To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

Honestly you're so young, why not wait? Then when your current child sleeps better, you can think about it with more perspective?

Most people I know who has two waited until the first child was 2.

Much harder and there are times where I think we should have stuck to one. If we had, we would be much better off financially, have more space, more holidays. But throughout this pandemic they have become such good friends and I am not sure DS would have managed without DD. I love DD immenely and cannot regret having her. I do beleive though that if I knew having a second child would limit our life like this, I may not have made the choice to have another and based on my own experience probably would tell friends to stick to one if asked.
I love myy daughter though so like is never that easy.

Tbh if you have the crap sleeper first (as I did!) it’s much easier to cope with another - you know what you’re getting! It’s people who had dream babies the first time round who have a difficult one second who struggle more in my experience.

I have 3 kids - a 4 year gap then a 2 year gap. The youngest is nearly 5 now and I have personally found the smaller gap far easier to manage, but you will get a wealth of different experiences and opinions on that.

If you will need full time nursery it really is worth waiting until you would have the oldest on 30 free hours by the time your youngest will go, otherwise childcare could be utterly crippling!

The jump is hard, but now they are 2 and 4 and I can leave them playing, they entertain themselves for a lot of the day! Think I’d find 1 harder. I’m glad the baby days are over and the benefit of having them close together meant they’re normally interested in similar things- took both to soft play, rhyme time etc. Both happy to watch similar stuff on tv. I think if the gap was bigger the older one would get bored of the baby stuff

I would have 2 as as age gap lengthens it will half at harder to okay together as they get older.

I think we found weekends and holidays easier as they had each other to play with.

You are already a mum so your mothering strategies will be stronger with 2.

To actually answer your question though, no I didn’t find having 2 or 3 harder than 1, but when I had 1 I was a poor student without a pot to piss in desperate to finish my degree. The younger ones I was settled and earning and it made life feel a lot easier!

I have 2y 9m between my two & I LOVED the second time round so much more! It helped that she was an easier baby in all aspects, but I was a much more confident & competent parent & that made such a difference.

I found that I enjoyed my second as a baby so much more, I was calm and confident rather than a ball of anxiety.

To add to the above, I did 'start again' with a third (happy accident) but other two were at school by then and so I loved that quality time with her too. Waaaah I wanna do it again

I do think the 2 year gap is key. A bigger gap and there's far more distance in development as younger children and as teens for them to hang out easily. Kids with a bigger gap can get on fine but they don't entertain each other in the same way and they're not sharing experiences so much.

An 8 year old doesn't want to hang out with a 4 year old, ditto 14 & 10, 18 and 14 etc.

2 is well worth it as far far easier, my dds just play when we go on holiday and they will always had each other

It's harder, but I don't think it's harder because we have a younger one again. It's harder because the older one is quite fiery and I have to deal with that plus the littlest one! I think it would be hard even if we only had the one.

I would say that it's been absolutely wonderful to my my second, and he is such a bright spark (as is my first, when she isn't quite so fiery and moody). I've never for a second had regrets.

But your baby is still very little. No way was I ready to have at 2nd after only 14 months, so you have plenty of time. My 2nd was born just after my 1st turned 5. In the intervening years, dh and I progressed in our careers, saved for a house, went on lots of lovely couple weekends away, both went travelling with friends, caught up on sleep, etc. So we were very ready when #2 came along. And I was 37, so no rush, as you are still really young.

You don't need to rush and you definitely shouldn't do it until it feels right!
I also waited until 1st was getting free nursery hours - having them in nursery while I was on maternity leave really helped.
They have a lovely relationship now (3.5 years gap) and are really good friends, play together without the jealousy. It's lovely and I think it's easier having two in that they can entertain each other a bit.
But I know loads of families with one child who are really happy, their kids are fine, you've got to do what feels right for you.

Also seconding the bit about contraception, so many of my friends' seconds were unplanned so they ended up with a 19 month age gap and a lot of stress!

My second is due just after my daughter turns 5, I'm terrified haha! But then again I would have been terrified with any age gap to be honest! You are young so plenty of time to decide :)

Age gap of 8 years between mine. Don't do that! It's like having two only children of completely different ages. If life circumstances were different I would definitely have chosen to have them much closer together.

I had my first at 25 and second at 30 I was aiming for 3 years apart because ds1 was a crap sleeper but ended up being 4.5 years. So much easier second time around ds2 slept much better not all night but average 3/4 hours then feed and back to sleep. They are 4 and 9 now best friends play together all the time it's great when I'm busy.

I'm so glad I went for it and wouldn't change it. The down side is more work but I wouldn't say double the work your making lunch baths and trips for 2 not 1 it doesn't take much more effort. Bedtime is double the work. I couldn't afford to work full time it's not worth it on my income but I'm happy with that.

Pros:
-more love! Having an extra person to love who loves you back. They love each other.
-you get to do experience the good bits again.
-seeing the differences between two children makes you a more insightful parent. My parenting toolkit has grown massively.
-they keep each other company as children, which is good for them and good for you (less time having to do mind-numbing imaginative play)

-in the future they have a sibling relationship

Cons
-you have to go through the bad bits again
-you think you have parenting nailed then you realise your second child is completely different to your first
-they fight, they conspire against you, they egg each other on in mischief making
-it’s hard to get quality 1-on-1 time with either child
-inevitably both children will like the opposite foods from each other making cooking a PITA
-chances of someone being in a mood about something are greatly increased

Overall I wouldn’t change it for the world. The first ‘pro’ on my list outweighs every con I could think of.

Thinking long term as well, when these babies turn into older children/teens they develop their own interests. Same gender helps, but very often pre-covid I'd be doing ballet lesson run, football runs, watching rugby training whilst trying to encourage DD who is un-interested and needs to do her homework on the sidelines! Day to Day its far tougher having two.

I’ve more than two, definitely one to two was a big change but I enjoy being busy .

@cherrybunx0 non ID twins are hereditary but Id twins aren’t because the egg splitting is a “freak of nature”. I was an ID twin (dsis died when we were young) and have dtds. They said if I was pg again I’d be older so two eggs dropping more likely and egg splitting once often happens again so triplets would be likely... dh has had a vasectomy. I love having 3 girls but when one is at a club and we just have 2 it is 100 times easier

Is a degree harder than GCSE's?
Absolutely, but you are also more experienced and better at learning.

Is two harder than one? Again, absolutely, but you are a much more experienced parent, so whilst it does seem hard, my overriding thought wasn't so much that 2 was impossible, but how easy just one child is in comparison, if you see what I mean.

I had a less than 2y age gap, and personally baby + toddler = fine, toddler + preeschooler is where the fun begins...

However, it's also lovely and I wouldn't change it for the world.

First baby was easy so the second was a lot more than double the difficulty. Still one of the best things I’ve ever done. My youngest is amazing and best pals with his sister.

Another saying it isn't double the work. I was not a natural mother at all, shock of capture having a baby hit me hard, PND, really struggled through the baby and toddler years. But I still didn't find the jump 1-2 that difficult, I just knew I wanted a sibling for my eldest. Your child is still very young, come back to it in a year or so. We had a nearly 3.5 age gap and it was perfect, eldest was sleeping, potty trained, getting free pre school hours. But it wasn't so far down the line that it felt like starting all over.

That said, if you feel the same in a year, don't pressure yourself into having a baby just because or for a sibling, my two fight dreadfully and DS would have suited being an only! Not that I'd change anything of course. But I just wouldn't give it too much head space right now. Nothing wrong with either having an only or having a larger age gap that might be more manageable, but you're still in the very early days anyway.

Btw, I don't think I it's double the work, it's squared...

I read somewhere that one child is like having a pet. Two is like having a zoo

It's crazy, tiring and chaotic fun for the most part though.