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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's Plans

313 replies

TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 15:57

DH has made various plans this weekend. Mostly for Saturday, these include having a Covid Test, visiting his DF and cleaning out his car for resale.

I'm kind of annoyed about it. Firstly, because he seems to always make plans for the weekends, solo plans, without talking to me first. He works FT all week and like most only has weekends off. Every other weekend we have his children to stay and he never makes solo plans for those weekends and expects us all to have family time but it feels like he isn't interested in having family time on the weekends we don't have them to stay, he'd rather do DIY or make solo plans.

So I spend all week looking after our toddler and then come the weekend, would like us to spend time together as a family. So, for example, this Saturday, it's just expected that I'll spend all day looking after our toddler whilst he goes off and does his things. It's really starting to annoy me. AIBU.

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 26/02/2021 21:07

@morninglive

I have read the OP where OP says he spends his free weekends (the ones without his kids visiting) doing solo activities. Is she now saying this wasn't true and it has only been this weekend? If so why say

but it feels like he isn't interested in having family time on the weekends we don't have them to stay, he'd rather do DIY or make solo plans

That is a selfish man imo

"Solo activities" includes cleaning the car, going to the tip, sorting out the garage, DIY tasks.
EarringsandLipstick · 26/02/2021 21:09

My apologies OP. If it is really genuine, then you are enormously self-centred. It just seemed unbelievable.

You've a toddler who goes to bed at 730 pm latest but mostly sleeps till between 9 & 10?

You've no time to do any tasks you'd like to do, but you're at home with a toddler, eco doesn't wake till after 9?

Sometimes DH will go & collect the groceries before he works?

You've a job that's only 2 hours a day but tonight you didn't feel like going?

And so on ... it just seems so implausible. But if it isn't ... be glad you've an understanding DH!

sunflowersandbuttercups · 26/02/2021 21:13

No, this is true. It's pretty much every weekend he makes these plans without talking to me first.

Doing chores is not making plans.

Deadringer · 26/02/2021 21:21

They are chores that need to be done, fair enough, but he seems to be arranging his time so he doesn't ever spend it with op and toddler. I would be organising some chores/visits of your own next weekend, and leave him on his own for a bit with ALL of his dc.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 26/02/2021 21:25

When is he meant to do these things though? He works full time, he's got his other children 2/4 weekends. That leaves 2 weekends a month to get things done

sunflowersandbuttercups · 26/02/2021 21:34

@Deadringer

They are chores that need to be done, fair enough, but he seems to be arranging his time so he doesn't ever spend it with op and toddler. I would be organising some chores/visits of your own next weekend, and leave him on his own for a bit with ALL of his dc.
So when do you want him to do them if not at the weekends? He can't do them in the evenings because OP works.

If he did them on the weekends he has his DC, I'm sure he'd be accused of dumping them on OP and fucking off.

Dishwashersaurous · 26/02/2021 21:38

I also want to know what job is only an hour and a half, and you choose not to turn up without consequences

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 26/02/2021 22:06

I have been looking after them for some extra days during the week whilst they've been homeschooling sometimes. They've asked to stay over for an extra few nights here and there. So I'll look after them during the day while DH works.

OP posts:
morninglive · 26/02/2021 22:21

He can do the chores one day and have a bit of quality time with op on the second day It doesn't take all day to clean the car or go to the tip.

BlueThistles · 27/02/2021 01:13

He's a self serving selfish Prick and I'd be making plans to leave him...

OP you're not part of his actual life... he works FT.. then plans his own weekend doing his own thing without you...

then expects you to entertain his kids EOW so he doesn't have to think about entertaining them...

LEAVE THE TWAT 🌺

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 07:56

@BlueThistles

He's a self serving selfish Prick and I'd be making plans to leave him...

OP you're not part of his actual life... he works FT.. then plans his own weekend doing his own thing without you...

then expects you to entertain his kids EOW so he doesn't have to think about entertaining them...

LEAVE THE TWAT 🌺

Is this a (badly thought out) joke? Or did you not RTFT (or any of it?)
Aprilx · 27/02/2021 08:58

It’s pretty much every weekend he makes these plans without talking to me first

But again, these are not plans, these are simply things he needs to do and can only do at the weekend. My husband has told me he is going to reorganise a cupboard this weekend. We didn’t hold a planning meeting about it and nor am I troubled that he made it a statement rather than asked for my blessing.

You sound like hard work OP.

Franpan · 27/02/2021 09:23

Some people are not noting that this is a regular occurrence. Every second weekend the OP is solo parenting for much of the ‘break’ in the week. This isn’t okay.

Franpan · 27/02/2021 09:24

But again, these are not plans, these are simply things he needs to do and can only do at the weekend.

He doesn’t need to spend all weekend doing a favour for a mate. He doesn’t need to visit his father. These are wants. The OP is picking up after his wants. What about her need for a break from solo parenting?

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 09:24

@Franpan

Some people are not noting that this is a regular occurrence. Every second weekend the OP is solo parenting for much of the ‘break’ in the week. This isn’t okay.
What's a regular occurrence? Doing some typical household chores? OP is leading a charmed life, whatever way you look at it. (This magical toddler who sleeps 15 hours getting up between 9 & 10 still has me fascinated)
scubadub · 27/02/2021 09:25

@Franpan that is NOT solo parenting. Ffs get a grip ppl. Read the full thread, the OP stays in bed until 9-10 every day and the child goes to bed at 7. This is just life!!

Franpan · 27/02/2021 09:28

scubadub

This is him going about his life. It’s the OP doing the childcare so he can spend his weekends doing favours and not looking after his child. We all know blokes who do this. Hands up if they, as the female partner, ever spend a weekend helping a mate while their child’s dad looks after them? Honestly.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 09:29

What about her need for a break from solo parenting?

Are you actually serious?

She has one toddler child who sleeps till 9 or 10 each day.

DH is home to take over care while OP goes to her (highly unusual) job she (sometimes) does 2 hours a day, but it's ok if she doesn't feel like going.

He's visiting his dad - she can go too, DH has said.

The car cleaning & Covid test won't take hours & hours - plenty of time for family events.

DH collects shopping, does DC bedtime, wraps OP in towel post-bath, etc etc.

I mean I'm 🤔 at it all but I think OP is doing just fine in terms of 'getting a break'

Franpan · 27/02/2021 09:29

What's a regular occurrence? Doing some typical household chores?

Read the OP. Every second weekend this or something similar seems to happen, leaving the OP to continue the childcare.

Original poster
TheEasterBunnies · 27/02/2021 09:31

So I said to him last night, that when the weather starts improving it would be nice for us to pencil in some more plans for the three of us at the weekends. He nodded and then proceeded to mention he's trying to get the DSC bikes so we can all go out bike riding together. I responded and said I wasn't talking about the weekended with the DSC and that I meant we should do more together just the three of us, he said "oh..." and this is exactly the thing I'm talking about.

OP posts:
Chewingle · 27/02/2021 09:31

@Franpan

But again, these are not plans, these are simply things he needs to do and can only do at the weekend.

He doesn’t need to spend all weekend doing a favour for a mate. He doesn’t need to visit his father. These are wants. The OP is picking up after his wants. What about her need for a break from solo parenting?

If the Op hauled her butt out of bed at the very civilised time of 8am... she’d get two hours of absolute peace. Toddler in bed until 10am. DH out the house at work from 7am
EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2021 09:32

Read the OP. Every second weekend this or something similar seems to happen, leaving the OP to continue the childcare.

Why don't you read the OP & subsequent posts?

It's been pointed out to you there are many many hours in the weekend apart from the chores, so OP is no way 'continuing the childcare'

She has many hours of free time. Plenty of support from DH (as she's acknowledged) throughout the week.

She's no overwhelmed mother parenting without support 🙄

Franpan · 27/02/2021 09:32

EarringsandLipstick

I’m entirely serious. He has a weekend and a child. He’s behaving like he has a weekend and no child. Why does he get to make solo plans and assume his partner will do the childcare? Bizarre.

Franpan · 27/02/2021 09:33

And BTW obviously that’s fine if both partners get to do it. But the OP isn’t getting to do it.

Eleganz · 27/02/2021 09:33

@Franpan

What's a regular occurrence? Doing some typical household chores?

Read the OP. Every second weekend this or something similar seems to happen, leaving the OP to continue the childcare.

Amazing that, every second weekend, when he doesn't have his kids around, he plans to do jobs that need doing and helping out other people.

I haven't RTFT but judging by some comments on here it seems that OP is making a mountain out of a molehill.

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