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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's Plans

313 replies

TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 15:57

DH has made various plans this weekend. Mostly for Saturday, these include having a Covid Test, visiting his DF and cleaning out his car for resale.

I'm kind of annoyed about it. Firstly, because he seems to always make plans for the weekends, solo plans, without talking to me first. He works FT all week and like most only has weekends off. Every other weekend we have his children to stay and he never makes solo plans for those weekends and expects us all to have family time but it feels like he isn't interested in having family time on the weekends we don't have them to stay, he'd rather do DIY or make solo plans.

So I spend all week looking after our toddler and then come the weekend, would like us to spend time together as a family. So, for example, this Saturday, it's just expected that I'll spend all day looking after our toddler whilst he goes off and does his things. It's really starting to annoy me. AIBU.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 27/02/2021 09:33

@TheEasterBunnies

So I said to him last night, that when the weather starts improving it would be nice for us to pencil in some more plans for the three of us at the weekends. He nodded and then proceeded to mention he's trying to get the DSC bikes so we can all go out bike riding together. I responded and said I wasn't talking about the weekended with the DSC and that I meant we should do more together just the three of us, he said "oh..." and this is exactly the thing I'm talking about.
So where did the discussion go then?

Perfect time for you to say

“It might be irrational but I feel a bit like you never want to spend any family time just us and DC”

and see what he said to that...

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 09:34

@Franpan

EarringsandLipstick

I’m entirely serious. He has a weekend and a child. He’s behaving like he has a weekend and no child. Why does he get to make solo plans and assume his partner will do the childcare? Bizarre.

You're just being ridiculous. Are you OP? 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's been explained to you (courtesy of information OP has provided) why this isn't the case.

You seem determined to create a fictional narrative tho.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 09:34

@Franpan

And BTW obviously that’s fine if both partners get to do it. But the OP isn’t getting to do it.
What's stopping her? She's hours & hours available to her.
Aprilx · 27/02/2021 09:35

@Franpan

But again, these are not plans, these are simply things he needs to do and can only do at the weekend.

He doesn’t need to spend all weekend doing a favour for a mate. He doesn’t need to visit his father. These are wants. The OP is picking up after his wants. What about her need for a break from solo parenting?

He once did a favour for a mate, good grief can he not even do that anymore. The jobs for this weekend were not whole of weekend things.
luxxlisbon · 27/02/2021 09:35

@Franpan

And BTW obviously that’s fine if both partners get to do it. But the OP isn’t getting to do it.
Except OP has said if she ever had plans she needed or wanted to do her husband would stay at home with the toddler and be completely fine about it.
Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 09:35

We've had those discussions before he'll deny it and tell me I'm ridiculous

OP posts:
scubadub · 27/02/2021 09:36

@Franpan
He's getting a Covid test...Hmm
Visiting his df
And cleaning the bloody car!! He has already said he will take the child while he does 2 of the 3!! Even if he didn't I'm guessing he'll be gone for a max of 4hours of the weekend depending on how long he visits df for...hardly much to leave your other half to "parent" it's not fucking childcare when the mother is doing it. Same as when a father has the kids he is not babysitting.

NoSquirrels · 27/02/2021 09:36

@Franpan

EarringsandLipstick

I’m entirely serious. He has a weekend and a child. He’s behaving like he has a weekend and no child. Why does he get to make solo plans and assume his partner will do the childcare? Bizarre.

Because his “solo plans” appear to be getting to visit his dad (impossible until recently, and which he invited OP and DC along) and cleaning out his car. Hardly swanning off fancy free for jollies.

This is more about OP’s emotional reaction than his “plans”.

NoSquirrels · 27/02/2021 09:37

@TheEasterBunnies

We've had those discussions before he'll deny it and tell me I'm ridiculous
You can’t deal with a communication problem by stopping communicating.
Franpan · 27/02/2021 09:37

Except OP has said if she ever had plans she needed or wanted to do her husband would stay at home with the toddler and be completely fine about it.

Would he be fine with her doing it every week? Hmm

NoSquirrels · 27/02/2021 09:39

You didn’t need to say how you feel, even.

When he said “oh”, you could have said “I was thinking we could do X with DC, and I’d love to go to Y”

Talk practicalities if he feels attacked by emotional stuff. Be the change etc

Franpan · 27/02/2021 09:40

and cleaning out his car. Hardly swanning off fancy free for jollies.

Maybe he could clean out his car another week? Given he has already allocated his partner for sole childcare while he sees his dad. Or maybe the car is fine and doesn’t need to be cleared out?

We are all familiar with the list of jobs some individuals use to avoid spending time with their children. Let’s not pretend that this isn’t the OP’s partner carving out time for himself and calling it chores. Helping his mate out all weekend isn’t a chore, it’s spending the weekend with his mate. Come on.

Franpan · 27/02/2021 09:41

it's not fucking childcare when the mother is doing it. Same as when a father has the kids he is not babysitting.

What? Of course it is childcare. Babysitting means something different.

Anyway, that isn’t the issue here. The issue is the OP’s partner’s habit of planning ‘his’ weekend without negotiation with his partner.

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 09:41

Yes, I have a magical toddler that sleeps until 9-10. So what? I didn't do anything, that's just how he is and how he's always been. He's been sleeping through the night and waking up at that time since he was 3 months old. I wake up when he wakes up just like most of Mothers. They wake when their child wakes. In regards to the shopping, DH will get the click and collect if the only slot I can get is between 7 and 8. Otherwise I get the shopping in the day or after work. I plan all the shopping and meals, I do the majority of the cooking. I do all the cleaning. DH looks after the pets, changes the bins and does the dishwasher.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 27/02/2021 09:44

Franpan did you RTFT? Or even just the OP’s posts? Like this one

So this evening, DH stopped at the shop on his way home to get me a drink, came home, bathed the toddler, read him a story and put him to bed and then he kept me company while I had a bath, fetched a towel for me and wrapped me in it. And he's said, he'll take the toddler with him tomorrow every where, apart from to the covid test centre.

Downthefarm · 27/02/2021 09:45

Yes it's the fa t there's no discussion-"this is what I'm going to do". As though he is child free. Perhaps he thinks that you are the childcare, both sorts of weekends.

WithMyOldCockLinnet · 27/02/2021 09:45

YANBU but you need to be direct about this and propose a constructive solution.

Early in the week say ‘what do you need to get done at the weekend? I want to spend time doing XYZ without the toddler in tow, so want to make sure we plan enough time. And what about taking toddler to abc on Sunday morning, that would be fun”.

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 09:46

@Franpan

Except OP has said if she ever had plans she needed or wanted to do her husband would stay at home with the toddler and be completely fine about it.

Would he be fine with her doing it every week? Hmm

No he wouldn't. The odd weekend yes but not every weekend. Pre Lockdown we would go to his Dad's for lunch every other sunday when we have the DSC. I missed a few Sundays in a row to do my own thing and he moaned that his side of the family hadn't seen me in ages and when would I be coming, etc. Another time I spent one solitary Saturday doing some DIY and he looked after the toddler. He got the hump, got all depressed, snapped at the toddler, etc. When I brought it up, he said he hates being unproductive and just sitting down all day, makes him feel miserable and think of the fact that his other kids aren't here, etc. I suggested he go for a walk with the toddler. He didn't. He just sat there all day feeling sorry for himself.
OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 27/02/2021 09:46

The OP has also said if she made plans for a weekend and put it on a calendar he would be fine with it.

It’s a communication issue exacerbated by lockdown (nowhere to go, nothing to ‘plan’ for) and a touch of blended family ages & stages emotions.

He really doesn’t sound like an arse.

Franpan · 27/02/2021 09:46

NoSquirrels

I did read it. And I still think there’s an issue with the way this or something similar happens every weekend that the DP a doesn’t have his other four children. He is not working out with his partner how they can both be happy for the time to be spent.

NoSquirrels · 27/02/2021 09:47

Well that’s a drip feed, Easter Hmm

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 09:47

@Downthefarm

Yes it's the fa t there's no discussion-"this is what I'm going to do". As though he is child free. Perhaps he thinks that you are the childcare, both sorts of weekends.
That's exactly it. He plans to do things as though he's child free and I'm just the default parent. Rather than working out a weekend plan together.
OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 09:47

@TheEasterBunnies

Yes, I have a magical toddler that sleeps until 9-10. So what? I didn't do anything, that's just how he is and how he's always been. He's been sleeping through the night and waking up at that time since he was 3 months old. I wake up when he wakes up just like most of Mothers. They wake when their child wakes. In regards to the shopping, DH will get the click and collect if the only slot I can get is between 7 and 8. Otherwise I get the shopping in the day or after work. I plan all the shopping and meals, I do the majority of the cooking. I do all the cleaning. DH looks after the pets, changes the bins and does the dishwasher.
Nope. If I had a child that slept till after 9, I'd absolutely be up early using that time.

As it is, I've spent years as a single working parent getting up at 530/6 to get chores done before my kids get up at the normal time of 7.

Your attitude is so ridiculously entitled OP.

NoSquirrels · 27/02/2021 09:47

@Franpan

NoSquirrels

I did read it. And I still think there’s an issue with the way this or something similar happens every weekend that the DP a doesn’t have his other four children. He is not working out with his partner how they can both be happy for the time to be spent.

Yes. Communication issue.
Franpan · 27/02/2021 09:47

Another time I spent one solitary Saturday doing some DIY and he looked after the toddler. He got the hump, got all depressed, snapped at the toddler, etc. When I brought it up, he said he hates being unproductive and just sitting down all day, makes him feel miserable and think of the fact that his other kids aren't here, etc. I suggested he go for a walk with the toddler. He didn't. He just sat there all day feeling sorry for himself.

And here it is. No, he is not happy for his partner to behave as he wants the freedom to behave himself.

Shocking (not).

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