To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

It's helpful for me to see others experiences, for sure. This thread has suggested to me it's not quite as daunting as perhaps I had built it up to be in my head.

Well that's good.

Growing up I was an only child for a very long time and hated it. I know only children are supposed to like being on their own and entertaining themselves but I never liked it.
I then got a sibling but they were so much younger than me that I never really connected
I always wanted 2 and quite close together. Which I had and because it was madness for a certain amount of time I got through it. I don’t think it would have been that much easier with one. They are now adults and best of friends.
I think the only way having 2 would be doubly hard is if you have one, go through all the baby and toddler stages and then when you have finally got your life back you do it again.

Whilst having 2 close together is hard I think having just 1 is harder.

Totally worth it.

I often tell them, we had 2 of you so you would play together. Go and play!

Hardest part was going back to work after my 2nd maternity leave. 9 month old ravenous all night, 3year old clingy and emotional, lots of work pressure, 10 hour days, long commute. But now it's great. They do entertain each other quite a bit and it's lovely to see that they love each other

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Two is literally double the work and if you are working it's also double the childcare. This is why I had only one, I could not have afforded an extra child.

With respect, how can you possibly know that two are “literally double the work” if you have just one?

Personally, I had my first two fairly close together and found they entertained each other a lot, right from very early on. We’re at a similar age to enjoy similar activities (as opposed to, say, a 7 year age gap). Sometimes also bickered. Cost a bit more, but there are economies in hand me downs and family tickets and so on. They insisted on sharing a room & bunkbeds until the eldest was six, long after the third bedroom had been decorated for the youngest. It was fun. It still is.

Were not we’re^

I have 3, all close in age. There is definitely a big jump in care from 1 to 2, not so much from 2 to 3. I had 3 girls so almost everything has been reused so financially not a huge impact on material things. Personally I’m glad I did it this way, if I’d have been younger I’d probably have had more as I always wanted a big family. Having them close together means that we will be out of the early years stage sooner, rather than having a big gab and restarting it all over again. Im very strict on them when it comes to fighting, I get siblings fight but I do lay down the law and certainly don’t allow any pushing and shoving. I hate seeing other kids constantly fighting with their siblings and parents doing nothing about it. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m like this or if they are naturally close, but the 3 of the get on so well and are very close.

Every child is different when it comes to sleep and ease. My first was a breeze, still is in life as general. Second seemed harder and was 4 years old before she settled on her own in bed at night. Was she a bad sleeper or just harder than my first ....🤷🏼‍♀️ No 3 I was determined she wouldnot be sleeping with us and put her in her own cot straight away, she was so easy to settle herself, has her moments but they all do. As the youngest she is very demanding of her older siblings attention, but that works in my favour 😆

Your question is very much, how long is a piece of string... I always wanted my children to have siblings as I come from a big family and my siblings and cousins were all very close growing up. I think it helped being older too as, as an older mum I definitely found I didn’t get as stressed as I would have if I had been younger.

I don’t think only children miss out as much i as I use to. I never knew only children when I was younger so didn’t understand it. Now though most of the people I know say it was good as their parents focussed on them, etc... some say they would have liked siblings and others deliberately had multiple children so they could have their own big families.

Sorry probably not any help to you x

I have two girls, three years apart. It never was double the work for me.

I found the three year age gap really helped. DD1 was at preschool and has paid childcare, so that by the time I returned to work with DD2, DD1 was at school. As I only ever worked part time, I only ever paid for one set of childcare.

I also found that at 3, my eldest had grown out of nappies, was able and willing to help me with DD2 (fetching nappies and the like) and was sleeping through so I never had two non sleepers at the time.

Yet, as they got older, it was definitely easier having one as they entertained each other and became friends. And that has stayed to this day. They do have their own friends, but they are also very close. They still have sleepovers together, spa nights and their own movie nights in each other's bedroom. They're 17 and 14 now and currently planning their first weekend break away together for later in the year when they're 18 and 15.

So whilst it might start off as harder work, it really isn't as they get older, it's much easier as they rely on each other so much.

I have personally found it harder going from 1-2 than 0-1. But I know this is temporary. My gap is 3.4 so a bit more independent. I do constantly feel bad that the baby doesnt get my sole attention and that I often have to ignore eldest to deal with baby.

They do seem to love each other so much already though so no regrets.

For me, 2 (within 2 years) was no harder than 1 and as they grew up, easier because they always had a playmate.

I didn't feel like this before I had my second. My first was 5 by the time I had another. I was sure I wanted a second. He was a nightmare baby. I was really depressed, and extremely agitated all the time. In hindsight I needed medication, but I couldn't see that myself , and no one else did either. I said I wouldn't have anymore, the when the youngest turned 7, I had a surprise pregnancy. She has completed our family but I had a terrible pregnancy (HG, SPD, Not a great birth), I worried the whole time that I wouldn't cope. I couldn't get excited about my baby coming. I was terrified of labour. 4 week later my body is still suffering with the effects of pregnancy, she has all the problems with her stomach that both my other kids has, but no one can/will do anything for her (they don't seem to think there's anything wrong)so screams quite a lot in pain and I can feel myself heading towards depression again. I am glad I carried on with the pregnancy. I love her to bits, as I love them all but honestly it's a lot of work, especially if you struggle with crying or sleep deprivation like I do.

Have two. More money, more work for sure. Less time, more stress. But also more fun, more company, more joy!
I realised I wanted a second when I watched my eldest open his Christmas presents alone when he was coming up to two...I realised that two parents hovering over one child wasn't the dynamic I wanted forever.
My eldest two have two years nine months between them and from the very start were best friends...both boys and they do everything together. Holidays were always more fun with them having each other for company.
Now, my third was a late surprise...an eight and a half year and nearly six year gap there, a massive adjustment and I was 39, so oh so tired!
But he's now 3 and fills our life with fun and laughter...he's universally doted on. Loads of different dynamics in the house, but we're never bored and never lonely..even in lockdown! Go for it!
Oh and money wise...I panicked every time but promotions happen, you do what you need to do to make a good life....unless you really are in a bad situation then you'll be fine.

I found 0-1 much harder than 1-2. I wouldn't have another though. Age gap for mine is just shy of 3 years. They are 1 and 4 now and it's lovely to watch them play together. Some things are more difficult but on the whole it's great. That being said we have lots of family support with both sets of grandparents regularly taking the children when I was on mat leave to give me a break as DP only took 1 day paternity leave. We were 27 and 29 when we had DD2 and we are both glad that we have the baby stage over with. We both have a good income but haven't found living costs to have increased by much yet expect slightly higher grocery spend.

I don’t find 2 double the work-maybe a third more workload? It’s definitely double the laundry! 3.5 year age gap and it’s been lovely. 1 out of nursery and into school so it’s been manageable financially childcare wise.

Like others have said, by the time you have the second child, you are used to the sleep deprivation, fewer nights out etc. The change from 0-1 kids was so difficult for me. 1-2 was a piece of cake in comparison.

When I have just the younger child, I find it harder than with them both together as they entertain each other. I find entertaining just the 1 quite full on.

I don’t find two double the workload I find it more but there’s just one of me so it was so hard just popping out to the shops when they were younger. Now they are older I’m glad but if you’d have asked me in the first 5 yrs then I’d have said I totally regretted it, as much as I love DC2

What I found in having 2 close together is they were into the same things at the same time. For example I could take both to Legoland and they were both within a couple of years of each other so both liked similar rides. They both liked going to soft play etc. I didn’t have to put so much input into playing and making sure they were entertained. I could set up something in the garden and then leave them to it.
Even now they help each other out with work and they always have each other when they go anywhere. They have their very own wing man/woman

I have found two more than double the work tbh. That is starting to ease as the youngest is approaching two but I still feel quite torn between them and their different needs. Everyone is much happier when we build in lots of 1:1 time. Having one child at a time is so easy.

3 year age gap with mine. The first few years are much harder with 2. I only had 1 in nappies at a time, and they were both only in nursery together for a few months but of course this means 2 stop offs each day.

But, DD2 was an easier toddler - which I think is due to having a constant playmate. After the first few years 2 isn't double the work, and the fact that they occupy each other makes life much easier. I am so grateful that they have had each other through lockdown.

Your first child is still very young. I had a bad sleeper too and couldn't even comprehend number two until it got easier which was about 18months.

If you are breastfeeding frequently in the night that can also impact on fertility - even if your periods have returned you may be sub fertile for a while mine returned at 11months and we didn't use contraception for 7 months ( risky I know). I fell pregnant the month after I felt my period was back to normal for me. Before then it hadn't felt like a true period and fertile signs were just not present.

My babies were 2.5years apart which was hard going being pregnant with a toddler and having a newborn and toddler. If I did it again I think I would want a 3-3.5year gap to access 30 funded hours. That takes the pressure off financially for nursery. Thry are also just more independent at 3. My 2yo was still in nappies, still taking naps etc when her sibling was born. If you have family for support that helps too.

I personally never wanted more than one child. No desire whatsoever. Now that she’s a bit older, I feel like my (new) old self again. I have finally gone back to my career too. I am sick to death of people telling me that my poor child will be lonely, spoilt and unhappy down the line...it did upset me as these comments are hurtful, but I don’t care anymore. My child is happy, and that’s what matters.

I love having two and am glad we made this decision. But two is much harder than one in my experience!

Ours are 2 years apart. Up until the second hit 2 they weren more work, but after that they look after each other a lot and have been best mates through lockdown. Our oldest puts the TV on for the youngest in the morning so we can sleep in. We had to use the credit card with two in nursery together, but that's all paid off now number 2 is on 30 hours. They are close enough that want the same days out and same activities. I said I'd like more, but now we're done with nappies, buggies and all that I need to make an appointment at the vets.

but now we're done with nappies, buggies and all that I need to make an appointment at the vets.

Is that a typo?

I don’t think it’s double the work. It’s hard when you have a newborn and a baby/toddler/child but in general when they’re a bit bigger you’d still be making lunches, setting up activities, going to soft play, having a day out etc. 3 years between mine and both have slept well from day 1, both sleep through now at 4 yo 9 months old, which probably helps. The ‘wouldnt want to go back to babies when you have your life back’ part doesnt resonate with me, I don’t really do anything with dc2 that I wouldn’t do anyway, it’s just another to love and cuddle and play with, my life isn’t any harder than it is with a preschooler (except entertaining and running after two them lol) and I’d actually find it much easier than a v small age gap because the 4yo being more independent helps as there are no nappies/him not understanding/he is able to help me, he goes to preschool etc. Yes I had broken nights and 3 hourly feeds for a couple of months but otherwise 🤷🏼‍♀️ Dc2 is only 9 months but they adore each other and having a sibling is wonderful for them both. Of course 1:1 time is easier with one but when they’re bigger they have a built in playmate and you have more time not playing barbies/dinosaurs/roleplay 🤣

Not read the full thread but number 2 was a walk in the park compare to number 1...yeh it's more tiring BUT your use to it and somehow I found 2 easier than 1...1 was exhausting but I had enough time stress about it and it was such a change from my previous life...2 slotted right in... only you know what's right but I would say 2 is like 1.5 of the effort and just waiting till it swaps to being almost easier as they have each other (maybe wishful thinking)