To ask if having two was worth it and is it much harder?

[cherrybunx0]

Hello,

I currently have one child, 15 months old. Love her dearly but not a great sleeper and me and partner both work full time jobs. Both fairly young (I'm 25, he is 28). We go back and forth on whether to have another child any time soon, to wait and try in a few years or to just stick with one.

I'm going to be honest, I feel quite scared at the prospect of a second, especially if they were both under school age. I think the fact my daughter has never been a good sleeper influences why I feel like this for obvious reasons. I question if I could cope with two. What if the second one didn't sleep either!? How would I work and look after 2 that were really hard work!? What if second one had any health problems? Do I want to spend my whole life constantly trying to get children to go to bed (honestly, that's what it feels like atm).

But on the other hand, I feel like it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling. I'm genuinely so torn, and go back and forth on it all the time.

My partner isn't particularly helpful. He says it's up to me but I do feel like if I made the decision and said yep, that's it, I've decided I only want one it would be thrown in my face down the line. He has 5 siblings so I know he will feel we have deprived our daughter in some way.

So, question I suppose. Did you stick to one? Why? Or do you have two+? Is it as hard as I imagine it would be?

My periods have just returned (extended breastfeeding 15 month old) so I need to have a real think about this and fairly quickly!

Thanks

*Dh

My ds2 was born when ds1 was nearly 4. I loved having this time with him before.

I have 2. I love and adore them both beyond measure but if I'm honest, I wish I'd stopped at 1.

DP left and moved country when my youngest was 2 (7 years ago) and being a FT working LP of 2 is hard flipping work.

Also, my 2 are completely different from each other. The older is (just) a teenager now and is quite introverted, entertains himself easily, really helpful and excellent to live with. The younger is incredibly lively and argumentative and messy and stubborn. Such a fun person, but quite hard work.

All depends on the second child. You get an easy one - walk in the park, easy to feel like a smug, "I've got this covered type parent".

Second one doesn't sleep, you get PND

It's a very different story.

My two are awesome but I kind of wish I'd had just one. And yes. My second was like the second example.

Damn near killed me. My MH is still shot.

I definitely found the first one the hardest. He didn’t sleep very well and I didn’t know what I was doing most of the time! I was lucky that DC2 was a good sleeper - having 2 certainly wasn’t double the work and I actually found it was probably easier when they got a bit older as they could play with each other.

There’s nearly 3 years between DC1 & 2 which was good as DC1 was toilet trained before DC2 was born but actually I wish I’d gone a for a smaller gap because we decided to have a 3rd and the 7yr gap between DC1 & and 3 means it’s difficult to do stuff altogether as a family that everyone enjoys.

Stuck to 1.

Didn't realise how hard it would be and fuck doing that again.

Don't want to manage squabbling and loads of siblings have no contact as adults. There was even a thread on here years ago about sibling abuse. Don't do it "for your child to have a sibling", do it if YOU want to.

Beautiful post @BlueJag

There is a social expectation that people have two children, but the toll of this usually mainly falls on the mum. So I believe a well reasoned choice is best, whatever people ultimately decide.

I absolutely love walking down the street with my daughter, completely intent on what she is saying, rather than trying to juggle another child's needs at the same time. Its such an individual choice- but it should be a choice.

Also loved BlueJag’s post. Both my husband and I were very, very happy onlies. My husband particularly had/has a gorgeous relationship with his parents because they were so close. I feel very sad when I see posters here thinking they will be disadvantaging their child beyond all measure by not providing a sibling. Yes, having two children myself now makes me think having a brother/sister might have been nice (BUT we got lucky and our DCs get along!) but I wouldn’t have swapped being an only child for all the world, and just adore one on one time with each of mine.

I think the best way to compare, is when parents of 2 find themselves with just the one for the day. Especially when the second was a baby, if the grandparents had our toddler for the day, with just the newborn it was literally like a mini break! That's when you see how much additional work an extra child has, but one child also then seems much easier than they did before

On the very few and far between times I did only have to look after just one of them I didn’t notice any difference.
I still had to do the same things with one as if I had 2 there.

Absolutely worth it. I don't think it's double aork like a PP said... Maybe work and a half 😂 like... Yes the children botj need their own attention but a lot of stuff you can do for both of them like meals, activities, games they can play together so sometimes even need less attention then one who you'd need to play with if no sibling. But yes can be tiring, bedtimes can be a little longer, but remember just because one doesn't sleep well doesn't mean the other will be the same. I'd not change a thing.

I am astonished by the arrogance of the posters who are explicitly telling OP what gap she should have.

I wouldn’t particularly say it’s harder work.

And it was absolutely worth it - it took my husband some convincing but having a second child was the best decision we ever made.

The children adore each other and seeing such an amazing closeness forming between them makes everything with it. There is so much love between them, it’s really special.

2 was harder in the first year or 2, but now they are older it's amazing, they keep each other company and are playmates. Obviously that may not happen to all siblings but the age gap I have (2.5yrs) seems to work well for most of the people I know with 2. It was very hard work but I found second baby much easier and I wouldn't change a thing now.

I know it sounds selfish but I veer between yes family life all day every day and I love my daughter so much I think how can I possibly not want anymore!?

Then in the next breath, I look at my scarred skin that would be sorted if i could get back on my acne treatment (can't take if your pregnant OR breastfeeding) so could get my decent skin back, can't wait to spend some time with my friends again, for me and my partner to have a fun day out together, to be able to give our daughter everything and more. She is a wonderful little thing, even though she doesn't sleep great, I wouldn't change her. I worry about rolling the dice again..as weird as that may sound.

I really don't know. Someone wrote it on here (sorry can't remember your name) but they said to weigh up what sort of lifestyle you want. If you are happy to always be doing just family things, or majority of the time, and having less time for yourself then 2 is fine and manageable. But if you have certain interests you want to pursue etc. then it's easier with 1. That's not to say at all btw that you can't have a life with 2 but I can imagine that side of it is a bit tougher. My age probably talking a bit here, I'm aware I'm only 25 and have a lot of life to live still.

Didn't think I'd ever be toying with this so much, I thought I always wanted 2!

Gosh you have years ahead of you!

Wait until the eldest is old enough to help you with the little one and then have one! At the very least wait until your in your 30s before you have more!

I decided I was definitely having 2 when I observed the mums in the playground. My DD needed me to run around and up and down with her, entertain her. The kids with siblings were running round playing with one another and the mums were resting on a bench! You're not at the "'play with me, play with me" stage yet, but once you are you might realise the benefits of having a live in play mate!

I have a 4.5 year age gap and for me it is nowhere near double the work. DC1 is at school during the day and DC2 is a much easier child, sleeps better, less intense etc. Plus the entertaining each other aspect, which is evident already but hopefully will increase as toddler grows.

The thing is OP your kid is still only little at 15 months, as they get older they need less constant supervision, which in some ways makes handling 2 easier than you might think.

Howevr the first 6 months-a year was hard, but if you have partner and family support that can be a big cushion.

One of the unexpected joys of having 2 was seeing the relationship blossom between the siblings, and watching them play and have fun together gives me great happiness and gratitude.

This is kind of similar to when it hit me about wanting a second child.

Me and my husband had always decided we’d only have one and we wrote happy with that plan.

Then one day I was at my park with my son when he was about 2 years and I remember so clearly how he stood at the top of the slide and just stared at another group of children who were there (who were siblings) that were chasing each other round, laughing, having fun together, and they looked so happy.

Whereas my son was just standing at the top of the slide, watching them and seeming so alone.

It made me feel so sad and that’s when I made the decision to have a second child.

I know women shouldn’t have another child to give their current child a sibling, and I know that all siblings don’t get on but it was a risk I was prepared to take.

We had two under two. As we wanted a close age thinking they would play together.
We were v v sleep deprived as our first didnt sleep through until way after the second born .
One did one dc in the night one the other. We had to have seperate rooms as we would be up woth both otherwise. It was like having two babies in a way. I had one in a buggy one in a sling. Often when out a forgot the baby I was wearing and so did my older one as the younger slept in the sling .
It worked well.
The same stages were dealt with alomost together but it was intense. They did not play with each other as different natures and it was like having two only children and so as theyfor older i ended up with 4 children in the house a lot as they oft had a playdate each .
I am glad we did it this way as now they get on very well and are so lovely to each other. We have a small family so i am glad that when we are not here they will have each other.
If we had a bigger family then this would have possibly been less important . Is this significant to you ?

Remember OP that the trend on MN skews slightly towards older mothers. You are so young. You will only be in your early forties when DC1 goes to university, when some women are having their first child or are right in the thick of the baby and toddler years.

I had what I consider to be the perfect age gap between my two. I had my second baby just as my eldest started full time school nursery at 3. This meant I had time just me and the baby. It was ideal.
The hardest part for me was the sleep situation, I had two bad sleepers. But apart from that it was absolutely lovely, they played with each other all the time and had a lovely relationship.
They are now nearly 7 and 10, and it is much, much harder for me, especially during covid with homeschooling.
They both need me for different things so I am always trying to split myself between the two. I'm always questioning myself am I giving each one or them equal attention and time. My eldest has a lot of needs compared to my youngest so he requires more time from us which makes me feel guilty.
The other issue is the fighting, and tormenting that seems to have started, particularly during the lockdowns. I am constantly having to separate them and act as a referee. I seem to have a constant headache at the moment

I have a 2m and 4f year old, almost exactly 2 years apart. It was tough at first because they were both so young and I had PND after birth of #2, but actually now having a 4 year old I think I'd struggle to go back to the baby stage.

Luckily they have a lovely little friendship, 2 yo in particular idolises 4 yo. They go to pre-school together which is nice because 4 does look out for 2.

Overall I'm really happy with a small gap. Just do whatever works for you though.

The choice of whether to try and have children, have more than one and with what age gap is such a personal one. There is no right answer and only you will be able to feel and think your way into a decision in time.

And you do have time! You’re only 25 for one thing and no pressure to decide now. You’re not sure so perhaps the best thing would be to sort out contraception and just put the whole thing on the back burner and revisit it in 6 months or when the time feels right.

FWIW I have 2, 2.5year age gap. For me, for a variety of reasons, I was determined to give my children a sibling if possible. That was very important to me but that does not invalidate anyone’s choice to have one child.
Time was not on my side for much bigger than a 3 year gap and I think their age gap works well. I had a break in between but they’re close enough in age to play together.

The age gap thing really is a horses for courses thing. Some people would rather get the baby stage out of the way as soon as possible whereas a bigger age gap works out better for some.

I’m sure you’ll work out what you want to do in time and make a choice that works for your family.

The only advice I would give is not to rush into anything when you’re not sure.

Good luck.

The work that isn't doubled (cooking, tidying, hanging out at parks, the amount of stuff you need) isn't the tricky part of having children.

It's the harder stuff that's doubled (or more).If your first is still waking in the night when you have your second, that workload is a pure increase. Here, that was 18m of both children waking up at night - a far higher burden than making an extra sandwich, lol.

Nursery fees are twice as much, and yes its nice that you can reuse a baby grow, but that's insignificant compared to the cost of childcare.

Emotional support and attention - perhaps not doubled, but still increased as each child needs this.

If one child is an early riser, you can compensate by going to bed earlier. Two children may have opposing bodyclocks, so the second is a night owl, so no compensation. Or one child might wake 5 X a night but not get up till 8, and your sleeping through child wakes at 5. Now you're getting up 5 X a night AND up for the day at 5.

When your children are at the same stage, there is duplication in things like nursery/school runs, but when you are doing both, it's more than double the work because it's logistically crazy as well as going to 2 places before work in the morning.

Drip off and pick up to hobbies etc also isn't duplicated unless they like the same things.

Essentially, in the things in life that aren't time confusing like getting out crafts or cooking dinner, it's very little extra work. But for the actually hard bits, it's just extra.

But most find it manageable, and I'm very glad I have two.

Totally harder and totally worth it IME.

I had two 14 months apart and it was TOUGH. So incredibly tough for the first year or two. Now they are 3 and 4 and it is bloody great mostly. After a couple of years of having one or both of them in my arms, constant crying, tantruming, fighting, generally living in torture and never getting a bloody minute to myself/a full night's sleep, the youngest turned three and a switch flipped.

Now they both sleep and they entertain each other and potter off to play while I sit drinking coffee and scrolling mumsnet. I can't quite believe it and thought it would never get this easy so soon. They still bicker but less and less the older they get. Listening to them play together and help each other, or even just watching them snuggle up on the couch side by side, is my absolute favourite part of parenting and makes my heart burst. They have a constant playmate (I get out of all the boring imaginative play) and hopefully a friend for life. My siblings are still my best friends and I hope my DDs have that kind of relationship in the future.