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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm a SAHM and dp won't give me access to his bank account.

340 replies

Junoscup · 26/02/2021 19:51

We have 3 DC (eldest two aren't his). Our youngest is 18 months.
I am a SAHM, have been since pregnant with youngest.
After a lengthy period of not being ontop of finances and struggling to make ends meet, we are going to be calculating everything this weekend and coming up with a budget.
I have recently submitted his last 3 years (late) worth of self assessments (he is self employed and stopped using his accountant, long story) without being able to claim expenses for fuel and tools because he didn't keep his receipts.

He has been keeping them consistently for the last few months though since we submitted his tax returns.

I just asked him if I could have access to his bank account log in to assist me keeping on top of everything (all bills come out of his account).

He has said no. That he will be giving me his work expense receipts and that's all I will need, that he doesn't want to be nagged every time he buys something. I asked him if he intended on buying things that he wouldn't tell me about and he said no. I said, so what's the issue then and he said "I work, it's my money". I responded that this logic was flawed considering I am at home caring for his child and am not working because of this, am totally dependent on him etc so how is it his money and not both of ours.

I know what he gets paid because copies of his invoices get sent to our address from work every two weeks. I pointed out that I would know if there was money missing based on that and our bills etc....so what's the problem with me seeing this account.

This went round in circles and he didn't budge. It's his account and his money and he won't have me nagging him every time he spends money on a coffee or 20 quid on golf.

AIBU to think this is not OK?

OP posts:
LEELULUMPKIN · 26/02/2021 21:41

Were you married to the father of your elder 2 children OP?

RickiTarr · 26/02/2021 21:42

Sorry. A lot of typos in my post.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 21:42

I'm lying and something doesn't add up? Hmm

I think my age, the age of my 3 dc and my situation with current and ex could be extremely outing to people that know me and also use mumsnet. Why are people so keen on troll hunting. Yes Mumsnet please verify my un-trolliness. I'm a regular user but name changed for this post.

OP posts:
madmara · 26/02/2021 21:43

in order for him to have his job that is because you stay at home with your DC

I've never understood this argument. If this were actually true, every single family would need a SAHP. Single parents would not work. In reality, people use childcare so that they can work.

I think both the OP and her DP are getting something out of this arrangement although it is poorly managed and they could both be better off.

duckduckswan · 26/02/2021 21:43

He’s in the wrong in shouting you down by saying you will nag him but I wouldn’t like my husband looking through all my bank statements whether he passed comment or not. I do my self employed dh accounts and we have a free business account from Santander. Makes life a lot easier and a lot simpler for budgeting. I don’t think he sounds great with money if he’s only just started saving his receipts.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 21:44

I'm going to bow out of the thread now. I already stated twice I'm taking on board the advice and will look for work but a few posters are being really nasty. Thanks for everyone who has been helpful.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 26/02/2021 21:44

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

You don't have a traditional set up.

In a traditional set up where both parties agree one party isnt going to work, the couple are married, and the earner hands over their pay packet every week and the SAHP has full access to the money which is 100% family money.

Not always, I know someone married with a few kids, they pay the bills, for half the food I think and the tv contract etc, and that's it, they don't allow access or give extra to their DW.
RickiTarr · 26/02/2021 21:45

@Junoscup

I'm lying and something doesn't add up? Hmm

I think my age, the age of my 3 dc and my situation with current and ex could be extremely outing to people that know me and also use mumsnet. Why are people so keen on troll hunting. Yes Mumsnet please verify my un-trolliness. I'm a regular user but name changed for this post.

Others will disagree but that’s just good sense.

Giving exact a/s/l and other details is just unsafe online.

LEELULUMPKIN · 26/02/2021 21:45

So were you married to the Father of the other kids or not OP?

Ihatefish · 26/02/2021 21:45

Why on earth do people put themselves in a position of relying on someone else for money if they don’t have to? So if you check his bank account, find out he’s spending money on someone or something you don’t approve of what then???

PickAChew · 26/02/2021 21:46

In a traditional set up, you would be married and not losing earnings with no protection and no access to money.

DedlyMedally · 26/02/2021 21:46

Your options seem to be to get a job, twist his arm into marrying you or resolve to keep his so happy that he won't even think of leaving (which is unlikely).
He has no financial obligation to you (apart from child maintenance) whilst you're unmarried.
If he wanted to be married to you, he would be. Marriage will be solely detrimental to him, so I can understand why he wouldn't be rushing to do it.

ChrissyPlummer · 26/02/2021 21:48

Not troll-hunting just a question. If you want proper answers and suggestions, it’s usually easier to be truthful. A 14 year old (for example) wouldn’t need childcare and may even be able to be trusted to babysit siblings. A primary school aged child is different and so the advice will depend on what you say.

SimonJT · 26/02/2021 21:48

Giving exact a/s/l and other details is just unsafe online.

Yes, but at least be consistent, I change my childs age etc and things about me. But they’re consistent, so I’m not a parent of a ten year old in one post and a 14 yeae old in another.

AnneElliott · 26/02/2021 21:48

You have had some harsh responses op.

But I think you should re start your dog walking business during the day and take DD with you. He can't stop you and the money would be yours.

At the same time apply for supermarket jobs and yes look at courses that you could do online.

Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 21:49

@LEELULUMPKIN

So were you married to the Father of the other kids or not OP?
No.
OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 26/02/2021 21:49

@Junoscup

I wanted to get evening and weekend work to contribute and he has stated that he won't allow it because our dd "needs me". The fact is we are not coping financially. We borrow money from parents every month and still can't cover everything. He just says "I'll earn more next month" and it goes on and on.
Well if he won't allow it then he needs to step up, no in today's world it shouldn't fall just on one parent to earn and do it all, it's hard and expensive. But as he has full time child care, he has full opportunity to work freely with no restrictions. Are you sure he doesn't want to keep you at home, sorry without scrolling back not sure if you said how long you've been together, was just wondering how long you was together before you had your child. My exP wanted me at home until our DC was 5 🤦‍♀️🤣 but didn't want to do anything to make that possible. Note that he swanned in and out daily, so could never of stayed at home 5 years himself!!
Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 21:51

@SimonJT

Giving exact a/s/l and other details is just unsafe online.

Yes, but at least be consistent, I change my childs age etc and things about me. But they’re consistent, so I’m not a parent of a ten year old in one post and a 14 yeae old in another.

FFS. Here you go: I'm 34. My eldest is 12. I had first when I was 21. Do you want their birthdate too.
OP posts:
Original poster
Junoscup · 26/02/2021 21:52

@Redruby2020 we were together for 5 years before we had our child.

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 26/02/2021 21:52

@mrurddhasabitpart

Well you've clearly made a huge mistake. But at least you know now and can start to make moves toward regaining your financial stability. It will be hard as he won't like having to pay for his childcare nor will he enjoy having to take equal time off for emergencies. But it's necessary as you and therefore your children , have no stability nor protection as you aren't married.

When you look to start work and he tries to fight you down, he will say that there's no pint becaise your income will be eaten up by childcare- 1- remind him that it's only half your bill. 2- short term loss for long term gain. You can build a career whilst having little income so that in years to come when childcare isn't a cost, you have a good income

Yes true, and you can get working tax credits and child tax credits if you pay for care, well you could before not sure now, they usually try to push you over to Universal Credit.
PurpleBiro21 · 26/02/2021 21:54

Ok OP.

In general will he transfer money to you when you need it?

Let’s say one of his step children need a pair of shoes. Will he just transfer/buy them or do you have to buy out of CB?

nimbuscloud · 26/02/2021 21:54

FFS. Here you go: I'm 34. My eldest is 12. I had first when I was 21. Do you want their birthdate too.

Stop getting ratty with other posters. If you’re a regular poster then you must know that there are many trolls.

RickiTarr · 26/02/2021 21:56

Ignore the hostile posts OP. You’ve made some mistakes. We all do one way or the other, and you can rescue yourself from this one step at a time. Flowers

Redruby2020 · 26/02/2021 21:56

@Owwlie

I wanted to get evening and weekend work to contribute and he has stated that he won't allow it because our dd "needs me

What this actually means is he can’t be arsed to do the parenting of an evening or weekend when you aren’t there. It’s more convenient for him that you don’t work.

YABU for expecting to have his bank login details. DH and I have them noted down so that they can be accessed if something happens to one of us, but we’re married. I wouldn’t have given those details before marriage.

Don’t argue with him to marry you either, just get yourself set up more independent. Tell him you’re getting a job, you really need it for financial security. He could walk away tomorrow leaving you unemployed with 3 kids.

She'd be better off, she could claim benefits then, sorry I might get jumped on for that, but it's not a shame, many work and get top up's, and plus you are required to work when on it anyway, so nothing wrong at all!
madmara · 26/02/2021 21:56

Stop getting ratty with other posters. If you’re a regular poster then you must know that there are many trolls

Regular posters know that troll hunting isn't allowed and that they should just report suspected trolls.