To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

I had 3 in 5 years. But I was old (34) when I started.
We were definitely in the zone for a spell and got quite used to lack of sleep.

DH and I are both only children so we were definitely always going to have 2+ (I had a blissful childhood but as an adult wish I had more family, DH had a chaotic childhood and his parents both died when he was 22)

I think

Few parents with multiple children are going to say it isn't worth it on a forum, so I'd take the comments with that in mind. I've had them - I had quite a few people encourage me not to have multiple children, but they all did it in private.

Unless your second has or you develop greater needs, I don't think it's much more work physically, but emotionally it's a whole new set of relationships and consideration to take into account which for some is exponentially harder and life admin seems to multiply too. For me, having multiple children is worth it though I ended up with more health problems largely connected at least in part to going through multiple pregnancies at the bare minimum of WHO guidelines for spacing at the time.

However, while my life would be very different, I think I would be differently happy rather than less happy if I'd only had my oldest. I think I would have fewer challenges, but having chosen those challenges and having the full support and active involvement of my spouse, they meaningful and worthwhile to me.

OP, you've listed a lot of risks with the only benefit I've seen is giving your child a sibling which brings in its own set of potential benefits and potential risks. I have two siblings, close in age, and I had a very lonely childhood. We didn't do much together especially not after hitting school age, we barely spoke to each other, and haven't done so in years. My two teenagers had great fun playing when little and still get along most of the time and occasionally do stuff together, but they're very different people, now having two very different secondary experiences in different schools, and wouldn't pick the other as their best friend. While more common when tiny with few other options, siblings as best friends is a phase that I think for most doesn't last that long if it happens at all.

Only you can decide whether to chance another roll and take on the extra responsibility, the risks and benefits are unknown and somewhat subjective, but I'd be wary of just letting whatever happens happens with a 15 month old, more so with one that isn't sleeping well, when this could easily be revisited in a year when things may be very different and, if you chose a second, they'd still be close enough together to play regularly if they want to.

Almost exactly 2 years between my 2 and it's been wonderful. They are 3 and 5 now and adore and play with eachother all the time. I've been so thankful that they've had eachother this last year especially.

I had DD just before DS turned 2.5. DS always had a lot of sensory needs, but I had everything managed, so with the exception of the odd unavoidable change in routine, we were getting along just fine.

He's 5 early next month, DD is now 2.5, and it's hell!! His needs have changed so much, he hasn't coped with lockdown in the slightest, and his behaviour is wildly out of control. I have no idea how to reach him, none of my usual 'tools' are working (or are forbidden due to lockdown). I think he has depressions (awaiting sessions with the school councillor in a couple of weeks).

DD is calm and easy going, but I worry that's not a choice, and that she is that way through neglect. Parenting DS makes holding down a job impossible, so I'm now self employed. Between his recent behavioural needs and COVID, by business is dying on its arse, we're in financial crisis, and I can't find a way out. I'm failing as a person and as a mother on ever level, and it's the worst feeling in the world. If you're in any way unsure, please wait.

I love both of my DC dearly (despite what it may sound like from this prolonged rant!), and I can't say I regret having them (they're both very much wanted) but there's precious little joy in parenting them at the moment, when I never feel like I'm meeting their needs. It's a constant round of reacting to behaviours, leaving no room for active parenting (or indeed anything else).

If you're in any doubt, wait a while.

My 3 are older now (10 - 16) and echo what pp said - it is not just the numbers/volume - it is the dynamics, and all their relationships with each other, all happening in the household, that is a lot to deal with.

It is a lot more expensive too, and early years when needed various sorts of childcare for 3, the costs and logistics were a nightmare.

I had two, 22 months apart. That was a little sooner than I wanted (second DC was a happy accident) but it did minimize the years we spent changing nappies. I was a SAHM for a few years and DH really pitched in so that helped.

I'm really glad I had two. It was totally worth it.

My two are three years apart (3and6) they are truly best friends. They love and adore each other, they play together and never fall out. There’s no jealousy at all I worked my socks of to make sure there were no jealousy issues.

It was hard for the first three months but I find having two much easier than one. They have bath and story time together they both watch CBeebies and enjoy the same toys so it’s not double the work and jobs. They are building a castle together as I type which gives me five minutes to myself. My three year old is very mature and his language is especially good I think it’s due to having an older sibling.

I love having two and I’m so glad I did, I was torn like you but it’s the best decision I made. The age gap for me is perfect I didn’t want two in nappies...

I always said I would only ever have one. Ds was born when DD was 4, and seeing their relationship and how much they enjoy playing together actually made me feel guilty I'd deprived DD of a sibling for so long. I now have 3 and I love it. I felt it was harder going from 1 to 2 children than from 2 to 3.

I found the leap from none to one much harder than the leap from one to two.
It's the first that turns your life upside down, causes you to rethink work, house safety, your social life.
The second fitted in quite easily.
I had two quite close together- I am sure there are pros and cons to all age gaps, my sister and I are 7 years apart, and I don;t remember much about engaging or playing with her as a child- other than being a troublesome little brat.
Having my own two close in age meant that were travelling a similar journey in terms of development, the whole nappy.potty training stage was done and dusted rether than have to revisit.
A lot of toys were shared, they liked similar food, I could take them to soft play together, the cinema to see the same movie.
It also meant I was able to get back to work sooner, rather than go back to square one of the baby stage after a break.

My friend is pregnant with her 3rd- her youngest is 14. I am sure she is delighted, but that would not be for me!!

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Two is literally double the work and if you are working it's also double the childcare. This is why I had only one, I could not have afforded an extra child.

I disagree with this. You are already doing a lot of things you didn't have to do before - it doesn't feel like double, although of course it is more. However, having two pays dividends when they play together. Having one means you will always be providing entertainment (fine if you like being in Mummy mode constantly). My friends who have one were constantly trying to set up meet ups at weekends as their child needed the company. Having two children playing in the garden while you get some jobs done in the kitchen always reminds me why it's not double the work. But of course only children can be happy. It's just what works for you.

We wanted a 3 year gap. We started tc to give us anything from from 2yrs 9 months ish because we have nieces and nephews so saw the children when they were all around 3.

We actually got 3.1 year gap and it worked really well. The major issue was that Ds2 was a very poorly baby and was quite literally attached to me for months in a sling. It helped that Ds1 went to preschool nursery every morning for free so not child care costs. Also that Ds1 was sort of old enough to understand a baby being poorly.

Ds1 was out of nappies and pretty much independent in the toilet department and could play by himself for periods of time without needing me with him to entertain him constantly.

The gap has meant that they are into the same things at the same time and played together a lot. They are best friends even now as teenagers.

I do think that only children can be more attached to their phones/tech when they are older as it gives them another person to play with so to speak.

Also remember, it could be twins. I know 3 people who had a second child, all of them twins.

Hiya. Mum of 5 here...

Your child is still quite young at 15 months being a difficult sleeper sounds about normal. I had mine waking up at 18 months still and it wasnt until little ones were all roughly 2 years did they start sleeping through the night.... my 4th baby slept really well but everyone else woke up regularly through the night and my 3rd boy needed rocked and sang to constantly just for him to drop off
....
It does gradually get easier. Sleepless nights until 2 years isnt great, and I do feel so tired especially now I have a newborn, however some kids do go all through from really early, and I do exclusively breastfeed as well so they would wake up in the night and dream feed also ...

Saying that , look at me with 5 kids lol the sleepless nights certainly it hasn't put me off having more... And my dream and my husbands dream of having a big family has come true. Even to the extent of I am here with a 5 week old dd and planning number 6 next year for a good even number amount of children . ... it's all worth it in the end and fwiw, I do find parenting both easy and difficult. It has his rough days when the kids are being crazy but we do have lovely times and good days too. ....

You never know your 2nd baby might be a better and smoother sleeper. And also, you never know just how much your current child would enjoy and love having a sibling. All my kids are very close which I am so grateful for because I am nc with my own siblings and parents. And am just so happy how tight knit we are. They literally are my world.
So I say Go for it. Children are a blessing and if you want 2, go ahead and have 2 ...or feel free to have 5 like me hahha! It's hard work but worth it. God bless

Depends depends depends!

But - I find having 4yo and nearly 2yo easier than many friends find having just a 4yo. They want all of you, with more than one kid, there's more variety.

I have 2, first one was really bad sleeper, I had 2nd and it was a nightmare as both of them had health probs but only found out later, so def lease don’t have one just because you think it’ll be thrown in your face later. It’s your life. You will be the main cater so please stick to one, if that is the best thing for you.

Leafy2018

I agree- I didn't find it double the work.
A lot of the things you do for a child don't entail twice the effort, or expense.
You are making a packed lunch for a child, or a special drink for instance, it is only about a third more effort to make two portions rather than one.
Shehasadiamondinthesky you have only one child- so maybe you don't understand that.
You only need one trampoline, one sand pit, one set of paints.
Economies of scale apply to children too!
A morning at the play park with two children is no more effort than with one- in fact I would suggest it is easier with two- as the don;t need so much parental input if they play together.

Also few, my children are a mixture of boys and girls, aged 13, 7, 5, 3 and 5 weeks old .. So I literally dont get a break lol. I feel like I am always breastfeeding, pushing prams and changing bums. Because when one grows out of the baby phase, or toddler phase I wind up with a newborn again like pp has said above. But I just get on with it. I have no nanny help or childminders. Or grandparents to help. We just get on with it...

It felt like more than double the work to me because I’ve never been able to do anything properly. Esp. If your DH is not helpful and saying it’s up to you.

I have 2, 22 months apart. Neither of mine slept well and it was tough but we survived, and now they are 7 and 5 and honestly the best of friends.

For me, it was absolutely worth the first 12 months of exhaustion with both. They entertain each other so i can get on with whatever i need to be doing. And although i doubt we'll be facing another pandemic anytime soon, the 2 of them having each other over the last year has been an absolute blessing.

I will confess I found the 'baby and a toddler' years very hard at times but also had really good times when I was enjoying it. It is expensive when you are paying for childcare for two but only you know your financial circumstances.

Now they are both at primary school and are great friends. Watching their relationship develop over the years and seeing them play happily together now has been the biggest joy of my life.

Only you know what is right for you though. Don't let anyone outside of you and your DH pressure you. I know lots of very happy one child families (although lockdown has maybe been harder on them).

My youngest is just turned five and what I couldn't do is go back to a newborn now. Shudder!

We had our second when DD was 4. Perfect age. DD never slept as a baby so I was ready to go through it again, DS did from day 1 and I felt so spoilt! It was fab! I look at them now, the bond they have (3 & 7) and wonder why i ever questioned having another. They are each others best friend and I can honestly say they've built such an amazingly beautiful bond and helped each other grow and develop so much throughout lockdown. The one good thing that did come out of lockdown for us! Of course its hard at times but for us the benefits far outweigh any negatives there could ever be.

She's still young and so are you. I would wait until she at least gets nursery hours, so when she starts school lo can start nursery so then it will only be one child nursery fees at once. This helps with continuing to work.

The change from none to one was much, much harder than one to two.

20 months between my two. I love them both and have no regrets. They have no interest in each other and have never wanted to play together or hang out together. Teenagers now.

Our 2nd was a surprise (albeit a happy one). We were more than happy with one and if we'd been left to actively choose to have another we wouldn't have (due to mc and pregnancy issues rather than not wanting another child).

I'm only saying this as it gives context that I'm not opposed to an only and definitely think it can work best for lots of families. I have no doubt DC1 would have been perfectly happy as an only.

But DC2 has been great. There is a 3.5 year gap and they slotted in to the family easily. They're a good sleeper and older DC loves having a sibling, even if there are fights some days.

I genuinely loved my 2nd maternity leave. DC1 had nursery 2 days a week and I was present for their last year before school and DC2 and I had time alone while DC1 was at nursery.

There's the odd occasion, holidays for example (pre-COVID!), when you realise how much easier life was with just 1 child that's a bit older and more independent whereas we were back to having a baby's routine to consider/chase a mobile toddler about rather than relaxing with a drink while the older one dances at the mini disco 😂 but that's so insignificant in the grand scheme of things and DC2 has completed us.

If you're not sure, don't do it but I'd definitely consider more of a 3/3.5 year gap rather than having a toddler and a newborn.

I have two almost 6 years apart. This works brilliantly for us, the older child does not need you for the same things at the same time and can understand reason if you're asking them to wait. They like to be the teacher and soon become the hero. I liked that I had some time alone with youngest whilst eldest in school, it's so much easier second time around because of the learning you've already done with the first and for me it was easier that the baby had to slot into an established routine.

They have so, so much fun together and a really close bond. I've said this before here, the love they have between them is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. They've helped each other develop, the elder is really good at seeing other people's point of view and the younger is now a world class negotiator with extra powers of perseverance. Having had an 'only' for nearly 6 years I can honestly say that it is much easier not having to be the playmate constantly.

You are still young and have time. If the load of parenting falls mostly on you make sure it is your decision, don't feel under pressure. Good luck.

Harder, yes. Much harder. Looking after a toddler and a baby at the same time is much harder than just looking after a baby. Your first one is a bit of a shock to the system as everything is new. But with two parents and a bit of common sense about sharing the load, it's not 100% of your time. However, the second one will probably obliterate 100% of whatever time you had managed to carve out for yourselves! That's why people often say the third is much easier, because by that time, you've not got much left to give up! Your time and energy are the same, just shared three ways not two.

Worth it? Most definitely! The payback far exceeds the "cost". On one very simple level, you currently have 3 relationships in your family. And every relationship is special. YouPartner, YouChild, PartnerChild. If you have another, you'll have 6 different relationships. Twice as many, for just adding one little baby, bargain! And that includes a new unique type of relationship, the sibling relationship. And that's before you consider that #2 might be a boy which would bring additional unique relationships into play. e.g. MotherSon is a different special kind of relationship to MotherDaughter.

If you had #3, your 6 relationships goes up to 10, with 4 new ones. Having a second child is the only time you get to double the number of relationships in your family for just adding one baby into the mix! They're the best bang for your buck!!