I'm a SAHM and dp won't give me access to his bank account.

[Junoscup]

We have 3 DC (eldest two aren't his). Our youngest is 18 months.
I am a SAHM, have been since pregnant with youngest.
After a lengthy period of not being ontop of finances and struggling to make ends meet, we are going to be calculating everything this weekend and coming up with a budget.
I have recently submitted his last 3 years (late) worth of self assessments (he is self employed and stopped using his accountant, long story) without being able to claim expenses for fuel and tools because he didn't keep his receipts.

He has been keeping them consistently for the last few months though since we submitted his tax returns.

I just asked him if I could have access to his bank account log in to assist me keeping on top of everything (all bills come out of his account).

He has said no. That he will be giving me his work expense receipts and that's all I will need, that he doesn't want to be nagged every time he buys something. I asked him if he intended on buying things that he wouldn't tell me about and he said no. I said, so what's the issue then and he said "I work, it's my money". I responded that this logic was flawed considering I am at home caring for his child and am not working because of this, am totally dependent on him etc so how is it his money and not both of ours.

I know what he gets paid because copies of his invoices get sent to our address from work every two weeks. I pointed out that I would know if there was money missing based on that and our bills etc....so what's the problem with me seeing this account.

This went round in circles and he didn't budge. It's his account and his money and he won't have me nagging him every time he spends money on a coffee or 20 quid on golf.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

You are vulnerable and I think lacking confidence in your win abilities. You see him as a savior and he’s not saving you is he?

Why would someone who loves you treat you like this? He can leave at any point and you will have nothing.

If I've got this right - you're in financial trouble, but he won't let you work, he won't let the little one go to nursery, he won't show you his account details, despite you having to pull his arse out of the fire by doing his accounts for him, and he WON'T MOVE OUT of your house??! And you have no access to money, and he won't marry you? You are in deep trouble. Please stop rationalising, you must get him out and get self reliant. It's going to be tough, but it will get better, and it won't get better until he's gone. He has no right to stay. Get friends or family or police to make him leave.

Your way out of this is to get a job and slap him with half the childcare bills. Or leave him with the children. Why are you taking this crap? Not read all the thread but I hope you are married else you have no leg to stand on.

Nope I wouldnt give my husband access to my personal bank account and he is the same with his. We have a joint account we both pay into.

Could you compromise on him setting up a business account and you doing the books with access to that?

Ok you are not married. Even better. Pick up your things and your kids and just leave. That’s what I’d do.

@CookieDoughKid

Ok you are not married. Even better. Pick up your things and your kids and just leave. That’s what I’d do.

It's her house.

Tbh 2 of his dc aren't his so you've left yourself very vulnerable as you're not married, I hope you have cb in you're own separate account and any tax credits or uc.

don't have any other concerns about our relationship. He works really hard at his job, he's brilliant with the kids, he's a calm loving person.

The fact that he keeps you and the kids entirely reliant on controlled access to “his” money for survival ought to be enough of a concern. The current situation is highly abusive IMO.

@Junoscup

We rent. I had my own dog walking business before I gave it up to be SAHM to our baby. This was something we both wanted, a 'traditional' set up, I am still bf and she is very attached to me (I can't even leave her with my mum for an hour without her being very distressed). I have my own car and this is mine, owned outright. He has a van he leases from the company he works for (he is subcontracted so that they don't have to pay employee benefits, but is basically employed by them in all but name)

Well HMRC might have something to say about that...be careful

He will ask ? WTF ? It's 2021, you aren't a Disney princess waiting patiently to be proposed to for goodness sake. Tell him you want to get married, organise a register office appointment and tell him what date to turn up. If he won't do it, bin him.

Agree with that.

It feels to me that you and your DP feel differently about your relationship.

You are treating it as if you are married, and 50% of what he earns is yours - he is treating it like this is a partnership 'for now', so his money is his. TBH OP if you aren't married you don't have a 'traditional set up' and more importantly you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position.

Can you get married? If you can you should. Yes he is being unreasonable, but because you aren't a permanent partnership he seems to have found a way to square it in his head.

@Junoscup

I'm going to bow out of the thread now. I already stated twice I'm taking on board the advice and will look for work but a few posters are being really nasty. Thanks for everyone who has been helpful.

Just make sure you get him out.

First things first.

And he can sort his own tax mess out too

Could be like my online account where when I log in it doesn't just show my current account (for which you know what he gets paid and spends in your scenario) but mine also displays 2 of the savings accounts I have as they are with the same bank. He may have savings he doesn't want you to know about/spend as he may be saving for something specific?

I don't have my husbands log in details and he doesn't have mine for our personal accounts as they are in our sole names. We have a joint account where money is paid in and all bills come out that way we are both able to monitor the account where there would be consequences for our personal credit scores etc if things went unpaid. Perhaps you could agree to set up a joint account in both names that he sets up a standing order to send his wages (or a portion of them) to this and have all the bills come out as direct debits if this would make you feel more secure and he doesn't have to compromise on privacy.

@Junoscup, please keep us updated on how he responds to your insisting on going back to work. Based on his behaviour so far, I'm genuinely concerned that he's going to try and manipulate you out of it, possibly through financial coercion.

Also, I'd advise you to stop working on his accounts entirely unless he pays you for it. If he's not willing to pay you for your work, he can do it himself or he can find an accountant to do it.

You are very wrong if you think most Mumsnetters have high flying careers and fancy lives. I didn’t finish my university course but still have a respectable civil service admin job and have managed to buy a modest house. Sure I have an old car and don’t buy new furniture much or have a shiny new bathroom or kitchen but that’s okay. I’m supporting myself and have my independence.

I'm not in the UK so I'll preface this by saying I know squat about benefits or UC.

Based on what you've said, you have lived in your current HA home as a single mum (presumably of 2 children). Now you're a single mum of 3. So you DO know how to survive as a single parent.

You say that you and this man are 'barely making ends meet'. Have you ever checked to see how much you'd receive on benefits/UC without him? Even if you 'barely make ends meet' on benefits/UC you'd be better off without him. Whatever money you receive would be YOURS to budget and spend as you choose without having to beg and cajole. How draining and soul-destroying that is!

Plus, wouldn't you get CM for at least the child you share with him if he has a steady job? The lack of mental stress and probable reduction in expenses (less food, less water, less elec, etc) might actually mean you could make it on a lower monthly income.

I know there are websites and organizations out there that can help you figure this all out. In the meantime, do you have any friends or family you can lean on for emotional support at least?

Wow - a lot of negative comments here!

Don't stop breastfeeding your toddler until you or the child are ready.

Its understandable and reasonable that he and/or you don't want the child to go to nursery. If it suits you, perhaps you could stay at home until the child is either old enough to get some government funded days at nursery or to go to school. Then you could train or educate yourself, get a job, or start a business.

The marriage situation is silly though. If there are legal (or other) advantages to you to being married (I don't know if there are), then if he cares about your welfare, he should do it immediately. You can do the wedding party at some future time, but the legal bit needs doing now. He can buy a fancy ring and do a fancy proposal after the marriage, if he wants.

yabu for wanting to see his bank accounts. I wouldn't show anybody mine. However, you do need to allocate pocket money between you in a way that is fair. It's not acceptable if you are being financially controlled and he isnt, so take steps to avoid this happening.

In a "traditional setup", what's his is yours. His money is your money. But he can still have a private bank account for his pocket money.

It sounds like getting a job wont make much difference to your financial security if he leaves you within the next couple of years? In which case stay at home with your child as you want to, and get a job when shes ready for childcare or it becomes state funded. A lot of people are telling you to get a job now, but it doesn't sound like it'll make much difference if you get a job in 18 months instead.

I’ll never understand why women agree to have children without being married. I puts you at a huge disadvantage for the rest of your life.

You ‘both’ wanted a ‘traditional relationship’ except you’re the one taking all the risks and he is getting all the benefits. His response to you wanting to be married is that he’ll ask you to marry him sometime. Right.

You’re not happy with people saying you should get a job, but my guess is you don’t really understand how financially vulnerable you are. He holds all the cards because it’s his money, as he says he earned it, and your household contributions mean nothing.

It doesn’t matter that your income won’t be as high as his. That really isn’t the point.

I think you just want us to tell you he’s unreasonable for not letting you look at his bank balance. I mean, yes, he is, but in the big picture, it’s really not the most unreasonable thing about this situation. Certainly nothing you say is going to change his mind. He’s obviously calling all the shots and you are happy with that. Good luck.

It isn’t your money though? You choose to stay at home. I wouldn’t want my OH going through my bank seeing how much I spend on Pret/Greggs coffee!

Please stop relying on Him. Get your business back and take control of your own finances. You can split the childcare costs!
I couldn’t stand to be supported and having to “ask” for money.

Things that jump out at me.
He doesn't want me to work.
He doesn't want dd in nursery.
He has control of the money.
If he was so traditional he would of married you before dd or atleast when expecting. You need to decide what you want if you want to work go for it its not his decision.

I don't understand why your DP doesn't want you to work, if you are earning your own money (even if it is a third of what he earns) it means the household will have more money so you won't have to keep borrowing, and could even afford o buy yourselves and the kids more nice things?
If he was earning £1500 a month and you 'only' brought in £500, that's £2,000 and will benefit you all?
Is the only reason he doesn't want you to work the fact that he doesn't want to care for your child?

@Esspee How so? Most people I know with children aren’t married? I won’t be when I have one?

[quote Fiona2020]@Esspee How so? Most people I know with children aren’t married? I won’t be when I have one?[/quote]
Because having a child as a woman immediately sets you on the back foot. As sad as it is in this day and age.

If you don’t have a solid, well paying, secure job to go back to you are relying on a man. And as lovely as men can be, they can also be total fucks.

To be unmarried, with a child and relying on someone else to make sure you’re not destitute is a very stupid plan.

Being married affords you the protection of finances, housing (if you own) and pension.

I was an unmarried mum who became single very quickly after birth. Thankfully I own my home outright and had a very good career to go back to, and incredible family support. I don’t even want to imagine what would have happened had I not already had all that.

If you’re going to have babies, GET MARRIED FIRST. Protect yourself. And never, ever, ever, ever be a SAHM if you’re not married.

Have you checked if you're entitled to UC ? They could cover some of the nursery costs.

You could just walk a couple of dogs a day for an income, that would be £100 a week (on rates round here) manageable with a toddler and would help the family finances.