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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's Plans

313 replies

TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 15:57

DH has made various plans this weekend. Mostly for Saturday, these include having a Covid Test, visiting his DF and cleaning out his car for resale.

I'm kind of annoyed about it. Firstly, because he seems to always make plans for the weekends, solo plans, without talking to me first. He works FT all week and like most only has weekends off. Every other weekend we have his children to stay and he never makes solo plans for those weekends and expects us all to have family time but it feels like he isn't interested in having family time on the weekends we don't have them to stay, he'd rather do DIY or make solo plans.

So I spend all week looking after our toddler and then come the weekend, would like us to spend time together as a family. So, for example, this Saturday, it's just expected that I'll spend all day looking after our toddler whilst he goes off and does his things. It's really starting to annoy me. AIBU.

OP posts:
TomorrowsPrincess · 27/02/2021 10:02

I get it now!!!
If I was your husband i wouldn't want to do anything with you either! He's making 'solo plans' so he doesn't have to spend any time with your moaning arse! He does his fair share and you still moan and nit pick!
He sounds pretty decent to me...... I'd treasure him if I was you.... before he goes and finds someone who will!
Do you actually show him any appreciation for all the hard work he seems to do?
Now get off MN and go pay your lovely husband some proper attention! 😕🤷🏼‍♀️😂

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 27/02/2021 10:02

@TheEasterBunnies

What's entitled about sleeping in until 9-10?
I mean you’re basically living like a trust fund baby but whatever. Bit much to claim you’re the overworked one of the “partnership” though
NoSquirrels · 27/02/2021 10:02

I’m assuming that as we’ve been in a pandemic and locked up for the best part of 12 months, this dynamic is only really appearing now that your DC is out of the baby stage.

You can adjust stuff so you’re both happy, unless you’re determined to be miserable. He really doesn’t sound like a complete selfish bastard.

Franpan · 27/02/2021 10:04

He's making 'solo plans' so he doesn't have to spend any time with your moaning arse! He does his fair share and you still moan and nit pick!

Oh my god.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 27/02/2021 10:04

@TheEasterBunnies

And tbh, if you saw the state of his car... it'll take all day to clean! It's disgusting. But I'll help him do it.
Just how messy does a car get that it takes all day to clean?

DH is a plasterer and I'm a dog walker so both our cars get pretty filthy but they've never taken more than an hour or two to clear out, tops.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 10:04

@Franpan

Earring

I am not going to argue with you. It’s in black and green - the OP has said it’s frequently all day.

She really really hasn't.

She has said she's previously gone & done her own activities, and he's fine with this - except once.

She sleeps in till 9 or 10 each day. Her toddler goes to bed at 7. She has oodles of time.

He takes care of DS when she works. He collects the shopping. Puts him to bed. Makes sure OP has a chance for a bath etc.

You're not reading the posts evidently.

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 10:05

@Itslookinglikeabeautifulday

YANBU - why do you get to lone-parent a toddler at the weekend while he’s free to plan/do as he pleases? My DH was like this when our DC were little. It was infuriating. He used to go off doing very important things in his shed/the garden because he “enjoyed tinkering”. Regardless of what he is choosing to do each weekend it is the fact he has the choice and you don’t. How is that fair?
Yeah, exactly. He enjoys DIY and playing around with cars and his shed. He hates being unproductive. Those things are his equivalent of going out with mates. And he plans to do those things every week without discussion and expects me to work around it.
OP posts:
Franpan · 27/02/2021 10:05

I mean you’re basically living like a trust fund baby but whatever. Bit much to claim you’re the overworked one of the “partnership” though

Shock

The OP looks after her child all day and then works in the evening. Are you mad?

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 10:05

But I'll help him do it.

You said you wouldn't, previously.

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 10:06

It's a big car. More of a van. It's covered in grease, oil, full of crap, food, tools, etc.

OP posts:
Franpan · 27/02/2021 10:06

*She has said she's previously gone & done her own activities, and he's fine with this - except once.

She sleeps in till 9 or 10 each day. Her toddler goes to bed at 7. She has oodles of time.*

She works in the evening.

Jesus. And she has said that the one time she did what he does at nearly every opportunity, he was moany, snappy and depressed.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 27/02/2021 10:06

@Franpan

scubadub

What pedantic nonsense. It doesn’t matter what we call it. The child has two parents. One doesn’t get to dispose of every second weekend leaving the other to do the PARENTING alone without consultation.

But he's not doing that. He's said he'll take the toddler with him to see his dad, for starters.

OP has the opportunity for plenty of alone time. The fact that she chooses to spend half her morning in bed is on her - she could get up and have three hours of time to herself every single day if she wanted.

She doesn't need to play the martyr and insist on cleaning the kitchen at midnight.

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 10:07

How so?

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 27/02/2021 10:07

She works in the evening.

For an hour and a half. She's not at work from 4pm until midnight. And she said upthread she starts work before 7pm and her husband does the bedtime routine - so let's not pretend she's really hard done by with zero chance for any time alone.

Franpan · 27/02/2021 10:08

But he's not doing that. He's said he'll take the toddler with him to see his dad, for starters.

This time, he has said this. That isn’t the point. He does this every second weekend, and when the OP behaves in a similar way he gets cranky.

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 10:08

@TomorrowsPrincess

I get it now!!! If I was your husband i wouldn't want to do anything with you either! He's making 'solo plans' so he doesn't have to spend any time with your moaning arse! He does his fair share and you still moan and nit pick! He sounds pretty decent to me...... I'd treasure him if I was you.... before he goes and finds someone who will! Do you actually show him any appreciation for all the hard work he seems to do? Now get off MN and go pay your lovely husband some proper attention! 😕🤷🏼‍♀️😂
Lol
OP posts:
Franpan · 27/02/2021 10:09

sunflowersandbuttercups

I am not pretending she’s hard done by. These two people work in the week. They have the weekend off. They are both entitled to a say in how that time is spent with regards to childcare.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 10:09

The OP looks after her child all day and then works in the evening. Are you mad?

Are you?

She gets up between 9 & 10. Child in bed by 7 / 730. She has one child.

She works while her DH looks after DC. (Unless she doesn't feel like going, when she doesn't).

Her examples were Covid test, car cleaning, visit dad. None of these are lengthy tasks, none support her issue that she has no time. He's happy for her to accompany him on 2 out of 3 of those.

He previously helped a mate, got paid, she benefited.

She has so much time to do what she wants!

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 10:09

@Franpan

But he's not doing that. He's said he'll take the toddler with him to see his dad, for starters.

This time, he has said this. That isn’t the point. He does this every second weekend, and when the OP behaves in a similar way he gets cranky.

He's only taking the toddler this time because I got "shitty" and told him too. Otherwise he wouldn't have.
OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 27/02/2021 10:10

@TheEasterBunnies

It's a big car. More of a van. It's covered in grease, oil, full of crap, food, tools, etc.
Okay, so empty it out and take it to a car valet place for a clean.

He can take the toddler and go to the park or something while the car is being cleaned out.

Franpan · 27/02/2021 10:10

I know what you’re saying, OP. These people have internalised some very misogynistic ideas. I’ll leave it now but don’t put up with it.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 10:11

And she has said that the one time she did what he does at nearly every opportunity, he was moany, snappy and depressed.

She didn't. She said he was like this one time.

He doesn't do this as it happens. He is doing a few small chores, leaving plenty of time for other activities, including whatever OP wants to do.

He doesn't go off for a full day 'at every opportunity'.

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 10:11

@EarringsandLipstick

The OP looks after her child all day and then works in the evening. Are you mad?

Are you?

She gets up between 9 & 10. Child in bed by 7 / 730. She has one child.

She works while her DH looks after DC. (Unless she doesn't feel like going, when she doesn't).

Her examples were Covid test, car cleaning, visit dad. None of these are lengthy tasks, none support her issue that she has no time. He's happy for her to accompany him on 2 out of 3 of those.

He previously helped a mate, got paid, she benefited.

She has so much time to do what she wants!

Where is my time without the toddler though? I'm with him from wake up until 5:30 when I go to work. Then I have the evening when he's asleep, just like DH has. And then I do the majority of looking after the toddler at the weekend too.
OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 10:12

She works in the evening

She works from 530 - 730 but didn't feel like it the other day so just didn't. She's not exactly over-worked.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 27/02/2021 10:12

@Franpan

sunflowersandbuttercups

I am not pretending she’s hard done by. These two people work in the week. They have the weekend off. They are both entitled to a say in how that time is spent with regards to childcare.

Absolutely.

But it sounds to me like OP will never happy. He works full-time out of the house during the week, comes home every night and puts the toddler to bed while OP works.

He's then spending some of his weekend doing chores - because he has no chance to do them in the week. Alternate weekends he has his children so if he tried to do chores then, he'd be accused of dumping his children on OP.

When else is he supposed to do chores if not on those alternate weekends? Going to see his dad, cleaning a car out and getting a COVID test are not tasks that will take all weekend.