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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

438 replies

cherrybunx0 · 25/02/2021 12:46

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 25/02/2021 17:06

@Hellvelyn

One is like having a pet........ two is like opening a zoo!

😂

Snowwaiting · 25/02/2021 17:06

There are so many different points of view on this ... I have 2 18 months apart , first a bad sleeper till he started school , the second fine but very hard work in other ways . I have had the luxury of staying at home with them which has obviously made the sleeplessness easier to bear . When I see my two together and the bond they have most of the time I don’t regret it at all.

pointythings · 25/02/2021 17:07

The gap between mine is 2 years 2 weeks. It definitely wasn't double the work, but it was harder for the first two years, until DD2 got really good at talking. When she was 19 months, her communication improved dramatically and at that point she and DD1 crould play together and were pretty inseparable, leaving us a bit of breathing space.

I did keep DD1 in nursery while on mat leave with DD2 though - this was almost 20 years ago, I knew I'd be going back to work full time after 6 months and I wanted to keep the place. She did shorter days and not every day and it worked out well.

In our case DD1 was a brilliant sleeper. DD2, not so much.

WaitingForNormality · 25/02/2021 17:08

I was like this OP.

DC1 was okay with sleeping but just highly strung and exhausting! We also both have full on jobs. I was terrified at having another so we just took it off the table for a few years. Luckily we're both pretty young (I was 26 when I had DC1).

DC1 turned 4 last summer and it felt right to think about adding another one then. DC1 is FAR more independent than he was at 2-3yrs and will spend his time playing happily and doesn't need me all the time. Also much more helpful now, and is able to understand when I explain why I can't do things etc. I'm pregnant now and DC1 will be just 5 when baby arrives.

NerrSnerr · 25/02/2021 17:09

Mine have a 2 year 8 month gap. Now they're 6 and 3 I find it's much easier. We have just been to the park and I didn't need to play as they play together. They also play together at home meaning I can get on with stuff.

Thejoyfulstar · 25/02/2021 17:10

Someone said its double the work but it's actually not, by my experience (I have 2). I got pregnant with my second when my first was 18 months and it was one of the best things I ever did! I didnt sleep well for 2 years but I cant explain how much I love looking at my two kids and seeing their relationship. It was nowhere near as difficult as everyone said it would be, and we have zero family support. I would have had another when my youngest was 18 months too but my husband wasnt up for it! 2 years is a perfect gap for us...a bit bonkers at time, but I find it a lot of fun!

Charl88 · 25/02/2021 17:12

Me and my husband were undecided but we went for it. I've just had my 2nd boy (10 weeks ago) and my older son is 3. We planned it so my son had the 30 hours free childcare and he is besotted with his baby brother... seems a lovely age gap. Yes it's hard having the 2 of them but baby has no routine yet and entertaining a toddler when you've had a few hours sleep is hard work. But I know it'll get better and having the 2 boys will be amazing in a year or so (it's amazing now but you know what mean)

lazylinguist · 25/02/2021 17:14

I didn't find it anything like double the work tbh. I never considered choosing to only have 1. Ds and dd get on so well, in spite of being a 12yo boy and a 15yo girl - it makes me so happy that they are such good friends. It's certainly made the lockdowns so much better for them.

MizMoonshine · 25/02/2021 17:15

I was so happy with just one. I didn't get pregnant again until he was 7. Having an 8 year age gap is tiring and in some ways I wish I'd had my daughter sooner. But now we're considering having a third.

LouJ85 · 25/02/2021 17:17

I'm about to find out in a few months when I have my second. Mind you my first is almost 15, so I think it'll be a totally different experience to having two little ones!

WeIcomeToGilead · 25/02/2021 17:18

It’s really NOT double the work

Everything felt easier with two

Cooking one dinner for a toddler is the same as cooking two
You already have the stuff
Lifestyle change seems less daunting

The biggest bonus is they have an easy friendship which means that I never had to instigate play with them - the massively entertain each other

But I’m lucky - my kids get on really well

I’d base it on finances that for us was the only difference

Bluekangaroo123 · 25/02/2021 17:21

As PP have said don’t base the decision on feeling that you need to give your existing child a sibling. I know a lot of people here have said that their two entertain one another but they are mostly coming from the perspective of having primary age children. I think it’s a very different kettle of fish when they are teenagers & have different friends & interests

BikeRunSki · 25/02/2021 17:22

It’s not double the work in the long term, as they entertain each other to a greater or lesser extent. Agree with pp, it’s been very useful during lockdown. They are 9 and 12 now. Sure they squabble and they are not bffs at all, but they are largely happy in each others company. There’s 3 years and a few days between them. DC1 was toilet trained by the time DC2 arrived, so I didn’t have 2 in nappies at once and minimised the double nursery fees. DM has 15 months between DH and his brother. She said that it’s hard work for 3 years, then suddenly they both became independent at once.

FromageRay · 25/02/2021 17:31

It's interesting that the comments about it being twice the cost/time etc are cropping up as that isn't my experience at all. Baby clothes, bedding, pram, cot etc. all got reused so very little cost at the start. I have a 4 year age gap so DC2 arrived whilst DC1 was using the 30hrs free childcare and started nursery when DC1 went to school. DC2 was a terrible sleeper but no2 just slotted straight in.
Now they are 5 and 9, they mostly play together so I have more free time than I did with 1.
I am an only child and the loneliness I experienced was a big factor in wanting a second for me. I love that mine can make up games together, play board games, mess around at the park/beach without needing me to join in. They have so much more spontaneous fun together, I had to wait for playdates to be arranged or for an adult to have free time.
That's not to say it wasn't hard at times but going from 1 to 2 was a walk in the park compared to going from 0 to 1!

kunterbunting · 25/02/2021 17:32

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Two is literally double the work and if you are working it's also double the childcare. This is why I had only one, I could not have afforded an extra child.
Two isn't double the work. It's just more of the same. More than two likewise.

That said, there are smallish gaps between mine. I might have found it harder (more of a slog) if there had been bigger gaps between them.

I actually loved having babies/toddlers all at the same time. You just give yourself up to it completely. If I could have my life again, I'd have this bit back.

nellyii · 25/02/2021 17:33

Mine is 7.5 I'm nearly 28 and the older she is getting the less broody I'm getting. I don't really talk to my siblings in adulthood so I don't think she's really missing out. It's your choice really, I'm happy with 1 maybe if I didn't have medical issues and had sorted my career earlier I would have had a 2nd.

kurtrussellsbeard · 25/02/2021 17:35

My second was much easier and so honestly t wasn't really harder at all. Seeing them together really is delightful.

Whirlwind14 · 25/02/2021 17:36

I have a week short of a 3 year gap. They’re 18months and 3.5 now and yes, there’s been challenging moments, it’s a lot of work but I’m don’t think it’s helped by No2 being the worst sleeper on the planet. They’re starting to play together now and it is getting easier. I wouldn’t change it Smile

dingit · 25/02/2021 17:38

Beware a two year gap. The pain of GCSEs and A levels at the same time Confused

MrsTophamHat · 25/02/2021 17:39

I've got a three year old and a one year old and I don't find it double the work. The baby stage was still quite fresh in our minds, we still had all the kit and my son potty trained when my baby was a newborn, so we're still used to nappies.

I'd rather push through as we are now than have had a break from the really young stage and then start again.

Aisforharlot · 25/02/2021 17:39

I have only ds6, and I couldn't go back to no sleep and no time for myself. Then, I think, I find motherhood harder than the 'naturals'.

wheresmycrown · 25/02/2021 17:42

What do you define as "not a good sleeper"? Your answer to that will determine whether you're realistic or not!

I have 2 just over a year apart. The first couple of years were tough and on more than one occasion i felt like I was losing my marbles but they're at a brilliant age now and I really enjoy them.

If you took a test now and it was positive how would you feel? Would you be overjoyed? Shocked but happy? Devastated and want a termination? Your answer to that question should give you your answer

momtoboys · 25/02/2021 17:50

Having two is tough but definitely worth it.

Original poster
cherrybunx0 · 25/02/2021 17:54

Not a good sleeper for me = no more than a 2/3 hour stretch since she was about 6 months old. Before that occasionally did 4/5 hours.

@nancywhitehead erm...don't want to come across rude but that comment has got my back up a little bit. Probably because I really did have to try for my daughter, timing had to be bang on, had to have tests, took 2 years and a miscarriage and a serious lifestyle overhaul for my partner. I also tracked my cycles and took a lot of supplements to give myself a better chance...THAT was me and my partner trying. When I say not trying but not preventing, in my individual situation that is exactly what it means. I'm not going to be tracking my cycles desperately trying to get that window, or taking random supplements in the hope it will help. No pressure for us, just going to go with the flow.

Sorry but you opened a real can of worms there.

OP posts:
Waspnest · 25/02/2021 17:56

I have only ds6, and I couldn't go back to no sleep and no time for myself. Then, I think, I find motherhood harder than the 'naturals'.

I feel the same although I'm not sure it's about being a 'natural' mother. Apart from the early lack of sleep and bloody potty training I've had an absolute blast with DD and so far I'm quite enjoying the teenage years.

Someone once said on a different thread on here that the more children you have, the more your life revolves around family (you don't have the time, energy or money to do much else!) and I love doing stuff away from family, weekend breaks with friends/going to gigs/flower shows etc. With more than one that would be so much harder especially if you want to do that stuff as a couple. Not everyone has their family nearby and friends say that not many people want to have more than one of their children over for a sleepover.

We're all different and want different things so I'm never sure whether these threads are helpful or not.