunteer-jobs

You went to university so you have A levels or equivalent so you're not completely unqualified. Have a look at the volunteering from home roles, they will help you build skills & gain a reference. Then you can apply for paid roles but for now scale it back & gain skills.

nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/find-a-course/the-skills-toolkit

@DearFrutti

Oh, so he says that's his money? Then I hope he pays you for doing his taxes. And pays rent for living in your house.

He pays all the bills. That why she puts up with this stuff. She has no right to go through his account, just like he has no right to go though hers. As long as all the bills are paid and the kids have what they need (including the ones who aren't his) then he can spend his money how he likes. If she doesnt like the situation she needs to do something about it.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Since your previous relationship was abusive & your current one is financially abusive, it might be worth doing the freed programme online. It will help you recognise signs of abuse particularly for future relationships. Women who've been in abusive relationships are more likely to go into another abusive relationship.

From day dot of moving in together we had a shared account that we paid money into and all household expenses go out of.

For a long time we did it so that we were left with a budget in our own accounts that was the same and all the rest went into the shared, so that for a while I was paying more in than him. Since marriage and kids it's reversed, and he earns a lot more than me, has more than me after the joint account but always pays for extras eg meals etc.

I wonder if there's a way you can run a joint account that he pays into for household bills etc and he has some of his own money. Then if you do go back to work you add to it too.

@DearFrutti

Oh, so he says that's his money? Then I hope he pays you for doing his taxes. And pays rent for living in your house.

Pays rent for living in her house, he literally pays every single bill as she doesn’t work.

Your best bet is to do what WarriorN suggests & open a joint account for bills & maintain separate accounts for personal expenditure. Also mention to him that if he dies or is incapacitated then you legally can't access his account to feed his child. So opening a joint account would ensure that the needs of his child is taken care of.

I'd also suggest you do a will so your kids are taken care of in case you died before they are 18. Lots of charities are doing free wills for a donation atm under the free will week scheme. Take advantage of that as you'll only need a standard will. MIND, the mental health charity, is doing it in my local area so worth looking to see if it's nationwide.